Who is the gift for?

[Nooz]

Is it inherently unreasonable if...

I'm in a long distance relationship, both single parents, and I'd like to please share something without lots of history just to see this thing alone in the spotlight...

He's been telling me about a beauuuutiful necklace he's chosen for me, big build up. Specific charms, of significance to us, three on a beautiful chain. His lives with his dd aged 15 and her mum -his ex of 6years- died in Feb 2018. Last night he said his dd spotted the necklace on the side in his room and said that it reminded her of 'you, me and mummy' is it for me?' and he said he couldn't say no and gave it to her.

Was that reasonable? Thoughts other than my own emotions would be so helpful. Thank you.

People keep saying he's a widower but they split up 6 years before she died. DD was 8/9 when they split.

You shouldn't come before a bereaved 15-yr-old. Her needs will always come first. If you struggle with that, and you seem to, then this isn't the right relationship for you.
You're already viewing it as a competition for his time/attention/gifts. That's not healthy or sustainable.

It's very early, since the girl's mother has died. What, a year and a half? That is nothing. I would say he is right to prioritise her. Whether that means it's wise for him to be in a relationship at all, well...

I appreciate they were split up long before she died. But that's still got to have a profound effect on him considering that it would have been a significant portion of his life (~10+ years) together plus obviously the effect of bereavement on his DD and as others have said, that's one of the toughest bereavements at one of the toughest times.

It sounds like it's not what you want from a relationship, which is fair enough, but the solution to that is to walk away, not to keep hoping that one day you'll come first over the daughter in this situation.

You need to make a decision. You can have a long distance relationship or you can have a relationship where you are one of your partner's highest priorities. You can very rarely have both.

If this is all true I think he didn’t have much option but to give it to his DD. To give it to his new girlfriend after she said it reminded her of her mum would have been very unkind.

As other people have said, his daughter will always come ahead of you. That’s only right given the loss of her mum. This might shift a bit when she is much older - if she settles down with a loving supportive partner he might feel able to put himself and his relationship first, but that’s not a definite thing. It might be him and her against the world forever. If that is a dealbreaker for you it’s probably better to face it now and look for someone whom doesn’t have the massive emotional commitment this man does.

Why would he need to tell you all about it before giving it to you never mind to then give it to someone else.? Why even big up his gift to you? Seems very childish.

If you get a Joni Mitchell CD on Christmas Day instead though just walk away.

Also it sounds like he is living in his ex’s house?

To me it feels like I'm not ever worth the standing up to dd.

It doesn't sound like any 'standing up' was required - she wasn't arguing or demanding. She asked a question and he made a decision in the moment.

My own mum lost her mum at 15, I work in a secondary school, there are multiple ways of facing this.

I'm not sure the relevance of this - are you saying that you and your mum have decided on the basis of her experience and your work that he's not handling things properly. Because there's no one way to deal with a child's grief and the circumstances of their split and presumably his daughter moving in with him (?) after her mum died make this unique to them.

I live and breathe this dichotomy every day, who's needs come first?

The children. Always the children. And if you are having to ask this question, it suggests that you are not only hoping to involve yourself inappropriately in your partner's relationship with his daughter, but that you are letting your children down as well.

I think you need to be realistic about what you want from a relationship, because if it's throwing a grieving teenager under a bus so that you can feel like someone else's priority, then this relationship is going to be awful for everyone involved.

Cant he just get you another one if its so important to you. Her needs come first

Does the DD actually know about you - I can't see that you've answered that question?

The only men I know who would make a big build up about a present for you then say they gave it away are manipulative liars.

standing up to a bereaved child!? Wow. You need to get a grip.

Does the DD actually know about you - I can't see that you've answered that question?

I asked this too and no answer has been forthcoming.
Because if the DD doesn't know about OP then it might explain why the DP had to give her the necklace - otherwise he would have had to tell her about him having a girlfriend.

Im guessing the DD (if he has one) hasn't met you and knows nothing about you.
I definitely don't believe the necklace exists.
I think he's living in a fantasy.
He knows his backstory and living far apart keeps him from getting found out as it keeps you at arm's length.

You'll always be the also ran here.
I bet that child doesn't know about you.
I'd bail, way too much hard work.

@Lulualla She's not a child anymore. She's a young woman
She is 15 of course she is a child, she is three years away from being a young woman!

Nooz, having read your previous thread about this man, I think you know already what you need to do. I wouldn't hang on for Christmas in your shoes.

Just bite the bullet love, he's a shocker.

i dont find it unbelievable.

but it doesnt matter what we think op, its what you think and believe.

I think maybe you should drop the “whimsical” persona and apply some good old fashioned common sense to your situation.

I've just found the other thread.
This relationship is going nowhere.
You meet 4 - 6 times a year. You imply you don't have much/any? sex.
He promises you how lovely your life with him is going to be in the future (future faking).
You can't move in with him because of DD.
Then there's this issue in this thread with this necklace business.

In your last thread in September you said you realized you had to end it etcetc.
It's now the end of November and you're back on here asking again.
This relationship isn't working for you. Dump him and move on.

YANBU - Like many others have said, it probably never existed, especially since you received such a big build up...

If it was true however, it is a little odd for a 15 year old to assume a (presumably) boxed necklace is for her and is any way related to her mum. Why couldn’t he just say ‘“no darling, but if you’d like something similar that can truly resemble the 3 of us that way then I can get you something like this if it helps”

This relationship is absolutely not working for you.

You are not unreasonable to end it because it is not working.

You are being unreasonable to ‘mind’ that he gave his daughter the necklace.

You are probably very nice, just a bit tired and jaded. But there is nothing you have written that gives the impression you are a “wise generous treasure”. You may well be. But you are hiding it well on this thread!

Move on. Find someone who can properly appreciate your wisdom. He needs to concentrate on his daughter. Hope the future holds better things.

Thank you all for your posts and time taken to share thoughts and experiences.

Yes dd knows about me, we've met, say hi on the phone.

Of course there is more depth than my couple of posts can cover, I'm really not having a hissy over a necklace, my question is about the bigger picture. My relationship started before the ex became terminally ill. Dd was told about us this year over a year after losing her mum. There's no question of respect for the dd here, when it was right for her, not him, me or us, dd has always come first, but is that always 100% right solely on the grounds of bereavement?

Thank you for pulling this apart with me, I am conflicted, that's what I'm thinking this out on line and not in rl until, thanks to mn, I have a much more rounded picture of how to conclude this.

I did end it with him after my last post about phone calls, and we sorted things out openly carefully. Now, a month later, again I return to there being no oxygen for an us. It's not bad of me to say this, it would be unfair unkind and wrong of me to ask him to choose, there is no choice, between us. It's the same thing from another angle. So, this feeling has returned - despite our feelings for each other - that this is not the time for an us to exist.

I'm glad we tried, I'm glad this necklace thing has -rightly named here- become an allegory for the truth of our relationship.

Time for tea, back to work...thank you x

My daughter will always come first to me. I hope that, should I die before she becomes an adult, her dad will always put her first because she won’t have a mum there to do it any more. Even if they weren’t together when her mum died, she is still a child who has been left without a mother so she needs twice the love from her dad. I have sympathy for you, because rightly this hasn’t left much space for you in his life. That doesn’t make him wrong though.