AIBU not to speak to MIL again

[mumofivy]

Hi, first post on here so might not be perfectly written.

Bit of background my MIL is not a nice person imo, she pushes people out, tried to push me and my partner away from each other by stirring up stories, i'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and she tries to push her own mum out and tells her things like she can't baby sit my baby when she's born and refuses to let her be called great nan. She tells her mum that i say horrible things about her and her mum believes it, i'm constantly being made out to be horrible. When me and my partner moved into our flat she kept turning up unannounced, i asked her to please text before she was to come round and she told everyone in the family i said she wasn't allowed in the flat. My mum kept asking MIL to invite her mum and MIL put it off when i mentioned to her mum she said MIL had told her i didn't want her there. Her whole persona is strange, i do feel sorry for her as she has no friends and barely any social skills but this isn't an excuse to be nasty to people. She loves drama and always tries to cause it.

Yesterday was my baby shower and my mum had spent a lot of time and money preparing it, she only asked MIL to get balloons and some sashes with "mum to be on". Baby shower was 1-4, my mum was going in at 1245 to set up, MIL turns up at 1:20 with the balloons and sashes, walks past me and sits on a table comes up behind me and throws the balloons (not inflated still in the packet) and sashes down on the table behind me. I am very sensitive anyway plus all the pregnancy hormones, so i pick up what she's thrown at me put it on the kitchen side and walk outside clearly upset.

I decide to come back in and enjoy the rest of the baby shower as i had my family there who had travelled over an hour to come. I choose to not speak to MIL as i'm upset and she can get very rowdy and confrontational, she knows what she did with the balloons and sashes but would never admit it. To be honest i am glad everyone seen her do that yesterday as there has been occasions where she has been nasty to me and my partner has just brushed it off and told me it's in my head.

Fast forward to the end of the baby shower she leaves and doesn't say bye to me. I then meet my partner for him to drive me home and he starts shouting at me saying his mum has said i ignored her when she spoke to me, she didn't try and speak to me at all as i didn't hear her and no one else heard her but that was her reason for throwing the stuff at me. I think that is a pathetic excuse, personally if someone doesn't hear me say something i will just repeat myself not start throwing things aggressively but as i explained earlier this is the kind of person she is. As a grown woman you don't behave this way.

I've had multiple run ins with her where she's treated me like this and i'm getting sick and tired of it now. Being heavily pregnant and being treated like this by my partners family is the most exhausting thing ever. i'm always made out to be a bad person, i know in my heart i'm not and even though she behaves this way i always make the effort but AIBU to say now that enough is enough? cut her out of my life? she keeps saying how excited she is to be a Nan but i've been treated horribly my whole pregnancy by her and i can't physically take anymore. Is it harsh to cut her out? Has anyone else been in the same situation as me? Am i being over sensitive?

My partner has put all the blame on me and i don't even know what for. I didn't hear her if she did speak to me and all she needed to do was repeat what she said not throw the decorations at me.

My family is telling me to be the bigger person and let it go over my head, which i normally do but i've really hit breaking point yesterday. I can handle all the other times but at my own baby shower i think it's plain nasty.

You deserve better OP and you don't have to waste years of your life being treated like this just because you are pregnant. Your baby will be a lot happier with a Mum that is respected and loved by immediate family than in a relationship where she is treated badly. Maybe talk to your Mum or another family member and get them to come help you pack and get out of there? It'll be easier with support there to help if he kicks off.

OP,

You need kindness and support, both of which are not available to you with this horrible father of your child and his awful mother.

Listen to the poster's who suggest that you go home to your mother and protect yourself.

You need protecting from them.

Your partner sounds like his mother. Awful.

💐

Your DP may struggle with the demands of a new baby, he doesn't sound like a supportive partner at all.
Seriously I would go home to your family, the people who truly care for you.

I'm concerned about your comment regarding one day finding someone to take care of you...OP you can take care of yourself and your child you dont need a man for this. Enjoy your baby but free yourself from that toxic family.

Was this baby planned, OP? Your DP seems less committed to your little future family unit than an expectant father should be, ideally.

I expect his DM's family all know what she's like and have a pretty good idea that the things she says about you aren't true, but they're used to her and you're not. Everyone will be reluctant to stand up to her for fear of the consequences.

If your DP doesn't detach and start a new team with you and your DD, you could be in for a lifetime of conflict. You're going to need to be really calm and strong.

Sorry but I can't actually see tat she really did anything. Your mother asked her to get stuff, it's your mums choice to spend the money and throw the party, imo baby showers are not a thing and people should pay for them themselves if they want one, maybe mil was fed up at being expected to purchase items, she threw/put them down on a table behind you, and sat down, you said you was angry and ignored her, she then said you ignored her, which you did.
All the other stuff is unrelated to this situation.

