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AIBU?

Family and ‘we’re only buying for the children now’

334 replies

NemophilistRebel · 18/11/2019 17:57

Am I the only one who thinks you skinflint?

Family member who has 3 children which we have always bought for along with the parents decides as soon as we have first baby that now we have children (1) we can buy for children only at Christmas and birthdays.

So that’s years worth of buying for their 3 and them not having an issue, and now they just buy for one.

Is this typical with CF family members ?

OP posts:

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furrytoebean · 20/11/2019 11:20

I agree leigh

I've said this on another thread in the same vein but it's not about being grabby it's about being made to feel included.

I don't have kids and I find Christmas really hard. The emphasis is so much on the children and it can feel like you're a spare part.

I spend hundreds and hundreds of pounds on my nieces and nephews, and I don't see why it's seen as grabby to enjoy getting a gift back. It could be a box of chocolates from the pound shop, I don't care what it is just that I'm part of the festivities too.

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Emeraldshamrock · 20/11/2019 12:10

Christmas is for everyone.
If it is not being reciprocal then pull back and treat yourself. 🎅

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/11/2019 13:05

Feeling rather blessed right now that I am part of a family that love the whole getting together and soending time together because we enjoy it and love each other rather than bitching about who buys what and is it equal. For what its worth we buy for children until they are 21. The year my 2 sisters and I all managed to buy each other exactly the same jumper we decided to stop buying for adults (parents excepted) and have a day out together in early December instead. Parents obviously still buy for their own grown up DCs. We also manage to have a get together on a bixing day evening which can be any number from 10 to 30 depending on who is where. We all bring some food and drink and play daft party games.

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furrytoebean · 20/11/2019 13:13

You do get something for the adults though sweeny you all go out together, that's your gift.

That's what we do too.

If your family turned around and said Christmas is just for the kids you don't need a get together with the adults just the children get presents this year.
You'd probably be a bit miffed.

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/11/2019 13:29

No I wouldn't be miffed because we would still be spending boxing day together having good family time, regardless of if we had a day out instead. And a day out can be very cheap sometimes it shopping and a meal, sometimes its a visit to a N T property, sometimes a cinema. Nowhere near expensive as a present for 1 adult let alone all of them . But it only works because we enjoy time together with no worries about who is a CF and who isnt. We realise we all have different incomes and outgoings and some have more dcs than others but we don't actually give a shit if someone spends £5 per child or £50 per child because we know its what they can afford and we know they have done it because they want to not because they are obligated to do so.

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ActualHornist · 20/11/2019 13:36

YANBU.

I’m the only sib with children so if we did this, my brother and sister have to spend loads more than us on a choice we made. We already do secret Santa between adults, but it’s nice to get a present.

We love each other and spend Christmas together and don’t police spends (although we do all tell mum to stop spending so much....) but Christmas is a time for giving and receiving gifts as well as spending time together and eating until you’re sick.

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dellacucina · 20/11/2019 13:37

Ugh, wouldn't you rather not deal with receiving gifts you probably don't want?

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furrytoebean · 20/11/2019 13:39

A present can be very cheap too. A box of chocolates is way cheaper than a trip to the cinema for lots of adults.

But the point is you all do something together to acknowledge that it's Christmas and include everybody.

I'm also assuming that you have kids, so 'let's just buy for the kids' is fair.

Would you still feel the same if didn't have kids and weren't having a big family get together but were expected to buy presents for all the kids but get nothing in return?

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/11/2019 13:47

@furrytoebean I don't know in all honesty because we have always had a big get together. We have always dropped presents off before xmas so they go under the tree with all the others and we all spend xmas day in our own homes so don't see the kids opening their presents anyway. I would be more upset missing the get together than worried about what I had present wise.

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ginghamtablecloths · 20/11/2019 13:59

The attitude in your OP seems a bit mean but all sort of things have to be taken into account, not least finances.
We got the same attitude with my sister who had three children, all now grown up, one of whom has a child.
We had no children but were expected to buy for her three.
"I expect your sister will get you a little something", was suggested by a friend. Er no, nothing at all. We don't buy things in order to get things in return but we felt used, especially as we never got a thank you, ever. We only get presents for the grandchild now and that'll stop in due course.

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FrenchBoule · 20/11/2019 14:52

@Kazzyhoward it’s similar to these getting full works at the restaurant and insisting on splitting the bill when some had just one dish.

