My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To leave, step dad/DD

172 replies

pissedoff19 · 21/11/2019 10:19

Sorry this is a bit long! Name changed for this.


My DD 12 and my partner of 5 years don't get on, well they can be the best of friends then at each others throats 20minutes later, this has always been a bit of a issue but it's getting worse.


OH can be very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe, half the time I honestly don't think he realises. I must tell him on a daily basis to watch his shitty tone, not just to DD but to everyone. He can be very much on her back about little things, making a huge deal about things like, leaving a light on, been too loud etc, things that just happen when you have DC, where I am so much more laid back as a parent and feel these are non issues in the grand scheme of things, or if they need a reminder to do it gently rather than have a go. I want to get on with my children, not be that shitty parent constantly shouting at their kids.


DD can talk the same way back to him though, usually they are as bad as each other, but my argument is, she is the child, he is the adult/parent, and she's obviously learnt it from somewhere! She is also going through the thick of puberty so I expect some mood/lip from her and I can happily chalk it up to that, him on the other hand blows up about it.


Last night, it all blew up because she gave him some lip about going to bed (I was sorting out ill DS so don't know exactly what happened) usual argument from a kid in my eyes, well he kicked off big time, snatched a book she was reading out of her hands and told her to fuck off, DD is left in tears, shout him to come take over with DS and I can sort DD. He came in with a face of thunder telling me he's had enough and he's leaving us all, I flipped and kicked him out of the house. He's gone to his mum, within 30 mins I'm having messages saying he's sorry and I'm right.


I'm sick to fuck of all of this, when we all get on its great, I love him to bits and I know he loves us, but there's always this issue in the background, I always feel on edge when that the next argument it's going to start, it can be ok for months then blow up. I can only see it getting worse when DD is older and the inevitable teenage mood swings/problems start.
DS is still a toddler but I can see it been the same with him and all I can see is a life time of playing referee.

Is this just the way step parenting is? I never got on with my step dad, and friends I've spoken to have said the same. But this isn't sitting right with me and I feel like I am damaging my children letting this go on.

OP posts:
Report
SirVixofVixHall · 21/11/2019 13:17

I agree with the pp who said adults get it wrong sometimes. I have shouted and overreacted to something small when sleep deprived, or very stressed. I remember these incidents feel terrible, and apologised at the time, explaining why I was in the wrong and how I wish I had dealt with the situation.
This is normal, we are all human, but not a regular occurrence. Living with someone very “moody” means walking on eggshells all the time , do you want this for yourself or your children ? Storming out to his Mum’s is not terribly adult either !

Report
Span1elsRock · 21/11/2019 13:18

What a horrid horrid situation for you to be in, OP.

My only two penneth to add is that he's made this situation by behaving in such a nasty way. And he'll try everything to talk you into letting him come home....... then the nastiness when he realises he isn't will really kick in.

I don't envy you........... but stay strong for your DD. She deserves her home to be her safe space, as do you all Flowers

Report
Vulpine · 21/11/2019 13:20

I would never allow anyone to speak to my kids like that. They'd be out the door

Report
messolini9 · 21/11/2019 13:22

Is this just the way step parenting is?

No. My (step)dad was the best thing that ever happened to my entire childhood.

I always feel on edge when that the next argument it's going to start, it can be ok for months then blow up

& how is him being 'sorry & realising you are right' going to change that in future?
Is he sorry enough to realise that he talks to people generally like they are shit on his shoe?
Sorry enough to realise that it's time to tae the lead from you in terms of parenting style?
Able to adapt himself & control his own temper when dealing with a child soon to become a teenager?

How is he going to set things right with DD after telling her to fuck off?
How is he going to make her feel comfortable & confident that he is going to stop being so heavy-handed?
What will he say when you tell him that it's not good enough that it takes I flipped and kicked him out of the house before he can see how wrongly he has been behaving, & for so long?

Report
pallisers · 21/11/2019 13:25

DD can talk the same way back to him though, usually they are as bad as each other

Your dd is talking like this because she has learned it from her stepdad. Don't let him back.

Report
mclover · 21/11/2019 13:29

My cousin grew up with a step dad like this - constantly monitoring her at home, giving her grief over lights left on, ignoring her, telling her to fuck off, had a different cupboard of snack food the step children weren't allowed etc. As an adult she's always choosing really shit men even though she's amazing and I'm sure it's because that's what she thinks that's what all men are like and that's the way men treat women. So sad!

