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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not put father on birth certificate.

112 replies

Singlemotherxoxo · 18/11/2019 21:49

Hi, my baby is 2weeks old and I’ve been meaning to register her name and birth. Me and the father are no longer together. I had a appointment today to register her but the father lives an hour away and told me he has not received money from universal credit and apparently they’ve only given him £5 (doesn’t make sense now to think of it.also have no idea where he’s spending his money as he hasn’t spent a dime on his child. Asked him to buy her nappies and he couldn’t even do that) he then asked me for £10 to travel to which I sent to him. I told him I was going sleep for bit as baby was sleeping and for him to ring the bell when he was her. I woke up to a text from him saying he will be running late... the appointment was in 30mins time and 5mins away from me but a hour from him. I called his phone and he told me he’s on his way back home and had to pop out quick... so what was the £10 for ? I told him we can’t be late so we would have to rearrange. I feel like he’s not taking anything seriously so now considering going to the appointment myself and not putting him on the birth certificate. Am I wrong for this ?

OP posts:

Sheldonoscopy · 19/11/2019 08:05

Please don’t send him money either. He’s supposed to be supporting your dc not you and your dc supporting him. If he wanted it badly enough he’d do whatever it took to be there

Pixxie7 · 19/11/2019 08:09

Everyone has a right to know who their parents are, they are not a possession to play games with. If he chooses not to be involved you will always be able to say that you did the right thing.

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 08:12

Everyone has a right to know who their parents are, they are not a possession to play games with.

Nobody is saying not to tell the child who their father is.

If he chooses not to be involved you will always be able to say that you did the right thing.

And if he chooses to be involved and treats his child the way her has treated their mother?

Don't be silly. Child needs protected.

Twofingers · 19/11/2019 08:17

You can give your child any surname you want (or none at all). You can give them their father’s name if you want, he doesn’t have to be registered as the father for you to do this.

BeanBag7 · 19/11/2019 08:19

I wonder if he thinks that not being on the BC means he wont have to pay child maintenance, so he is "accidentally" not making it to the appointment. He would be wrong of course.
Definitely stop sending him money, even £10 here and there will add up. He should be giving you money not the other way round.

dementedpixie · 19/11/2019 08:20

The OP cannot put his name on the birth certificate if he isnt there. How long do you expect her to wait around for him in order to get the baby registered,??

Get your baby registered with your name. If he is that bothered he can get added at a later date

flirtygirl · 19/11/2019 09:05

Will all the handmaidens please go back to nethuns?

You are not using your child as a weapon if he doesn't show up to have his name on it. This just shows a pattern of behaviour for the next 18 years. He is showing you that he is feckless so believe him.

If he does show up, he can be on the bc but that does not mean it has to be his surname. It can be your surname or be double barrelled.

If you do not put him on as a single mum, it is better so you don't have to think if you want to move for a job or take your child on holiday as too many fathers who dont bother with their child use this to control the mothers.

It has nothing to do with having an identity. If the father is present and involved that is how they know their identity. And only one of many ways to know and have an identity. A child with a good strong mother does not have these issues even if the father is absent.

Don't send him any money, stop being so passive, now you are a mother your child comes first.

So go register your child and let her have your surname.

MrsBertBibby · 19/11/2019 09:18

Bakabaka you have a good chance of double barreling, much less of dropping the Dad's surname.

If you're already in court proceedings just get a C2 in asking for the name change. Nothing ventured.

bakabakabeyond · 19/11/2019 10:07

@mrsbertbibby thank you. I hate that our surnames are different. I have a non mol against my ex and he terrifies me. I can't even bring myself to say his surname. I use my surname for my son but would like it to be included officially

Cheeseandwin5 · 19/11/2019 10:34

You shouldn't be using the Birth Certificate as some sort of tool to punish your DC father.
Whether you think he is is good or not, should not be part of the consideration. This is part of your child's information and will follow them around for the rest of their lives.
You should be thinking of your DC.

