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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to suggest that Mumsnet is quite sexist against men?

848 replies

Eckhart · 18/11/2019 16:51

I don't know if it's just the threads I've been on. I don't know how many men use Mumsnet.

Sexism either way makes me equally uncomfortable. How do other Mumsnet users feel about this?

OP posts:
JoObrien7 · 19/11/2019 07:55

@Sagradafamiliar

I sometimes think men pretending to be women are very aggressive ... this is only my experience of them on other sites.

Anyway I must get ready for work or I will be stuck in the rush hour traffic

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 07:56

Jacques is not a man. Maybe think about the sexism you're displaying when you're trying to imply she's a bloke as a dig.

How interesting. Didn't notice you defending the op when she was accused of being a man.

JoObrien7 · 19/11/2019 07:59

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I was away from the site then making a coffee so I did not see it

I will catch up later with this thread bfn

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 08:02

@JoObrien7

That comment wasn't aimed at you.

It just makes me laugh how certain posters are quite happy to run around the board's accusing posters that they don't agree with of being men yet when one that they do agree with is called a man they are outraged.

I've long argued that it is sexist to state that you think someone is a man based on the way that they post. Why shouldn't a woman post in a "masculine way" ( whatever that is)?

It's just so hypocritical on here.

Frenchw1fe · 19/11/2019 08:04

I think posts about division of household tasks are difficult to judge on what OP writes. When my dh was doing 50 hour weeks and working away and I was pt I felt pretty lucky to have my half of the bargain.

Yesterday dh moved 4m3 of logs, so glad he didn't expect equality there!
And now he's retired he's always washing up and it really irritates me because he wastes so much hot water!

burnerdisplayname · 19/11/2019 08:05

The liberal dose of snideness, usually directed against men, is pretty off-putting, but I keep coming back because AIBU is so addictive.

Being overwhelmingly female doesn’t really do MN any favours (except as a ‘safe space’ for those suffering horrific abuse and coming here for advice). It is interesting to see how the majority treats the minority, much of it of a drip drip drip variety which is not always easy to spot when you’re not being the one being dripped on. For example, all the seemingly harmless stereotyping. Every time I read here how hopeless men are at [pick something women pride themselves on – say, multitasking], I think, OK, that’s not my experience; am I just an outlier? What good does it really do anyone to say this stuff, other than a little ego boost? Just one of the little drips.

A lot of the predominately male sites are bad, in their own way. I think that ideally a site should be around 50/50, like RL.

My wife is scathing about MN. I come here more often than she does, probably because I have higher tolerance for the pain that comes from so much eye-rolling (and can be bothered to post from time to time), though having said that, she actually laughed at the SWT thing when I mentioned it, having initially winced at it myself. Doubtless there are those here who would tell her she’s her own worst enemy. She has also wondered aloud just how many frequent posters are married or manage to stay very long in relationships. (Yes, I know that’s not every woman’s goal.)

As others have mentioned, there’s a lot of very black and white thinking on display. Nuance doesn’t tend to be rewarded. More’s the pity.

isabellerossignol · 19/11/2019 08:09

Every time I read here how hopeless men are at [pick something women pride themselves on – say, multitasking], I think, OK, that’s not my experience; am I just an outlier?

That's an interesting one because a lot of the accusations of being man hating are aimed at the feminism part of the site. And yet that's the one place you'll not be finding statements about men being useless with babies or not being able to see dirty dishes. Because people there think men are capable of being responsible for their own behaviour.

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2019 08:10

It just makes me laugh how certain posters are quite happy to run around the board's accusing posters that they don't agree with of being men yet when one that they do agree with is called a man they are outraged
It's not a case of agreeing or disagreeing.

I've disagreed with Jacques on a few topics. I don't doubt she's a woman though because she centres women's experiences and doesn't do the whole "you women play nicely to the poor men" thing.

There are other posters I've seen on MN who very much sound like they're spouting MRA nonsense, show up with faux naiveity 'just wondering why women are so mean'.

Mumsnet is full of women disagreeing and debating. It's why many of us use the site. It's only a certain type of posting that seeks to stir up scepticism.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 08:11

burnerdisplayname

I agree with you.

What upsets me most is when a man posts asking for advice on an obviously difficult situation. Rather than advice he gets a pile on "because men as a class..." But he's an individual and struggling. It's not his responsibility to answer for every ill caused by men is it?

This is meant to be a site for parents yet some posters have declared it a site for women. Where does it say that?

JacquesHammer · 19/11/2019 08:13

She has also wondered aloud just how many frequent posters are married or manage to stay very long in relationships

What a disappointing attitude from your wife. I hope you advised her as you did on here that it isn’t every woman’s goal.

Eckhart · 19/11/2019 08:14

Hearhooves

I've long argued that it is sexist to state that you think someone is a man based on the way that they post. Why shouldn't a woman post in a "masculine way" ( whatever that is)?

