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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not put father on birth certificate.

112 replies

Singlemotherxoxo · 18/11/2019 21:49

Hi, my baby is 2weeks old and I’ve been meaning to register her name and birth. Me and the father are no longer together. I had a appointment today to register her but the father lives an hour away and told me he has not received money from universal credit and apparently they’ve only given him £5 (doesn’t make sense now to think of it.also have no idea where he’s spending his money as he hasn’t spent a dime on his child. Asked him to buy her nappies and he couldn’t even do that) he then asked me for £10 to travel to which I sent to him. I told him I was going sleep for bit as baby was sleeping and for him to ring the bell when he was her. I woke up to a text from him saying he will be running late... the appointment was in 30mins time and 5mins away from me but a hour from him. I called his phone and he told me he’s on his way back home and had to pop out quick... so what was the £10 for ? I told him we can’t be late so we would have to rearrange. I feel like he’s not taking anything seriously so now considering going to the appointment myself and not putting him on the birth certificate. Am I wrong for this ?

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 19/11/2019 15:02

But she can't put him on the birth certificate if doesnt fucking well turn up to the appointment. He needs to be there or his name does not get included

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 15:05

Your DD deserves to know who her DF is, whether or not you decide to stay with him

OP isn't with him so that's not a factor.

The child can know who her father is without him being given parental rights.

Cheeseandwin5 · 19/11/2019 15:18

Sorry- but I can see are put out about my comment, but for me it is simple.
The Birth certificate is not there to say how good a person he is, how much he pays or if he takes his role seriously. it is there to say who the Birth father is.
It can never be right that one person has the ability not to include a parent otherwise it would be open to all sorts of abuse.
By not putting his name on, he has no rights over the child. If a DF took your child and said unilaterally I have decided you have no rights over this child because I think you are not a good mother, would that be acceptable? Would anyone here agree that a father should have that right? Would anyone say a parent should have that right? And yet people seem to think that a DM should be able to have the power. That is ridiculous.
If he is a bad father than that will be shown and punished in the courts or by the DC over time, but this is a DM deciding that and for a reason that may not be true.

dementedpixie · 19/11/2019 15:20

his name cant go on unless he turns up - can you not understand this??

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 15:20

The Birth certificate is not there to say how good a person he is, how much he pays or if he takes his role seriously. it is there to say who the Birth father is.

It does a little bit more than that.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/11/2019 15:20

Once more, for those at the back all their lives whenever British bureauocracy ever came up.

The register office's system for births was not created with babies' rights to know their parents in mind. That is what words are for.

In fact, the priority was on not forcing men to acknowledge children born out of wedlock if they didn't want to!

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 15:22

@Cheeseandwin5

Also, you do know HE DID NOT TURN UP right?

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/11/2019 15:24

The Birth certificate is not there to say how good a person he is, how much he pays or if he takes his role seriously. it is there to say who the Birth father is.

Only if he turns up to explicitly agree to being named.

bakabakabeyond · 19/11/2019 15:35

@mrsbertbibby I just think some people don't get what it's like to be stuck with an abuser or a deadbeat on their child's birth certificate. It's one of my biggest mistakes. I hate myself for it. Even my exes brother has changed his surname as he doesn't want to be associated with it. I hate it.

firstimemamma · 19/11/2019 15:40

"As a family solicitor, I would STRONGLY advise you to register on your own and use your surname.

If he steps up, you can change all that in his favour with ease. If he doesn't, and you put him on the BBC, it is all but impossible to change anything."

Op over 90% of all the posters on this thread - at least 1 of whom is a solicitor - are all saying the same thing.

I think you know what the right thing to do is.

JacobReesClunge · 19/11/2019 15:54

It's quite possibly a moot question, as OP cannot name XP without his presence and consent, and nothing he's done so far suggests he's going to organise himself sufficiently to come to an appointment. But either way OP, don't listen to any of the arguments about it being the right thing, the child having a right to know who their father is and apparently being unable to access this information without them being listed on the birth certificate. They're really stupid. If you have a choice, ie if he's willing to engage, only allow him to be included if you think it's in your child's best interests.

