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Original poster

Christmas dinner drama

268 replies

thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 19:36

My husband is cooking turkey Christmas dinner this year with all the trimmings. We have invited my parents and my mum said she would bring beef in gravy. I told my husband this and he was quite upset (he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him) I very gently suggested to my mum that she not bring anything and she was fine with this initially.

However, when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted and that if he was a vegetarian we would have to cater to him and this is no different. I am now stuck in the middle and don’t know who is being more unreasonable.

My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day but I don’t want to drag our DDs (6 and 2) away from their presents.

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this. This has probably coloured DHs reaction. They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

I can see where DH is coming from but I don’t put as much importance on Christmas dinner as he does.

Help! I don’t know what to do. Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out as he hasn’t had the lifetime’s experience of dealing with them like I have and will just tell it as it is and that would be taken out on me. Advice please!

OP posts:
JasonPollack · 19/11/2019 20:29

I'm with your DH, i would find it rude also. And your dad is being a controlling child. Do you always give in to your parents? I think your husband has a you problem!

plightofthealbatross · 19/11/2019 20:29

I really struggle to see how how your parents bringing some beef to enjoy with the rest of the meal is a big deal.

Bluerussian · 19/11/2019 20:30

I think your parents - particularly your dad - are being very unreasonable. It is not, however, unusual to have another meat alongside turkey - pork, beef or gammon. Would your husband consider doing that?

If you put it to him like that he might be more accepting of your mum bringing beef and gravy, her way of 'helping/contributing' if you like.

I really do hope all goes well, Christmas often seems to bring out the worst in some families.

justasking111 · 19/11/2019 20:30

They do free childcare, well they have you over a barrel for now. I can see why your DH isn`t keen on them having the children if they think it gives them carte blanche to set the rules.

Having said all that I would love a huge rib of beef on Christmas Day rather than a turkey Grin

BillHadersNewWife · 19/11/2019 20:31

Ridiculous! Some households have three or four types of meat at Christmas! Your DH is like a child!

MustardScreams · 19/11/2019 20:32

I can’t imagine ever being so ridiculous that I would begrudge my own parents, or my PIL bringing some food they liked for Christmas.

Is your life so very dull that this is the only thing you have to worry about?

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 20:32

I'm team DH.
If you are invited for a meal, you accept what is provided for you - you DO NOT BRING YOUR OWN which is basically what your mum will do for your dad.

Absolutely. Staggeringly rude.

When I’m asked out for dinner I don’t ask what the menu is and if I don’t fancy it announce I will bring own roast duck or I’m not coming.

Christmas in our house is turkey and all the trimmings. If people want to join us they are more than welcome. But that is the menu. Veggie I can accommodate because they don’t eat meat. But if you eat meat, you simply don’t fancy turkey that’s fine go somewhere else.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/11/2019 20:32

I think the H is as controlling/self-obsessed, if not more so, than the parents. In fact, OP, did you find your parents 'difficult' when you were growing up, or is it just since your H decided that he had to be the most important person that the relationship became strained?

An H who was a reasonable person, and who perhaps did his share of the cooking on a regular basis (rather than doing one performance roast a year and no doubt sulking if you don't all have orgasms over it with every bite) would just shrug and laugh and go along with it - not least because, if you do have a guest who is doing this for attention and drama, cheerfully accepting them bringing their own food tends to spike their guns.

scubadive · 19/11/2019 20:33

You need to make light of it, tell DH your Dad is old, stuck in his ways and to just ignore him like everyone else does. Then let your mum bring the beef, yes incredibly rude to bring your own food not tell DH he should rise above it.

TatianaLarina · 19/11/2019 20:33

And your dad is being a controlling child.

Yup. No doubt they are controlling in other ways. OP needs to take a stand.

NoSquirrels · 19/11/2019 20:33

This is just another way of your parents controlling you.

It’s beef in gravy. No one else has to eat it except OP’s Dad (and maybe her Mum).

Isn’t it possible for a grown-up man to rise above this?

He’s not being asked to ONLY serve MIL’s beef in gravy. He’s not being asked to eat it, and neither is anyone else- they can eat the World’s Most Special Turkey Prepared Annually Only by Male Hand and ooh and aah over it.

