Family and ‘we’re only buying for the children now’

[NemophilistRebel]

Am I the only one who thinks you skinflint?

Family member who has 3 children which we have always bought for along with the parents decides as soon as we have first baby that now we have children (1) we can buy for children only at Christmas and birthdays.

So that’s years worth of buying for their 3 and them not having an issue, and now they just buy for one.

Is this typical with CF family members ?

[scubadive]

I think this only children is crazy, children get more gifts at Xmas then they know what to do with. Why can’t adults have gifts too, they don’t have to be expensive but I think what ever money you have you should share across all family members not just always the children.

[Alittlebitofthat]

Ive one better than that... DH family all kids older now think early 20’s ours still little. It was announced week or so ago that we should all just not do presents anymore as theirs were to old to be buying for. Hold on I’ve bought presents for your kids for over 20 years now but now you’ve decided we shouldn’t do presents, what about my kids??? 1st world problem I know but it doesn’t seem right....

[MutedUser]

@scubadive some children have parents that can’t afford presents so the ones from family are the only presents they will have. Not all children have more presents than they know what to do with .

[Flynn2019]

I have had my first child this year (on maternity leave) and have said to family that we are only buying kids this year. For a few reasons actually, the first being I can't afford to buy the adults but secondly even when I am back at work next year, I don't intend on changing this. Christmas is, for me about children and as adults when u want something u normally go out and buy it, u don't wait until Christmas for someone else to buy u it. I am lucky though in that all the other families only have 1 but next year my BIL will have 2 but I wouldn't moan. It could b the other way around and I could have more kids.

[ToftyAC]

YABU. Personally, I’d be relieved.

[OhMyDarling]

I agree with you. I had no friends with children when I had mine, my friends ceased buying me gifts and occasionally bought the children small gifts (eg selection box).

Now they have had their own, my friends issue me (And everyone else) with a gift list (nothing below £10) for their babies/toddlers and said they hope I don’t forget them as “they are still people not just a mum now”.
I think this is ridiculously deep in CF territory!

[pollymere]

Suggest Family Gift instead so you both buy a present for your respective families to enjoy up to £20-30. I do this with mine and it levels the spending without it feeling unfair.

[OnTheFenceWithMostViews]

We do this with some friends.
( stopped even buying the dcs in family due to GPS going ott and lots being wasted)

Our friends buy for our 3 dcs.. Prob £10 each? They only have 1 dc so insoeand about £30. So no one is out of pocket so to speak..

[caringcarer]

In both my family and dh family the adults buy for nieces and nephews up until they are 18. I did carry on buying for the ones still at uni but others in family did not. We buy for parents in law, my parents are both dead now, but not for brothers and sisters who are adults. I do buy a load of Xmas food for one sister who does not have much money though. It is difficult as I have 13 nephews and nieces on my side of the family but dh only has 3 nieces. If you can't afford to buy gifts you could make gingerbread men which the children in my family used to go mad over.

[CleansUpDragonPoo]

@CockysGirl Tue 19-Nov-19 17:52:34
"YANBU - We have now been told that this year it is buying for children only - i have one DS, SIL's have 5, 3 and 2 kids respectively - costs us a fortune anyway and now we will just get presents for our one DS and nothing for us yet we have to buy 10 presents! I know it's all about the kids and not giving to receive but i know they won't spend anymore on my one DS and yet the ones with 5 kids always send us links on Amazon of what to buy their kids yet never ask what we or DS want! hmm"

Ignore the Amazon links and do a family gift instead, cinema membership or suchlike, and perhaps a small wrapped gift for each child to open eg selection box. Tell the inlaws you're setting an example for the children by saving the planet! If the inlaws don't like it and / or stop buying gifts for your child, so much the better. As so many others have said, we all have so much stuff it's ridiculous.

[Whiteroverbaby]

Christmas is about children and the magic of Christmas, not about money spent on presents for adults or not spent. I have a friend with 3 small children I spend £10 on each, I only have one child and she spends £10 on him.

[scubadive]

@Alittlebitofthat yes I had this too, very close friends with 3 children, older than my 4, we are godparents to each other’s children. I bought for theirs until they were 21, they stopped buying for mine when they were 9-16yrs, no announcement, just stopped buying, not even cards, very hurtful. Then randomly my eldest got an 18 card with money, 4 weeks after my youngest ones birthday who had not even had a card. Very hurtful, they have loads of money so that’s not the issue. I been single for a few years and really struggle with money but still kept buying. It’s hard to explain to your children why they are suddenly not getting presents anymore.

[Bl3ss3dm0m]

@LondonJax, You and your DS must be very illogical people. My DM always spent the same amount of money on my brother and myself. I now do the same thing; same amount of money on each of my 3 children, my children's partners, and my grandchild, this is not only logical, but fair! I feel so sorry for your DM that you think of that as a negative thing. If they had been solely monetary presents, would it have been fair if your DS got, say, £50, and you got £30? Wouldn't you have thought that there was some favoritism going on there?

[franklymydearidontgivea]

We had this in our family, we always bought for children, but as we have no children BIL and SIL bought us a token present ( from sil usually absolute crap, £2 from the supermarket as she did her shop). When the first of hers turned 18, the following Christmas we said we would now only be buying for the other child. SIL response was to no longer send us her crap gift as we weren't buying for one of her children..... made her look like absolute crap as we had a family Christmas with DH's family(except her) it was noticed that DH and I were the only ones not to get a gift from her, she even have BIL a gift....stupid, silly, cow.

