To think people with kids can go out without them occasionally

[Ritascornershop]

My kids are now young adults. I was a SAHM and loved being with the kids. However, on the rare occasion a friend without kids wanted to meet for coffee, I did my best to leave the kids behind. Friends of mine who’ve had kids later, do not seem to be of the same mindset. They all have partners and these attempts at a coffee out always happen on the weekends when neither is working, but for some reason the kids can never be left with any of these men (who, from what I’ve seen, seem sensible decent fathers).

Today I drove for 40 minutes to find friend was there with her baby (aged 1). Baby was bored to death, wanted a nap, it was pouring out so we couldn’t take her for a walk, so after half an hour friend was frazzled and said she’d have to her home.

Also, when babies and kids are there it changes the whole tone of the conversation. No swearing, no talk of sex or romance, no saying your boss is an evil dirtbag, etc.

One friend still brings her kid along to everything and the kid is 13!! Said child is constantly interrupting to ask for more details about whatever I’ve just said. Or make us listen to a poem she’s just made up, or argue with me about why her pet tv show is actually historically accurate (it’s not).

I really, really like kids, truly I do. And kids like me. But can’t their dads ever look after them for an hour or two?

[BeyondMyWits]

I would take the kids with me for lunch/coffee if
a. I had no one to watch them
b. I wanted to go on somewhere with them after
c. I wanted an easy out... "oh, got to go, little one getting antsy"

a. was quite important for me actually - I would not "waste" a baby-sit favour for a coffee.

I also would not want to spend my valuable weekend hours having coffee. We did the coffee-and-a-catch-up at each other's houses thing till the kids could be left. You obviously value different things than me.My weekend is protected fiercely - my down time with my family.

[FridalovesDiego]

I wonder how long your friend will continue to make the effort BeyondMyWits.

[Bloodyinsomnia123]

I'm glad you've turned a corner, Straycatstrut. Good luck with your studies! And yes, I agree with you. As a mother, you get bombarded with the message that you have to be completely focused on your children because they're only at home for a short time and everything else (friendships, hobbies, career) can be picked up again once they've left home. But a lot of it won't just be magically waiting for you when your kids grow up if you don't keep a foot in the door.

Plus it's so easy to lose your confidence. I didn't make any friends when my DD was small - I'd go to toddler groups but I wouldn't talk to any of the other mums because I'd got into the mindset (courtesy of my own mother) that only bad mothers socialised at toddler group rather than focusing 100 per cent on their own precious child. It was only when DD started demanding playdates that I started taking tentative steps towards socialising. But it's frustrating how all the effort that I'd put into growing from a shy, introverted child to a confident adult, over the previous 30 years of my life, was undone completely in a couple of years. I had to learn to talk to adult friends all over again.

[MaryShelley1818]

YANBU
It would drive me mad!!
I take DS (age 2) out to meet friends who also have similar aged children. If I’m meeting friends on an evening or at a weekend when the other person isn’t taking children then he stays home with Daddy!

[treenu]

I work all week and relish time with my children at the weekend. Like pp have said we go to each other's houses to make it more relaxed.

[crispysausagerolls]

Christ I adore my son but I can’t think of anything more stressful than meeting a friend who isn’t bringing a child alone, to try to have a proper conversation, and taking him along! But I am a SAHM so I am with him all week and appreciate if you don’t see your child all week you might want the time at the weekend. It does totally change the vibe though.

[gingersausage]

@TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead you can’t actually be serious. Are you saying that fathers can only do a finite amount of parenting?🤣 Fuck me are you actually living in the 1950s?

[IdiotInDisguise]

I understand someone not being able to leave a baby bahind, but if there is suitable free childcare available, and the kid is a toddler or older, I really can’t see why the kid has to come all the time. I think is selfish and insensitive of the mother to bring the kid all the time to meet ups without children if there is a father at home that can take care of the kid. I understand one-offs but all the time, no, it is inconsiderate and selfish.

[PurpleDaisies]

Maybe your friends just want their kids to know you because you're their friend?

I’m not friends with their children so I’m not really bothered about hanging out with them.

[Considermesometimes]

Only meet for wine and dinner in the evenings is my best suggestion. This is what we all do now and it works well. You may find that you need other friends with grown up children ready to get their lives back, it sounds like you and your friends are at different stages. They should not feel compromised either, so I would encourage a more diverse friendship landscape, and see your friends with young babies and children for the odd evening. They should not have to leave their babies if they don't want to, in the same way you should not endure 'other people's children' if you don't want to.

We all like evenings out so that is what we do, and it is fun.

[WhereverIMayRoam]

Yanbu. I’ve always worked full time but that doesn’t mean I could never leave my dc with dh to go for coffee or an evening out with friends occasionally. This talk of relishing time with dc and fiercely guarding weekends it all just sounds so ott, as though people are trying to hold back the hordes who would otherwise ensure they never saw their children!

If people truly want “just me and my little family” then of course that’s their choice but then make it clear to your friends that you’re not available. Showing up for what was clearly intended as an adult meet up with your dc in tow is pretty inconsiderate and it’s not ok to allow a friend do a 40 minute drive to meet you only to piss off after half an hour. As for those who bring their dc so they can “escape” early, talk about selfish. Your friends will have gone to the effort of carving out time in their own busy lives because these relationships matter to them, only for you to basically tick the box and then blow them off!

I think Bloodyinsomnia makes a very valid point re assuming friendships can be just picked up again. Often they can’t and I wonder how many of the posters who appear on the regular “I have no friends” threads assumed this.

