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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to speak to MIL again

105 replies

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 17:47

Hi, first post on here so might not be perfectly written.

Bit of background my MIL is not a nice person imo, she pushes people out, tried to push me and my partner away from each other by stirring up stories, i'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and she tries to push her own mum out and tells her things like she can't baby sit my baby when she's born and refuses to let her be called great nan. She tells her mum that i say horrible things about her and her mum believes it, i'm constantly being made out to be horrible. When me and my partner moved into our flat she kept turning up unannounced, i asked her to please text before she was to come round and she told everyone in the family i said she wasn't allowed in the flat. My mum kept asking MIL to invite her mum and MIL put it off when i mentioned to her mum she said MIL had told her i didn't want her there. Her whole persona is strange, i do feel sorry for her as she has no friends and barely any social skills but this isn't an excuse to be nasty to people. She loves drama and always tries to cause it.

Yesterday was my baby shower and my mum had spent a lot of time and money preparing it, she only asked MIL to get balloons and some sashes with "mum to be on". Baby shower was 1-4, my mum was going in at 1245 to set up, MIL turns up at 1:20 with the balloons and sashes, walks past me and sits on a table comes up behind me and throws the balloons (not inflated still in the packet) and sashes down on the table behind me. I am very sensitive anyway plus all the pregnancy hormones, so i pick up what she's thrown at me put it on the kitchen side and walk outside clearly upset.

I decide to come back in and enjoy the rest of the baby shower as i had my family there who had travelled over an hour to come. I choose to not speak to MIL as i'm upset and she can get very rowdy and confrontational, she knows what she did with the balloons and sashes but would never admit it. To be honest i am glad everyone seen her do that yesterday as there has been occasions where she has been nasty to me and my partner has just brushed it off and told me it's in my head.

Fast forward to the end of the baby shower she leaves and doesn't say bye to me. I then meet my partner for him to drive me home and he starts shouting at me saying his mum has said i ignored her when she spoke to me, she didn't try and speak to me at all as i didn't hear her and no one else heard her but that was her reason for throwing the stuff at me. I think that is a pathetic excuse, personally if someone doesn't hear me say something i will just repeat myself not start throwing things aggressively but as i explained earlier this is the kind of person she is. As a grown woman you don't behave this way.

I've had multiple run ins with her where she's treated me like this and i'm getting sick and tired of it now. Being heavily pregnant and being treated like this by my partners family is the most exhausting thing ever. i'm always made out to be a bad person, i know in my heart i'm not and even though she behaves this way i always make the effort but AIBU to say now that enough is enough? cut her out of my life? she keeps saying how excited she is to be a Nan but i've been treated horribly my whole pregnancy by her and i can't physically take anymore. Is it harsh to cut her out? Has anyone else been in the same situation as me? Am i being over sensitive?

My partner has put all the blame on me and i don't even know what for. I didn't hear her if she did speak to me and all she needed to do was repeat what she said not throw the decorations at me.

My family is telling me to be the bigger person and let it go over my head, which i normally do but i've really hit breaking point yesterday. I can handle all the other times but at my own baby shower i think it's plain nasty.

OP posts:
mumofivy · 18/11/2019 18:33

@crispysausagerolls i had a very low BMI before being pregnant borderline underweight, doctors are thinking if the baby is too big i won't be able to deliver naturally. I've struggled with HG really badly so wanting to try have her as soon as safely possible as i cannot take another day throwing up Sad

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 18/11/2019 18:34

Mil sounds unpleasant. But the real problem here is your dp. If he doesn't have your back now, he never will.

Blingismything · 18/11/2019 18:38

Why are you having a baby with him? Toxic family situation

HoomanMoomin · 18/11/2019 18:40

I would be going to my mother’s house and not coming back. This situation will not change.
I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate either.

Beveren · 18/11/2019 18:41

Why are you having a baby with him?

Slightly pointless question at this stage - it's not as if OP currently has a choice.

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 18:46

@Blingismything a bit late now to change my mind, things were going well for a while but now turned bad again, we didn't used to see her as much but now i am pregnant she wants to come to our home everyday which has made things worse

OP posts:
mumofivy · 18/11/2019 18:49

@Ponoka7 i am 19 and i have struggled a lot with bad anxiety, sometimes i feel like i won't be able to cope or maybe because people tell me i won't? i'm not too sure. i could go home only problem is it's a bit crowded i just wanted my own life with my own family and to be happy and now it's all fallen to pieces Sad i have fears of being so young with a baby that i will never find anyone else and will be alone and unhappy or my daughter will resent me for not giving her a family life

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 18/11/2019 18:58

But you won’t have a family life if you are unhappy and bullied, and your daughter will grow up thinking it’s ok to be disrespected.

