Who is the gift for?

[Nooz]

Is it inherently unreasonable if...

I'm in a long distance relationship, both single parents, and I'd like to please share something without lots of history just to see this thing alone in the spotlight...

He's been telling me about a beauuuutiful necklace he's chosen for me, big build up. Specific charms, of significance to us, three on a beautiful chain. His lives with his dd aged 15 and her mum -his ex of 6years- died in Feb 2018. Last night he said his dd spotted the necklace on the side in his room and said that it reminded her of 'you, me and mummy' is it for me?' and he said he couldn't say no and gave it to her.

Was that reasonable? Thoughts other than my own emotions would be so helpful. Thank you.

Something really weird about this. It’s only a necklace, why the big build up? Beautiful chain- a chain is just a chain isn’t it? Gold silver, whatever metal but still... just a. Chain.

Just seems really weird and not necessarily to do with the daughter coming first- the whole thing really

Personally (and I’m not divorced, in a LDR or a person who lost their mother as a child) I would be quietly disappointed but accept it. I would probably have words about how it’s not necessary to tell me the lovely things that were going to happen but now aren’t. Just buy another or don’t.

But I haven’t read the full thread yet.

You think these charms (whatever they are) have significance to you and your DP. I would suggest that they may have also had the same significance to him and his ex, and his DD recognises that whereas you wouldn't. My DF is on his third wife and there's lots of things he does with each one that they are oblivious to. For example, his current wife talks of their own 'special place' where they got engaged etc, this clearly means a lot to her and she has paintings of it up in their house - he had the same 'special place' with my DM but SM doesn't know this. Right down to smaller things like he always holds her (and every other 'her') cup on the right when carrying two cups of tea/coffee. He's told SM this is because she's always right (lol).

@HeddaGarbled

But that’s what she did. She saw a necklace she wanted and said “mummy”. OP has hinted that this isn’t an isolated incident. She can’t be given whatever she wants simply by reminding the world that her mum died.

She needs love, attention, cherishing. She doesn’t need every material thing she likes. Her dad should be helping her through her grief without teaching her that she gets whatever she wants. She’ll end up spoiled and entitled and, no matter how horrible you think it sounds, her future employers and adult friends won’t put up with bratty behaviour just because she mentions her mum. So her dad shouldn’t either.

You don’t get someone through their grief by spoiling them.

To me, what he did was kind and totally reasonable. He was put on the spot, and did the right thing. He has to put his DD first in his life, even above you OP. His DD needed reassurance that her mother hasn't been forgotten or replaced. I think it was sweet. I can see why you're hurt/upset, but please step back and think of a 15yo child who lost her mother.

He's been telling me about a beauuuutiful necklace he's chosen for me, big build up. Specific charms, of significance to us, three on a beautiful chain.

I agree with a pp. I don’t think the necklace was meant for you.

I think he really needs to decide whether he's ready for a relationship yet, or (and I do understand he and ex split a long time ago), whether this is the right time for one, given his caring responsibility towards his dd and her greater need for him since her DM died.

I'm not keen on big build-ups to a present. Just why? Loses all the element of surprise and often leads to a let-down.

Does his dd know about your relationship? Does she like you? Sounds like she knew the necklace was for you and didn't want you to have it.

Your op should have handled it differently. He should haved said 'No, that's for Nooz, but if you'd like a necklace to remind you of your mum then we can look for one together.'

All he's done is hurt you and reiterate that you're further down his pecking order than his dd - which is as it should, be, but is the dynamic a healthy one? Are you happy? Or are you always giving and getting crumbs from his table in response? If so, maybe time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Thank you all, your thoughts are so helpful. At least I know there's no definitive that I've been missing! Yes, good call, I have posted about he and dd before, I'm a mug or a wise generous treasure? I'm still figuring it out!! Off to work now and taking the effort and wisdom shared here with me THanK YoU X

If this is a writing exercise, I’d cut back on the stilted language…

Three questions

How was the necklace not in a box to the point that his (supposed) DD sees the necklace?

Why would she think it's for her if it's not Christmas yet or her birthday, particularly as she's 15 and not 5?

Why didn't he just buy the same necklace again for you? You never needed to know anything about his DD keeping the original one.

First off - my partner going on about a gift he bought me, massive build up, hyping it up, would be so off putting!

And not for one second would I feel upset with the course of action taken

* I'm a mug or a wise generous treasure?*

The former possibly. No evidence of the latter I have to say.

Did he send you a photo of the necklace? I would have thought if it was real and he wanted to spoil the surprisedescribe it in such detail it would be easier to send a photo.
Also my dsd is 15 and there is no way she'd go looking in our room or her own mother's room, and if she saw something like that she definitely wouldn't assume it was for her, she might wonder who it was for but pretty sure she'd keep that thought to herself.

Strike through fail!

I live and breathe this dichotomy every day, who's needs come first?

His daughter’s. If you don’t like it, end the relationship and look for someone else

I think there is a necklace and I believe the story (reading this as a stepmum). I'd feel along the lines that you do. Yes in a lot of ways the daughter should come first, but in this case he should have actually no, this is a present for someone, but if you like it we can get a similar one made and we can choose the charms together so it's extra special. Being a good parent doesn't mean you drop everything and give the child a present for no reason. He could even have said he'd got a more special one for her hidden away for Xmas. I can understand and empathise why he did it, his heartstrings must have really twanged when she said that, and he probably couldn't think of anything to say to her when on the spot, but I don't think he did the right thing. But I also don't think he did it because he automatically chose her over you, he was just on the spot..

For what it's worth, I felt like I was always second, filling gaps, as you said, for many years as a step parent, but it does slow up when the child grows up. They gradually get their own life and become busier. While they'll always (quite rightly) be hugely important to their dad, it does feel less intense when they're older.

@Nooz widow's perspective here.

Always, always the call is, what about dd

And that is absolutely as it should be - his dd has to come first.

But you also deserve to be happy and to have someone to put you first. It's so, so hard to be the next partner after a bereavement. I think you need to think about whether this relationship is working for you, given the circumstances.

Your posts are very odd and give a sort of flight of fancy tone to me, OP. You might want to put your feet on the ground and look at this LDR without the role-playing.

She will always come first because she is his child, I expect your child/ren come first too (they should if not).

She is 15 and lost her Mother last year. I can completely believe his story and I don’t think it’s such a bad thing. It’s only a piece of jewellery, he can always buy you another.

If these 'wonderful charms' were so exclusive to you and he, how could his DD have thought they related to three people who presumably hadn't lived together for years?

IMO he should have said no, but he never says no and no one else does either. To me it feels like I'm not ever worth the standing up to dd.

If you have problems coming second place to a 15 year old who fairly recently lost her mother, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a widower who has children.

If you wouldn’t put your own children above a new partner in those circumstances, you should be questioning yourself.

If it is true. YABU. She is 15 and has recently lost her mother. Of course his daughter will and always will be his priority.
At the end of the day its just a necklace.

Ask to see a photo of the necklace, perhaps you could contribute a charm to it for his daughter

I don't think he is ready for another relationship yet. I think he probably really likes you and really likes the idea of a relationship but in a practical sense he isn't yet at a point where he can be in one.

Right now his dd needs all of him, or even if she doesn't - he thinks she does and wants to be there for her. There's nothing wrong with that, but it isn't compatible with being in a new(ish) relationship. He might not be able to see that, but you are clearly sensing it. Let him go.