Who is the gift for?

[Nooz]

Is it inherently unreasonable if...

I'm in a long distance relationship, both single parents, and I'd like to please share something without lots of history just to see this thing alone in the spotlight...

He's been telling me about a beauuuutiful necklace he's chosen for me, big build up. Specific charms, of significance to us, three on a beautiful chain. His lives with his dd aged 15 and her mum -his ex of 6years- died in Feb 2018. Last night he said his dd spotted the necklace on the side in his room and said that it reminded her of 'you, me and mummy' is it for me?' and he said he couldn't say no and gave it to her.

Was that reasonable? Thoughts other than my own emotions would be so helpful. Thank you.

So his, what, guilt? is overriding his ability to successfully parent his teen daughter, is that it?
DOES he feel guilty about his ex, or does he just feel sorry for his DD that her mum has died?

Either way, he can't forever be giving in to her just because she lost her mum, that's ridiculous. It's very sad and of course he should cut her some slack, but it can't go on forever, she still has to be dealt with appropriately and understand that not everything is about her.

I hope she's a nice kid, and that this doesn't turn her into a manipulative madam who is never said "no" to and who always gets her own way; but her father needs to realise that he still needs to parent her.

As to whether you should say anything about it, well I probably wouldn't bother in all honesty - but if the "replacement" necklace doesn't materialise, or goes the same way as the first, then I'd be using it as a marker for your standing in the relationship and considering my future.

Sounds like he’s over compensating for the death of her Mum but sadly this won’t help as she’ll become entitled. You will always come second in terms of actual need, as you should as she’s his child. But there should most definitely be occasions when he says no and puts you first if not a true need.

And lastly I agree that it’s weird and quite sad how many people think the necklace never existed and that this is all an elaborate lie. What horrible experiences you all must have had to be so suspicious

I haven't experienced this, but have seen it often on here. There's even a name for it, "Future faking". The man builds up an experience (birthday weekend away in Paris at a 5* hotel, etc) or a present. Says he's so excited to give it to the woman, describes it in detail, etc, and then it never materialises. He will have a reason/bad luck story why they don't go away, or he doesn't give the gift, and because he spent so much money on it, he can't afford to replace it with something of similar value.

It's to make himself look romantic and generous, that he loves the woman so much he would go to so much trouble/spend so much money, but it's just bad luck that stopped him following through. So the woman falls for it, and stays with him, until after this has happened a few times, and she realises this always happens, and he had no intention of taking her away/giving her the gifts.

There was a thread over the last few weeks, where the OP posted about her partner going on about being excited to propose to her. He went on about it so much (but never proposed at the times OP thought he would, like when they went out for a romantic meal) that OP had got sick of hearing about it.

They'd been together 10 years, and the general consensus was that he doesn't have a ring, and has no intention of proposing. He still hasn't proposed, and has told her she's spoilt it now.

It looks like OP's guy is future faking. OP said she didn't want to add the backstory, because she wanted to know about this specific incident, which makes me think he's done other things to let OP down, which is why she's suspicious about this. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck....

If it were true, surely he could have just replaced it and no one need be disappointed?

Yes, because giving his girlfriend a necklace as a replacement for the one that he told the DD was for her is not going to be at all awkward.

who's needs come first?

His child who has lost her mother. Obviously.

I'd like to please share something without lots of history just to see this thing alone in the spotlight...

So there is lots of history as well
Isolated incidents are not isolated...

I find the build up strange - does he do this about other gifts? It's all very bizarre. Why not just surprise you with the necklace instead of going on and on about it and it never materializes?
Also why was the necklace just lying around somewhere in his room? Wasn't it in a box or the packaging it came in?

I think if your DP can't ever say no to his DD because her mother died, that is storing up a lot of problems for the future.
And yes, his daughter will always come first before you (and that's the way it should be actually). So you have to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

I agree that it’s weird and quite sad how many people think the necklace never existed and that this is all an elaborate lie. What horrible experiences you all must have had to be so suspicious

Nope, I've never had the big build up and big let down. I've seen it a lot on MN though.

I've never had a big build up but I have had some amazing surprises from DH, including some he planned months in advance but managed to keep to himself.

It didn't really matter whether the necklace actually existed. The story is a perfect allegory for your life together.

Is that really the life you want for yourself ?

It is not selfish for you to want more for your self. It would only be selfish if you insisted (or tried to insist) on more from this specific man.

Eleanor I haven't had horrible experiences at all! I'm just savvy about certain types of people.

