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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to speak to MIL again

105 replies

mumofivy · 18/11/2019 17:47

Hi, first post on here so might not be perfectly written.

Bit of background my MIL is not a nice person imo, she pushes people out, tried to push me and my partner away from each other by stirring up stories, i'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and she tries to push her own mum out and tells her things like she can't baby sit my baby when she's born and refuses to let her be called great nan. She tells her mum that i say horrible things about her and her mum believes it, i'm constantly being made out to be horrible. When me and my partner moved into our flat she kept turning up unannounced, i asked her to please text before she was to come round and she told everyone in the family i said she wasn't allowed in the flat. My mum kept asking MIL to invite her mum and MIL put it off when i mentioned to her mum she said MIL had told her i didn't want her there. Her whole persona is strange, i do feel sorry for her as she has no friends and barely any social skills but this isn't an excuse to be nasty to people. She loves drama and always tries to cause it.

Yesterday was my baby shower and my mum had spent a lot of time and money preparing it, she only asked MIL to get balloons and some sashes with "mum to be on". Baby shower was 1-4, my mum was going in at 1245 to set up, MIL turns up at 1:20 with the balloons and sashes, walks past me and sits on a table comes up behind me and throws the balloons (not inflated still in the packet) and sashes down on the table behind me. I am very sensitive anyway plus all the pregnancy hormones, so i pick up what she's thrown at me put it on the kitchen side and walk outside clearly upset.

I decide to come back in and enjoy the rest of the baby shower as i had my family there who had travelled over an hour to come. I choose to not speak to MIL as i'm upset and she can get very rowdy and confrontational, she knows what she did with the balloons and sashes but would never admit it. To be honest i am glad everyone seen her do that yesterday as there has been occasions where she has been nasty to me and my partner has just brushed it off and told me it's in my head.

Fast forward to the end of the baby shower she leaves and doesn't say bye to me. I then meet my partner for him to drive me home and he starts shouting at me saying his mum has said i ignored her when she spoke to me, she didn't try and speak to me at all as i didn't hear her and no one else heard her but that was her reason for throwing the stuff at me. I think that is a pathetic excuse, personally if someone doesn't hear me say something i will just repeat myself not start throwing things aggressively but as i explained earlier this is the kind of person she is. As a grown woman you don't behave this way.

I've had multiple run ins with her where she's treated me like this and i'm getting sick and tired of it now. Being heavily pregnant and being treated like this by my partners family is the most exhausting thing ever. i'm always made out to be a bad person, i know in my heart i'm not and even though she behaves this way i always make the effort but AIBU to say now that enough is enough? cut her out of my life? she keeps saying how excited she is to be a Nan but i've been treated horribly my whole pregnancy by her and i can't physically take anymore. Is it harsh to cut her out? Has anyone else been in the same situation as me? Am i being over sensitive?

My partner has put all the blame on me and i don't even know what for. I didn't hear her if she did speak to me and all she needed to do was repeat what she said not throw the decorations at me.

My family is telling me to be the bigger person and let it go over my head, which i normally do but i've really hit breaking point yesterday. I can handle all the other times but at my own baby shower i think it's plain nasty.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 19/11/2019 14:37

MIL and FIL are in a horribly abusive relationship, so much so that MIL has virtually no life, FIL controls everything.
That is scary, because that is what your DP has seen when he was growing up, and thinks that that is the way to behave - men put their foot down and take control, and women do as they are told. They probably think MIL is a nightmare because she kicks back against this. If FIL were not so awful she might not be either, but it is highly unlikely either of them will change now.
Yes, MIL is a problem, but FIL made it and maintains it.
Even so, mumofivy, you need to get out. Everything is toxic where you are.
You are amazing for putting up with the HG.
Rooting for you.

mumofivy · 19/11/2019 14:53

@Bluetrews25 Thank you and yes i agree FIL has made her this way that's why i always give her another chance but at my wits end now. Everything is very toxic and making it harder for me.

Thanks for the comment about HG it has been really hard, my sister had an ectopic pregnancy and only has one tube now she made a comment about how lucky i am to be able to have children and go through pregnancy so i try and stay strong and positive most days regarding the sickness. Thank you for your kind words of advice SmileHalo

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 19/11/2019 15:03

Your DP is an unsupportive coward. As he's not going to step up, can you contact Great Gran separately & not go thru MIL? Otherwise, I'd say you & your DM don't give MIL tasks to try & make her feel involved etc she's just going to continue her default pattern of being awful. If she shows up without texting, it's oops we're off out, sorry. Create distance, meet on neutral territory for coffee etc if possible & bring a friend or relative for back up. At social family gatherings be very calm & keep it to surface stuff like hello how are you etc then make busy with something or someone. She likes to get a reaction, that's why she threw the balloons down. Don't give one & she's failed & you feel in control which is v empowering, trust me (toxic DM).

mumofivy · 19/11/2019 15:25

@CSIblonde yes i can contact Great Gran she regularly texts me checking up she is so sweet, i lost my nan on both parents side and it's lovely to have her around. Thank you for your advice i will definitely do this , i'm always polite and if everyone else sees that then no matter how much she slates me they will know the truth Smile

OP posts:
DryHeaving · 19/11/2019 15:35

Personally I would cut MIL out and treat DP's nan as your child's GP

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