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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to suggest that Mumsnet is quite sexist against men?

848 replies

Eckhart · 18/11/2019 16:51

I don't know if it's just the threads I've been on. I don't know how many men use Mumsnet.

Sexism either way makes me equally uncomfortable. How do other Mumsnet users feel about this?

OP posts:
RolytheRhino · 18/11/2019 19:30

I disagree with the premise that the advice wildly differs depending on the perceived sex of the poster. I see it claimed time and time again but it's not a trend I've noticed

However, a trend I have noticed is for people to jump on any wrongdoing by a female OP on a thread where the male is widely held to be unreasonable. Some examples:

  • You shouldn't have kissed someone else! That was disgusting behaviour! (On a thread where OP had kissed someone else and her partner had thrown a glass at her, cutting her in the process, taken her purse and left her stranded, cut up her credit cards and locked her out)
  • You shouldn't have hit him with a remote! (Which OP did in response to her partner repeatedly slamming her wrist in a door during an argument, causing significant bruising, and then refusing to allow her access to her newborn)

Some people will deliberately go to any lengths to focus on the woman's wrongdoing, even if the man's is far more significant. Those people usually claim 'double standards'.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/11/2019 19:30

Mumsnet is the 4chan for women. My short time in here has made that clear.

JacquesHammer · 18/11/2019 19:32

OP this thread is gold, bravo Grin

Eckhart · 18/11/2019 19:32

4chan?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 18/11/2019 19:33

Thank you JacquesHammer. It is interesting isn't it, and quite funny in parts!

OP posts:
birdsdestiny · 18/11/2019 19:33

Can anyone sew? I am happy to come up with the slogans. Probably no one can sew. Useless women that we are.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 18/11/2019 19:34

Mumsnet is the 4chan for women. My short time in here has made that clear.. Hahahaha oh my holy fuck! I’m getting more and more convinced that this is a joke thread. 🤣

JacquesHammer · 18/11/2019 19:34

It is interesting isn't it, and quite funny in parts!

Oh I was going for downright hilarious.

Although it’s proving to be one of those useful threads for updating the old spreadsheet of fuckery. Although several previous entrants have, as per, made an appearance. Shame you can’t get odds!

Eckhart · 18/11/2019 19:35

@RolytheRhino Yes, I've noticed that trend too. Some of them are really WTF. Sometimes very dangerous for the victim when she's only come here because she's feeling vulnerable in the first place. Victim blaming.

OP posts:
RolytheRhino · 18/11/2019 19:37

So far I've seen threads where apparently it's ok for women to cheat on their husbands because he probably drove her to it, a thread where a woman flirted and then kissed another man in front of her dp told that what she did wasn't that bad,

It wasn't that bad, compared to him cutting her with a glass, cutting up her credit cards and leaving her stranded. One is a civil matter, the other a criminal one. Come on, you're wilfully misrepresenting the gist of the thread, the vast majority of which was actually based on the attack with a glass and the fact the guy treats his fiancée like a scullery maid.

MeatSoup · 18/11/2019 19:39

It's very sexist against men but I think that reflects society! I'm a female but I've long felt we as a society need to take a long hard look at how we talk about men. I understand that there are abusers, criminals, scoundrels and the like and statistically, unfortunately we see there is a problem.
However, so many women jump on the bandwagon of slagging off all men, lumping the decent ones in with the losers and they know they can get away with doing this cause they know there is a prevailing feeling that 'all men are bastards'
For example, my partner is a decent man, faithful, sincere and a devoted dad. But his exw knows she can paint him as a terd and she'll get a bevvy of support from her covern of mum friends at school who all bond by slagging men off. It seems so unfair since she was the one that had the affair.
We women need to be better at recognising and highlighting positive examples of decent men and stop taking all our messed up stuff on the good ones that do exist. Otherwise, we just perpetuate how things have always been.

LolaSmiles · 18/11/2019 19:39

Hahahaha oh my holy fuck! I’m getting more and more convinced that this is a joke thread.
Sadly there's enough men and associated fawning women who'll genuinely believe men are hard done to and MN is a dangerous place where women might just talk about something other than nappies.

Graphista · 18/11/2019 19:40

“Coming on here whinging about women not being nice about poor men? Away to fuck!” hear hear!

Op I don’t think you’re being genuine in your “curiosity” on this matter.

But either way no I don’t think mn is overall sexist against men, I think it’s honest about how men are as a class, while also recognising without needing to be told by apologists that NAMALT.

I’ve a brother, uncles, cousins and friends who are amazing men, who are good husbands and fathers and grandfathers.

I also have a father, other uncles etc who aren’t great men, who are selfish, abusive, violent and entitled.

I’m 47 yo and I have from the age of about 9/10 dealt with harassment, abuse, discrimination and sexual assaults on a regular basis except in the last 2 years when I’ve been housebound due to mh issues partly due to these issues. Though the discrimination still applies.

I’ve dealt with everything from wolf whistles and ‘get your tits out’ to being grabbed and molested. I’ve dealt with customers refusing to speak to me because they don’t thing women should be/are capable of doing x job, i’ve had bosses who insist female staff wear short skirts and heels, and blatantly paid me less than a man doing exactly the same job (but given a nonsensically different job title to flout the law) I’ve lost out on jobs because interviewers think the same or have assumed I’d be having children/more children in the near future - and yes I know that was the case for sure because of the comments they actually made!