I agree. I don't state my sex on MN but some (thankfully only a small number) have decided I'm a misogynistic male sealion who wants as many men (or 'cocks' as it was delightfully phrased) as possible in women's changing rooms. I've never seen anything like it.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 08:17

with faux naiveity 'just wondering why women are so mean'.

But why do you decide it's faux naivety? I post on lots of threads. I post advice on health boards from the perspective of someone who has had that condition - pre eclampsia for example. I've described how it affected me yet will still be accused of being a man because on threads where I see men being treated unfairly I speak up.

I'll also speak up.if I see female posters being treated unfairly but then I do that in life too. If I see someone being treated unfairly I will call it out. Their sex doesn't influence my choice to speak up or not.

There's a thread running now with a poster saying that she hopes her dd grows up to be a lesbian because men are X,y and z. I think that is utterly bizarre. Yet no doubt will be thought a man for daring to say so.

CuckooCuckooClock · 19/11/2019 08:18

Eckhart I think it’s more that when a post is so horrifically misogynistic, one sometimes assumes it’s a man posting. Then one remembers that many women are misogynists too.

CuckooCuckooClock · 19/11/2019 08:20

hearhooves there are load of posters on that thread who think it’s bizarre. It looks a bit like you are falsifying evidence to support your argument.

Eckhart · 19/11/2019 08:21

@cuckoocuckooclock Are you talking about posts in general that are misogynistic or was that how you interpreted mine?

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 19/11/2019 08:21

Hear I told you I'm not engaging with you so refer to my last sentence in the post you were responding to.

isabellerossignol · 19/11/2019 08:22

That's like taking the supersoaker thread in classics and concluding that everyone on mumsnet thinks it's fine to take a supersoaker to a birthday party...

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 08:22

Eckhart

The irony is that those very posters prove your op. They are doing the very thing that they insist doesn't happen on MN.

They argue that women don't have a hive mind yet if you post in a different way to that which they've decided is female then you are deemed to be a man. Kind of suggesting that there is indeed a hive mind and that all women should think and speak in the same way.

This place is starting to feel like a very insular place. It isn't supportive at all for people deemed to be "outsiders". If you don't fit certain criteria then you are treated appallingly on here. It is very much the school playground with the bullies ruling the roost.

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2019 08:23

I didnt say you were a male sealion. I said your posts were like sealioning, because they don't come across as seeking a debate in good faith. Add in what other posters identified from other threads and it certainly seems that way.

I couldn't care less about anyone posting in a "male/masculine" way. Lots of people have said men can get support on here and women get their arses handed to them.

I just happen to find disingenuous faux naïve claims of "just seeking women's views about why women are so mean" to men to be a pattern of posting associated with MRA and their fan clubs.

And I'm someone who regularly points out where the double standards exist on here (and have done repeatedly on this thread as well).

But don't let that stop the "poor me, I just asked and look how mean everyone is" narrative.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 08:23

Sagradafamiliar

So don't respond to me then. No one is forcing you too.

Unfortunately for you, you aren't the boss of me so I shall respond to the posts that I want to.

Feel free not to reply. It's no skin off my nose.

Eckhart · 19/11/2019 08:24

If I see someone being treated unfairly I will call it out. Their sex doesn't influence my choice to speak up or not.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras
This is what I do too. MN is the only place I've ever been called misogynistic for it though. (or a sealion) This, in a nutshell, answers my OP perfectly.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 19/11/2019 08:25

This, in a nutshell, answers my OP perfectly

I don’t necessarily think it does!

Ive done a quick A/S and I do think your very male-centric in your views. Unless you’re repeatedly having conversations that would make these views come out, I don’t think that’s a true representation of your views.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 08:25

CuckooCuckooClock

Not at all. I'm saying that when I post in that way I am accused of being a man. I'm giving that thread as an example of an attitude that I find quite bizarre yet often when I post on threads like that I am dismissed as being a man.

MorrisZapp · 19/11/2019 08:26

Women can be massive misogynists. Look at any thread involving cheating, women take the blame and judgement for men's actions. Men are still the prize, even if they're lying, cheating gits.

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2019 08:26

They argue that women don't have a hive mind yet if you post in a different way to that which they've decided is female then you are deemed to be a man. Kind of suggesting that there is indeed a hive mind and that all women should think and speak in the same way
Except there isn't a hive mind.

I've mentioned double standards on threads and had a mix of agreement and disagreement.
I've debated in feminism and had some really interesting discussions with women who have different views to me.

There's thread after thread of people disagreeing and debating on a whole range of topics.

This "hive mind" and claims of not being able to disagree because everyone is mean seem to only come from a minority of posters, who often centre their argument on "why everyone is a bunch of meanies".