MrsBertBibby · 19/11/2019 10:36

Well yes and the father shouldn't be using his baby to weasel money out of her mother.

Or is that OK?

Christ, the witless handmaids on here are quite something.

Darkbendis · 19/11/2019 12:16

Well, book the appointment to register the baby's birth, let him know when it is, if he wants to come and be on the certificate he will be there and his name will be on the certificate, if not, you register the birth and only your name is on it. There is nothing else you can do.

Janus · 19/11/2019 12:16

Cheese but what if he continues to be useless and not see his child and then every time you want to go on holiday you have to seek his permission? You can offer all the contact he wants to be a good father, but protect your child against him dictating what can and can’t be done SURELY???

dementedpixie · 19/11/2019 12:19

Make the appointment. If he doesnt come just register the birth without him. If he isnt there the OP cant put him on the certificate as they arent married.

Branleuse · 19/11/2019 12:21

Dont put him on the birth certificate. Give her your name. Sounds like this one would be a noose around your neck anyway. Hes a loser. If he wants parental responsibility, he can always apply for it later if he can be bothered.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/11/2019 12:24

I wish people would stop talking about "putting dads on the birth certificate".

You don't put men on the birth certificate if you're not married to the. They put themselves on. If they don't attend the appointment and explicitly acknowledge the baby is theirs, in the presence of a registrar, the mother can do nothing to put their name on.

Gawd give me strength.

OP has a responsibility to her baby to get her baby registered. Incidentally, if she does not do it within 42 days of the birth, she may be fined. Dad hasn't turned up to the appointment she booked already.

So pipe down with this nonsense that the OP is using the baby as a weapon if she just bloody gets on with things without him!

Shookethtothecore · 19/11/2019 12:26

I registered useless ex on the birth certificate. He was and is never involved and I regret it. I should of not put him on and he could of added it on later if he showed an interest. He never has

IheartChipShop · 19/11/2019 12:40

If he can’t get his act together to turn up for registration (after he ponced a tenner and didn’t show) then it’s highly unlikely he’s going to be a candidate for “father of the year”!

Make your life easier by using your surname.

Inebriati · 19/11/2019 12:42

I don't see that you will have a choice to go on your own or not, because he has taken £10 from you and has no intention of showing up.

So just go do it. It isn't on you, its on him.

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 12:42

You shouldn't be using the Birth Certificate as some sort of tool to punish your DC father.

Can you explain how you think OP is doing this?

It was the DC father who did not turn up

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 12:43

This is part of your child's information and will follow them around for the rest of their lives.

Information can be given without handing over parental rights.

Starlight456 · 19/11/2019 13:31

Some people really don’t get Pr that is attached to a bc.

A child should know who their father is obviously . My exh ( was married so automatic or ) got Ds registered as I was not well . My Ds hasn’t seen him since he was 3 now 12. It helps him not one bit to know his name is on bc . He has still been a waste of space . My Ds requested we change our surname . We can’t do that without the consent if a man who has had no involvement for nearly a decade

MulticolourMophead · 19/11/2019 14:37

This is part of your child's information and will follow them around for the rest of their lives.

The information can be given separately, it's not like you can only tell a child who their dad is without a BC.

And OP can't put him down if he's not there.

If he is on the BC he WILL have PR, and some men enjoy the control that gives them. Anyone with PR can interfere with any decision you make as a mother, the mother does not have some sort of casting vote by virtue of being mother. The law regards all parents with PR as being equal.

OP, please do register the child alone. Don't have this loser on the BC. This is in the best interest of your child.

RockinHippy · 19/11/2019 15:00

YABVU

Plus it sounds like a knee jerk reaction to his shitty behaviour over a common sense thought out plan & it's one in think you'll live to regret.

Your DD deserves to know who her DF is, whether or not you decide to stay with him

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/11/2019 15:02

Your DD deserves to know who her DF is, whether or not you decide to stay with him.

Do you only know your father's name because he put his name on your birth cert?

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