I also wonder how many of the DHs give up all friendships and hobbies in order to stay in every evening and weekend adoring their dc. Judging by many MN threads over the years I’d say not many .

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

It’s a balancing act. My good friends I see with my DD (2.3yrs) there and then I have dinners/ drinks post bedtime or when my husbands home. I work full time so in no way want to spend my wkends constantly meeting friends and not seeing my child. Equally I can do and enjoy a night out. My friends that have made it clear they want nothing to do with my DC around I don’t bother with anymore.

[Cannyhandleit]

I'm with you! I love my kids but I will happily leave them with their dad or gran at any given opportunity so I can have an adult brew and natter with friends! I am one of the last ones to have kids in friendship group so everyone else has older kids and I bit more freedom where as mine are all still quite young and distracting when you are trying to have a gossip!

[NameChangeNugget]

I totally agree with you

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My dd struggled with separating from me until about the age of 7/8. There are reasons behind it. You sound dismissive of the feelings of mums, who work when you did not. I agree the 13 yo would be better with friends. If you want child free time, suggest a fri / sat evening.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I’ve always worked full time but that doesn’t mean I could never leave my dc with dh to go for coffee or an evening out with friends occasionally.

I take this attitude too, but it is hard to really maintain friendships like this, depending on what 'occasionally' is. I try and do something with friends (during the day - I much prefer evening stuff but everyone else is too tired and into their hygge to go out on a Saturday night, which I do find frustrating!) every two-three weekends, but that means it might be four or five months since I last saw each individual/group of friends. I am worried that some of those friendships are disappearing and won't come back but I am trying my best. One small group of friends are I know pissed off that they 'never see me' because they meet up fortnightly and I only make it about one time in four, but otherwise they'd be the only friends I saw (I never take DS to these meet-ups, they're not suitable for him and I wouldn't expect them to be).

[KristinaM]

Some fathers regard their weekends as their time off paid work to play sport or see their friends . Many will not look after their own children unless it’s a “ special occasion” . Others will do so reluctantly but will punish their partner for days for asking such a thing, so it’s simply not worth all the grief.

Some do such a shit job of looking after their kids ( leave baby in dirty nappy, not feed them or shouting at them for normal behaviour ) that loving mothers avoid leaving their kids unless they have to.

The fact that these men look “ reasonable “ to an outsider doesn’t mean that they are not entitled lazy selfish bastards at home. If they were that easy to spot then women wouldn’t marry / have kids with them.

Dont most women know this?

[saraclara]

I'd manufacture some personal problem next time you plan to meet, and ask if the mother of the 13 year old can come alone so you can talk properly.

[JacquesHammer]

I wouldn’t bring my kid along but I’d turn you down!

[BeyondMyWits]

"I wonder how long your friend will continue to make the effort BeyondMyWits."

Luckily, my friends are just like me - we meet up in the week after work/at lunchtime/whenever is convenient for each of us.

I'll pick up one friend's kids on my way home from work on a Tuesday (it is on my way), pop in for a coffee - with her kids there, I like her, I like her kids - then go home (my kids are older now so don't need pick-ups). We don't see each other at weekends, it is not convenient for either of us. We both make an effort for each other at other times. (same goes for other friends). Different people, different lives.

[IdiotInDisguise]

Some fathers regard their weekends as their time off paid work to play sport or see their friends . Many will not look after their own children unless it’s a “ special occasion” . Others will do so reluctantly but will punish their partner for days for asking such a thing, so it’s simply not worth all the grief.

True, but that is not a good enough reason for the mother to bring a child to a women meet up and removing the opportunity for all the other women to enjoy their time without children and find support on each other.

I have been raising my child singlehandedly after divorce, and for a very long time I couldn’t afford baby sitting. You can still find a way to be with your friends and support them without imposing your kid on them.

In our case, we met up while the kid(s) were at school (quick lunch break on work days, coffee after school drop off on certain free days), invited people for a cuppa or dinner after my son had gone to bed (yeah, it does give you a lot of free time to have your child in a good regular routine), etc.

But bringing a single child to an adult women meet up is selfish and inconsiderate even if you are too weak to find a way to get your manchild husband to act as a dad, rather than a teenager on weekends. The woman also has a right to spend time with her friends off parental duties, not just the dad.

[Greencustard]

Yabu, some people like spending time with their kids so wouldn’t think about leaving them at hole.
Your friend needs a new pal by the sounds of it , you’re rude

Omg, get a bloody life. Parents are perfectly entitled to spend some time apart from their children without being accused of 'not liking spending time with them'. Grow up.

[Settlersofcatan]

Yabu, some people like spending time with their kids so wouldn’t think about leaving them at hole.

Some of those people are dads and might even enjoy some time with their kids at home

[twintwin22]

Agree 100%. The worst ever is if I have managed to get away from my 3 kids for a little adult conversation and I find out one of my friends brought their baby/kid. Totally changes the vibe.

[ymf117]

100% this! I hate it when friends bring their kids of a weekend!

Recently went to a charity quiz night and a friend brought their 9 year old DD, it's inappropriate! Everyone else wants to have a drink and adult chat, not watch what they say!

Some of my friends haven't had kids yet and I won't be sitting down the soft play for a coffee when their time comes, just as I didn't expect them to.

Friendships are so important, if ever DH and I split up I know I've got a good circle of long term friends that would help me pick up the pieces and I'd love them more for it - so long as it's not in the soft play 😬