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Original poster

Christmas dinner drama

268 replies

thegreenlight · 19/11/2019 19:36

My husband is cooking turkey Christmas dinner this year with all the trimmings. We have invited my parents and my mum said she would bring beef in gravy. I told my husband this and he was quite upset (he only really cooks at Christmas and it is kind of a big deal to him) I very gently suggested to my mum that she not bring anything and she was fine with this initially.

However, when I saw her next she said that my dad (who is in his 70s) wasn’t coming if he couldn’t eat the meat he wanted and that if he was a vegetarian we would have to cater to him and this is no different. I am now stuck in the middle and don’t know who is being more unreasonable.

My husband said that we should cancel them coming to dinner if they won’t eat what he cooks and we should just pop in to see them on Christmas day but I don’t want to drag our DDs (6 and 2) away from their presents.

My parents can be quite narcissistic and controlling and there is a bit of bad blood with my husband and them due to their previous treatment of me but they seem blissfully unaware of this. This has probably coloured DHs reaction. They do do a lot for us (my mum is looking after DD2 2 days a week until September).

I can see where DH is coming from but I don’t put as much importance on Christmas dinner as he does.

Help! I don’t know what to do. Any direct engagement between my parents and DH would cause a massive falling out as he hasn’t had the lifetime’s experience of dealing with them like I have and will just tell it as it is and that would be taken out on me. Advice please!

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 20/11/2019 01:31

I'd suggest DH cooks beef too, purely to : a) to avoid a massive drama for now & b) to give you breathing space to reassess how you want to avoid crap like this going forward: whether it be low contact, no contact, or establishing a joint, agreed set of boundaries re their behaviour.

Bluerussian · 20/11/2019 01:33

Double ditto! It has to be handled tactfully though. There is more to this as op's husband has less than positive history with her parents.

Like most of us, sometimes things have to be sucked up.

NoSauce · 20/11/2019 01:43

By cooking the beef you are enabling their previous toxic behaviour. Time to draw a line under it. I get why the H feels the way he does, he’s had enough.

IWantADifferentName · 20/11/2019 02:42

Your Dad (and Mum) are being rude by suggesting that your meal (your husband’s meal) either isn’t what they want or isn’t up to scratch. It is pretty insulting to host/chef. And I can completely understand your DH’s position.

At the same time, they are suggesting they bring an extra dish/contribution to the meal and that isn’t unusual with families at Christmas.

I’d talk to your husband again and see if he would be willing to accept the beef as an additional to the meal he has planned....considering it isn’t unusual at Christmas. And then I would support whatever he decides because your parents have form for this and you did, after all, choose your husband.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 20/11/2019 03:00

These people should not be providing childcare. My god.

Op google out of the fog. You're deep in it.

Stand up for your husband like he's stood up for you. Protect your children.

Not about beef- it's about control. You need to draw a line and show them

Mypathtriedtokillme · 20/11/2019 03:18

OP you and you DH need to sort out childcare that your both happy with for those 2 days.
Is the relationship between you and your parents what you want as an example of a “healthy relationship” your children copy in there own adult lives?

It’s about beef but not really about beef.

Is Xmas going to be a comfortable occasion if your DH bows down to your parents demands and you spent the whole lunch trying to keep your parents happy and make up for your DH’s “bad behaviour”? (Bad behaviour By you not dropping everything to make them happy even at the detriment of your own happiness & relationships?)

It awful to realise as an adult that your parents just kind of suck as people.
You shouldn’t have to do what they want or get the emotional manipulation of silent treatment as punishment.

Sort your child care then a revaluation of what relationship YOU actually want with your parents.

PianoTuner567 · 20/11/2019 08:02

Remember who you chose to spend your life with, to be the father to your children, he deserves better than this.

This

Turniptracker · 20/11/2019 08:08

If this was a MIL doing this to a woman people would be losing their shit

yuiop · 20/11/2019 08:20

Bringing beef if you don't like turkey isn't a big deal, in normal circumstances. Sounds like your dh doesn't really want to spend time with them and this is an out (don't blame him, they sound horrible).

AdelaideK · 20/11/2019 08:22

If it wasn't the beef it would be something else.
Your parents seem the type to just have to do something awkward to be sure they are ones in control.

saraclara · 20/11/2019 08:33

There are two different threads/issues going on here.
But since the OP is about the beef, ffs DH needs to let them bring a plate of (already cooked) beef for your dad. It's not an insult, it's normal for a lot of people, and addressing the bigger issues is for another day. Not Christmas Day of all days.

Wtfdoipick · 20/11/2019 08:42

saraclara that doesn't work if the beef is about asserting control rather than really just wanting beef and there is nothing the op has said to suggest that her father just doesn't like turkey.

Throwawayteacher · 20/11/2019 08:55

I understand that your husband wants to make all the Christmas dinner by himself, but when your parents are providing childcare twice a week maybe keep the peace and allow them to bring some beef.

The fact you said yes until you spoke to your DH shows you that he is being unreasonable becuase of past issues rather than just regarding beef

Did your husband give the reason why he has to make the whole dinner without anyone else bringing anything? I am trying to think of what a good reason would be but can only imagine he is holding a grudge from past issues?

PurpleDaisies · 20/11/2019 08:56

Did your husband give the reason why he has to make the whole dinner without anyone else bringing anything? I am trying to think of what a good reason would be but can only imagine he is holding a grudge from past issues?

Oh my goodness. Did you not bother reading ANY of the thread?

