To think people with kids can go out without them occasionally

[Ritascornershop]

My kids are now young adults. I was a SAHM and loved being with the kids. However, on the rare occasion a friend without kids wanted to meet for coffee, I did my best to leave the kids behind. Friends of mine who’ve had kids later, do not seem to be of the same mindset. They all have partners and these attempts at a coffee out always happen on the weekends when neither is working, but for some reason the kids can never be left with any of these men (who, from what I’ve seen, seem sensible decent fathers).

Today I drove for 40 minutes to find friend was there with her baby (aged 1). Baby was bored to death, wanted a nap, it was pouring out so we couldn’t take her for a walk, so after half an hour friend was frazzled and said she’d have to her home.

Also, when babies and kids are there it changes the whole tone of the conversation. No swearing, no talk of sex or romance, no saying your boss is an evil dirtbag, etc.

One friend still brings her kid along to everything and the kid is 13!! Said child is constantly interrupting to ask for more details about whatever I’ve just said. Or make us listen to a poem she’s just made up, or argue with me about why her pet tv show is actually historically accurate (it’s not).

I really, really like kids, truly I do. And kids like me. But can’t their dads ever look after them for an hour or two?

For people suggesting the friend w younger kids brings them so that she can leave early, in this case I don’t think that’s it. She’s always the one suggesting we have coffee and then brings the 1 year old or 6 year old along. The6 year old is not the kind of kid who will sit in a cafe and colour for an hour (both mine would do that), he just bounces off walls and annoys other patrons with his knocking over their coffees and whatnot. So I usually suggest we go for a walk instead.

It feels like she wants to get out but then at the last minute brings the kids. I can’t have her over as my house is no longer baby-proof & she seldom invites me to hers, she always wants to go out.

No idea why the 13 year old wants to come out with us.

I actually had someone turn up to an interview last week with her child (about a year old).

She didn't get the job. In fact she didn't get interviewed.

I actually had someone turn up to an interview last week with her child (about a year old)

Shit happens. Life gets in the way.

Many years ago now we employed someone who turned up with his kid to the interview because his childcare had fallen through. He was a superb employee.

I want a reliable employee. If a person struggles to arrange childcare (it didn't fall through she just didn't know who to ask apparently) for an interview, then it doesn't bode well for the future. This is a role that involves being in the office every day and one of the few that can't be done from home, so we had no qualms about sending her home without interviewing her.

I had no interest in leaving mine as non mobile breastfed babies and don't think it's ever on to insist anyone leaves a baby under 6 months for socialising unless they choose to. I didn't want to myself, so I didn't.

However once weaned yes of course they can be left and of course both parents are equally capable of looking after a child once no longer reliant upon breastfeeding.

Bringing a 13 year old everywhere is certainly peculiar and very inhibiting.

A lot of people who work don't like to leave their young kids at the weekend though, and meeting at lunch time in the week is usually best if you don't want an evening meet up for some reason and work close enough, otherwise the best time is after the children are in bed.

Absolutely OP.

It certainly would never have occurred to me to bring one of my children with me when meeting up with a childless friend or one who's children were older.

Any meet up with people with children of a similar age would have established if it was with or without them.

I had a friend who's DD would sit at the table with us, despite her mother encouraging her to give us some privacy.

I found it very bizarre and would not stay long.

My children would never do this, they would know better.

The conversation is completely hampered by children/teens being present.

YANBU. I stopped hanging out with people like this, ditto ones who cannot go anywhere without their spouse/partner/person du jour along.

I know someone who has never gone anywhere without her child since she was born 8 years ago.

Yes I get your point. I am a single parent and most of my friends didn't have kids when he was a baby. Although I had to take him quite often, I'd try and make sure he was napping/ was entertained with toys/ books etc but I have to admit there were times he wouldn't settle and I had to leave etc. I would apologise and my friends have always been very understanding and on most occasions we'd all have a fabulous time, him being the only child in our group, he brought more joy that pain in that sense. Then I moved closer to home and had way more help from my family, I would leave him in good care and would happily go meet my friends.

