Family and ‘we’re only buying for the children now’

[NemophilistRebel]

Am I the only one who thinks you skinflint?

Family member who has 3 children which we have always bought for along with the parents decides as soon as we have first baby that now we have children (1) we can buy for children only at Christmas and birthdays.

So that’s years worth of buying for their 3 and them not having an issue, and now they just buy for one.

Is this typical with CF family members ?

[Thesispieces]

I don’t care if you buy for our children. I’ve raised them to value family time during this festive season. They want for nothing essential and we are lucky to live well in comparison to many. Remind your children of that. As most of us in the UK will fall into the above category.

[KittenLedWeaning]

There's nothing wrong with buying for children only - just a tiny token gift if money is very tight - but it is not fair to change the goalposts when it suits you and your family. If you all agree to only buy for people up to the age of 18, then it stops for each person once they reach 18 and it doesn't stop for any person before they reach 18.

I don't see the logic of this - it's the adults they're no longer buying for, not the children.

Yes, there is an imbalance because the OP has one child and they have three, but the only way to even that out unless the OP has more children later, is to buy smaller gifts for the three children.

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

This does also raise another question as to what's fair when families have very differing numbers of children, regardless of whether you only buy for children or adults as well.

If you have 1 child and your sibling has 5 children, is it fair for you to spend £10 each on theirs and they spend £50 on yours, to even out what the adults spend, or is that grossly unfair on the children who didn't ask to be one of five siblings?

I wonder if the Radford parents have siblings and, if so, what they think about this

[marshmallowss]

But we stop buying when kids turn 21 as just too much. Therefore it's fair. They choose to have 3, you currently have 1. They will all get gifts for the same amount of time if you choose to only buy for kids.

[Lochroy]

YANBU! When I first graduated, I was proud to be able to get presents for all of my aunts, uncles and cousins (including their OH but sometimes one per couple). Over the last 12 years they've multiplied from minimum ten presents to min 23 if I include their children. Some weren't even reciprocated when it was even before I had DS. Now he's arrived he gets presents instead of me. But how to I get out of buying some of them presents and not others when they're all together on Christmas Day?

[Beautiful3]

Do you mean they're only buying for their children or all children in the family?

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

There's nothing wrong with buying for children only - just a tiny token gift if money is very tight - but it is not fair to change the goalposts when it suits you and your family. If you all agree to only buy for people up to the age of 18, then it stops for each person once they reach 18 and it doesn't stop for any person before they reach 18.

I don't see the logic of this - it's the adults they're no longer buying for, not the children.

Yes, there is an imbalance because the OP has one child and they have three, but the only way to even that out unless the OP has more children later, is to buy smaller gifts for the three children.

But it does mean that, by having their children first, the parents have been receiving presents themselves as well as their children for a number of years, whereas for OP, it effectively means receiving/having received presents EITHER for adults OR children.

A fairer way would have been/be if you adopted a policy of buying presents for adults UNTIL they have a child - and then the presents given to that family now switch from the adults (who stop getting any) to the children (who start getting them). Then, the only sacrifices being made are by parents for their own children's benefit, which, one would assume, most parents would be happy with.

[ReallyLazy]

YABU and sound ridiculous

They have three children to buy for already and extended family. Now another one is coming (and you may have more) and it's getting too much. They're being sensible. You didn't have the cost of children when you bought for them as well. Gift giving shouldn't be about getting what you give.

[YahBasic]

BIL tried to pull this one this year - he’s the only one out of us who has kids

I’m one of three and my aunt only has one, so my mum would spend a lot more on presents for my cousin so it added up to the same amount that my aunt spent on us three.

[Nodancingshoes]

We only buy for children in my family... Sister and sister in law both have 4 children each, I have 2. Doesn't bother me. I do still buy a gift for family who don't have children but buy for my kids but once you have children it's just the kids.

[EleanorReally]

we have never done this, and now all the children are at least 20 years.
so now what?
who do you suggest we buy for?

[Autumntoowet]

I think this is a great idea. We don’t buy presents anymore. Everyone has too much of everything and it is all landfill and expense

[ReallyLazy]

All the chat about "fair"... missing the point of a gift (something for nothing in return)

[LolaSmiles]

I thought only buying for children was fairly standard in families.
We buy for immediate family but for wider family, we only buy for children under 18 and do cards for the adults.

If it's a move to do that then it has to be done at some point. I think you're reading too much into it.

[EleanorReally]

although strangely the children dont buy for their aunts/uncles

bit odd
my limit has always been a fiver, so call me tight

[Chloemol]

It’s simple, just buy them one gift, such as a board game they can share

[alwaysmovingforwards]

OP, sorry to say it but you sound awfully grabby. Have a word with yourself.

[SecondaryBurnzzz]

@Lochroy can you get your parent to speak their siblings? Most adults won't expect a young mum to spend her money on them. Are you on maternity leave? can you email them and let them know you can't afford to buy for everyone now...

In my family adults pull a name out of hat and buy one present for £30 kids get something small from aunts uncles etc, big present from parents.

[Thelaughinggnome123]

I'm sorry I don't get why you're annoyed. They waited until you had a child, so they're not CF'S in my opinion.

[Beautiful3]

Agree with another poster, buy them a game to share.

[Leeds2]

I think it is an excellent idea! And would buy for the DC until they turn 18, or 21. Your baby, and any future children, would presumably receive the same amount of gifts in the end.

[Janus]

I have 4 my brother has 2. I make sure I spend more on his 2 as am aware it’s unfair else. My brother wouldn’t even think about it though. I’m sure they will buy her something nice so I think YABU.

[KittenLedWeaning]

But it does mean that, by having their children first, the parents have been receiving presents themselves as well as their children for a number of years, whereas for OP, it effectively means receiving/having received presents EITHER for adults OR children.

In theory this would balance itself out because the OP's child would continue to receive presents after the others have all turned 18.

The inequality is in numbers of children per family, and that won't be changed by continuing to buy for adults, especially as we don't know whether either family might have more children in the future.

[Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]

Do you mean

1. they will only give a gift for your baby, and you for their 3 (no adults)

OR
2. they are only giving gifts to their three childrenand no-one else

1. seems totally reasonable

2. seems tight, but depends entirely on their financial circs
and both seem like a good idea in general re environment/tat/true meaning of Xmas as in having a good moan about your rellies

[CherryPavlova]

I think you should give presents to those people (child or adult) that you want to buy presents for. It’s a bit tasteless when it turns into bartering and ensuring everyone gets ‘value for money’.