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AIBU?

To leave, step dad/DD

172 replies

pissedoff19 · 21/11/2019 10:19

Sorry this is a bit long! Name changed for this.


My DD 12 and my partner of 5 years don't get on, well they can be the best of friends then at each others throats 20minutes later, this has always been a bit of a issue but it's getting worse.


OH can be very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe, half the time I honestly don't think he realises. I must tell him on a daily basis to watch his shitty tone, not just to DD but to everyone. He can be very much on her back about little things, making a huge deal about things like, leaving a light on, been too loud etc, things that just happen when you have DC, where I am so much more laid back as a parent and feel these are non issues in the grand scheme of things, or if they need a reminder to do it gently rather than have a go. I want to get on with my children, not be that shitty parent constantly shouting at their kids.


DD can talk the same way back to him though, usually they are as bad as each other, but my argument is, she is the child, he is the adult/parent, and she's obviously learnt it from somewhere! She is also going through the thick of puberty so I expect some mood/lip from her and I can happily chalk it up to that, him on the other hand blows up about it.


Last night, it all blew up because she gave him some lip about going to bed (I was sorting out ill DS so don't know exactly what happened) usual argument from a kid in my eyes, well he kicked off big time, snatched a book she was reading out of her hands and told her to fuck off, DD is left in tears, shout him to come take over with DS and I can sort DD. He came in with a face of thunder telling me he's had enough and he's leaving us all, I flipped and kicked him out of the house. He's gone to his mum, within 30 mins I'm having messages saying he's sorry and I'm right.


I'm sick to fuck of all of this, when we all get on its great, I love him to bits and I know he loves us, but there's always this issue in the background, I always feel on edge when that the next argument it's going to start, it can be ok for months then blow up. I can only see it getting worse when DD is older and the inevitable teenage mood swings/problems start.
DS is still a toddler but I can see it been the same with him and all I can see is a life time of playing referee.

Is this just the way step parenting is? I never got on with my step dad, and friends I've spoken to have said the same. But this isn't sitting right with me and I feel like I am damaging my children letting this go on.

OP posts:
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PlinkPlink · 21/11/2019 11:01

Telling a 12 year old child to fuck off is abusive.

I'm sorry but if you allow him to come back all you are doing is signalling to him that it's okay to do it again. All he has to do is leave you, beg for forgiveness and then you'll accept him back.

You'll also be signalling to your daughter that this acceptable treatment in a relationship.

I think sometimes people cross lines and there is no coming back from them. This is one of those instances.

Raising kids is hard. Raising teenagers is even harder. He clearly cannot cope with this concept.

On a personal note, my own father was abusive to my DSis when I was younger. He's just not someone who can cope with children and particularly the rebelliousness of teens. His behaviour has massively scarred myself and DSis. Don't allow this to happen to your daughter.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/11/2019 11:01

I feel like I'm just one big fuck up that can't get anything right

No you are not. You are getting this completely right!

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Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 11:03

I've just checked my bank and he's sent me money as he knows I'm a short and need to go out today. This is what I mean, he can be so lovely, I don't ever have to ask for a thing. He just provides. It's like he's two different people rolled into one.

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CrumblyMumbly · 21/11/2019 11:08

He may have sent you money to get back in your good books. There is more to life than money and you don't want to be forever on edge in case he gets that angry again - next time it could be a lot worse.

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BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 21/11/2019 11:09

Yeah, that's a manipulative bribe. Keep him out as him leaving is the best thing for you all. Your poor dd. My eldest is 12 and full of hormones and attitude. It's a tough age but he's an abusive bastard to both you and dd.
You will not be failing if you keep him gone. She needs you. Choose your dd.

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carolinelucaseshandbag · 21/11/2019 11:10

@Slappadabass but he's not lovely. Anyone can throw money a a situation if they have some spare.
The info you put in your OP about how he treats your daughter generally, and the final straw where is swore at her, demonstrate without doubt that he is going to have a negative offer on her childhood, her mental health, and on your mother daughter relationship. Focus on that, not that he's just transferred some cash. Of course he has, he's trying to get back into your good books!!!!

