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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not put father on birth certificate.

112 replies

Singlemotherxoxo · 18/11/2019 21:49

Hi, my baby is 2weeks old and I’ve been meaning to register her name and birth. Me and the father are no longer together. I had a appointment today to register her but the father lives an hour away and told me he has not received money from universal credit and apparently they’ve only given him £5 (doesn’t make sense now to think of it.also have no idea where he’s spending his money as he hasn’t spent a dime on his child. Asked him to buy her nappies and he couldn’t even do that) he then asked me for £10 to travel to which I sent to him. I told him I was going sleep for bit as baby was sleeping and for him to ring the bell when he was her. I woke up to a text from him saying he will be running late... the appointment was in 30mins time and 5mins away from me but a hour from him. I called his phone and he told me he’s on his way back home and had to pop out quick... so what was the £10 for ? I told him we can’t be late so we would have to rearrange. I feel like he’s not taking anything seriously so now considering going to the appointment myself and not putting him on the birth certificate. Am I wrong for this ?

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 19/11/2019 21:40

I would not put him on. It will make life much easier for you later.

BluePheasant · 19/11/2019 21:58

OP almost everyone here is advising you not to put him on the BC. Including a solicitor. For goodness sake take the advice.

This has nothing to do with his "right" to be on the register and everything to do with what is best for your child and yourself as her main carer. If he decides to step up at some point the BC can be changed but put him on now and you're stuck with that decision forever.

She can still know who her father is should she ever want to without it being registered.

Rearrange the appointment and do it on your own.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/11/2019 22:25

Of course he should be on. He’s the father. Fuck sake.

Generations of men (crap men, but nevertheless men!) have disagreed that they have any duty to acknowledge illegitimate children as possible heirs if they don't want to, so it has never been about putting fathers on for the sake of their fatherhood.

If you have a child outside marriage, you. Can't. Have. The. Father. On. The B.C. Unless. He. Is. There. To. Confirm. He. Agrees. To. It.

And in this case, the father borrowed ten pounds off the OP, spent it on weed and messaged her to say he wasn't coming to their appointment to register their child!

The father is the one who has been uncooperative!

TeacupDrama · 19/11/2019 22:32

even if he is named on birth certificate still give baby your surname him being on birth certificate does not mean the baby has to have his surname
so register your baby as John/ jane xoxo
with mothers name as single xoxo and if turns up just put father as jim Smith do not change kids name to John/jane Smith
he might try and say if he is on birth certificate surname needs to be Smith it really doesn't so still with XOXO whatever

Pugsleyaddams · 19/11/2019 22:56

If he turns up of course name him on the BC but give your beautiful baby your surname no matter. If he doesn't turn up he doesn't turn up, you can't put his name on so ignore all the 'he has rights' pp's, he does have a right but if he won't show up you can do nothing more.
Congratulations on your new baby, the last thing you need right now is to deal with a feckless father so what you've done is exactly right, tell him when the appointment is, attend and if he doesn't turn up it's on him. But, and I don't like to shout, GIVE THE BABY YOUR SURNAME EITHER WAY! He cannot insist or force it.

whattodo2019 · 19/11/2019 23:08

Yes I think He should be names on the birth certificate but I think the baby should have your surname not his. For many reason. Children with different surnames
To mothers have problems at airports for example. You often have to have a letter to say you are the mother ...

CustomerCervixDepartment · 19/11/2019 23:34

How are so many people in this day and age so low intellect? males cannot be on a birth certificate unless they are there, in person, at the registrar, if they are not married to the woman they impregnated
If the man wants to have parental responsibility he can apply for it, he has rejected attempts to attend the appointment, including being funded to attend the appointment, ffs, it’s not mindbogglingly difficult to understand.

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 23:38

Yes I think He should be names on the birth certificate but I think the baby should have your surname not his. For many reason. Children with different surnames

To mothers have problems at airports for example. You often have to have a letter to say you are the mother ...

You really think 18 years of parental rights should be given to this dickhead because it will make things easier at the airport Confused

IWantADifferentName · 19/11/2019 23:49

If the man wants to have parental responsibility he can apply for it, he has rejected attempts to attend the appointment, including being funded to attend the appointment, ffs, it’s not mindbogglingly difficult to understand.

CustomerCervixDepartment, I love your name. But apparently it is mind bogglingly difficult to understand for some posters. I think the Mumsnet demographic has changed recently and I have to say I struggle to differentiate between NetHuns, Men’s Apologists, MRAs and TRAs.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 20/11/2019 00:05

DifferentName, YES, it’s awful here now, isn’t it? I can’t bear it much more, I have loved this website for a decade but the dumbing down and poor literacy choices are making it unusable now, all the ‘xxx’, ‘mummee2bubbs’ and general drivel is not what I’m here for.

Shelby2010 · 20/11/2019 00:07
  1. He can legally only be put on the BC as the father if he attends the appointment to register the baby.
  1. If he is put on the BC as the child’s father he automatically has parental authority.
  1. If he has parental authority then he has as much right as the mother to keep the child. The OP could be in the situation where she has to go to court to get her child back. Hopefully this is unlikely, but who’s to say this deadbeat wouldn’t threaten it as a way to get money off the OP? Better benefit claims if the baby lives with him.....
  1. If the OP registers the baby alone, she can still allow the father access, but it’s on her terms. Unless he makes the effort to go to court, which is unlikely.
JamieVardysHavingAParty · 20/11/2019 08:58

CustomerCervixDepartment

It's the standard phrasing at fault of "put him on the birth certificate", that is always used when people discuss birth certs.

It puts all agency and responsibility on the mother, even though it doesn't reflect the legal situation in the least. People honestly don't get how it works, because they've decided how it must work from the almost idiomatic phrasing.

On another forum, an MRA went doo-lally because he thought women could just put any man's name down when they registered the birth, and then chase random men for child support. This is how people genuinely think it works.

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