AIBU not to speak to MIL again

[mumofivy]

Hi, first post on here so might not be perfectly written.

Bit of background my MIL is not a nice person imo, she pushes people out, tried to push me and my partner away from each other by stirring up stories, i'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and she tries to push her own mum out and tells her things like she can't baby sit my baby when she's born and refuses to let her be called great nan. She tells her mum that i say horrible things about her and her mum believes it, i'm constantly being made out to be horrible. When me and my partner moved into our flat she kept turning up unannounced, i asked her to please text before she was to come round and she told everyone in the family i said she wasn't allowed in the flat. My mum kept asking MIL to invite her mum and MIL put it off when i mentioned to her mum she said MIL had told her i didn't want her there. Her whole persona is strange, i do feel sorry for her as she has no friends and barely any social skills but this isn't an excuse to be nasty to people. She loves drama and always tries to cause it.

Yesterday was my baby shower and my mum had spent a lot of time and money preparing it, she only asked MIL to get balloons and some sashes with "mum to be on". Baby shower was 1-4, my mum was going in at 1245 to set up, MIL turns up at 1:20 with the balloons and sashes, walks past me and sits on a table comes up behind me and throws the balloons (not inflated still in the packet) and sashes down on the table behind me. I am very sensitive anyway plus all the pregnancy hormones, so i pick up what she's thrown at me put it on the kitchen side and walk outside clearly upset.

I decide to come back in and enjoy the rest of the baby shower as i had my family there who had travelled over an hour to come. I choose to not speak to MIL as i'm upset and she can get very rowdy and confrontational, she knows what she did with the balloons and sashes but would never admit it. To be honest i am glad everyone seen her do that yesterday as there has been occasions where she has been nasty to me and my partner has just brushed it off and told me it's in my head.

Fast forward to the end of the baby shower she leaves and doesn't say bye to me. I then meet my partner for him to drive me home and he starts shouting at me saying his mum has said i ignored her when she spoke to me, she didn't try and speak to me at all as i didn't hear her and no one else heard her but that was her reason for throwing the stuff at me. I think that is a pathetic excuse, personally if someone doesn't hear me say something i will just repeat myself not start throwing things aggressively but as i explained earlier this is the kind of person she is. As a grown woman you don't behave this way.

I've had multiple run ins with her where she's treated me like this and i'm getting sick and tired of it now. Being heavily pregnant and being treated like this by my partners family is the most exhausting thing ever. i'm always made out to be a bad person, i know in my heart i'm not and even though she behaves this way i always make the effort but AIBU to say now that enough is enough? cut her out of my life? she keeps saying how excited she is to be a Nan but i've been treated horribly my whole pregnancy by her and i can't physically take anymore. Is it harsh to cut her out? Has anyone else been in the same situation as me? Am i being over sensitive?

My partner has put all the blame on me and i don't even know what for. I didn't hear her if she did speak to me and all she needed to do was repeat what she said not throw the decorations at me.

My family is telling me to be the bigger person and let it go over my head, which i normally do but i've really hit breaking point yesterday. I can handle all the other times but at my own baby shower i think it's plain nasty.

I would ignore her from now on. What's your relationship like with the rest of his family? Could you form relationships with your DPs nan or other family members? Show them that you are not the horrible one here.

MIL is a pusher, she likes to push people out. She wants it to be her my DP and my DD in her life and that's it.

She makes comments like "my grandchild is my world now i don't care about my children" she still has a son who's 14. She tries to push me out of her sons life for example at christmas she said how she doesn't like him having christmas dinner anywhere else when we take turns each year between family's, she told me on my partners birthday i couldn't go out with him for the day as she wants to be with him and it's unfair on her because she's "known him longer". She's now trying to push her own mother out by telling her lies that me and my DP have said stuff like she can't see the baby, we actually caught her out once saying things as she didn't know we were in the house. When she was caught out though she just cried and said we misunderstood what she was saying and she'd never be horrible to anyone. I don't see how you can be misunderstood when we heard her say "no one likes you mum and they don't want you involved with the baby they're only nice to you so you buy them things"...

DP has even admitted himself she is a nightmare but he doesn't want to cut her out of his life which i understand it's his mum but i'm just thinking why should i put up with it, things wouldn't be so bad if he stuck up for me but he doesn't and doesn't seem to want to either. I don't want my DD to watch us constantly argue about his mum it's not a nice world to grow up in.

MIL doesn't even like her mother, all she does is bad mouth her and treat her like crap but is happy to claim benefits for caring for her 35 hours a week when she doesn't!