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Drum2018 · 21/11/2019 11:11

He's vile. Who owns the house? Hopefully it's yours so you can keep him out for good. Seek legal advice now and don't let him back to bully your dd.

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HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 21/11/2019 11:12

I’d not be letting him back. This isn’t going to get any better is it? He’s like this in general and not just with your daughter.

FWIW, I have a girl who’s basically the same age and she does exactly what your DD does. It’s annoying and at times, infuriating, but it’s pretty normal. If my partner (her stepdad) behaved the way your husband does I wouldn’t stay with him, I wouldn’t be able to even if I wanted to. My kids have to know I’m on their side.

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Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 11:12

He may have. But it's the type of thing he always does so not necessarily out of character. I was just using it as a example of how nice he can be compared to the arsehole side of him. Honestly I've never known anyone has two absolutely different sides to them.


He will not be coming back, I think about this a lot, and this has come to a head now. I can't keep doing this. This is such a vital part in my DDs life and I want to get it right, I don't want her to be messed up, I want her to make good decisions in life and not choose idiot men or be treated like shit. I can't keep showing her that he can be a dick, say sorry and worm his way back in. This is not what I want for her.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/11/2019 11:15

Good for you. Stay strong; he will have switched into the 'nice bloke' part of the cycle to lure you back. And it is a cycle, that's why it feels like he's two different people.

He is emotionally abusive and he knows exactly what he's doing.

Your DD needs you to stay strong and we can help if you feel like you're wobbling.

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Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 11:16

Its his house, it's rented. I do have family that would help me out with a bond etc. to move though so although it will be a pain in the arse it won't be a huge issue.


I will stay here until I'm sorted elsewhere, I've already told him that and he agreed.

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lovelycuppateas · 21/11/2019 11:17

Step parenting, especially of teenagers, can be really hard and it has its ups and downs. It's clearly wrong to swear at a child, and you are right that as the adult he shouldn't be the one getting cross, but I'd hesitate before ending the relationship completely, and just wait for everyone to settle down a bit.

Perhaps this is a chance for your partner to think about and amend his behaviour, and for you both to talk through agreed alternative strategies to deal with the kids. My (now) husband and I talked for hours and hours about how we should deal with difficulties with my kids, and what we generally did is leave all the disciplining to me. My partner doesn't really get angry anyhow, but would leave the room if he felt he was going to lose it with my (then really badly behaved) teenage son, but acted more a cheerleader for me, telling me I was doing great, right to come down quite hard with consequences etc - having someone just get my back but not giving out alternate punishments was really useful. I think that just the model of us talking things through, getting on and resolving difficulties through discussion rather than conflict was really useful in itself to be honest and we have a really peaceful household now (fingers crossed!).

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OhThatsASnazzyBouquet · 21/11/2019 11:17

LTB

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PooWillyBumBum · 21/11/2019 11:18

This is not normal. My DD is 11 and it'd break my heart if my husband spoke to her like that. If you let him back you'll jeopardise your long term relationship with your daughter.

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blackteasplease · 21/11/2019 11:20

The thing is they do always show you their nice side after their nasty side. It’s the cycle of abuse and I’m sure someone will be along with a link!

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SunniDay · 21/11/2019 11:23

Is there somewhere else your partner could stay for a bit while things cool down and so he knows this is serious.

Perhaps your partner could speak to his GP or a suitable charity for referral for anger management. If he committed to tackling his temper perhaps there could be a future for you?

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ScatteredMama82 · 21/11/2019 11:27

You say there has always been an issue, she's now 12, so he's been treating her this way since she was 7? No wonder she gives him lip. Your poor DD. Choose her in this, take her side. Anyone who told my child to F off would not be back in my home.

