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Original poster

Christmas dinner drama

268 replies

thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 19:36

My husband is cooking turkey Christmas dinner this year with all the trimmings. We have invited my parents and my mum said she would bring beef in gravy. I told my husband this and he was quite upset (he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him) I very gently suggested to my mum that she not bring anything and she was fine with this initially.

However, when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted and that if he was a vegetarian we would have to cater to him and this is no different. I am now stuck in the middle and don’t know who is being more unreasonable.

My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day but I don’t want to drag our DDs (6 and 2) away from their presents.

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this. This has probably coloured DHs reaction. They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

I can see where DH is coming from but I don’t put as much importance on Christmas dinner as he does.

Help! I don’t know what to do. Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out as he hasn’t had the lifetime’s experience of dealing with them like I have and will just tell it as it is and that would be taken out on me. Advice please!

OP posts:
NoSauce · 19/11/2019 20:12

What sort of stuff have they done OP?
Stop being vague. I don’t understand why you use them for childcare personally if their behaviour is bad.

CalleighDoodle · 19/11/2019 20:12

Wtaf does your dh only cook at christmas?!

justasking111 · 19/11/2019 20:12

My narcissistic mother spoilt more family events than I can count, thank god I finally put a stop to it. Tell your parents you will see them sometime over xmas maybe Boxing Day and they can put that in their pipe and smoke it. If they refuse, shrug and say OK. No drama just OK.

PepsiLola · 19/11/2019 20:13

I would just say sorry, this is what we're having at on our Christmas Day, you are more than welcome to join us and eat with us, but it's pretty insulting to bring your own food rather than eat ours. If you don't want turkey that's fine, you don't have to eat with us and we'll see you Boxing Day instead

Anniegetyourgun · 19/11/2019 20:14

Another turkey non-fan here. My theory is that Christmas dinner has to have "all the trimmings" so you get some actual flavour going on.

Pussinboots25 · 19/11/2019 20:15

Hmmmm, it’s no big deal is it. I feel like there’s another problem between your parents and husband for him to suggest cancelling them over this. My partners dad doesn’t eat certain meat or anything with fat, therefore my mums doing chicken separate for him. It’s christmas ffs

Mercedes519 · 19/11/2019 20:16

Reverse this and we have a really common story on MN. ILs who have a history and a DH who doesn’t stand up to them and won’t admit they cause trouble, just wants to keep the peace.

Sounds familiar? “You have a DH problem” “Go low contact”

But because it’s the DH standing up to them he’s now being macho and difficult.

This isn’t about meat OP. You need to choose whether you back your DH or spend your life torn into two by trying to please everyone.

FenellaMaxwell · 19/11/2019 20:16

Your problem here is not the Christmas dinner menu. It’s that your lazy husband only cooks once a year!

Supersimkin2 · 19/11/2019 20:17

Your parents are rude, whiny and annoying. Wouldn't you have a lovely Xmas without them?

Celebelly · 19/11/2019 20:18

Why can't he just bring the beef and your husband do turkey (maybe even a smaller turkey or a turkey crown or something) and then everyone is happy? My parents are vegetarians but we have turkey when we go to theirs for Christmas and they have their own 'main'. It works fine, no stress.

Sarahandco · 19/11/2019 20:18

I would tell your husband that his turkey will be much nicer than dads beef in gravy. Try and get your husband to see the funny side if you can. Maybe make it into a bit of competition, see who has the nicest meal. As long as that does not cause a big family argument of course!

escapade1234 · 19/11/2019 20:19

How can this matter to any of you?

NoSauce · 19/11/2019 20:19

Your problem here is not the Christmas dinner menu. It’s that your lazy husband only cooks once a year!

What has that got to do with anything?

MustardScreams · 19/11/2019 20:20

So your dh will use your parents for free childcare but won’t let your dad bring some beef to Christmas dinner?

Honestly. Both of you give your head a wobble and stop being so bloody ridiculous. It’s beef! At Christmas. Who gives a fuck what anyone eats, really?

Ragwort · 19/11/2019 20:20

I think your DDad is being rude and trying to ‘assert’ himself over your DH. If he had a genuine allergy to turkey that would be different but just because ‘he doesn’t like it’ Hmm - tough, we’ve all had to sit through meals that we don’t particularly like, it’s just being an adult. My dad doesn’t like turkey, but he always has a small helping on Christmas Day and fills up on other parts of the meal.

ElleEmDee · 19/11/2019 20:20

Remind your DH your parents are providing significant (presumably free) childcare for his child in the coming months and perhaps he just needs to suck this one up. With such pigheadedness on both sides, you risk this getting blown out of proportion and you might find the childcare offer withdrawn.

Spitsandspots · 19/11/2019 20:21

my family have a tradition of having a number of meats and a number of starter choices and a number of deserts so to me it’s not a big deal at all

Nor me. As pp said, clash of traditions. I personally HATE turkey, would rather just eat potatoes and veg dry than have any turkey & turkey gravy BUT I would totally understand someone wanting something else on offer other than turkey, even outside of my family, anywhere else I’ve been I have always seen least two meats offered.

DH is BVU, especially being as they are looking after DD and have offered to bring the alternative meat.

Also My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day

Him cooking the turkey & them bringing beef is a COMPROMISE. DH is saying that they shouldn’t come if they bring beef! So, who is more controlling here?
Strikes me you have swapped living with one controlling family for another controlling situation.

Loopytiles · 19/11/2019 20:21

WTF: you’re fine with your “narcissistic” parents looking after your DC 2 days a week, and DH peackocking/showncooking only once a year, but not fine with your father offending your H’s chef ego.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/11/2019 20:22

If he was a vegetarian he would just eat the veg and not the turkey so his point is mute

I think you'll find it's not a mute point. It's a moo point :-)

FenellaMaxwell · 19/11/2019 20:22

@NoSauce the DH is being particularly sanctimonious about the meal because it’s the only one he cooks in the whole year. If he did his fair share of cooking then he wouldn’t be fussed remotely about someone bringing beef.

flouncyfanny · 19/11/2019 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 19/11/2019 20:25

They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

(he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him)

Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out

He used to like them very much but as he’s got older and we have had children of our own he has become less and less tolerant

Your DH is being a very ungracious host.

He knows everyone eats all year, right? One roast dinner doesn’t make him The King of Catering.

Either it’s a celebration meal, in which case cater to the guests you have invited (or let them bring their own dish to contribute) or don’t offer to cook.

Sorry, maybe your parents have been controlling in the past but he’s acting like a wanker on this one. A somewhat controlling wanker, quite honestly.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 20:25

It’s me that insisted on mum doing childcare x he’s never been happy about it and has just reminded me of that loudly. She looked after my first and I wanted my second to have a good relationship too.

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 19/11/2019 20:25

This is just another way of your parents controlling you. I’m with your DH on this

NoSauce · 19/11/2019 20:26

FenellaMaxwell I see what you mean but I think it’s more the beef ( see what I did there ) he has with his FIL in general why he’s behaving like this.