I feel sorry for her that's the reason i've been giving her all these chances as she has no friends at all she never goes out anywhere unless it's to do the weekly shop, or only recently in the last month to go to work, she's never been on holiday the furthest she's been from where we live is 30 miles down the road. She got with DPs Dad when she was 14 and he was 19, he's the only life she's known other than her own family, and she does everything for him, he walks all over her expects her to do the washing up, cleaning, washing clothes and if she leaves one bit of washing up he will start verbally abusing her calling her all the names under the sun. Because this is her life she makes comments to me saying i shouldn't let DP do washing up as it's "my job" . They have a very toxic relationship which DP does admit to, they scream and shout at the top of their lungs at each other and throw stuff around the kitchen at each other it's all very strange, my parents never argued in front of me and my sister and never like that so for me to witness that was a massive shock.

She's had not worked a day in her life and has only recently in the last month got her first ever job just a few hours a day but she's even struggling there because she has no social skills, nothing to talk about so she just causes drama there by the sounds of it. I do feel sorry for her and feel like i should give her another chance and "be the better person" but at my own baby shower trying to ruin it i wonder why i should

@REignbow thank you for your advice, glad to hear it worked out for your DSis

@Heartburn888 thank you for your advice. I think everyone knows what she says about me isn't the truth or at least is a bit twisted which puts my mind at ease. That's all i want her to do is change her ways even if it's just to me, be nice to me for an hour a week that's all i ask for

@RebootYourEngine i get on well with the rest of his family especially his Dads side, they don't like her at all as she caused drama between them a few years ago and banned them from speaking to DPs Dad. Dps nan is lovely she is so kind and can't believe she raised MIL, she says she has changed a lot since being with DPs father though so maybe that was when she turned like this? not sure. Dps nan has bought us most of the items for the baby and knitted us lots of cardigans for her.

She wants to be called Great Nan when the baby is here and MIL has said if she's called Great Nan she won't speak to us again. She said we have to make sure she is called Grandma and she is the only one to be allowed to be called Nan... thing is DPs Nan is the Great Nan? I don't understand anyway.

She asked DP to make sure she wasn't called Great Nan however one day came round to me crying saying how my DP had been aggressive and sworn at her when she asked him to make sure this happened. DP says he never swore at her just said it's up to him what people will be called as he wants everyone to be happy.

I think the whole situation was irrelevant anyway the baby isn't here yet and she can't even speak so she won't be calling anyone anything for a long while !!

Most people know i'm not the issue and just to ignore what she says it still just makes me feel rubbish knowing she's going around slating me and spreading lies. When she starts going on one about someone most people just say "oh that's such a shame" and leave it at that. That doesn't satisfy her so she will keep escalating the story until you agree with her and join in.

You are 19. What on earth possessed you to think it was a good idea to get pg and bring a baby into this shit show? Your op sounds immature and not committed to you or baby.

His mil would have put me off a long time ago. She will never change so you’re in for a lifetime of aggro from her.

And you sound like you’re focusing far too much on all her drama, not on making sure you have a secure home for yourself and your baby where you can support her financially and be safe.

That’s what I’d focus on now.

You can’t change her. You can wish for it all you like, but it’s a waste of time. All you can change is how you react to her.

Ignore her. Sit down with op and give him an ultimatum. Tell him you need him to man up and support you. He may need counselling to get over his relationship with his mum but it doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to benefit from it.

Then before you get into another relationship, do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your standards and don’t put up with this kind of crappy behaviour from your next partner.

@mumofivy

But she’s not goi to be nice to you or change her ways. She’s got some kind of jealousy issue with you wether that be because you are starting a family with her baby boy and she feels pushed out so she’s trying to turn the family against you - who knows. But she will never admit it or admit she has treated you unfairly.

To save your own sanity and to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy I’d just cut her off and ban her from the house, tell your dp your fed up with it and don’t need the stress. I’m 38 weeks gone and I’m easily orated at the min and can’t imagine how you feel having to put up with that nonsense day in day out. I’m surprised you’ve kept your cool!

Maybe a couple of weeks ‘banned’ might give her the kick up the arse she needs to re-evaluate her behaviour.

I'm afraid you really need to wake up and grow up fast. Your future MIL is NOT ever going to change. Your dick of a bf is ALWAYS going to take his mums side because it's easier. You are always going to be pushed around because you are never going to be able to compete in awfulness.

Leave today. Forever. He's had enough chances. Ffs stand up for yourself.

Jesus - the more you update the more unghinged she sounds.
The life you explained your partners parents have will become your life if you stay. He is already trying to control and condition you.

