Who is the gift for?

[Nooz]

Is it inherently unreasonable if...

I'm in a long distance relationship, both single parents, and I'd like to please share something without lots of history just to see this thing alone in the spotlight...

He's been telling me about a beauuuutiful necklace he's chosen for me, big build up. Specific charms, of significance to us, three on a beautiful chain. His lives with his dd aged 15 and her mum -his ex of 6years- died in Feb 2018. Last night he said his dd spotted the necklace on the side in his room and said that it reminded her of 'you, me and mummy' is it for me?' and he said he couldn't say no and gave it to her.

Was that reasonable? Thoughts other than my own emotions would be so helpful. Thank you.

dd has always come first, but is that always 100% right solely on the grounds of bereavement?

No, it's right because she is a child in a situation where her remaining parent has a responsibility to give her priority over his long-distance girlfriend who appears to want to tussle over his attention.

it would be unfair unkind and wrong of me to ask him to choose

The way you write suggests that you think this is some pseudo-poetic situation with two lovers separated by circumstance despite their deep desire to be together.

The reality seems to be that you both have other responsibilities, and while your boyfriend seems keen to make his daughter a priority, you are pining around pontificating about your place in his affections, trying not-particularly-subtly to suggest that he should reconsider and insinuating that his daughter's grief at losing her mother should be overlooked because you think you deserve more from him. It's uncomfortable to read which suggests that this relationship is not bringing out your best self. You don't even mention your children in all this - do they live with you? Perhaps you could divert a bit of this angst into doing things with or for them to give you a boost and help you to come to terms with the end of this relationship? Good luck.

You sound like an absolute drama queen, who talks about “‘living and breathing this dichotomy’ . Are you a love sick teenager?

You have your own child(ren) you work in a secondary school (are you a teacher?), I appreciate its nice to date someone but you still seem to want far, far too much out of you relationship.

Just move on, live your own life.

After reading your previous post op I wonder what you get from this “relationship”.

You see him 4-6 times a year, there’s a lack of intimacy and he often gets drunk.

He hangs up on you abruptly with no apologies later on.

Are you sure you’re not one of his many ldr?

I think you're being very wise OP.

If you have problems coming second place to a 15 year old who fairly recently lost her mother, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a widower who has children.

Simply that.

It's funny how a thread can turn. Don't mind the frank thoughts, I'm listening to all the reactions and thinking deeply.

Maybe it is that simple about attention and I need to admit some things to myself.

All the drama about this is here in this thread. If I saw dd wearing the necklace what do you think I'd say? I'd be kind and lovely! I always am with her. this is about deep down dark struggles, things felt.

Thanks for the kindness here too!

I think he's spinning a story. It's not usual social norm to big up a gift in advance , you just get it, then give it, no bigging it up, so its a nice surprise. Does he lie & big up/exaggerate about other stuff? I can't see charms specific to you & him reminded her of her & her parents.

This might sound bad but are you definitely sure that he’s not married? The necklace story is a lie. If he’d got it he’d have just given it to you,he wouldn’t bang on about it beforehand. Do you go to his house? It just seems like he’s a bit of a bullshitter and if he’d lie about something silly like a necklace he could be lying about loads of things. Is the wife definitely dead? Something just doesn’t seem right here

Do you really only see him a few times a year?

@category12
Yes only a few times a year

@Dita73
He is a performer, very good, very funny. He is so energetic and quite useless as keeping a surprise completely a surprise. This necklace I knew - was asked to look at - the website of who made it, not the specific piece.

The ex is definitely gone, huge funeral lots of mutual people no question.

@CSIblonde
This is typical, he's a chap who can command a room, gifts with him go like this.

Thank you x

What's the point of it, then? You're not happy and you barely see the guy.

Seriously I ask myself what's to lose @category12 and he is a magnificent dear when he is one. Very attentive and lush, downside is, well there's lots regarding my needs. But the tale of this post is my needs are not the most important in this dynamic so it seems fate has a big say. He is a crush of mine and perhaps we future fake together. Tbh this is messing with my head a bit! My boys and I are moving to the city soon from living in the sticks, the reason we see each other so little is his dd. So who knows, but for now his dd is going through her mocks and then the 2nd anniversary of her bereavement just after Christmas so when is a good time to go? I'm so fed up with this coming ahead of me and my boys. Never simple, not boring either. Have boys to settle. Much appreciated, thank you x

What's to lose, well, opportunities to meet other more available men. Years of your life. Your marbles.

So true x