[Sceptre86]

I am the eldest of four and the only one with kids yet. My siblings buy for my kids but not me at religious festivals. As soon as they have kids I will do the same. It gets so expensive if you add adults in the mix too and I would rather buy for kids.

[Sceptre86]

We have the same issue with bil and sil. In that they have one kid and us two so my dh thinks we have to spend the same on their son as they do on both of ours. So £20 if they spend £10 each on ours. I think that is silly and we should spend as much as we can afford or want to give. In past years he would spend £30 whereas out kids would get £5 spent on them each. We have since decided to spend £10 on a present for nephew and they usually buy ours a toy each amounting to £15. This leaves us with more to spend on our own kids which we all seem to prefer.

[Lilyflower1]

Where siblings have different numbers of children there is always going to be a disparity of present buying and expense. I do think it's a bit off for the OP's DS to stop the present buying after her children were beneficiaries for years but, heigh ho, that's life. In the future the OP will be quids in. She can spend a bit more on her own child's pressie as she has less outlay on that of her sister's DC.

My DS had three DC and I two but it didn't seem that bad to buy multiple presents when the DH and I were both working. What has hit us harder than differing numbers of offspring is the fact that my DS and her husband have two full time, decently paid jobs while I am retired and the DH was made redundant while expectations on their part were not lowered.

Only after six years has she suggested lowering the kids' pressies to £20 each and the oldest of our joint offspring is 30! The kids are all earning too!

The DH and I haven't been able to buy each other a present for years because of the general expense of Christmas! But, there you go. You sometimes have to pay your dues to the party gods.

[Emeraldshamrock]

My good friend is die her baby after 10 years trying. The baby is due early December.
She said she wasn't buying for nieces nephews after doing so for years.
They agreed to stop buying them all presents.
I hope her siblings remember all the years she gave their DC and spoil her baby for awhile.

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

Can’t believe adults still expect gifts really, just not on my radar

Despite what MN seems to think, Christmas is not just for children. It is for everyone.

The year that I didn't receive anything, because my parents and my siblings decided that it was children only, was awful. It wasn't because I'm grabby and entitled, or as people think on here, childish, it was because I was single, childless and had no one to think of me throughout the year. Then I got to Christmas and my isolation was reinforced when no one thought of me then.

When you're in a couple, even if you don't exchange gifts, you do things for each other or treat each other - when you're on your own there's no one to do that.

[CleansUpDragonPoo]

@Leighhalfpennysthigh Wed 20-Nov-19 09:45:26
"Despite what MN seems to think, Christmas is not just for children. It is for everyone.

The year that I didn't receive anything, because my parents and my siblings decided that it was children only, was awful. It wasn't because I'm grabby and entitled, or as people think on here, childish, it was because I was single, childless and had no one to think of me throughout the year. Then I got to Christmas and my isolation was reinforced when no one thought of me then.

When you're in a couple, even if you don't exchange gifts, you do things for each other or treat each other - when you're on your own there's no one to do that."

I understand your point, it must have been really hurtful, and I hope this year you will feel more included. I think the family should have thought of you, how much effort would it have been to wrap up a Poundshop bath bomb or box of chocs for you?

Our Christmases were not lavish affairs and my mother had many faults, but every Christmas she would wrap a couple of small gifts and leave them under the tree in case anyone turned up unexpectedly or the children - us - brought someone home after being outside playing, just so no one was left out.

Yes, concentrate on the children, makes perfect sense, but make sure everyone else is included in some way. That's the real spirit of Christmas, being made to feel like you're loved and wanted.

[Raindancer411]

Do what I plan to do, ask them to buy for their kids and put your names on it, and you do the same for yours :)

Ours is more to do with how hard it is to make time to hand over presents (they don't live close by)

[Emeraldshamrock]

@Leighhalfpennysthigh 😥🎁
It is very unfair.
My younger Dsis was the last to have her first DC 3 years ago, before that
I got her a thank you gift every year from my the DC.
Same with adult DC. DM only buys for the DGC but always got Dsis a gift, she said it is a €100 per adult DC. If you have DC she'll buy a toy gift from your €100.

[Kazzyhoward]

In theory, it's fine. What I find annoying is when there's an imbalance.

We stopped buying for our siblings years ago. Pointless just swapping presents that we can't afford, don't want, and don't have time to shop for.

But, we've given our niece and nephew presents every birthday, christmas, easter and money for holidays etc., for 18 years each.

Our own son is 10 years younger. They did the same for him. BUT, now niece and nephew are over 18 and we've stopped, they've suddenly decided "it's pointless to swap" and have completely cut our son dead other than a christmas and birthday card. So, we've had 36 years worth (2 times 18), but they've just had 10 (1 times 10).

How is that fair? We had planned to give niece and nephew a sum of money for their 21st, but won't now.

It's always the ones who've already benefitted that suddenly decide "not to swap" when it suits them!

[notnowmaybelater]

Raindancer411 I do that for the sibling who suggested just doing birthday not Christmas and it's better when you don't see your children's aunts and uncles often due to distance, because you actually know what your own kids like / need... However a lot of people enjoy buying gifts themselves so it doesn't always work.

[Emeraldshamrock]

How is that fair? We had planned to give niece and nephew a sum of money for their 21st, but won't now
You're dead right.
Your situation is a perfect example of how unfair it is.