Who is the gift for?

[Nooz]

Is it inherently unreasonable if...

I'm in a long distance relationship, both single parents, and I'd like to please share something without lots of history just to see this thing alone in the spotlight...

He's been telling me about a beauuuutiful necklace he's chosen for me, big build up. Specific charms, of significance to us, three on a beautiful chain. His lives with his dd aged 15 and her mum -his ex of 6years- died in Feb 2018. Last night he said his dd spotted the necklace on the side in his room and said that it reminded her of 'you, me and mummy' is it for me?' and he said he couldn't say no and gave it to her.

Was that reasonable? Thoughts other than my own emotions would be so helpful. Thank you.

The necklace is a red herring. Your question seems to be, ‘must I always take second place?’

Sadly the answer is yes.

@purpledaisies
Agree you could soften the message but a 15 year old will be able to deduce an expensive necklace for "Nooz" means her dad us seeing someone new. And the outcome/hurt is still the same

@Nooz
You asked for assessment as an isolated incident and i do think on that basis yabu. But I don't think you would be unreasonable to expect/ ask for a replacement.

My mum once panicked when a relative was pulling faces and being a total arsehole disappointed with their Xmas present and gave them my main Christmas present as well to apease them!!! (I didn't mind as she was just so stressed and my aunt is a nightmare )

The real issue is the dichotomy of whose "needs come first" is a really fundamental one and looking critically at whether or not this can meet your long term needs is important.
It sounds like this might be part of a broader picture which long term doesn't work for you.

Does he often build up presents in this way?

I've seen it quite a lot recently on MN : men building up presents/events for weeks in advance and then it's quite the anticlimax (and often never materializes).

I'd be wary of someone who builds up like this. He seems to want the credit for the present without actually giving it.

In this case, all he's managed to do is hurt you. If you hadn't known about the present then they would be no problem.

(and I agree with PP that unfortunately you will and should always come 2nd to his DD).

I find it weird that people think he's lying about the necklace's existence. Given how specific he's been about it, it would be weird if he didn't buy it, and even more weird to give an explanation that's pretty agonising, for what happened to it.

And yes, a girl of 13/14 lost her mother 18 months ago. Your relationship isn't going to be simple at this early stage, and that's no-one's fault.

Trying to get the logistics right. His wife had been his ex for six years and died nearly two years ago - so they split when his DD was 7? Who did/does she live with?

She's been through quite a lot in her fairly short life. I reckon he feels guilty - she's always going to come first (rightly) but he may be overindulgent towards her and that's not going to change. If he always gives her things she asks for, I'd cut your losses. He's never going to suddenly be an unencumbered single bloke, he's always going to have a bereaved daughter.

This is fine, this girl only lost her mother last year. I can see why he said yes and gave it to her. It was a nice thing to do. Objecting and wanting it for yourself is a bit grabby. I'm sure he will buy you something else.

I think he was caught on the hop and didn’t know how to react. It must be very difficult for him (and her) and I think I’d give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. He does owe you a present, though.

Maybe I'm gullible because it sounds perfectly feasible to have happened this way. And under the circumstances it's understandable to me why he would then give it to her. He can't replace it as she might see it one day and wonder why he's bought an identical gift for op. It all sounds believable. How could he say 'its not for you it's for my girlfriend' ? His daughter, at that age, is obviously (to me) going to come first.

IME men who talk a lot about presents rarely buy them.

IME men who talk a lot about presents rarely buy them

This ^. It's the big build-up that throws it into doubt for me.

His daughter is always going to come first as I expect your sons will to you

Umm I can totally understand why he would give it to the poor girl and think it would have been cruel not to. You’re not annoyed are you?! He can just buy you another one. His daughter will probably cherish it for life.

Most likely: there never was a necklace and the story is made up so that you can't call him out on it

2nd option: there was a necklace, his dd isn't happy with your relationship, so she made up the story about it reminding her of her mum, to make him feel guilty

Either way you say 'of course dd should have it, you can buy me an x instead'

Another thing is, his daughters needs are more important, and always will be more important, and this is exactly how it should be. And yes, assuming that the necklace did exist and he did give it to his grieving daughter, if you say anything negative to him about it then you will seem horrible and insensitive.