Report
messolini9 · 21/11/2019 13:29

I just feel like I'm failing as a mum, especially to my DD.
No you're not. You sound accommodating & realistic about kids being kids - & you've just kicked dP out for swearing at DD. You're doing FINE as a mum.

I left her dad, now I'm leaving her step-dad, I feel like I'm just one big fuck up that can't get anything right.
Stop with this self-defeating nonsense.
You left her dad for a reason. You are/may be leaving her step-dad for a reason.
Those reasons are because those dads were the ones not getting things right. NOT YOU. You are nor responsible for their behaviour. Did YOU lose your rag & tell DD to fuck off?
Nope.
It's not you. Your instincts are sound, & you are putting DD first right now.

Report
Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 13:32

You are all so right, and all of your points about pushing her away and showing her that you put up and shut up when a man treats you like shit are all the things I'm sacred of, that's is definitely definitely what I don't want. I didn't have the best of childhoods, and I've always vowed to give my children better, this situation isn't that. I'm not perfect myself and I'm not saying I've never snapped but it's a rare occurrence and I've never told her to fuck off.


I know she needs to be pulled up on her attitude, I'm making it sound like she can get away with it, which isn't the case. I always tell her, explain why it isn't right etc. Explain how next time she could react. Which I believe is the right way to go about it.


As for him parenting her, I've told him many many time to leave her to me, to keep out of it but he keeps trying, I understand he wants to be able to do things like tell her to go to bed/tidy her room/pick her clothes up etc. But if all it's doing is causing a shit storm it's not really worth it.


It's exhausting, I actually feel relieved today. My head feels up my arse but I feel relieved.

Report
Thinkingabout1t · 21/11/2019 13:38

OP, why are you even considering staying with this aggressive lout? He's bad for you and even worse for your children. Sounds as if his rudeness and arrogance have worn down your natural instincts (to avoid men like this) so that you accept anything less than outright violence.

Your comments "I know he loves me" and "within 30 mins I'm having messages saying he's sorry" rang very loud warning bells with me!

I had a boyfriend like that in the past, who was aggressive but deeply needy. I would put up with his obnoxious behavour again and again until I finally exploded. He would then grovel apologies. I felt sorry for him, so I let him come back, against my better judgement. This happened over and again till I was exhausted, depressed and stressed out of my mind. When i finally broke free, I felt as if I'd been let out of a cage.

OP, please escape for your children's sake as well as your own.

Report
Considermesometimes · 21/11/2019 13:42

When your dd is lying in your arms after being beaten black and blue by her first boyfriend because she thinks abuse is normal, it may be just too late to change her life chances by then....

I am deadly serious, she is learning what is right and wrong in life, and everything about your deadbeat dp is damaging. He brings nothing but pain and sadness. Big girl pants now for your dd's sake, and then you tell her no one speaks to her like that ever, no one in the world is ever allowed to hurt her. Draw up the boundaries and tell her that the love does not look like this.

You will feel more relief when you realise that you are actually happier, lighter and without him. He is dragging you all down, and hurting your dd in the process. Don't look back.

Report
billy1966 · 21/11/2019 13:46

OP, you sound like a Mum who is trying to do your best.

Re-read the posts from poster's who were step children.

No man is worth emotionally damaging your child for.

In a healthy situation a step parent should be able to give instructions to a child when they share a house.

However, it sounds as if he has progressively been getting more abusive.

He needs to stay out of the house.

Wishing you strength 💐

Report
Considermesometimes · 21/11/2019 13:47

Sorry for typos!

Report
chocorabbit · 21/11/2019 13:58

Whatever the excuse you are bringing OP regdaring him or your DD the fact is that he does not respect her and their relationship is toxic. She is a teenager and she won't end well. You hear about so many damaged people because their parents prioritised their DPs over them. Don't do the same.

Report
ChristmasAngst · 21/11/2019 14:05

That's a tough one. My widowed Dad hooked up with his GF when I was 17 and by 18 I moved out of our house because I just couldn't get along with her. She just made me miserable with her negative comments towards me and when I was in my 20's I actually moved abroad for a long time and one of the reasons I went was to escape this toxic situation.

I get loads of comments about buggering off and not being a good daughter from lots of people. They don't know how many nights I cried myself to sleep over the nasty things she said about my looks, my clothes and how my dad favoured her DC. At one point I thought I would end up on the street, homeless, because I thought she would kick me out if I stood up for myself. It was awful.

