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AIBU not to speak to MIL again

105 replies

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 17:47

Hi, first post on here so might not be perfectly written.

Bit of background my MIL is not a nice person imo, she pushes people out, tried to push me and my partner away from each other by stirring up stories, i'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and she tries to push her own mum out and tells her things like she can't baby sit my baby when she's born and refuses to let her be called great nan. She tells her mum that i say horrible things about her and her mum believes it, i'm constantly being made out to be horrible. When me and my partner moved into our flat she kept turning up unannounced, i asked her to please text before she was to come round and she told everyone in the family i said she wasn't allowed in the flat. My mum kept asking MIL to invite her mum and MIL put it off when i mentioned to her mum she said MIL had told her i didn't want her there. Her whole persona is strange, i do feel sorry for her as she has no friends and barely any social skills but this isn't an excuse to be nasty to people. She loves drama and always tries to cause it.

Yesterday was my baby shower and my mum had spent a lot of time and money preparing it, she only asked MIL to get balloons and some sashes with "mum to be on". Baby shower was 1-4, my mum was going in at 1245 to set up, MIL turns up at 1:20 with the balloons and sashes, walks past me and sits on a table comes up behind me and throws the balloons (not inflated still in the packet) and sashes down on the table behind me. I am very sensitive anyway plus all the pregnancy hormones, so i pick up what she's thrown at me put it on the kitchen side and walk outside clearly upset.

I decide to come back in and enjoy the rest of the baby shower as i had my family there who had travelled over an hour to come. I choose to not speak to MIL as i'm upset and she can get very rowdy and confrontational, she knows what she did with the balloons and sashes but would never admit it. To be honest i am glad everyone seen her do that yesterday as there has been occasions where she has been nasty to me and my partner has just brushed it off and told me it's in my head.

Fast forward to the end of the baby shower she leaves and doesn't say bye to me. I then meet my partner for him to drive me home and he starts shouting at me saying his mum has said i ignored her when she spoke to me, she didn't try and speak to me at all as i didn't hear her and no one else heard her but that was her reason for throwing the stuff at me. I think that is a pathetic excuse, personally if someone doesn't hear me say something i will just repeat myself not start throwing things aggressively but as i explained earlier this is the kind of person she is. As a grown woman you don't behave this way.

I've had multiple run ins with her where she's treated me like this and i'm getting sick and tired of it now. Being heavily pregnant and being treated like this by my partners family is the most exhausting thing ever. i'm always made out to be a bad person, i know in my heart i'm not and even though she behaves this way i always make the effort but AIBU to say now that enough is enough? cut her out of my life? she keeps saying how excited she is to be a Nan but i've been treated horribly my whole pregnancy by her and i can't physically take anymore. Is it harsh to cut her out? Has anyone else been in the same situation as me? Am i being over sensitive?

My partner has put all the blame on me and i don't even know what for. I didn't hear her if she did speak to me and all she needed to do was repeat what she said not throw the decorations at me.

My family is telling me to be the bigger person and let it go over my head, which i normally do but i've really hit breaking point yesterday. I can handle all the other times but at my own baby shower i think it's plain nasty.

OP posts:
Sweetpea55 · 18/11/2019 17:50

I think youv got a dp problem here

PunishmentSnart · 18/11/2019 17:51

She sounds horrendous, as does your partner.

He’s being just as mean as she is if he is shouting at you on your way home from your baby shower - he should know what she’s like.

TheHootiestOwl · 18/11/2019 17:51

Part of your problem is your DP! He doesn’t sound very pleasant.

Pomley · 18/11/2019 17:53

Your partner doesn't sound very understanding, and personally, I think it would be unreasonable to deny her any sort of relationship with her grandchild; I'd be surprised if your partner would be happy with that as well. What needs to happen though is boundaries laid out, and for your partner to stick up for you to her.

PanamaPattie · 18/11/2019 17:54

Cut her out of your life. She won't improve once your baby is here. You need to get your partner to listen and support you, otherwise your relationship will be a constant battle over MIL.

AbbieLexie · 18/11/2019 17:58

Go back to your own family. Stop trying to have any relationship with any of them. 'DP' is telling you loudly you are well down the list.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 18/11/2019 18:00

Surely your DP is aware that she has history for being a stirrer? He's way out of order putting on the blame on you as he wasn't even there by the sound of it.

I'd be cautious about going NC with her. If you cut her out then your DP will be wanting to take the baby to her on his own, and she sounds like the type of MIL who you don't want to leave on her own with your precious baby.