I hope your partner can change and you can get what you want/need.

MitziK · 18/11/2019 19:20

Just go home. It'll be much better there.

After all, they made the effort to travel for your baby shower, rather than angrily throw a packet of balloons in your general direction, didn't they?

Aveisenim · 18/11/2019 19:28

I was pregnant at 19, had my DC at 20. You can do this on your own. Move back to your mums. Your DP is awful and won't be supporting you much once the baby is here either by the sounds of it and you'll be doing it all on your own anyway. You don't need the second child in the mix (your DP...).

Likethebattle · 18/11/2019 19:33

I would have told him to stop the cat got out and called my mother to collect me. Until there was a apology and action on his part it would be a cold day in hell before I spoke to him again, baby or no baby.

MulticolourMophead · 18/11/2019 19:37

Being a single parent from birth is a whole lot less stress. Particularly if you move back to your family prior to the birth and you don't put him on the Birth Certificate.

Agree. And make sure the baby is registered with your surname not his. It will make your life so much simpler later on.

Abusive behaviour oftens begins in pregnancy, so I'd be very wary that your 'D'P is going to become worse.

Longfacenow · 18/11/2019 19:41

Oh no OP. Your mil needs help and your DP needs some too, being raised by her has obviously warped him too!

Is there any scope for changing how you respond to them?

HUZZAH212 · 18/11/2019 20:01

I was lone parent at your age and it was honestly easier than staying with dickhead ex. Both MIL and DP sound bullying and controlling from what you've said. He has zero right to shout at you even if you had ignored his mum (which you didn't). I'd go to mums for some breathing space to think it all through. Yes, you will cope with baby! Because you're her mum and don't let anyone else tell you different. Definately consider pp advising not to register baby with DPs surname. He's supposed to be offering you emotional support not upsetting you. Oh, and if you do decide to seperate it'll not stop you doing whatever you want. I still went to uni, worked, moved into my own place. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

TheHootiestOwl · 18/11/2019 20:23

Is your DP older than you OP?

He sounds controlling. And why is he planning on going out? He should be supporting you.

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 21:14

Thank you everyone for your advice i will definitely be having the baby's last name as mine

OP posts:
mumofivy · 18/11/2019 21:15

@TheHootiestOwl he is 3 years older then me and he wants to just go out to the pub with his mates, i don't want to be controlling but i want to say no because i don't want to do everything on my own

OP posts:
abitlostandalwayshungry · 18/11/2019 21:36

So if you stay he won't be any help with the baby because he will be out with his mates. You will be alone with a newborn, plus MIL will pop round every day.

If you go home to your mum/family, you will be alone with a newborn plus your nice sounding family will be there to help.

Feels like the better option for sure?

Also you are so young - you have so much time to focus on your wonderful baby now, and meet a loving and supporting partner a little bit later. Allow you family to support you for now. Allow yourself to be in a healthy environment. You deserve love, support and help.

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 21:41

@abitlostandalwayshungry Thank you, yes i have lots of positive support from my family and i feel safe with them and know they will always help me. I know i am young and have a lot of life ahead of me to find someone who will take care of me just everything getting to me right now it's all very fresh

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 18/11/2019 21:57

If you do stay with him, you’ll be controlled by him and mummy for ever more! She’ll say jump, he’ll say how high and you’ll be expected to follow suit. She’ll push her beak to not every aspect of your baby’s life. You be seen it happen. My sister and her P have been arguing for 18 years about his mother.

PinkiOcelot · 18/11/2019 21:58

Push her beak in to every aspect
I’ve seen it happen

TowelNumber42 · 18/11/2019 22:01

He is a dick. Get rid. Go back to your family.

Foslady · 18/11/2019 22:02

You worry your dd will be upset you didn’t give her a family life - flip this in its head, she could be as upset that you stayed with a man who made all your lives miserable......and have a happy beginning to life with you and your family......?

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 18/11/2019 22:04

Your partner WAS NOT THERE. So he has chosen to believe her without asking you what happened. This says more about him than anything.

Cherrysoup · 18/11/2019 22:05

Go and live with your mum, OP. Your dp is a twat and his mother will try to control you and take over your baby.

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