Go if you can stay with your family for a bit before sorting your own space out again in teh future......you need less stress at this time...

You do not have to see her at all ... remember that .....she is nothing to you.....
if dp wants to see baby then he can do surpervised vists at yours whilst she's little -especially if you can BF ...I would get something arranged formally or via mediation later down the line - he can then manage MIL access..

you need to look after yourself and baby now - thats all ...

Go back to your Mum's. Your DP sounds horrible and spineless. You have no obligation to ever speak to mil again, she doesn't deserve it. I'd honestly ignore her as if she doesn't exist after all her abusive crap. If she wants to see your child, DP can facilitate it.

OP,
Your parents sound like they did their best with you.
They must be so worried that you have got involved with this awful family.

It really is a shit show that you are bringing your baby into.

You are committing yourself to a life of grief, drama and ugliness.

Please, you are so young. Extract yourself and try and make better choices for yourself.
They will have a huge impact on the life of your child.

Pack your bags and go home.

This awful woman and her son are going to give you a dogs life.

This is only going to get worse.
Do not put his name on the birth cert.
Go home and listen to your parents, whom hopefully will give you support and advice.

💐

OP, my first MIL was like this. My then husband also knew she was an absolute nightmare. I used to tell him off for how he spoke to her on the phone, and I didn’t want to see that he would do the same to me.
I was constantly on eggshells, because everytime she kicked off with me, I knew he would shout at me too.

I realised in the end that his life was easier when he met me and MIL directed all the crap at me. He got to play the poor guy stuck in the middle, while all her drama landed on me.

Go to your mum’s, before the baby is born, because it won’t get any better. He knows what she’s like and won’t help you. Your family will probably be relieved you’re out of it. You need support from people who care about you, not being stuck in their games. Good luck.

@mumofivy

Your DP and his mother are violent to each other! He verbally abuses her when she doesn’t do chores...

You are right that they are toxic and do you want to bring a child into this dysfunction? If he hits and throws things at his mother, what’s stopping him being physical with you?

Please, do your DC a favour, go home and don’t look back.

He is showing you who he is.

If you were my daughter, l would be really worried for you.

I really feel for you in this scenario. Ive had a similar situation myself with my boyfriends step mam. She hasnt been as obviously mean as your MIL has mind. My step mother in law is very clever/calculated and will make snide remarks towards me when ever my partner and his dad leave the room so they are never aware of it and have no idea how she treats me. Luckily for me, im a stubbourn little shit who wont be bullied, so i give as good as i get, and ive made my partner aware of alll the snide remarks and nasty comments shes made towards me. I think in your situation, you ste eithin your right to cut her out. I agree with everyone else saying it could get worse when baby comes. You dont need to stop her seeing baby, but what you do need to do is make sure its all on your terms when and how she has a relationship with baby. You can stand up for yourself and if you feel this woman is toxic (which she sounds) then of course keep her massively at arms length. Your partner may not like it, but he needs to realise that you come first now, not mother, and your choices are important. MIL has burned her bridges. Sounds like shes gone all her life behaving this way and never been pulled up on it.

Do not let this ruin your time during pregnancy or becoming a mammy. YOU are strong and need to get in the zone of mamabear and take no shit. You have big important things happening very soon and MIL will not dictate anymore!

Im 16 weeks pregnant and currently battlinng the same issue with my partners in laws. I have no reservations in telling them how it will be, and if they dont like it, quite frankly they can do one! I was treat awfully by his family from the onset for no reason at all. I soon realised the problem lies eith them as they’re very judgmental, narrow minded old fashioned people and for that reason we simply dont agree or get on. Its not my job to try anymore. Ive told my botfriend they can see baby of course, but as and when it suits us, and i for one choose not to have a relationship with them because they’re generally not nice people. But for the sake of my baby and my boyfriend, il be civil. Sometimes thats all thats needed. But dont every feel bullied or cornered by anyone - you’re becoming a mammy now and need to toughen up. You’ll find that confidence as a new mam once baby is born and you’ll realise lifes too short to have shitty people on you and your babies life. Your partner needs to wake up and smell the coffee and tell his mother to bloody grow up! I hope this helps, although im aware im very ruthless in my methods sometimes which doesnt suit anyone. You’ve got this! Xxx

Your DP and his DM are certainly trying to call all the shots and control every tiny aspect of your DD's life, aren't they? In reality, they have no say, as he hasn't married you. If you don't put him down as the father on DD's birth certificate, he'd have to go to court and get DNA testing ordered to even see her! I don't think either of them has a clue how little control they have over the situation. Make sure you know, though.

Good luck!

