Christmas dinner drama

[thegreenlight]

My husband is cooking turkey Christmas dinner this year with all the trimmings. We have invited my parents and my mum said she would bring beef in gravy. I told my husband this and he was quite upset (he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him) I very gently suggested to my mum that she not bring anything and she was fine with this initially.

However, when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted and that if he was a vegetarian we would have to cater to him and this is no different. I am now stuck in the middle and don’t know who is being more unreasonable.

My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day but I don’t want to drag our DDs (6 and 2) away from their presents.

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this. This has probably coloured DHs reaction. They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

I can see where DH is coming from but I don’t put as much importance on Christmas dinner as he does.

Help! I don’t know what to do. Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out as he hasn’t had the lifetime’s experience of dealing with them like I have and will just tell it as it is and that would be taken out on me. Advice please!

[ViciousJackdaw]

when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted

What would happen if you simply said 'Oh OK then, that's a shame, maybe we'll see you at some other time then?'

[NoSauce]

I cannot see what is so wrong about bringing some meat unless it's overcooked. Breaks up the dullness of turkey

Have you even read any of the OPs posts?

[thegreenlight]

TatianaLarina
They called DH out of bed at 1 in the morning when they were drunk to taxi their friends home instead of calling an actual taxi so he drove across town and did as they asked to keep me happy (FOG). Their friend tried to pass DH £10 when he got them home. He was mortified. Parents then rang to apologise (still drunk) and when I agreed with them and said it wasn’t really on to ask him to do that, they turned on me and were very unkind and then didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks.

They have form for saying something but then turning on me when I do what they say or agree with them I.e don’t make a big fuss for Father’s Day, spend it with your children and DH and then when asked about my plans and I say I will pop round with kids to give Dad his Father’s Day present I am suddenly the worlds worst daughter as my dad has done so much for me.

My mum used to call me and scream at me for really petty reasons with my dad shouting at me in the background until one day DH lost it and screamed down the phone at her to leave me alone. I made him apologise, he did. For me.

Realising this is about much more than bloody Christmas dinner.

[everythingisginandroses]

Christmas is easier without parents, I don't envy you. Just uninvite them, they sound like a pain in the bum.

[ffswhatnext]

If your dh wants the Christmas dinner without beef, remind him the kitchen is open for his use the other 364 days of the year (365 obvs. for leap year).

I'm interested in hearing some of the other controlling things your dad is supposed to be doing.

[Butterymuffin]

Agree with @Lunde and @Mercedes519. Your parents are still trying to control you and you're letting them, at your DH's expense. You've said he's lovely and has put up with a lot. When are you ever going to back him up over your parents?

You've made excuses for your mum. You haven't said anything about your dad. He doesn't sound nice. Yet you're happy for your child to spend two days a week in his company to keep the peace with your mum? I think your child deserves better than that. They should have the care that is best for them, not what makes you feel less guilty about your parents.

[everythingisginandroses]

Cross-posted with you there, OP. I take it back - they sound like a MEGA pain in the bum.

[LucilleBluth]

Fucking mumsnet....can you IMAGINE this being a MIL. Op your parents sound awful!

[TatianaLarina]

Realising this is about much more than bloody Christmas dinner.

Yup.

I actually can’t believe your parents used DH as a taxi service at 1am for their mates. It’s not as if they even rang to ask him to pick them up.

I think DH is just fed up of watching you get walked over. And is taking a stand. With a turkey drum stick. 🍗

[NoSauce]

No wonder your husband has had enough of them. This isn’t about the bloody beef.

Like most threads on AIBU there’s a huge back story.

Put your husband first OP.

[tillytrotter1]

I think your husband is being precious

If it were the wife cooking and her in-laws doing this I think the MN reaction would be different!

[Beautiful3]

I think you and your husband are being unreasonable. They don't like turkey like many others, me included. All they want to do is bring is a piece of beef. Just say yes and be done with it.

[thegreenlight]

I know about the childcare. I always think it will be better, but it’s not. I can’t do anything about it now until September as child minder he is with only works 4 days a week and is full. He is going into nursery full time when he turns 3 so it won’t be an issue then. My dad is more of my mums enabler and has been allowed to become very selfish. He was an alcoholic for most of my life, then went tee total and is now drinking again. He doesn’t do any child care, my mum has them at my house.