Asiama · 20/11/2019 08:57

OP this isn't about the beef, it's about your parents being controlling again.

My parents are exactly the same. I invite them for lunch and they bring their own food. They eat it in Tupperware boxes because my plates / cutlery is not good enough. Sometimes they bring the same thing that I have cooked (eg rice). They will sit there and criticise my food without having tried it. I now don't invite them anymore. To others it might just seem like food, but I know it's just one more of their narcissistic, controlling ways to put me in my place.

They have to modify every event in some way otherwise they get upset. Each modification may seem like a minor thing, like your beef dish, but it's the frequency and the intent behind it that riles me up. It's their way or the high way and they ruin everything by their controlling nature, lack of manners, willingness to compromise and drama they create. No one is happy and even if I find a way to manage it, all the bad feelings that have been created ruin the day.

Your parents are not going to change and you unfortunately have to accept that whatever now happens, Christmas Day is not going to be the happy day you had hoped for. Either you allow your parents to exert control and accept that it's the price your whole family has to pay to have them there, or you back up your DH and stand up for your husband (who is actually standing up for you!) and accept that they won't be there for Christmas lunch.

crispysausagerolls · 20/11/2019 09:02

Your poor DH. Used as a taxi when they are drunk? Stood up for you and he had to apologise?!

Come on, have his back. I agree with a PP he can offer to make beef too and if that’s not ok they can fuck off. Tbh even if he doesn’t want to do this he’s your husband and they can fuck off.

Throwawayteacher · 20/11/2019 09:04

Sorry just read the whole thread, oh my life! I assumed from you letting them look after your child they couldn't be that bad but they are horrible!

Your poor husband! I can't believe he got out of bed at 1am to taxi your drunk parents! Total turn around, but you definitely can't expect him to have them at Christmas. Especially with your dad drinking again? That's not fair on the children surely?

I know you have said the childminder is full but there must be more than one in your area and 9 months is a long time to let them care for your youngest?

(Ignore my last message as hadn't read it all, same as you with a 2 year old, so trying to read 11 pages of messages takes a while Blush )

Dilkhush · 20/11/2019 09:09

Stand by and with your DH. If they don't want the food he's cooking then don't have to come. Your parents are trying to control you as if you were still a child in their family. They need to adjust to the idea that you are now the adult in your family.

I invited my parents for Christmas and they accepted. When I told them I would prefer not to invite my sister for Christmas Day and to explore whether she has friends she would like to spend it with, my mother immediately said "Well I'm not coming then." I said that would be a shame. My dad said we could visit them for New Year but that's not suitable with our teenagers.

Two months passed. Faced with the prospect of not seeing us at all, my parents reopened the conversation. They are now both coming for Christmas and my sister will spend the day with a friend (we'll have a day out together on Boxing Day). My mother still thinks of herself as the central person in the family, but she's not. I am. For decades nobody ever told her who she had to invite for Christmas. I've always been supportive about who she invites to her house, but she's not controlling who I invite to mine. It's an adjustment for her, but I think my standing firm will be very helpful in the future.

My DH was supportive throughout this and that was a great comfort.

Pilot12 · 20/11/2019 09:10

Buy a small beef joint and have your husband cook that as well as the turkey, then everyone has a choice of two meats (my MIL always cooks two meats) and everyone eats your husbands delicious meal. If they still insist on bringing their own then it's a control/trying to cause trouble issue in which case I would uninvited them (but be prepared to lose your childcare).

NoSauce · 20/11/2019 09:56

If this was a MIL doing this to a woman people would be losing their shit

Yes they would. Are they not because it’s a man who doesn’t want to conform or because it’s the OPs own parents causing trouble? Probably the former.

LannisterLion1 · 20/11/2019 10:01

I can't believe that when your dh had your back, stood up to his wife bring verbally abused, you forced him to apologise and back down. He has a big dw problem.

This is the straw that broke the camels back, your parents controlling and you bending over immediately. In a normal family dynamic with reasonable parents, your dp would look the rigid and controlling one but in this dynamic your parents and you are controlling. He stands up for you and you screw him over by making him apologise. You need to pick a side here. Either play the dutiful scraping daughter who will probably lose her dh if he's sensible or stand up the woman who takes no shit and doesn't force her family to bow down.

Comefromaway · 20/11/2019 10:14

It wouldn't bother me. My mum is a fussy eater and doesn't like turkey or chicken so if she were to bring a few slices of roast beef for herself that would be fine. She also doesn't eat gravy made with bisto like we do so often she will bring her own gravy.

I don't like lamb so if I go to their house and they are having lamb I might take a chicken portion.

CJsGoldfish · 20/11/2019 10:21

Those saying let them being the beef ffs etc, have you rtft or not?
Every post.
If this was a MIL doing this to a woman people would be losing their shit
Not me.

I do all the cooking at my house at Christmas and if someone brought a dish, I'd be gracious and it would appear on the table with everything else. The more food the better.
I get that there are other issues at play but why pick this hill? Let everything else go and then make sure it's a shit Christmas because someone wants beef instead of turkey?

DelphiniumBlue · 20/11/2019 10:25

DH is being very precious. It's Christmas, why shouldn't your dad have beef if he wants it? We do beef and turkey as some of us prefer it, my mum brings it and it's so not an issue. Will dad eat both?

onanothertrain · 20/11/2019 10:50

I'm shocked at the number of posters who think the DH is being unreasonable. If this was a woman having an issue with her in laws the responses would be very different.
You need to back your husband on this, it's not about a bit of beef as I'm sure you know. He has a DW problem.