Report
floodypuddle · 21/11/2019 14:05

Only you and your daughter know how bad it really is. My step dad didn't cope well with me as a teen, I was the first teen in the house as my half siblings were all younger and there were a few times that he snapped like this with me.

Generally though we did (and still do) get on well though. I'm a step parent now too and I find it really stressful, my dp will often get at me if I get even mildly irritated when has far far less control of his temper and is sometimes actually quite rude to them! I appreciate he's trying his best but I don't get the same leeway.

Is your daughter generally happy or miserable with him? Does he actually understand why he was wrong etc? Is he likely to apologise to her?

Report
LillyBugg · 21/11/2019 14:15

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.

I grew up in a house like this. I have awful memories from my teen years. And ultimately my mum chose her husband over me. We are now no contact and absolutely nothing will make me look back. I will never forgive her for choosing him. Please don't make the same mistakes, you'll lose your DD over this eventually.

Report
Cocobean30 · 21/11/2019 14:52

“ Considermesometimes

When your dd is lying in your arms after being beaten black and blue by her first boyfriend because she thinks abuse is normal, it may be just too late to change her life chances by then....

I am deadly serious, she is learning what is right and wrong in life, and everything about your deadbeat dp is damaging. He brings nothing but pain and sadness. Big girl pants now for your dd's sake, and then you tell her no one speaks to her like that ever, no one in the world is ever allowed to hurt her. Draw up the boundaries and tell her that the love does not look like this.

You will feel more relief when you realise that you are actually happier, lighter and without him. He is dragging you all down, and hurting your dd in the process. Don't look back.”

OP this is so spot on! And exactly what happened to me and my sister, though to a lesser extend in regards to physical violence. We both have self esteem and anxiety issues from constantly being belittles and undermined, and having our mum not see it or believe it for so long. You need to put your daughter first!!

Report
BigFatLiar · 21/11/2019 15:25

If you don't want him around then you don't need an excuse, ditch him. Telling your daughter to fuck off is a bit much, I take it neither of you normally swear. For some people this would be normal language (just have to read a lot of the MN posts) but you need to be clear - no swearing.

Being a stepfather (or stepmum) can be tough as you're not the real parent. Not a step parent myself but my brother almost was. He is in a relationship with a woman with two children, has been for years. She's lovely and I can see why he dotes on her but early in their relationship he realised where he stood in the pack - at the bottom. Her children realised that their mum would back them up against him so he couldn't take any action against them. He got it in the neck from her when he sat for her and they wouldn't go to bed at the proscribed time. They basically realised they could get away with anything if she wasn't around. He refused to babysit for her and stayed in his own house, she stayed in hers with her kids. They basically became long term FWB. He says they had great times as a family while they were all together but he removed himself from them when she wasn't around. Even now the kids have left home they still have two homes as he has nothing to do with her children. They spend most of their time together now with her only going to her own place to host her children when they come back to visit.

Report
YouBelongHere · 21/11/2019 15:35

As someone who has despised their step-dad for years I'd ask you to choose your daughter. My mother is still with him and although I love her it does affect our relationship and my general self-esteem.

Report
Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 15:57

No, we dont swear at the children. It's not necessarily the term fuck off either, it's the way it was shouted, the nastiness behind it, if you know what I mean.


And I'm not blind to the fact that DD can play on the fact that she knows I will back her up, or plays on the fact that he isn't her dad, I'm not blind to her part in it whatsoever, she can be bloody awful at times, but she is the child, and a child going through puberty at that. It's his job to try to calm the situation, not make it 10 times worse, by either not trying to deal with her in the first place, or leaving the room if he is finding it hard.

Report
BigFatLiar · 21/11/2019 16:13

@Slappadabass

Name change!

Report
Namechange8471 · 21/11/2019 16:24

You sound like a great mum, your acknowledging that there is something wrong, and you’re right.

My dd is almost 11, she also has autism. I have been with my partner roughly the same amount of time as you.

She can be VERY challenging sometimes, but dp is fantastic. He has never swore in her face, that would be a compete deal breaker.
He does whinge sometimes about lights being left on when not in the rooms, but is not a miserable bastard to live with.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/11/2019 16:29

This was me and my stepdad. I left home at 17 and although I love my mum I still have feelings of resentment against her for allowing it to happen, especially as I am a single mum now myself and know I would never put DS through that.

Report
User3421090989098 · 21/11/2019 16:40

He told your daughter to fuck off? Not ok. Not ok at all. Unless he’s willing to go to anger management he needs to leave

Report
Hatherden123 · 21/11/2019 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.