@REignbow whoops did i put DP!! i meant to put Dps Dad, MIL husband he treated her like this and they been together since she was 14 so that's always been her life that's why i feel for her sometimes and give her lots of chances.

My parents are worried i think which makes things worse for me, as harsh as it sounds i wish i'd been wiser in the past and not let it get to this point with now a baby thrown into the mix, but you can only learn from your mistakes i guess.

I feel a lot of pressure now, i feel like i've let my parents down by having a baby so young and with the wrong person clearly and my mum spent all the time planning baby shower, got horrible comments off MIL saying she's left out so my mums tried to include her and MIL has come in and done this. My poor mum must be thinking why should i make all this effort as well.

@Niki93 sorry to hear you have had to put up with this kind of behaviour as well. It's hard enough on a normal day but even worse when you are pregnant. I'm glad you stick up for yourself. I would like her to be involved with the baby and just be normal but all i can see for a future is her bringing my little girl into things and twisting things about me.

She makes comments as well that don't help like i wouldn't cope without my partner and makes me think i won't. i've told my partner i can't do it much longer and i want to live away from him with the baby, he has finally seen the light and agreed with me of the way she is and how's she's out of order. He's said he will speak to her but i know that will end with her shouting at him and calling me every name under the sun and so does he and he said if she does start doing that he will walk away now and won't look back.

She can paint us out to be bad people all the wants because if my partner does walk away she will post all over facebook saying how she's been cut out of her grandchild's life and how horrible we are that's the kind of thing she loves to do. We are strong enough to know that we aren't horrible people and won't rise to it if she does do that. He's said after he speaks to her she gets one more chance, she needs to change and if doesn't then he will tell her that he will walk away.

I think i will still have some time away from my partner though as i am still upset and want him to realise i'm not just gonna stay, there's things he needs to change before being a dad.

Fucking hell.

Your “D”P is a spineless mummy’s boy, as well as being a selfish twat. He will not change.

Please go back to your mum’s and be a single mum. It will be far better than being abused by these cretins.

Your baby will need the peace and love too, rather than the confusion of witnessing you being constantly disrespected.

@mumofivy

He is telling you what you want to hear. However, actions speak louder than words. His actions have been so far to shout at you and to believe any nonsense she tells him

PP have advised you to leave, your family are worried and even you know deep down this is not right (as you question if you are right or not).

@mumofivy its an awful situation for anyone to be in. Ive vowed that when my baby comes that i’ll never be that awful MiL and i’ll know when to step back because ive been through that awful tug of war relationship my self. At the end of the day your partner is always going to feel conflicted as it is his mother, that being said, it doesnt mean he shouldnt stick up for you and challenge her when shes wrong. She sounds like a woman sconed and a nasty peice of work with alot of bitterness in her life. More fool her though, your having a baby with her son whether she likes it or not, and she is no longer her sons ‘favourite woman’ as you and his baby girl will be the centre of his world very soon and it sounds like shes very jealous of that.

Have some time to yourself, and try your very hardest to completely ignore her for now. If she makes any contact just politely say you’re upset with the trouble shes caused at the baby shower and would like abit space. Yes, she’ll see red, but the sooner you keep putting those boundaries in, the better. I know you’re worried for her manipulating your daughter as she grows up which is a scary thing, but you can monitor that. Everytime she sees the baby make sure you or your partner are there and that she isnt left alone with her. Again make sure her time with your baby is when it suits YOU not her, and she will just have to start getting used to that. Dont give in and keep your backbone in all of this, its takes some perseverance but if you do remain the bigger person (even tho you secretly dispose the woman) then you’re being the best role model for your child and then your husband cant complain either way. If you remain this way MiL will HATE IT and show her true colours and nasty side even more to the point her own son will end up telling her enough is enough. Kill them with kindness some say, but in a clever way. Again, put it in a box for now and enjoy your last moments pregnant before becoming mammy xxx

@REignbow yes i think you are right. actions definitely do speak louder then words and he just says what he think i want to hear. Think it's gone past the point of getting better which is what i was hoping for, i will have to stay strong for my baby and be grateful for what i do have which is the support of my family. thank you for your advice

@Niki93 yes it's clear she is very jealous by the comments she makes and her behaviour. I feel like i just need a break and some breathing space, i'm so close to the end, i'm still being sick 3-4 times a day and that's wearing me down as it is let alone all this to deal with. I would never stop the babies dad from seeing her if he actually steps up though as all it seems he wants to do is go out with his mates still. Thank you for your advice

The mother-in-law is very immature and dysfunctional, I think you need to have very strong boundaries, treat her like an irritating child who is not your problem