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 18:05

That's the thing my partner says all the time "you know what she's like she's a nightmare" i feel like on his side he should step up and at least have a word with her, especially as she's not just doing it to me. Everyone sees it and no one actually speaks to her about it, i have once before she started shouting in my face. I'm so upset right now having being treated like that at my own baby shower and no support from DP. All i want to do is move away and not let me baby be born and have to put up with her toxic negative behaviour.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 18/11/2019 18:10

I would tell your DP you are leaving and go and stay with your mother and see if he bucks his ideas up and sorts his own bitch of a mother out. If not you should actually leave. If yes, give him another chance.

You won’t stay together long-term if he can’t handle this situation, better to cut losses now.

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 18:13

@crispysausagerolls that's exactly what i'm thinking to do, i think both of them need to realise i won't put up with what they're doing. Hopefully it would encourage him to speak to his mum which is long overdue.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthegamechange · 18/11/2019 18:15

You really need to sort this ow before the baby is born and you have situations that she is controlling holding the baby/feeding the baby etc.

TheWernethWife · 18/11/2019 18:16

Sick and tired of people being told to be the bigger person. That's how abusers get away with bad behaviour, no-one calls them out.
OP, your DP is a spineless twat.

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 18:17

@Sweetpea55 sometimes i wonder if i have, he doesn't seem to be very supportive to me but when i mention it all hell breaks loose and he calls me ungrateful. he works long hours so we can live in the flat as i had to leave my job, i'm quite young which makes things harder sometimes i think i wouldn't cope without him. The baby is due 20th December but i'm getting induced on the 6th December due to the baby being too big, he has already planned to go out the 20th and 21st of December i said to him it was insensitive and a bit out of order, not trying to be controlling but i'm young and will be struggling and i need his support especially when he's home on the weekend but he then makes it out like i'm controlling HmmConfused

OP posts:
Savingshoes · 18/11/2019 18:17

The apron strings seem too tight here.

Time to find a lovely new country with limited internet access and no forwarding address for you and your new little family to move to.

Before the baby gets here and she starts playing you off against your child.

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 18:18

@TheWernethWife how i feel! why should i be nice to her when i'm being treated like this , i know i'm a nice person i don't need to "be the bigger person" to prove that !!

OP posts:
mathsquestions · 18/11/2019 18:19

Yes. You need to put DP on notice that he either backs you or things will get serious.

hopelesssuitcase · 18/11/2019 18:21

Savingshoes you think moving her away from her own mother would be a good idea?

Beveren · 18/11/2019 18:22

If your partner acknowledges his mother is a nightmare, he needs to explain why he believes her on this occasion.

There are a number of red flags around your DP's behaviour, particularly accusations that you are controlling when you simply ask for a little help with a newborn baby. That sounds very like gaslighting you and setting himself up so that he never has to help in any way with his child. If he's not prepared to change his ways you may need to consider sorting out an escape route.

crispysausagerolls · 18/11/2019 18:23

Your MIL will never give a shit about your feelings. She doesn’t care about you - so don’t expect her to. She will also never like you.


She needs to treat you with some fucking respect. Your DH should love you, like you and demand this respect. Otherwise she cannot be around you. If he is unwilling to do that for you then he is not a partner and you will be deeply unhappy every bloody day because it will always be a source of resentment and issue. It will only get worse when the baby is born. Definitely just bounce to your mother.

On a separate topic - are you sure about the induction due to size? DS was induced due to size and he was 9lbs, not the 10lbs predicted and I really wish I had waited a bit longer!

crispysausagerolls · 18/11/2019 18:24

Your DH sounds like a dick from your update

MitziK · 18/11/2019 18:26

Being a single parent from birth is a whole lot less stress. Particularly if you move back to your family prior to the birth and you don't put him on the Birth Certificate.

Childlaw2014 · 18/11/2019 18:27

Op you have a dh issue and god help you when that baby is born.

I'm appalled he shouted at you!! Dreadful behaviour.

Troels · 18/11/2019 18:27

Go home to your Mum lovey, they are all a bit batshit crazy. You don't need this right now.

just5morepeas · 18/11/2019 18:28

I agree with people saying to sort this out now. Once baby is here you could be too exhausted to stand up for yourself and relationships only get harder with a screaming baby involved imo.

Your dp should be standing up for you, especially if he knows what she is like. If he can't stand up for you to her face, he should at least be on your side when it's just the two of you. That's a bare minimum, and he's not doing it.

Ponoka7 · 18/11/2019 18:31

How young are you OP?

That doesn't mean that you will need help. I had my first at 18 and managed BF etc without any issues. My DH worked away from home.

So have more confidence in yourself.

Is going home a possibility?

I think between the pair of them, you're going to have a miserable time with a newborn.

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