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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas dinner drama

268 replies

thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 19:36

My husband is cooking turkey Christmas dinner this year with all the trimmings. We have invited my parents and my mum said she would bring beef in gravy. I told my husband this and he was quite upset (he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him) I very gently suggested to my mum that she not bring anything and she was fine with this initially.

However, when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted and that if he was a vegetarian we would have to cater to him and this is no different. I am now stuck in the middle and don’t know who is being more unreasonable.

My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day but I don’t want to drag our DDs (6 and 2) away from their presents.

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this. This has probably coloured DHs reaction. They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

I can see where DH is coming from but I don’t put as much importance on Christmas dinner as he does.

Help! I don’t know what to do. Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out as he hasn’t had the lifetime’s experience of dealing with them like I have and will just tell it as it is and that would be taken out on me. Advice please!

OP posts:
FullSteamBehind · 19/11/2019 20:42

I'm with DH. It's rude to dictate the menu as a guest. Why can't he have beef in gravy on Boxing Day?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 19/11/2019 20:43

she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted - yep they are BU
My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks - yep - he is BU
I don’t want to drag our DDs (6 and 2) away from their presents. - you are also BU

Do you all want to celebrate christmas together or not? Perhaps its actually not.

Loopytiles · 19/11/2019 20:43

Are these McD’s lattes good then?

june2007 · 19/11/2019 20:44

There is a difference between saying, do you mind if we bring some beef as a second choice ? And saying Were bringing the beef for us. The way it reeds it,s very much the latter. Ofcourse DH is offended but it shouldn,t be a deal bresker, you have a month to sort it.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 20:44

I originally put it to him as mum ‘helping out’ and was actually surprised about his reaction. It IS about more than turkey, I know. My brother is very low contact with my mum because of her behaviour.

I love my mum. I recognise that she isn’t perfect and has done some quite hurtful and bonkers things but when she is nice, she really is lovely. It’s open for debate whether one makes up for the other but for me it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s not all my husband has ever know and he actually went non contact with his mum for many years. They are back in contact now but I think he sees me as weak.

Having written all that I just want to bloody emigrate! It’s why I hate Christmas, and bloody Christmas dinner. Too much pressure and expectation (totally suffer with FOG). Give me Halloween any day! No one has EVER had this much trouble over a Halloween party!

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 19/11/2019 20:45

Those who expect there to be a choice of meet are disregarding the will power/skill of the cook. My family don't have a choice of meat (everyone finds the turkey roast hard enough work in itself) and I don't think that's abnormal. Turkey is what is traditional for an xmas meal (even though it's not something most people would choose, at least for a roast, the rest of the year.) We do have a choice of (mostly ready made) puddings.

@thegreenlight Excuse me for being thick. Is your mum proposing bringing the meat raw and getting your DH to cook it? If so, that's not reasonable for her to ask of some cooks (perhaps including him.) Xmas has all the trimmings to time and juggle, and that's hard enough for a lot of people without adding something else. If she's bringing it pre-cooked then your DH is being stubborn for the sake of it. But definitely if they're expecting him to add extra to the cooking palaver of xmas day when he doesn't usually cook, that's very unreasonable. Perhaps most people in this thread are, whether they know it or not, a better cook than the average person (and definitely than the average usual non-cooker like your DH.) Imagine how hard you all/most probably found doing a Sunday roast or Xmas dinner the first time you did it- trying not to overcook the veg etc.

babydog · 19/11/2019 20:45

not hugely @loopytiles. but preferable to enduring the man babies fighting about meat

I mean, I find MD coffee pretty decent in any form, considering its MD (and I find the rest of the menu inedible)

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 20:46

So you have been conditioned by your parents to give in to their want "to keep the peace" even if it upsets your DH. You have got your way on the childcare issue, now Christmas dinner and probably other things as well.

Yep. This isn’t about turkey. It’s DH standing up to OP’s parents in the way she should but fails to. He’s obviously pissed off the way they have treated OP previously.

If my dad announced he would only come to my house on the condition he could bring his own beef I would just laugh.

People can only control you if you let them. If they know they can’t, they don’t bother trying. The more you placate and people-please controllers the worse it gets.

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2019 20:46

This sounds like it’s all the back story coming back with a vengeance. It’s really petty to say no to someone bringing beef.

iklboo · 19/11/2019 20:46

This is why we never host Christmas (or go to anyone else).

Interestedwoman · 19/11/2019 20:46

*meat :)

WelcomeToShootingStars · 19/11/2019 20:48

I think your DH is being a bit of a dick. As a host, why wouldn't you want your guests to have an enjoyable experience? Some people just don't like turkey.

