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AIBU?

To leave, step dad/DD

172 replies

pissedoff19 · 21/11/2019 10:19

Sorry this is a bit long! Name changed for this.


My DD 12 and my partner of 5 years don't get on, well they can be the best of friends then at each others throats 20minutes later, this has always been a bit of a issue but it's getting worse.


OH can be very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe, half the time I honestly don't think he realises. I must tell him on a daily basis to watch his shitty tone, not just to DD but to everyone. He can be very much on her back about little things, making a huge deal about things like, leaving a light on, been too loud etc, things that just happen when you have DC, where I am so much more laid back as a parent and feel these are non issues in the grand scheme of things, or if they need a reminder to do it gently rather than have a go. I want to get on with my children, not be that shitty parent constantly shouting at their kids.


DD can talk the same way back to him though, usually they are as bad as each other, but my argument is, she is the child, he is the adult/parent, and she's obviously learnt it from somewhere! She is also going through the thick of puberty so I expect some mood/lip from her and I can happily chalk it up to that, him on the other hand blows up about it.


Last night, it all blew up because she gave him some lip about going to bed (I was sorting out ill DS so don't know exactly what happened) usual argument from a kid in my eyes, well he kicked off big time, snatched a book she was reading out of her hands and told her to fuck off, DD is left in tears, shout him to come take over with DS and I can sort DD. He came in with a face of thunder telling me he's had enough and he's leaving us all, I flipped and kicked him out of the house. He's gone to his mum, within 30 mins I'm having messages saying he's sorry and I'm right.


I'm sick to fuck of all of this, when we all get on its great, I love him to bits and I know he loves us, but there's always this issue in the background, I always feel on edge when that the next argument it's going to start, it can be ok for months then blow up. I can only see it getting worse when DD is older and the inevitable teenage mood swings/problems start.
DS is still a toddler but I can see it been the same with him and all I can see is a life time of playing referee.

Is this just the way step parenting is? I never got on with my step dad, and friends I've spoken to have said the same. But this isn't sitting right with me and I feel like I am damaging my children letting this go on.

OP posts:
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WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/11/2019 16:46

Monkey see, monkey do. He talks to her like shit, she talks to him like shit. My exh is like this and my dds come back to me after a weekend talking to people like shit. Takes a good few days to get them to stop it.

Tbh anyone who told my dd to fuck iff would have a hard time convincing me to try again

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/11/2019 16:48

@Hatherden123 it is not acceptable to tell a 12 year old child to fuck off in a nasty way. Would you say that to your DC? If so I would most certainly judge you. If you can't discipline your children without being nasty then you're not a good parent.

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Hithere2 · 21/11/2019 16:51

Just for his general shitty atittude and gou having to tell him daily to behave - he would have been gone a long time ago

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messolini9 · 21/11/2019 16:52

you've not said what your daughter said to him to wind him up
Irrelevant. DD is 12, & has been living with his emotional incontinence for 5 years. OP has said the "fuck off" was with real intent & venom. That is so out of order I cannot conceive of why you are defending it.

dispite all the posters showing utter horror that an adult says fuck off to a 12 year old sometimes its' exactly what they need to hear
No, it isn't. Ever.

possibly your daughter was a total PITA and needs pulling down a peg or two
Definitely the DP is a moody sod who talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe & needs pulling up about his time & attitude on a daily basis FFS, but your first deduction is it must be the child's fault?

and your close relationship is blinding you to what a little cow she really is.
Read the OP's posts again.
She is well aware that DD acts as an adolescent, can be cheeky, & is aware of the dynamics of being backed by mum when stepdad is an arse. OP seems anything but blind to me - aware, concerned, & parenting carefully as far as I can fathom.

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messolini9 · 21/11/2019 16:53

TONE & attitude - not 'time & attitude'

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BigFatLiar · 21/11/2019 16:55

If you've been together 5yrs and DS is a toddler I take it DS is his son. So he won't be disappearing totally.

If you split then you need to try and ensure he doesn't swear around DS when its his custody. If you don't split then again no swearing and he just leaves your daughter to do her own thing and you parent her as she plays up with him, he needs to keep out of her way until things settle.

Tough call. If you split then in future I'd go for the FWB scenario rather than try and introduce a new permanent male presence.

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lookatthebabypenguin · 21/11/2019 17:00

Kicking him out was you getting things right, not fucking them up.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme and then decide if you think he's genuine about trying to change. You can do the course online if you want.

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Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 17:06

@haterden123

I've already said, she was refusing to go to bed, she was sat on the edge of her bed and he was asking her to get into bed and go to sleep, she was saying she wanted to wait for me to finishing settling DS. It escalated from there. He said she was giving him attitude, she said it was all him. I didn't hear it all so I can't say who started it for sure, but it's likely it was a combo of both. He was in there for a 1-2 minutes before it kicked off, honestly no more than two minutes tops. For me, snapping to that extent would probably be after a day of kid been a shit, not two minutes. If you can't cope with two minutes then I don't think your cut out to be a parent.