Today's parents do seem to be surgically attached to their children until they're 21 and expect others to be fascinated and thrilled by them.

so by the weekend I'm more interested in spending time with him than gossiping about other people's love lives

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook That's a very judgy comment - do you honestly think that adults always spend their child-free time together gossiping about other people? You must have some boring friends!

My last three get-togethers with other parents involved:

A group meal out. Talked about what we'd all been doing, a bit about work, travel plans, theatre, had a laugh.

Tapas with a friend, talked about art and travel; went to see artsy film.

Went to a museum to see a special exhibition yesterday. Talked about the exhibition and how it related to other artists, the time period, etc.

No gossip at all.

Also this weird thing about not leaving with their Dad's...DH and I take turns when we're going out, we're both quite capable of looking after them.

Something would be off if we weren't.

Today's parents do seem to be surgically attached to their children until they're 21 and expect others to be fascinated and thrilled by them

I disagree, in fact Id say its seemingly a race to be the most detached parent, i.e. holidaying without your children, working and socialising to the point of not seeing them in the day, telling yourself happy mum happy baby.

I totally understand not leaving a baby or even a toddler. But a school ages child when there’s a parent at home they can be left with is baffling. Do people not WANT time with a friend - not a colleague, partner or family member - just friendship you can offloaf/moan with/have a laugh with ? One of my friend invites her partner and 6yo everywhere. They came to the second day of a two day hen do and joined in the activity we were doing. Thankfully it was a fun outdoor activity and not pole dancing. Everyone was baffled but no one says anything . It’s like some People think they just love their kids and partners MORE than everyone else lives theirs, and therefore everyone else must enjoy spending time with them too.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 I think she was targeting childfree parents with that particular little snipe about people's love lives. After all, that's all we have to talk about because we not have the full ams rounded lives that parents do

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I disagree. There’s a real trend where I live of literally never putting your baby down. Sling wearing exercise classes and boot camps, art classes where kids are welcome, a local pub got slated on Facebook recently because they were showing a football derby and adults were shouting at the tv and it scared one woman’s small child. Here’s an idea, don’t bring a smal child to a pub on a Saturday to watch a derby ? There’s a real pervasive need round here to make everywhere both child and dog friendly.

I mean not art classes for kids, evening art classes with really distinguished speakers coming in etc for adults of a decent standard. But now with 10 or so kids playing on iPads in the background .

@Leighhalfpennysthigh

Because you have such boring lives, not!

Comments like that say more about the author than the rest of us.

There’s a real pervasive need round here to make everywhere both child and dog friendly.

Around here, that's because it makes more money -- I know our village pub, formerly a rather traditional environment and doing badly enough to have several leasees in the seven years I've lived here, is now thriving precisely because of allowing dogs, and actually targeting families by putting on child-centred things.

Presumably there are significant numbers of people who want to go to places where they can take children and dogs. It will piss off other people, inevitably.

God if I told my ds 12 or ds14 that I was going to meet some friends they'd be horrified at the thought of coming with me.

They'd roll their eyes and say no your alright mum I'll see you later.

Why don't you try and meet up with your friends on an evening? As others have said your friends may not want to leave thier children home at the weekends.

YANBU. They aren’t single parents with no support, they have husbands/partners who can care for the children. I could understand bringing a small baby along who still needs BFing and would probably just sleep throughout but I don’t see why a 13 year old would be dragged along.

Totally with you, op. I see coffee with a friend as a bit of adult company and boring for the kids, anyway

I would definitely leave DC with DH if I could. I can't imagine why a teen would even want to come?

Doesn’t get any better as now my circle of friends have all got adult children and even grandchildren so they turn up with grandchild in tow.

Yes it is nice that they want to offer childcare to their dc but don’t presume that I also want to have coffee and cake with a couple of toddlers.

On the 'why are their husbands incapable of childcare?' - DH is absolutely capable of looking after DS. In fact, he does it quite a bit more than me during the week and he's at home with DS every school holiday, which is one of the reasons I don't go out on my own at the weekend very often, as I know it means he can't do the same, and if he's been alone with a toddler for five days it feels mean to make it six. Again, obviously I'd feel very differently if I were a SAHM and so the situation was reversed.