Seems utterly bizarre to make such a fuss over someone bringing a bit of meat with them.

GoodGriefSunshine · 19/11/2019 20:49

So many people saying the parents should be allowed to bring beef and that the DH is in the wrong. Since when has it become normal and acceptable to be invited to a meal and then to refuse the food on offer and bring your own food? This is not normal. Who does this?

Sidge · 19/11/2019 20:49

This goes way beyond what meat is served for Christmas dinner. This is willy waving to a high degree.

I find it incredibly rude to announce that you don’t like what’s on offer so will bring your own main course. It’s not comparable to vegetarianism, or allergies, it’s purely about asserting dominance.

Having a negotiation about organising a big meal is fine - “right so you bring the pudding, I’ll do the main, can sister bring the starters” etc is one thing but to be told “I don’t like what you’re cooking so I’ll bring my own” is just rude.

I don’t blame your DH to be honest.

INeedNewShoes · 19/11/2019 20:50

Given that your parents are saving you somewhere in the region of £3500 between now and September I think I might allow them a plate of beef in gravy.

If it wasn’t for that (not insignificant) factor I’d tell them to like it or lump it. It’s rude to not accept what the host is offering unless you have medical/ethical reasons (allergies or vegetarianism for example).

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2019 20:50

Since when has it become normal and acceptable to be invited to a meal and then to refuse the food on offer and bring your own food?

I’m vegan. I’m not sure I need to explain any more!

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 20:51

They are back in contact now but I think he sees me as weak.

Unfortunately he is right OP. You’re stuck in FOG and trying to meet parental expectation and it’s a stressful quicksand.

Narcissists like your dad need to be given boundaries otherwise their behaviour dominates.

I bet he wouldn’t be cooking his own bloody beef, he’s expecting someone else to cook it for him.

LH1987 · 19/11/2019 20:52

I can totally see your husbands point of view. What they are doing is incredibly rude. However, this is a situation where, you can be right or you can be happy. It’s really not worth it to make a stand on this. Just smile sweetly and let them eat their cold dried beef that has been transported between venues.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 20:52

I am surprised, DH is not usually like this. Except for my parents. It’s making me think that he really does hate them. He has no patience with them and the slightest thing they do annoys him. It’s a sad situation and I feel like crying now! I used to have a great relationship with them, then they did something really unpleasant when I was pregnant with my first and things have never really been the same. I’ve pretended they have, but they haven’t really. DH is a really, really lovely husband. I know that doesn’t come across in this situation. He was very patient and put up with a lot for a lot of years.

OP posts:
CheeryB · 19/11/2019 20:53

I really struggle to see how how your parents bringing some beef to enjoy with the rest of the meal is a big deal

Cos the husband has taken the hump and is making it a big deal. He's not going to allow the smallest sliver of beef cross his threshold on Xmas day. He wants to watch everybody chew on turkey.

SnorkMaiden81 · 19/11/2019 20:53

This is all about egos. Your DH and your DF's fragile, male egos.

Your DH needs to get over himself, he obviously fancies himself as The Founder of the Feast and his ego is wounded by your DF's insistence to bring his own meat (undoubtedly done for this very reason). It's taken some of the glory off him.

It's all a bit Grizwold Family Christmas to me. How boring.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 20:54

What did they do when you were pregnant?

NoSauce · 19/11/2019 20:55

What sort of things have they done to you to make DH feel like this and your brother go NC?

Leeds2 · 19/11/2019 20:56

For many years, ex and I went for Christmas lunch with friends for whom turkey was the go to meat. For them, it was a family Christmas tradition. I am not that keen on turkey, but I never said this, never suggested - or took! - an alternative and ate what I was offered. I sort of think that if someone else is prepared to cook for you, you eat it with good grace. So yes, I do think DF is being rude and, as an adult, he should eat what is on offer with good grace.
On the other hand, your DH may think DF is being rude, but would it really hurt him to "allow" beef on the table? If DF's aim is to annoy DH, surely DH accepting the beef with a smile will annoy DF much more than a refusal would do. Maybe even tell DF what a great idea it is?

ffswhatnext · 19/11/2019 20:58

Doesn't everyone else do a couple of different meats for Christmas dinner?
When we can be bothered, that's what makes it different to just another roast. Plus meals like this, I encourage guests to do their share lol.

I cannot see what is so wrong about bringing some meat unless it's overcooked. Breaks up the dullness of turkey.

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