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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not put father on birth certificate.

112 replies

Singlemotherxoxo · 18/11/2019 21:49

Hi, my baby is 2weeks old and I’ve been meaning to register her name and birth. Me and the father are no longer together. I had a appointment today to register her but the father lives an hour away and told me he has not received money from universal credit and apparently they’ve only given him £5 (doesn’t make sense now to think of it.also have no idea where he’s spending his money as he hasn’t spent a dime on his child. Asked him to buy her nappies and he couldn’t even do that) he then asked me for £10 to travel to which I sent to him. I told him I was going sleep for bit as baby was sleeping and for him to ring the bell when he was her. I woke up to a text from him saying he will be running late... the appointment was in 30mins time and 5mins away from me but a hour from him. I called his phone and he told me he’s on his way back home and had to pop out quick... so what was the £10 for ? I told him we can’t be late so we would have to rearrange. I feel like he’s not taking anything seriously so now considering going to the appointment myself and not putting him on the birth certificate. Am I wrong for this ?

OP posts:

CustomerCervixDepartment · 18/11/2019 23:52

What everyone else said. Stop sending money to the dude, it should be spent on your kid, not that loser. He would have to attend the appointment to have his name on the birth certificate since you aren’t married, if he wants parental responsibility he can add himself, at his own expense. Don’t give him a second thought, just recover from birth and focus on your kid. His time to cry about it was when he was having unprotected sex.

IWantADifferentName · 18/11/2019 23:55

I thought he could be named without having parentel responsability? But perhaps not.

Nope, can’t happen. If you are a married woman, you can register the birth on your own and the assumption is your husband is the father and his name goes on automatically. If you are unmarried, the father needs to be present to register the birth or you could theoretically put anyone’s name down.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 18/11/2019 23:55

Nope, June, women cannot just name some bloke on the birth certificate if they are not married, the impregnator must attend, otherwise there’d be numerous kids with Bill Gates or Richard Branson named as the father. People who choose to be parents have legal responsibilities (not rights) to their offspring.

PumpkinP · 18/11/2019 23:59

Don’t put him on!!! I wish I could go back in time and not put my ex on, I was of the opinion that men should be on their child’s bc unless abusive or whatever but now my ex is fully absent, walked away haven’t seen him in years, his choice yet I will need to ask his permission if I want to go on holiday with my kids?! Seriously don’t put this man on, I wish I didn’t put my childrens dad on.

AtSea1979 · 19/11/2019 00:00

OP you don’t actually have a choice. Your baby needs registering and you can’t drag the father there. Rearrange appointment, don’t send anymore money, text him date and time you’ll be a registry and go. Up to him if he bothers to turn up. Whatever you do, do not give baby his surname.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 19/11/2019 01:40

What a tosser.
asking the woman who is pregnant for money.
Total loser.

Do not put his name on the bc.

bakabakabeyond · 19/11/2019 07:23

I put my abusive ex on certificate and used his surname. I can't stand it. It makes me feel sick that my child is names after him

bakabakabeyond · 19/11/2019 07:24

@mrsbertbibby do you know much about changing surname of 12 month old?

Lak1115 · 19/11/2019 07:25

If he’s not making an effort, go on your own. If he steps up it can be changed at a later date..

Whattodoabout · 19/11/2019 07:25

Go alone, if he wants PR he can take you to court (fat chance he’d bother with this). Give the baby your surname and do not give him any more money, it should be the other way around.

MrsBertBibby · 19/11/2019 07:27

Yes.

8by8 · 19/11/2019 07:35

Definitely don’t put his name on the birth certificate.

If he is named on there he gets parental responsibility. So you’d need his consent to choose her school, take her abroad on holiday, move to a new area, make medical decisions etc etc.

If he’s actually feckless and useless (sounds like it) it will always be a hassle trying to get his consent.

If he wants to step up and be a dad then he can apply to court for parental responsibility, but that would involve him making a bit of effort.

Remember the birth certificate is a legal document. If you let him register as father you are giving him legal rights.

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 19/11/2019 07:36

A man who takes £10 from a new mother who is probably in receipts of benefits is a loser
Please don't wait around for him to register your child's name, get it done on your own and give her your surname
This makes no difference to who she is and who her father will always be

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 19/11/2019 07:40

Go on your own and give the baby your surname. As others have said, if he wants to he can be added to the birth certificate later on. And I speak from experience here: never, ever give this feckless scrounger any more of your money so he can be there for your child in any sense. If he wants to, he’ll find a way to get there.

runoutofideasnow · 19/11/2019 07:42

Don't put him on the birth certificate and definitely don't give the baby his surname. This is not a man that's bothered about being a father to your child. If he is bothered he can prove it.

bakabakabeyond · 19/11/2019 07:44

@mrsbertbibby my son is 12 months old. Dad was abusive. He's taken me to court. CAFCASS have given indirect so far. Likely he will need to go on DAPP. He's not admitting his behaviour so may not be accepted. Lots of evidence to support my statement. I asked initially for both our surnames but he told me how ridiculous that was and to get a grip of myself. Baby has dad's surname. What are the chances of me being able to change (I would be happy with double barrel if I can't change completely) through the courts? Sorry to hijack the thread. I was going to private message but think it's important that people see how shit it is when you are faced with you child having the surname of someone who was useless and abusive. It's heartbreaking.

Greatorb · 19/11/2019 07:45

Yabu to use your child as a weapon against your ex

runoutofideasnow · 19/11/2019 07:46

@Greatorb how on earth is op using her child as a weapon? Don't be ridiculous!
She can't put his name down if he doesn't turn up, that's his responsibility. If he wanted to be a father he'd step up.

firstimemamma · 19/11/2019 07:48

Yanbu. Don't put him on the birth certificate, he doesn't deserve it.

Dutch1e · 19/11/2019 07:53

My father's name is absent from my birth certificate. My mum took me travelling around the world when I was small; it wouldn't have been an option if she had to first obtain permission from a feckless man.

If it helps, my natural curiosity about that side of my family wasn't affected a jot by my birth certificate. My mum's openness and willingness to answer all my questions is what really mattered.

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 07:58

YABU whether he’s a good dad or not, he’s the child’s dad and the child has a right to know their identity.

Yes they do. They also have a right to be protected from a deadbeat parent.

There is no way OP should hand over parental rights here. There is no need.

Petrichor11 · 19/11/2019 08:01

Stop sending this deadbeat money! He should be paying you maintenance not the other way round.

Go on your own to register your baby, don’t have his name on there.

Ponoka7 · 19/11/2019 08:03

@Greatorb, explain how she is using the baby as a weapon?

How long does she have to wait to register her baby, just because the Father can't be bothered to show up?

This holds up the claim for Child Benefit etc. Yet the Father takes money of the Mother of his newborn.

How much care do you think he's providing?

OP if you put him on the BC, he will hold you to ransom.

Don't do, it can be changed later.

Sheldonoscopy · 19/11/2019 08:04

Yanbu. Dc1 has no father named on birth certificate. Dc2 has dad named but my surname. After a while I made the decision to add his name via deed poll which his dad was delighted about. He’s proved himself, and I’m glad I did it how I did. Both dc have my surname, just dc2 also has dads included. Dc1 has not clapped eyes on ‘dad’

SpamChaudFroid · 19/11/2019 08:05

Yabu to use your child as a weapon against your ex

Has a klaxon gone off on one of those feckless absent father forums?

Having your name only on the BC will make life less complicated OP. He's already using her as an excuse to smeagle money out of you.

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