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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not put father on birth certificate.

112 replies

Singlemotherxoxo · 18/11/2019 21:49

Hi, my baby is 2weeks old and I’ve been meaning to register her name and birth. Me and the father are no longer together. I had a appointment today to register her but the father lives an hour away and told me he has not received money from universal credit and apparently they’ve only given him £5 (doesn’t make sense now to think of it.also have no idea where he’s spending his money as he hasn’t spent a dime on his child. Asked him to buy her nappies and he couldn’t even do that) he then asked me for £10 to travel to which I sent to him. I told him I was going sleep for bit as baby was sleeping and for him to ring the bell when he was her. I woke up to a text from him saying he will be running late... the appointment was in 30mins time and 5mins away from me but a hour from him. I called his phone and he told me he’s on his way back home and had to pop out quick... so what was the £10 for ? I told him we can’t be late so we would have to rearrange. I feel like he’s not taking anything seriously so now considering going to the appointment myself and not putting him on the birth certificate. Am I wrong for this ?

OP posts:
Wishforsnow · 18/11/2019 21:53

Go on your own. If he wants PR he can request it. If he wanted to he would have been there. You are so much better off leaving him to request PR

bakabakabeyond · 18/11/2019 21:54

Go on your own and give baby your surname.

Tinkerbell19 · 18/11/2019 22:08

You can add his name to the birth certificate without him being there by asking him to fill in a statutory declaration of acknowledgement of parentage form. I would make one more appointment, tell him to either show up and register the birth with you or return the form to you before the appointment, so you can add him. If he doesn't bother then go ahead and register without him

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2019 22:26

YANBU and don't send him any more money. Keep it for your child.

Slappadabass · 18/11/2019 22:30

He obviously doesn't care, I wouldn't give him another chance either.

Don't send the slacker anymore money, he's using you, when he should be the one providing.

Pinkvici22 · 18/11/2019 22:31

YABU whether he’s a good dad or not, he’s the child’s dad and the child has a right to know their identity.

Starlight456 · 18/11/2019 22:35

No . To ask for money rather than supporting don’t give him a penny more .

Are you not in the uk ? Or have you been to the appointment?

DonKeyshot · 18/11/2019 22:37

On NO ACCOUNT WHATSOEVER should you allow this feckless man to be named as father on your child's birth certificate.

If you name him you'll be handing him parental responsibility on a plate which will give him the right to object or interfere with decisions you will need to make in future for your dc, such as education, medical treatment, where/how they spend holidays etc, and he'll forever have a stick to beat you with on matters such as contact.

Failing to name him will not affect any claim you make for child maintenance and he will need to apply to the courts for parental responsibility if he wish to object to any decisions you make for your dc.

Register the birth on your own, but in any event be sure to give your dc your surname as this will avoid potential problems with travel and avoids your dc querying why they have a different surname to you or any future dc you may have.

From what you've said, this guy is unlikely to be around in the long term and you would be a fool to imagine that he will be a loving and supporting df to your dc.

ChristinaMarlowe · 18/11/2019 22:41

Go on your own and DEFINITELY give your surname. Best decision I ever made as now DD1 has the same surname as myself DH and DD2. Could not have done that if she had her biological fathers name, just as well since she's never laid eyes on the git.

DonKeyshot · 18/11/2019 22:44

The father does not have to be named on the birth certificate in order for the child to know it's identity, Pinkvici

If you have sole parental responsibility you will retain the right to change your child's surname to that of its father at a later date, OP. If you should marry the father of your child her birth certificate can be amended.

MrsBertBibby · 18/11/2019 22:56

As a family solicitor, I would STRONGLY advise you to register on your own and use your surname.

If he steps up, you can change all that in his favour with ease. If he doesn't, and you put him on the BBC, it is all but impossible to change anything.

