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To leave, step dad/DD

172 replies

pissedoff19 · 21/11/2019 10:19

Sorry this is a bit long! Name changed for this.

My DD 12 and my partner of 5 years don't get on, well they can be the best of friends then at each others throats 20minutes later, this has always been a bit of a issue but it's getting worse.

OH can be very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe, half the time I honestly don't think he realises. I must tell him on a daily basis to watch his shitty tone, not just to DD but to everyone. He can be very much on her back about little things, making a huge deal about things like, leaving a light on, been too loud etc, things that just happen when you have DC, where I am so much more laid back as a parent and feel these are non issues in the grand scheme of things, or if they need a reminder to do it gently rather than have a go. I want to get on with my children, not be that shitty parent constantly shouting at their kids.

DD can talk the same way back to him though, usually they are as bad as each other, but my argument is, she is the child, he is the adult/parent, and she's obviously learnt it from somewhere! She is also going through the thick of puberty so I expect some mood/lip from her and I can happily chalk it up to that, him on the other hand blows up about it.

Last night, it all blew up because she gave him some lip about going to bed (I was sorting out ill DS so don't know exactly what happened) usual argument from a kid in my eyes, well he kicked off big time, snatched a book she was reading out of her hands and told her to fuck off, DD is left in tears, shout him to come take over with DS and I can sort DD. He came in with a face of thunder telling me he's had enough and he's leaving us all, I flipped and kicked him out of the house. He's gone to his mum, within 30 mins I'm having messages saying he's sorry and I'm right.

I'm sick to fuck of all of this, when we all get on its great, I love him to bits and I know he loves us, but there's always this issue in the background, I always feel on edge when that the next argument it's going to start, it can be ok for months then blow up. I can only see it getting worse when DD is older and the inevitable teenage mood swings/problems start.
DS is still a toddler but I can see it been the same with him and all I can see is a life time of playing referee.

Is this just the way step parenting is? I never got on with my step dad, and friends I've spoken to have said the same. But this isn't sitting right with me and I feel like I am damaging my children letting this go on.

OP posts:
Notodontidae · 21/11/2019 12:03

@lovelycuppateas, in contrast to general posts, you have raised some good points. In 5 years a word about bed from OH, should only have met with mild protestations, not lip. I wonder if you are backing each other up with house rules. Obviously his behaviour was not acceptable, and you did the right thing by kicking him out, however if DD does not comply with house rules about bedtime, and is disrespecting OH authority, then either you end it, or get DD to comply. Usually you get pilloried on here if you disagree with the general response. OH should never resort to swearing at DD, and if he does return, he should apologize to DD. You should ask DD if he should return, and discuss with OH reasons behind his attitude.

Icanflyhigh · 21/11/2019 12:03

Please put your daughter first over this - it should not be this way.
I have 3 dc, their father (we're divorced) is a first class fuckwit when it comes to putting them first and he cannot prioritise them when he has a woman on the scene.

My DP (we get married next year) is brilliant with all 3 dc including teenage DD who is 15 and full of angst, DD age 10 just approaching puberty and DS age 7 who is awesome if a bit OTT and loud at times.

From day 1, DP has made the effort to spend time with them, individually and all together as a family unit - which is what we are.
He's a brilliant peacemaker between me and DD1 when needed and he's always put them first.

He never undermines me with them and he's fair, and in return they respect him and love him for it x

SollaSollew · 21/11/2019 12:04

Hi OP,

I had a step dad like this too, it only got worse as my teenage years progressed. I was utterly miserable and my reaction (maybe this is the similar to your daughter) was a lot of answering back and staying out to stay away. I was always on egg shells at home not knowing how to make him happy or not shout at me. Eventually I begged my mum to leave him and she said I was nearly 16 and what would she do when I'd left home! He was the same with my sister but not with his own son who also lived full time with us.

I left home as soon as I possibly could and never went back. I'm NC with him now but it's also had a massive effect on my relationship with my mum. Not just on a practical side as I can't visit her house and she always has to come to me but more importantly on the emotional side as I still find it difficult to reconcile the fact that she put herself and her retirement plans ahead of her daughters' mental and physical well being.