[messolini9]

However, when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted and that if he was a vegetarian we would have to cater to him and this is no different.

1. it is completely different - vegetarianism is a moral preference. Your dad is being a persnickity arse
   
2. how can parents not see how fucking rude they are being? Who makes demands like this when being offered a nice dinner, let alone Xmas dinner?!
   
3. You could always go along with them, then produce turkey on the day - then be "blissfully unaware" of any fallout.
   
   I am now stuck in the middle and don’t know who is being more unreasonable.
   REALLY?
   Your parents are threatening not to come unless DH kowtows & cooks the meat they prefer? You could always call their bluff. Let them stew at home, eating beef. Haven't you had enough narcissism & control from them to last all the rest of your Christmasses by now?

[Drum2018]

Not everyone likes turkey. Dd hasn't eaten it in about 3 years. I'd be delighted if she offered to provide her own meal. It would be worse if yor dad expected Dh to cook a separate meal but the fact that he's bringing it with him, I'd let him.

[NoSauce]

Personally I wouldn’t be leaving my you g children with them.

[ffswhatnext]

NoSauce
Yes, I have read the op's posts.
Hubby wants turkey.
Dad wants beef.
Mil does some childcare.
Until the last post from op there was a possibility of control from parents.

I don't understand why your dh got out of bed though and went to do the trip. I would be perplexed if someone then agreed with me for being cheeky as I would be thinking why do it then in the first place. £10 not a big deal they paid for petrol.

Screaming and shouting, yea tell them to fuck themselves and hang up.

[NoSauce]

Until the last post from op there was a possibility of control from parents

She says in her first post they are narc and controlling. They sound pretty toxic to me.

[BMW6]

Sounds like there is a huge backstory here - and your DH has had enough of your parents.

The thing is, with the obvious bad feeling between your DH and your parents, having them to Xmas dinner is going to be fucked whatever is being served and eaten.

I think you would be better off not having parents for dinner. Why don't you take the children to them for a couple of hours Xmas morning while DH is cooking, then have dinner as a family at yours?

[caroline161]

Let them eat beef.....it really really really doesn't matter in the big scheme of things.

[PurpleDaisies]

1) it is completely different - vegetarianism is a moral preference. Your dad is being a persnickity arse.

Plenty of people have food preferences. Lots of vegetarians just don’t like meat. Plenty of vegans aren’t doing it for the animals or environment.

2) how can parents not see how fucking rude they are being? Who makes demands like this when being offered a nice dinner, let alone Xmas dinner?!

To start with, they weren’t demanding anything. They were just bringing beef for the dad to eat. Surely most reasonable people would just say that’s fine? It never needed my get this far.

3) You could always go along with them, then produce turkey on the day - then be "blissfully unaware" of any fallout.

They would have brought their own beef so it wouldn’t make any difference.

[PurpleDaisies]

The thing is, with the obvious bad feeling between your DH and your parents, having them to Xmas dinner is going to be fucked whatever is being served and eaten.

This is spot on.

[stucknoue]

Personally I hate it when people bring food but I'm also a Turkey hater and he's right about vegetarians getting special food (just ordered a vegan main for pita vegans.). Let him bring his beef, or consider all having beef, it's nicer than turkey!

[BarbedBloom]

After reading your update I am with your DH. He has watched you be treated badly for years, has suffered situations like the taxi for years and when he defended you, which any decent partner would do, you made him apologise. Then you overruled him on childcare too and have let them look after your children who are probably being taught to be compliant to them above all others too. Quite honestly, I would have broken a long time before now and I come from an abusive household.

This is not about the dinner, you know that. It is about constantly having to please your parents above all else and him probably being furious at the way they treat all of you. It may seem stupid to pick beef as a hill to die on, but that is what is happening here. As someone who once had in laws like this, for every example you have given here, there will be hundreds more you haven't even noticed due to blurred boundaries. I wouldn't want to spend christmas with them and I imagine he is hoping they won't come