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SunshineCake · 21/11/2019 11:36

I am an adult who as a child was very much not chosen over my mothers boyfriend and money.

Please choose your child and keep him out. If you let him back you frankly don't deserve your child as you will cause her emotional damage you couldn't possibly understand.

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Evilspiritgin · 21/11/2019 11:37

If anyone had treated my child like that, he would’ve been gone years ago,

That’s 5 years she’s been treated like that in what should be her safe place

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Ellie56 · 21/11/2019 11:44

OH can be very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe, half the time I honestly don't think he realises. I must tell him on a daily basis to watch his shitty tone, not just to DD but to everyone.

He sounds vile OP. This kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable from either a natural parent or step parent and growing up in a toxic household like this is extremely damaging for children. Send him packing for your children's sake.

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TheOrigFV45 · 21/11/2019 11:55

Show your children that they are your priority.
Don't let this man back into your DD's life.

You shouldn't have to tell a grown man to watch his tone every single day.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 21/11/2019 11:56

"OH can be very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe, half the time I honestly don't think he realises. I must tell him on a daily basis to watch his shitty tone, not just to DD but to everyone."

That's as far as I got before I decided you need to protect your DD from him. Actually, you need to protect YOU from him too. It'll grind you down. Dealing with people like this is exhausting.

You've kicked him out. Good! Now you need to keep him out. Because you are right, letting this go on will damage your children Sad.

" I just feel like I'm failing as a mum, especially to my DD. I left her dad, now I'm leaving her step-dad, I feel like I'm just one big fuck up that can't get anything right."
The only way you could be failing is if you let him back. This would send the message that women just have to put up and shut up - how would that affect her in the future? Make her put up with someone being an arse to her? No, throwing him out is definitely not a fail, you have modelled really good behaviour to her. You have modelled that his behaviour does not have to be tolerated. This will stand her in good stead when she forms romantic relationships. You're throwing her stepdad out for good reasons. I feel sure you did the same with her dad. You are absolutely not a fuck-up! And I'd say you're getting things very right.((hug))

And as for him - he has to take responsibility for himself, he is absolutely NOT your responsibility. He is shitty towards everyone - his choice. He reacts badly to the slightest stress - his choice. He bullies children - his choice. And only he can change the choices he makes. You cannot change his choices. You do not have to accept his bad behaviour because sometimes his behaviour is good. If anything, that he can behave well sometimes just reinforces that his bad behaviour is a CHOICE. And a choice you don't have to put up with.

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Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 11:57

The issue has always been there but not half as bad as it is now, not by a long shot. There wasn't many reasons for him to be arsey with her, but as she's gotten older and hit puberty she's obviously gotten more argumentative and he can't deal with it.


In his defence, I can ask her to do something and 90% of the time she will do it no problem, if he asks her he will get cheek back off her, she's no angel BUT she's the child and it's his job to deal with the situation without making it worse or telling her to fuck off.


A little disagreement, or a little bit of chat back can easily turn into a argument, where as I try to deal with things in a way that will keep the peace.

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StoppinBy · 21/11/2019 11:57

Does he want to change? Is he happy the way he is and thinks that it is just your daughter who needs to change?

If he wants to change but doesn't know how, look up some parenting classes and get him there ASAP, if he doesn't then it's time for him to go.

It makes it more complicated that he is your son's Dad as no matter what he will be in your life but he can't be allowed to be in your daughter's life treating her like that.

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Interestedwoman · 21/11/2019 11:58

No, you don't tell your partner's child, or even your own child, or perhaps any child to fuck off! No way! And in her own home.

If you stay with him it won't end there, he will find other unacceptable abuse to hurl at your DD, and he'll eventually also start on your DS :(

My mum never stood up for me when my dad was being an arsehole towards me- or once it was one of her boyfriends. I remember what she didn't do, and that she acted like how they acted was ok. It's not too late at 12- you can show her that you're not going to let someone abuse her. Your future relationship will be vastly improved by it.

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