And lastly I agree that it’s weird and quite sad how many people think the necklace never existed and that this is all an elaborate lie. What horrible experiences you all must have had to be so suspicious

He can't buy you another one and you shouldn't ask for another one. The seems to think this is a reminder of her mum... how would it look if you rocked up wearing the same thing!!!

I still think it's really odd for a 15 year old to go into her dad's room and start opening boxes up. So he might need to start putting boundaries in place. She's been through something awful, but she's still going to grow up and needs learn boundaries.

The truth is surfacing here, I do think it existed, I don't think dd will cherish it.

Sadly, yes, this is about me. I'm not selfish. Always, always the call is, what about dd. For all the time of our relationship I have melted myself and filled the gaps that this situation has left.

My patience is long and deep and my give too. This isn't a thing that is tipping my balance, but I see it as a yet another window into my future. It's no ones fault.

IMO he should have said no, but he never says no and no one else does either. To me it feels like I'm not ever worth the standing up to dd.

A further point is yes he has said he's finding a replacement BUT when I asked what if dd finds this is one... his response was 'she won't' not I'll tell her no. Just he's have to do a better job of hiding it.

That's when I hit ffs in my head and came on here

Thank you mn, about to be called in at the dentist... much to ponder xxx

The big build up is odd. Why spoil the surprise? If he genuinely put thought into a gift, with special meaning in the charms, why tell you, why not give it to you and allow you the surprise?
Giving him the benefit of the doubt that a 15 year old found a necklace just lying around, out of its box, in her father’s bedroom, and allowed her the assumption it was for her. Fine, but did he say he’d buy another for you? I’d probably say that’s sweet that he let her have it, but what is he going to give you now instead?
I would be inclined to think either it doesn’t exist, or he never intended on giving it to you, and just wants credit for the intention.

What else could he do?
Would you have wanted him to say it was for you and her too look dagers everytime you wore it?
Tell him it is ok, but I would be aware in case anything like this happened again.

Life has taught me that big build ups lead to big let downs.

Talk's cheap.

What makes me think he's lying is that if a 15 year old was snooping to find their Christmas presents, they wouldn't then admit they were looking by asking it it's for them.
I think he just wants credit for giving you a lovely highly anticipated gift without giving you one.

The build up makes it very suspicious.

His daughter is more important than you, and that is the right approach for a parent. He could have given her the necklace if he is telling the truth, and that would have been appropriate. He should have also bought you another necklace which is similar, and left you none-the-wiser about what happened with his child. Mature men don't need to 'talk' about presents before they give them to you. The surprise is surely the whole point. Three men have pulled similar stunts in my lifetime, none of which proved to be reliable characters and all disappointed in the long run in terms of their general character and integrity. One is my brother, he is just awful with his false promises to the point that my eyes roll now everytime he opens his mouth. Two were ex-boyfriends...ex for a reason. They were con-artist types in loads of debt who talked big, and were just out for someone else to fund their life. Please be careful, this man is testing you for your reaction and just how much rubbish treatment you will tolerate. He has sent a clear message that he doesn't care about you or your feelings that much.

I think that it's odd that the necklace was out where the daughter could easily find it.

If it happened the way he said then he did the only thing he could, didn't he?

But I don't understand the telling you about the gift before giving it.

It's like those men who want to do a big proposal, but the time is never right & the women are for some reason on tenterhooks waiting.

At the end of the day it was a necklace.

Such a big fuss about it, but it wasn't safe from "prying eyes"?

The bigger picture here is that no one will say no to her. So she always gets what she wants and get her own way? You say she won't cherish the necklace, so does that mean she's behaved in an ungrateful way in the past? Gets what she wants and then doesn't actually care about the thing?

She's not a child anymore. She's a young woman and in a few years she will be in uni or work. She can't play the dead mum card once she's in the real world. People won't just give her what she wants and they won't tiptoe around her.

It's time for a talk about parenting. Make him realise that his job at the age is to get her ready for the real world. Spoiling her won't do that. Giving her what she wants all the time won't do that. He needs to step up and be a real parent now, especially since he's the only one.