I’ve a nearly 19 yo dd who’s sadly had a not too dissimilar life experience despite my best efforts to protect her. She didn’t have my same childhood experiences because I was very protective, as a child there were fewer than 5 men I was comfortable leaving her with and that included her dad who knew my history and understood my concerns.

I could protect her at home, and when she was younger when outside the home, I couldn’t protect her at school from the bra pinging or the skirt lifting or the taking of her Sanpro from her bag and flung around, or when she got older and started working part time, just in a corner shop, or when she got older again and as many late teens do started going out on nights out and to concerts etc I couldn’t protect her from the catcalls, insults, grab assing, unwanted kisses, upskirting, and worse. I listened and comforted, told her I’d fully support her if she wanted to report to police in the case of the more serious assaults (which she declined, and I can’t say as I blame her! The perpetrators were either strangers and the assaults occurred without witnesses or cctv, or they were known to her but quite honestly have locally ‘powerful’ parents/family and are known for such behaviour but even when its been reported they have never been charged let alone prosecuted because their parents/family pull strings) plus lets be honest we ALL see how victims of sexual harassment and assault by the police and cps, even IF the police take you seriously and charge them the victim is put on trial, the victim loses friends and status and good reputation.

I’ve seen women in my friends and family have very similar life experiences, out of all the ones i know well enough to discuss this with/are open people which is well over 100 women, there are fewer than half a dozen who have NEVER experienced a serious sexual assault, and these are women from all walks of life.

I don’t know ANY woman that has NEVER experienced ANY assault, harassment or discrimination. None.

I sadly know a few men who were also victims of csa or sexual assault so I’m well aware it can happen to them too, but the perpetrators were men. I also know a few men who were/are lone parents and their exes who were/are Nrp and who have behaved just as badly as many men who are Nrps do.

I never condone violence, and I read each thread anew. And I try to bear in mind that most ops are posting from a naturally biased perspective and there’s 2 sides to every story.

BUT I have also frequently seen posters like the op and similar saying things like “a poster was told to Ltb JUST because the dh didn’t do the dishes” when I’ve actually read, possibly even posted on the thread being “quoted” and there is usually FAR more to it than the trivial issues being referenced.

Women were and are oppressed, victimised and murdered by men on a grand scale the whole world over.

Until that changes, which is highly unlikely to happen any time soon, I reserve the right to view men cautiously to recognise that they have immense privilege and as a class are ridiculously entitled.

“I read the thread that has led you to create this one. You were very very keen to allow men access to single sex spaces. You were disingenuous throughout the thread, and then brought out the faux naievity towards the end, then started this thread to get the man pleasers on your side” me too. I too am starting to wonder what ops true sex is.

“Locked doors and adequate security” please tell us how that will prevent secret filming? What level of “adequate” security would majorly prevent harassment and assaults? As was said on the thread the most sensible and practical way of massively minimising the risk to girls and women is to keep sex segregation in places like changing rooms.

You also refused to even acknowledge let alone address the rights of girls and women to have privacy and dignity in such circumstances.

Eckhart · 18/11/2019 19:42

@MeatSoup 100% brilliantly written post, and you've said exactly what I mean, but MUCH better than I can say it.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 18/11/2019 19:43

updating the old spreadsheet of fuckery.
So you openly admit to compiling a hit list of usernames for “fuckery”?
That’s a 4chan tactic.

Gstaaddad · 18/11/2019 19:43

From what I’ve seen:
Man wants sex - dirty pervert, who in all probability should have his bollocks removed.
Woman wants sex - buy the poor lady her own weight in chocolate, sex toys and Prosecco: oh, and probably lop off his bollocks anyway. 😂😂

hopelesssuitcase · 18/11/2019 19:43

Why is the OP talking about "my" other thread? He or she was not the OP of the thread about primark.
Hmm, claiming you came up with something that some other woman thought of - what does that sound like?

Eckhart · 18/11/2019 19:44

@Graphista I don't really mind if you think I'm genuine or not. I asked a question and I'm getting lots of answers. Judge me as you will.

I can't face reading your novel, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 18/11/2019 19:46

@hopelesssuitcase You're quite right. I'd forgotten how that thread had started!

OP posts:
Theendofmyrope · 18/11/2019 19:47

Woman wants sex - buy the poor lady her own weight in chocolate, sex toys and Prosecco: oh, and probably lop off his bollocks anyway

Fuxking hell..... is there a MN dark net on here somewhere where you have been reading that weapons grade shite.

birdsdestiny · 18/11/2019 19:47

And there we have it. Eckhart it was never a simple question and I knew that from the moment I answered it. It was misogyny wrapped in a pink fucking bow. A woman has just described horrendous experiences in her life and you can't be bothered to read it.

JacquesHammer · 18/11/2019 19:48

So you openly admit to compiling a hit list of usernames for “fuckery”?

I have a splendid memory for usernames. I quite openly remember who to avoid.

“Hit list” 😂😂😂

Eckhart · 18/11/2019 19:48

Sounds like.... ermmm.... A MISTAKE! Grin

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 18/11/2019 19:49

It's very sexist against men but I think that reflects society!

You are earnestly suggesting men are oppressed in society?

RolytheRhino · 18/11/2019 19:49

We women need to be better at recognising and highlighting positive examples of decent men and stop taking all our messed up stuff on the good ones that do exist. Otherwise, we just perpetuate how things have always been.

So we should be acknowledging the good ones for being decent parents and partners, going to work, earning a wage, cleaning up after themselves and not hitting or raping anyone? Doesn't that sound vaguely patronising? Is that really deserving of praise? And if so, where's the praise for all the women who accomplish those goals?