JenniferM1989 · 18/11/2019 23:00

OP, you've done all you can. Go yourself and register YOUR baby, he is feckless and doesn't care

WagtailRobin · 18/11/2019 23:05

Every child has the right to know where they came from whether the parent plays a role in their upbringing or not.

Add his name to the birth certificate for your child's sake but stop lending him money, expecting him to step up, think of yourself and your child but don't use the baby as a pawn to point score.

lookatthebabypenguin · 18/11/2019 23:13

Every child has the right to know where they came from whether the parent plays a role in their upbringing or not.

That is entirely separate to the birth certificate. Frankly, leaving someone like this off the birth certificate would be acting in the child's best interests.

If you give this feckless man parental responsibility he will have the power to spend the rest of her childhood screwing her life up.

Desperate to join the school trip to France with all her friends? Nah, sorry, the man who never bothers to see you says no.

She wants to change her surname to match yours instead of the man she never sees? Nah, he says no.

IWantADifferentName · 18/11/2019 23:15
  1. Stop sending him money
  2. Register the baby on your own
  3. His name can be added at a later date if he/you want him to have legal parental responsibility

It’s much easier to add a father’s name to a birth certificate than deal with the consequences of sharing parental responsibility with an irresponsible idiot.

You can still tell you child ‘where they came from’ to paraphrase a PP. not being on the birth certificate doesn’t prevent him from parenting or being named later.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 18/11/2019 23:16

Go on your own and register your baby. You ARE a single mother. If he wants to step up he can apply to court to be added. If your child wants to know who her father is you can tell her and later she can request DNA testing if he does not confirm it. You now have one child to care for -- you don't need two.

lookatthebabypenguin · 18/11/2019 23:16

It's nothing to do with point scoring, it's about acting in the best interests of the child.

Giving crap guilt-laden advice to people because you have a bee in your bonnet about men not being on birth certificates on the other hand...

DarrellMakepeace · 18/11/2019 23:17

You're clearly on your own bringing up this child, so give her your surname and be proud, for both of you.

Don't do a moment's running around for that waste of space, and certainly send no more money.

june2007 · 18/11/2019 23:23

REgiter his name his name for childds sake. Stop sending him money.

BluePheasant · 18/11/2019 23:25

Absolute piss poor effort. If he wanted to be involved he'd be there. Don't listen to the excuses.

Get her registered asap and don't bother with including him. It's down to him to prove his worth and I'll hazard a guess that it's never going to happen. You will be doing your child and yourself a massive favour by leaving him off the register. I wouldn't even bother messaging him anymore. You have no obligation to help him to be a dad, it's his choice.

And for goodness sake, don't lend him another penny.

BluePheasant · 18/11/2019 23:30

REgiter his name his name for childds sake

No. For the child's sake do NOT register his name. Why would you want to give parental responsibility to someone who is so clearly irresponsible and unreliable?

Darkbendis · 18/11/2019 23:38

You cannot put his name on the birth certificate of your daughter if he's not there unless you guys are married ( I understand you are not married) or unless he signs that declaration Tinkerbell mentioned earlier. So anyway, it is up to him to make this effort to put his name on the birth certificate, not your job. So no need to send him money which he spends only he knows what. Go and register the birth of your baby and give her your surname, if the father turns up in the future and wants his name to be added on the certificate, there are ways to do it, but, as I said, that is his call, not yours. Nothing you can do about this at the moment if he doesn't care about his own daughter's birth registration!

Janus · 18/11/2019 23:46

As darkbendis says, he cannot go on the birth certificate unless present when applying for it if you aren’t married. If he can’t be bothered to make sure he’s at that important meeting I’m not sure I would feel comfortable about him having shared parental rights.
It doesn’t mean he can’t be part of your child’s life if he can step up in the future.

Janus · 18/11/2019 23:48

Sorry, unless he has signed the declaration form which he obviously had not done either.

june2007 · 18/11/2019 23:51

I thought he could be named without having parentel responsability? But perhaps not.

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