And give the baby your name.

Starlight456 · 19/11/2019 16:04

Some of the posters on here are missing the point .

How long does absent parents get a day in child’s life . Till 18 if on bc.

There was a post on here not long ago a 16 year old did not want her absent dad access to her school records . He was allowed .

How many of your children have seen their bc ? How many know who their Dad is . My Ds couldn’t find his dad with the info on bc as he has changed his surname.

No one is suggesting stop access but someone who can’t be arsed to turn up taking money from mum is nit someone taking or seriously .

If mum doesn’t care for child assorts of services get involved

OlaEliza · 19/11/2019 16:05

so what was the £10 for ?

Weed, probably.

Ponoka7 · 19/11/2019 18:49

'Cheeseandwin5' if the birth mother did a runner and left the care solely to the father. Only got in touch to get money off him. Then he could quite rightly go to court to have residency. She wouldn't be able to waltz in when it suited her.

The issue is that if a Mother puts a, otherwise absent father, on the BC, then if later on, she tries to safeguard her child, the Court will ask why he has suddenly become unsafe. They will ask if she had doubts why she registered the birth with him.

The OP is asking if she should just make another appointment and go on her own because he couldn't be bothered to turn up. That's how much he cares for the Baby. He shouldn't be given PR based on his behaviour upto now.

He's been in touch to get money off the OP, not to have contact etc.

Original poster

Singlemotherxoxo · 19/11/2019 19:22

@olaeliza yes I found out it was for weed! Thankyou everyone for your advice. I’ve told him I’ve made another appointment tomorrow and gave him the time. If he doesn’t turn up that’s not my fault. I desperately need to register so I can move homes and get the benefits I need for her as money is getting tight

OP posts:

DonKeyshot · 19/11/2019 19:38

As I'm curious to know if he can be arsed to turn up I hope you'll report back tomorrow, OP, but if he does put in an appearance I sincerely hope you won't give your dc his surname as that can only compound your foolishness in naming him as father.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/11/2019 19:39

I think every child deserves to have their father names on their birth certificate where the adults were in a consenting relationship.

If you pick a partner from all the others in the world to be a co parent then both should be named. No one side should hold all the power, both parents are equal.

Financial support shouldn’t be relevant to the BC given how many of both sexes aren’t supporting their child themselves financially but rely on others to do so.

Starlight456 · 19/11/2019 19:40

I think you are crazy someone who takes money off you to buy weed instead of buying nappies you are going to give him pe if he turns up

Wallywobbles · 19/11/2019 19:44

Do you have any idea of how much you are shooting yourself in the foot?

Every fucking thing you went to do with your kid: school, travel, bank accounts, passport and a million things beside this feckless waster will make harder for you.

I cannot even begin to comprehend why you would choose to have him on it. Does he have a golden dick?

JacobReesClunge · 19/11/2019 19:48

I think every child deserves to have their father names on their birth certificate where the adults were in a consenting relationship.

This is not a sensible viewpoint.

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 20:54

I think every child deserves to have their father names on their birth certificate where the adults were in a consenting relationship.

The relationship of the adults is not relevant.

If you pick a partner from all the others in the world to be a co parent then both should be named.

Can't agree more. Only in this case the father isnt co parenting. He didn't turn up, for the most important part.

No one side should hold all the power, both parents are equal.

Actually the child's biggest protector is her mother. If the father is going to be a cunt this early on, it's up to mum to protect.

MockneyReject · 19/11/2019 21:13

Giving this feckless fucker PR is handing him power over both your life and that of your child, for the next 18 years. There is nothing to be gained and a great deal to lose.

FOJeremy · 19/11/2019 21:28

Of course he should be on. He’s the father. Fuck sake.

dementedpixie · 19/11/2019 21:31

He should act like a father then and turn up to the fucking appointment!!

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 21:35

Of course he should be on. He’s the father. Fuck sake

He obviously didn't care much, did he?

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