I would go back to your mum’s if you can, for a while. Your partner needs to deal with this. There’s too much angst here for you to deal with right now.

You deserve better OP and you don't have to waste years of your life being treated like this just because you are pregnant. Your baby will be a lot happier with a Mum that is respected and loved by immediate family than in a relationship where she is treated badly. Maybe talk to your Mum or another family member and get them to come help you pack and get out of there? It'll be easier with support there to help if he kicks off

Sound advice

You had a baby shower and you get yelled at by your partner because his mother is a bitch?
Start a domino effect love.
Drop him and down the MIL goes as well.
Problem solved.
This is his problem. Not yours.
You do NOT have to be dependent on him. You are young. Stand up for yourself and baby.

Your MIL,sounds like a very unpleasant and quite nasty person, and your partner is not supporting you at all, and sounds quite immature.

I hope that your partner will change a lot,once you have your baby. But your MIL,sounds horrible,and probably won't change her nasty ways.so you will have to try and stay strong,and tell her to bog off,or be nicer to people.. You will be an important new Mum,and that is special.!

@HiJenny35 funny how you're the only one to say she did nothing. she started saying how she is pushed out of everything so my mum tried to include her in the baby shower the balloons and sashes cost no more than £10 so don't see how anyone can be annoyed about it? she said i ignored her and she came up and spoke to me to my partner however no one else in that room or people sat directly next to me saw her speak to me? i didn't ignore her as she never spoke to me if she did everyone else would of heard her. the other comments about her aren't unrelated to the situation because it's proving how much of a pot stirrer she is. she makes things up so my partner will have a go at me so she can cause drama. i never ignored her i am a nice person and have been brought up to always be polite no matter who the person is but unfortunately when you are constantly treated like this you eventually have enough.

@HiJenny35 also she didn't put them down on a table behind me she slammed them down on the table i was sat on most of the stuff fell to the ground she threw it that aggressively, she did it for a reaction from me

@Shooturlocalmethdealer thank you i will start standing up for myself

@1forAll74 i want to tell her to just be nice and what she did upset me but she's such a lover of drama she would just start shouting or if no one else was there she would twist what i said, really was hoping my partner would be supportive and step up and tell her it's not ok but i think deep down he is scared of her reactions too. not a world i think i can live in

@NearlyGranny the baby wasn't planned and i asked my partner what to do we came to a decision together. He has a career already as a fully qualified electrician and earns a lot of money i however don't have a career and was nervous about this but i know i have a lot of time ahead of me. He seems uninterested in the baby sometimes he's touched my belly a handful of times to feel her kick other than that he pays no attention.

I just wish everyone would say something to her or just stop talking to her when she's nasty as then maybe she will realise, i think as she gets older more people won't be around her and she will realise then.

i know i would only have to see her once a week if that's what i wanted but after the baby shower i don't want to see her again. my partner has said don't see her again but she has to be able to see the baby but that could be worse as the baby gets older she will probably start saying nasty things to her about me and will stress me out more, i need to move back with my mum and make my partner realise he needs to support me.

@billy1966 thank you for your advice

Yes, your MIL comes across as very dramatic and difficult with a long history of unpredictable behaviour from what you have written about her. But just because you claim not to have heard her speak to you at the baby shower doesn't mean she didn't? Are you 100% telling us the whole truth here? There's a part of me that doubts it. I think the whole family dynamic (including you maybe) is based on people who don't like each other very much and who can't wait for an opportunity to flounce/strop/ cry/shout/create drama. What a world to bring a baby into!

In most instances a man has to decide early on whether he is on his wife’s or his mother’s side. Those who choose Mum need to stay with her and not be married. Objectivity is almost impossible in the DIL/MIL situation as, even with the nicest women, it is a power play situation.

I grew to admire my MIL but she was a difficult woman and definitely thought (and said) I was not good enough for her DS. Luckily, he thought otherwise and supported me to the extent she got the message she couldn’t disunite us.

Yeah, don't let him take DD to see anyone without you! You need to supervise what is said and done around your baby. Don't let them cut you out of your baby's life.

Start as you mean to go on.

She doesn't have to see the baby, by the way. She has no automatic right to any contact. Later she would have to claim a relationship had developed, which she could do if baby had been taken regularly. She could even try to gain residency, but not if you are always there on visits.

Basically, you have a lot of power here, so use it wisely and fairly. If she wants to see baby, she has to be nice to you and keep everything sweet. If he wants to take baby away from you to visit her DGM, he has to make you feel happy and comfortable with that.