Flowers for you, you're not failing, you're being a great mum protecting your children.

AJPTaylor · 21/11/2019 12:05

I only read to half way through para 2.
Ltb why would you stay?

Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 12:10

Yes, he wants to change and genuinely has tried to be more gentle with her.It works for a while but it soon reverts back.

I do think we also have different parenting styles in general, I'm very much into gentle parenting, I've never been strict or felt the need to be. My DD is well behaved, many people have pointed that out over the years. The only problem can be her mood and chat back, but she's a 12yr old child going through puberty, recently had a small period and is growing breasts at such a fast rate im constantly buying her new bras, it's like puberty has hit her like a train and she is definitely suffering with the hormonal affects, which I understand and give her leeway for. He doesn't seem to have the same understanding.

But regardless of the hormones he should be able to deal with it, he's the adult, that's his job.

Interestedwoman · 21/11/2019 12:23

Just saw your post about being a failure/fuck up as a mum. No, you're definitely not a fuck up at the moment, but if you let him back you will be being a fuck up IMO.

'I do think we also have different parenting styles in general,'

You know telling a child to fuck off isn't a parenting style, though.

Notodontidae · 21/11/2019 12:28

I am a laid-back parent, and try to achieve autonomy with as many children's tasks as possible. That usually makes it easier to put your foot down when it is really called for. You seem like a lovely mum, who hasn't found the right partner. If you are not compatable with parenting, and OH, does not change after your intervention, its not going to work long-term.

DangerClose · 21/11/2019 12:28

He's an adult. She's a child.

Not only that, but a child who for the last 5 years has been raised by a man who "can be very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe" and makes a huge deal out of tiny things.

He sounds horrible. Poor kid.

DangerClose · 21/11/2019 12:31

In contrast to general posts, you have raised some good points. In 5 years a word about bed from OH, should only have met with mild protestations, not lip

You mean in 5 years living with a man who is "very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe"? Who has to be told on a "daily basis to watch his shitty tone" with this 7-12 year old child?

Yeah, what a mystery it is why she doesn't behave perfectly all the time and responds to this guy petulantly!

HuggedTrees · 21/11/2019 12:32

Talking to people daily in a shitty tone and having to tell him to stop? That’s not normal or worth any amount of nice behaviour. Nice behaviour doesn’t counteract the crap, leave him for your daughter.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/11/2019 12:33

Yes, he wants to change and genuinely has tried to be more gentle with her.It works for a while but it soon reverts back

There is nothing genuine about this.

soon reverts back

That's because he thinks you've been successfully sucked back in again, so he returns to being who he really is.

This is the cycle of abuse!

Please do not fall for this again. He will lay it on with a trowel for the next few days.

Drabarni · 21/11/2019 12:42

He's not her parent and you shouldn't have allowed him to parent her.
Put your dd first and next time don't get involved with someone who speaks to people like they're shit Confused

Considermesometimes · 21/11/2019 12:42

snatched a book she was reading out of her hands and told her to fuck off

That would be the first and last time he would ever treat my 12 year daughter in such a way.

Without a doubt LTB

Your dd does not deserve to be abused and sworn at, he is a bully and if you think this is bad now, just wait until she is 14/15 and she is big enough to swear and fight back.

Please leave this man before he damages your daughter further.

Considermesometimes · 21/11/2019 12:45

It is bloody shocking that he could do this to your child, and still be living there. I am horrified, that poor little girl. What a truly awful situation for her. It is hard enough being a pre teen today, I can't imagine what it must be like for her living with a monster like him.

Get him out, for her sake.

Seaweed42 · 21/11/2019 12:45

A child finds it very hard to cope with is becoming the 'problem' in the family.
Your young daughter will be 1 million times better off with one loving parent who respects her, than she ever will by taking this abuse from him.
She now has to live with the idea in her head that her stepdad, that she loves, has no time for her, dismisses her, doesn't get her, doesn't understand her, verbally abuses her and calls her names.
She is doubly wounded - firstly by having this shit inflicted on herself from him. And secondly wounded by knowing you have to curb your own behaviour and plead and cajole with him on her behalf to stop him treating her like that.
I guarantee she'll never forget this night he told her to fuck off.
He needs to go to anger management classes or he's out.