Thanks for your 'insight' though.

I haven't experienced anything close to this, never had a build up to a present at all, but I still think it's a lie. Nothing to do with experience, for me anyway.

Op you've posted about this man before. It's a long distance relationship that you've been unhappy with for some time isn't it?

Why are you still with him? He's not giving you what you need.

It’s an odd story from him and I have to say I don’t really believe it. If true he is a bit of a wet lettuce.

I don’t have a problem with him managing his relationship with a teen and making her needs a priority. It’s a feature of relationships between people who already have children that they come with major compromises. Parents committed themselves to their children when they had them. They have to follow through with that commitment regardless of who and how they want to live.

OP, I think knowing whether she is aware of you and the relationship, and whether she has met you and spent time with you is an important piece of the puzzle here.

If she hasn't met you then I can see how he might have panicked and given her the necklace, rather than have to suddenly explain the situation. If she knows about you and has met you a few times, then I would feel differently.

Is this your first Christmas together? If not, what did he get you last year, and was there a big build up that time?

This is really not about the necklace. Here shows a huge disparity in parenting styles. Given you’re long distance does this relationship hold water for longevity?

She is 15 and has lost her mother, that is horrific. Although your partner was not in a relationship with her when she passed it will have rocked him. He now has to navigate how to parent as both mum and dad so I get guilt must present itself.
I hope he and his DD have been offered therapy to help process all that’s happened. (18 months is still raw grief). Rather than see this as competitive loyalty, imagine this is her needs of pushing dad subconsciously, testing he will always be there for her.
He already said he was going to replace the gift so I really believe it existed. I just think her emotional needs have to be his priority right now.

who's needs come first?

The necklace isn't a "need", but if you feel you have to compete with a grieving fifteen year old, this isn't the right relationship for you.

It's the big build up that makes it look suspicious, add on that now there's a story to explain why OP won't get it, that's why people think he's lying.

15 is still so young. She’ll do a lot of growing up over the next few years. It’s an extremely difficult path your partner is walking, and he probably has no idea how to handle it - why would he?

Can you chat to him about it? Tell him how you feel? Is he defensive?

I have 15yr old. Is in an adult body, speaks with adult words, but inside she’s still just trying to work so much out in life- she’s just a kid!

In a couple of years his DD will have grown up a bit more, and a bit more time will have passed since she lost her mother (it’s still SUCH early days!!) - so if you and your partner can work it out together for the short term, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s always going to be like this....

He already said he was going to replace the gift so I really believe it existed.

This doesn't mean he had it in the first place. Saying he's going to replace the gift, just means he can buy a gift that isn't very exciting, but still get the kudos for the first (imaginary) gift.

I don't believe it happened either. He's a bit of fantasist, a 'future faker' and/or has money trouble. For that reason or some other, he's got into the habit of lying and of concocting elaborate stories.

If he has money, he just buys you another one, a bit different, so as not to confuse his dd.

It being left out, uncovered, is really odd. In real life it would have been in a box or bag, probably stashed away in a drawer.

Ultimately, his bereaved dd's needs always come before your wants.

As you say though, there were different ways of dealing with this - which isn't to say he'd have known or thought of them when put on the spot.

Thing is, why did he need to tell you this story at all? Even if it did happen, you'd have been none the wiser if he'd just gone out and bought a replacement.

I don’t believe the necklace exists.

He’s built it up, and built it up and failed to deliver. Then provided a long winded cover up story that you can’t really argue against because, you know, her mum is dead and basic laws of decency mean we don’t trample on grieving children.

It’s a cover up.

It really wouldn't bother me, he was probably put on the spot. I'd rather she have it if it gives her some comfort. I'd buy my own bracelet if I really wanted one, it seriously wouldn't bother me much.

I don’t believe it. I can’t imagine a 15 year old saying “This necklace represents me, you and mummy”. If there was ever a necklace she was more likely to say “This is pretty, who is it for?”

Does she know about you? They split years ago.

As mentioned I would ask for a photo because it sounded so pretty. I’d be surprised if you ever got one.

the dead mother card 😮

Good to see the milk of human kindness flowing so generously this morning!

Necklace*

If the story from him is true,then yes, it was the right thing he did.

My 15 year old is still struggling with the death of a close relative 5 years on. If it was a parent and only a year or so I can see he would move heaven and earth to ease her grief.

He sounds nice, and deeply compassionate. Don't overthink it, he'll get you something thoughtful when the time is right.