Have you thought about whose surname baby will take and whether his name will go on the birth certificate? These choices are yours and if he wants his views to be respected, I'd say he needs to step up and show some real interest in a d commitment to the baby and work hard to build a better relationship between you and him and you and his mother!

@Nextphonewontbesamsung

she's said to my partner about it so i asked him what she said i ignored he said that she said she came up beside me and said "hello darling you alright" she didn't do that as if she did i would of happily spoke to her, when she came in i was mid conversation with my friend, i saw her come in out of the corner of my eye but didn't make direct eye contact as like i said i was talking to someone else, i would of waited till the conversation was over and went and spoke to her if she didn't do the thing with the decorations. i was looking straight ahead at my friend and she came in the side through a door.

she did it for a reaction from me and then ran straight away to text my partner saying i ignored her and how horrible i am, yes admittedly after she done that to me i did ignore her but when i say ignore her i just didn't make the effort to speak to her , i thanked her for coming and for the present but i didn't sit with her or engage in any other conversation. That is because if i then went to speak to her about something else she would of shouted as that's what she likes to do. everyone else in the room saw what she did as she likes to make quite a scene, my family aren't like that we don't have drama however whether or not i knew my partner or his family they would always have drama.

i'm glad everyone else seen it and tbh i don't need to explain myself to anyone on here or my partner as i know what i did, everyone in the room knows what i did, people sat with me know she didn't come up to me.

my sister still sat with her the whole baby shower though and everyone else made the effort to talk to her.

it's only her that likes to cause the drama and treat people horribly, everyone still makes an effort with her though because she will sit and cry saying she's misunderstood.

If i'm entirely honest i think the reason she did that was for a reaction from me she thought no one else would see it and then i would look bad for reacting, but then because people did see it as the whole room went quiet she thought brilliant now everyone will ignore me and not speak to me and i can tell my son that everyone ignored me and her family didn't make any effort. When that wasn't the case like i said my family don't do drama so just spoke to her as normal. Everyone else on this post bar you and one other person can see what she did was wrong and everyone in that room saw what she did and said it was aggressive.

Yes it's a shame a baby will have to come to all this but that's the point of my post asking if i should cut her out which majority of people have said yes it won't get better. She's too toxic to be around a baby but my family are not. I will move back with my family and raise the baby their where she will be loved and drama free.

@Lilyflower1 he's definitely on her side but i think it's out of fear of her reaction. she babies him a lot when we moved out she was in floods of tears, posting on facebook how heart broken she was,we live about a 3 minute drive from her house...

I think she wants to break us apart because then my partner would rely on her again, he's older than me but never had a relationship before me, well at least a proper one and it does make me question why.

Before i thought all of this was in my head but when i was typing it out i thought it can't be surely

@NearlyGranny i have said from the start i want baby to have my surname as i've done all this hard work and we're not even engaged or anything like that, he kicked up a fuss about it but i said it's the final decision. I was happy to do double barrelled but i'm not so keen now.

Sadly i think it's past the point now of him caring. i told him last night how i feel and that i will just leave if i'm going to have no support and he doesn't seem to care, just says how me and MIL are both as bad as each other. Unfair comment but i know i am a good person i am always nice to her despite all the things i've said she's done and that's not even half of it. I would of never of ignored her if she came up beside me and spoke to me, i thanked her for the gift and for coming but made no other conversation as quite frankly why should I.

If she wants to change her ways for good then i am happy to give her another chance but i can't keep giving her chances time and time again as she will never learn and i will become mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

Go and live with your Mum for now.

@mumofivy

Listen, this will get a hell of a lot worse when the baby is here. Shouting at you, is being verbally abusive.

You do realise that if you stay, she’ll no doubt demand to have the baby alone/take her from your arms/tell you that you hold her to much etc and your not so very DP will relent to have an easy life. He’ll then shout etc, to get you to do what she wants.

She’ll no doubt sulk etc if you go and see your family etc, using the guise that she feels left out, your DP for an easy life will give you a hard time so that you don’t go.

My DSis was 19, when she had my DN and was a single mother. She met her DH a few years later, is happy and my DN has grown into a wonderful adult (without any input from her father or his family, as they refused any contact).

Please, go home. Have your baby in the comfort and support from those, who love you. He’ll be no support, he’s already proved this already.

By going home, it will either spur him on to stand up and not be manipulated by her or he’ll not bother.

I’d tell her she’s not allowed over to the house due to her behaviour past and present and as you’re painted to be a nasty bastard by her anyway you may as well stop any further false accusations and tell her she’s not welcome. If she wants to see the baby then DP can take the baby to her. I’d keep in touch with the rest of the family who are nice to you but explain to your dp it’s not the first time as he is well aware and you aren’t putting up with this crap and if she doesn’t like it well, she needs to reassess her behaviour