Nancydrawn · 21/11/2019 12:45

Here's the thing: this is not a one-off snap. This is not out of character; this is not unexpected; this is not a massive mistake that shocked even him. We have all had moments when we snap (though usually we don't swear at children, at least not to their faces).

This is a harsh moment in a pattern of angry, sulky, emotionally manipulative behavior that is designed to get him what he wants and put everyone else on the back foot.

I'm actually far, far more worried about that everyday behavior than I am the snap. Because his everyday behavior is your DD's normal. You can't fuck with your kids' norms like that--it leads them to grow up with really skewed ideas about healthy relationships, about boundaries, and about self-worth.

An actually genuinely loving person who is supportive and patient but one night snaps after tons of backchat and immediately realizes that what he's done was wrong and talks about it maturely with your daughter? That won't mess her up. This will.

Don't let anyone fuck up your kids' understanding of normal. It's my number one piece of advice.

Cocobean30 · 21/11/2019 12:46

Sounds my abusive, control freak ex-step dad. Get rid. I’m baffled that you’re allowing him to treat your daughter like this. It will be damaging her self worth, whether she realises now or not.

Considermesometimes · 21/11/2019 12:49

No amount of anger management will be able to help when the shit really hits the fan once she is a teenager, and has put up with a few more years of this kind of abuse Sea

You stand a very good chance of losing her altogether, as she will grow up and hold you responsible for all of this one day. Get him out of your life, and then at least you can look in the eye at least. My mother stood by and allowed my father to behave in ways not dissimilar to your situation and I have never forgiven either of them.

You are complicit in her abuse if you do not get rid of him, she won't always be a child and could very well blame you for all of this (and not without good reason) because NO MAN is ever worth it. She is your baby girl and she is relying in you to protect her.

Lllot5 · 21/11/2019 12:53

Your dd sounds like a perfectly normal 12 year old. Bit lippy bit cheeky. It is up to the adults in her life not to rise to it.
Choose your daughter.
He has said he won’t do it again but does. Judge people by their actions not their words. Talk is cheap.

PeppyPiggy · 21/11/2019 13:00

OP, I'm sorry but your OH sounds awful. He will never change. He is a big child. Being a teenage girl is already an ordeal in itself, hormones in full swing! Gosh my teenage hormones made me feel suicidal enough without being told by a parental figure to fuck off.....

OMGshefoundmeout · 21/11/2019 13:03

You are right saying that if you have him back you are showing your daughter it’s not just ok for a man to verbally abuse his partner, but it’s ok for him to abuse children too.

You didn’t get on with your stepdad and you run the risk of repeating that situation with your DD . If you do she will probably go on to do the same. Break the cycle now. Tell your partner it’s off and mean it. Be happily single for now and have the advantage of being free to eventually find a partner who will act like a man not a petulant child.

PeppyPiggy · 21/11/2019 13:04

I agree with comments above, your DD will remember this as an adult and yes, you will be to blame. And yes, never EVER go by peoples words, always go by their actions. How long have you been with this guy? I hope your DD doesn't think that this kind of behaviour towards her is normal... If he has been in her life from her being a young age then most likely this will be normal to her and she won't have problem choosing partners who treat her like this because it will be familiar to her :/


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ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 21/11/2019 13:04

My ex was good with my kids (his step kids) when they were small. As they got older and developed a personality and a mind of their own that all changed. I stayed longer than I should, and it really hurt my relationship with my (now adult) dd. She even spent a chunk of her teens living with her grandparents. I wish I could go back and do things differently.. You have the chance to choose your dd and salvage your relationship with her.

klaudiarr · 21/11/2019 13:08

Don't beat yourself up about it. It's him that's the issue.

Choose your kid before your kid chooses a life without you both in it because of him. Kids come before significant others/boyfriends/husbands/whatever.

CaptainCabinets · 21/11/2019 13:15

This sounds identical to the relationship I had with my ex-stepdad. I wish my mum had asked him to leave long before she did.

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