It may be on the rude side to insist but honestly if you host, then bloody well HOST, man. Take some pride in rising above provocation and be considerate of your guests.

It’s one meal. Peace and goodwill.

BlouseAndSkirt · 19/11/2019 20:33

Stuck between a knob and a diva.

Christmas lunch is not the moment to 'make a stand' about a portion of beef in gravy.

There are loads of 'trimmings' that your DH is cooking, all of which are more fiddly to make than the actual turkey, and presumably your Dad will be eating these?

Will your DH throw a hissy fit if your Dad declines to eat any red cabbage? Take a stand and make him sit at the table til he's eaten it?

What if they bring a bottle of Liebfraumilch because they don't like the Chablis your DH serves with the prawn cocktail? Will your DH tell them they can't come?

Your Dad is obviously being a nob, too. But your DH needs to find another occasion to make his stand.

Jeez, two men making life difficult for two women. Who'da thunk it.

Travis1 · 19/11/2019 20:34

Who only does turkey on Christmas Day though? I’d be gutted turkey is the worst meat. Grin

blackteasplease · 19/11/2019 20:35

They all sound awful tbh. Your parents and DH. No one should be making a fuss about this - either insisting on bringing the beef or insisting on it not being brought.

I also wonder why you allow narcissistic people to care for your DC. Your later post about them caring for first DC does not clear that up!

Does your DH have a deeper problem with them - he must do - and what is it?

Whilst i think he’s being precious about his big deal dinner, I also think it’s ridiculous of them to stick their heels in about the beef.

TFSRM · 19/11/2019 20:35

It is one meal!!! Your dad is being unreasonable. He can eat what everyone else eats for one meal. This is not the same as being vegetarian.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 19/11/2019 20:36

Your DH is being a controlling egotistical twat and turkey is the MDF in the world of meat. Y(He) ABVVU.

MustardScreams · 19/11/2019 20:37

But it’s christmas. Why shouldn’t everyone have what they enjoy eating?

Turkey is shit anyway, I’d bring my own beef if that was the only option.

ShippingNews · 19/11/2019 20:37

This is just another way of your parents controlling you

No it isn't ! It's a plate of meat !. At my place we normally have about 3-4 different meats on Christmas Day. And about 10 different vegetables and salads. Why on earth is a plate of beef causing such angst ? Just let both men provide the meat they like , and enjoy Christmas.

DriftingLeaves · 19/11/2019 20:38

I think your DH is every bit as controlling as your parents.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/11/2019 20:39

You are caught in the middle. Each side testing you to see who you will choose.

I sympathise.

Take a stand. Tell them all they are making you miserable.

Don’t put up with this shit any longer.

Though I have to say if your DH only cooks once a year I’d not really defer to his preferences in that scenario. He sounds no less controlling than your parents. And a bit odd.

You are in a difficult position. Put there by people who are supposed to love you.

NoSquirrels · 19/11/2019 20:40

Jeez, two men making life difficult for two women. Who'da thunk it.

^^This.

Your DH clearly doesn’t want to spend Christmas with your FIL.

Your FIL doesn’t want to spend Christmas with your DH either.

Neither of them are thinking of their wives, or of the children.

Lunde · 19/11/2019 20:40

So you have been conditioned by your parents to give in to their want "to keep the peace" even if it upsets your DH. You have got your way on the childcare issue, now Christmas dinner and probably other things as well.

I think your DH must be feeling pretty undermined by you and your parents that he is always overruled by what they want. Your DH must be feeling that you are not a team and what he wants is never good enough. You don't see a problem with them bringing roast beef - but presumably they will want oven or hob space that your dh will be using for his turkey dinner.

You seem to be saying that your dh should once again suck it up so that you can pander to your parents

Pomley · 19/11/2019 20:40

It's some meat, for goodness sake, do people not have anything else going on in their lives that they can get worked up about this?

babydog · 19/11/2019 20:40

in this (ridiculous) situation, I would sack them all off and go to McDonalds on my own for a toffee latte (I don't even like McDonalds)

babydog · 19/11/2019 20:42

So you have been conditioned by your parents to give in to their want "to keep the peace" even if it upsets your DH

but who could stay married to a man, that gets 'upset' by his fil wanting to eat beef? it's just too tedious