Years ago I caused uproar as I stated that I didn’t want any gifts ( lots of things useless to me) and I’d rather have a book voucher/soapbar instead ( something I like). I was called u grateful because somebody made an effort yada yada...

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furrytoebean · 20/11/2019 15:08

sweeny

I agree the get together is the nicest bit.

I don't have any children and buy for all my nieces which I enjoy doing because I love them and because I don't have kids I'm able to spoil them.

We also all go away as a family before Christmas (when it's cheap) which is the adults gift to each other.

My nieces also buy me something (I have a favourite box of chocolates that they sell in the £1 shop that they get me every year).

We don't get to see each other over Christmas and I miss out on all the listening for reindeer, visiting Santa, hanging up the stockings bit.

I LOVE Christmas but I do always feel sad at this time at not having children so losing the magic.

I really resent being made to feel like I'm grabby for not saying 'oh Christmas is just for the kids let's not bother with the adults this year'

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Buggersticks · 21/11/2019 14:27

We have one, my siblings have 2 and 4 and I'm probably going to sound mean but they only have to fork out for our one, we have to buy for their 6. It's not like our one gets extra, in fact he often gets less spent on him from them. It peeves me, but I don't say anything 😞

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dreichwinter · 21/11/2019 14:31

Logically @Buggersticks the sibling with 2 dc has to buy 5 gifts and the one with 4 has to buy 2?
The one with 4 dc has got off lightly but does have to cover the costs of 4 dc during the year.

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Buggersticks · 21/11/2019 14:44

@dreichwinter yeah I know, but the one with 4 wouldn't buy anything for any of them (even his own) if he could find a way.

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dreichwinter · 21/11/2019 14:58

Ah, @Buggersticks we have one of those in our family!

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Christmascaroll · 22/11/2019 23:44

This is what my family does. And as I'm 16 now I feel like I will be moving into the adult bracket soon. Everybody gets presents from grandparents as they buy for c/cil and GC. And but parents just buy for there own and nephews and nieces.
I'm only here dir the gossip but haven't actually had a child

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Christmascaroll · 04/07/2022 16:35

In my family once they started having kids it went to just really small presents for adults and spend money on own kids and nephews/ nieces.
Such as Lynx for men etc.

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Boxowine · 05/07/2022 02:15

I think it's hilarious that Christmas Carol brought this out of the past. Xmas 2019 when all we had to care about was gifts for kids. We'll be living like mad max by the time Christmas rolls around this year.

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user1477391263 · 05/07/2022 03:33

There's nothing wrong with buying for children only - just a tiny token gift if money is very tight - but it is not fair to change the goalposts when it suits you and your family. If you all agree to only buy for people up to the age of 18, then it stops for each person once they reach 18 and it doesn't stop for any person before they reach 18.

I really, really cannot imagine overthinking things like this. What do you want--some sort of Family Gift-Giving Contract, complete with Term of Agreement dates and signed in each member's blood?

We are facing a cost of living crisis right now, and many of us are fed up of wasting time and energy buying unwanted gifts, receiving unwanted gifts, wasting money, and having our houses filled with clutter.

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phishy · 05/07/2022 03:54

Zombie but in OP’s situation, I would have suggested stopping exchanging gifts with SIL and her family.

Sounds like the kids get plenty of gifts so they won’t miss out but it stops SIL/BIL CFery.

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ShandaLear · 05/07/2022 04:27

We’ve been doing this for years in my family. How much more stuff do you actually need? Just get them a family present - a board game or some books or cinema tickets. They don’t care - they’ll have tonnes of other things as well.

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DuarPorte · 05/07/2022 04:29

ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE

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Sleepyquest · 05/07/2022 04:30

Boxowine · 05/07/2022 02:15

I think it's hilarious that Christmas Carol brought this out of the past. Xmas 2019 when all we had to care about was gifts for kids. We'll be living like mad max by the time Christmas rolls around this year.

This made me chuckle!
Also love how she sort of replied to her own comment from 2.5 years ago 😃

I just wanted to add that isn't always a money thing but a time thing. Buying for loads of kids and adults and wrapping is so bloody time consuming. But like you say, this year we will have to fight over a piece of coal(or tub of lurpak)

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sillydancingwitch · 05/07/2022 04:39

I often only buy for children at Holidays. Christmas is expensive and mama has bills to pay. If you want something go buy it for yourself or ask. Maybe have a adventure instead of presents. Do we really need more stuff???

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