I've posted several times that I aren't blind to her behaviour, she is usually well behaved but she can have a stinking attitude from time to time, I aren't blind to that and I do pull her up on it. But she definitely isn't a 'little cow' she's a child, going through puberty, a huge change hormonally and physically. I'm a adult in my 30s and still struggle with my hormones sometimes so I don't think I can expect a 12 year old who is new to the whole thing to be on top form all the time.

That doesn't mean i let her get away with it, it means I'd rather talk to her about how to deal with things, and how to react to feeling upset or stressed, rather than shouting at her and thinking of her as a little cow.

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Alicenwonderland · 21/11/2019 17:07

My ex was like this with my eldest two, his step kids. It was exactly as you describe, he would 'try' all the time, it was the boys fault, they were hard work ect ect He would make excuses and was like two different people. It got worse the older my boys got and became increasingly violent. By this point the control he had over us was tighter but I eventually kicked him out. I wish I'd not made excuses and done it sooner. Now we're apart his true colours are really reviewed. He's just about to drag me back to court for the second time in a year over custody of our children together. It's all mind games, manipulation. He just doesn't bother to cover it up anymore. Thank goodness you've realised now before too much damage is done! Big, big hugs and stay strong 💐💐

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Alicenwonderland · 21/11/2019 17:08

*revealed, not reviewed!

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BigFatLiar · 21/11/2019 17:09

Definitely sounds like you're better off without his presence.

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carolinelucaseshandbag · 21/11/2019 17:10

@Hatherden123 are you serious?! If you read the OP this man has a history of shitty behaviour, not just to his DSD. A child would have to have displayed unbelievably shitty behaviour and a parent completely at the end of their tether to even begin to justify telling a child to fuck off. It's not the same as muttering fucking hell under your breath.
Well at least the abusive shit has got one person on their side Hmm

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SunshineCake · 21/11/2019 17:10

How horrible that you feel your dd is as bad as this abusive twat.

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Lunde · 21/11/2019 17:16

I've already said, she was refusing to go to bed, she was sat on the edge of her bed and he was asking her to get into bed and go to sleep, she was saying she wanted to wait for me to finishing settling DS. It escalated from there.

So she is in her bedroom reading and he is in there trying to force her to get into bed and sleep? Who on earth does this with a 12 year old? She is 12 not 4!

Surely at 12 they just go to their room. His behaviour is bizaare!

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LimeRedBanana · 21/11/2019 17:21

she was sat on the edge of her bed and he was asking her to get into bed and go to sleep, she was saying she wanted to wait for me to finishing settling DS. It escalated from there.

What the actual?!

She was in her room, on her bed, and she was waiting for you.

And he kicked off to the extent of snatching a book of her? And telling her to fuck off??

For that ^^ ?? Confused

What the hell is wrong with him?

I have never told anyone to fuck off in my life. Certainly no-one I love, and absolutely never a child.

I've never been told to fuck off, either. I can't even imagine a parent saying that to me.

Not for sitting on a bed, waiting for my Mum.

This is not OK. You are staring down the barrel of unhappiness and mental health issues, if you force her to carry on putting up with this.

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bluebella4 · 21/11/2019 17:42

Can you go to therapy?

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Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 17:53

@bluebella


We could do therapy, I do think he would agree to it. But I'm not sure, I don't see it working, I think he's just got a short fuse and I don't think therapy will change that.

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billy1966 · 21/11/2019 17:56

Yea, there is no way you are telling a 12 year old to get into bed and screaming in 1-2 minutes.

I would deduct from that he went in looking for trouble.

I wouldn't accept a stinking attitude either from a 12 year old.

I've don't believe that is acceptable.

They can be a little tetchy when tired but I wouldn't be putting up with a stinking attitude for sure.

It sounds like a very stressful environment waiting for him to kick off and additionally his speaking to people badly.

He doesn't sound like any prize.

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bluebella4 · 21/11/2019 18:03

It seems he has alot of issues of his and projecting into the family. The more he avoids the worse it will get.

Would he agree for himself or just to get the family back? Does he see what he is doing?

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IdiotInDisguise · 21/11/2019 18:05

Blimey, I have left a long term relationship with someone for far far less than that. But I admit I have never allowed my child to be “lippy” to any adult.

You say they are as bad as each other, how true is this? He shouldn’t be loosing his temper but, is she constantly disrespecting him. If so, I would think about family therapy/counselling before splitting the family.

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cookiemon666 · 21/11/2019 18:07

My ex was the same with my oldest daughter. It took until he was 15 for me to kick him up. It massively effected my oldest daughter and I wish I hadnt waited so long

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TooManyGlasses · 21/11/2019 18:16

My DH can be like this with the kids when he’s stressed or tired,but not with anyone else! There are no excuses really, as he’s the adult. But I don’t intend to leave as he really has been trying lately.

Therapy?

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bluebella4 · 21/11/2019 18:18

@TooManyGlasses Therapy?
Yes Therapy... It can work wonders if you are willing to put the work in 😊

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MeridianB · 21/11/2019 18:22

Wow @ those asking what a 12-year-old said to warrant being told to ‘fuck off’.

Nothing, is the answer.

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Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 18:22

He does see the issue, or so he says, when we have talked about it previously he says he can see the problem and has said he will fix it/try harder but they still clash time and time again.


Nothing ever changes, he says what I want to hear but we just go round and round in circles.

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