Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people with kids can go out without them occasionally

111 replies

Ritascornershop · 17/11/2019 21:34

My kids are now young adults. I was a SAHM and loved being with the kids. However, on the rare occasion a friend without kids wanted to meet for coffee, I did my best to leave the kids behind. Friends of mine who’ve had kids later, do not seem to be of the same mindset. They all have partners and these attempts at a coffee out always happen on the weekends when neither is working, but for some reason the kids can never be left with any of these men (who, from what I’ve seen, seem sensible decent fathers).

Today I drove for 40 minutes to find friend was there with her baby (aged 1). Baby was bored to death, wanted a nap, it was pouring out so we couldn’t take her for a walk, so after half an hour friend was frazzled and said she’d have to her home.

Also, when babies and kids are there it changes the whole tone of the conversation. No swearing, no talk of sex or romance, no saying your boss is an evil dirtbag, etc.

One friend still brings her kid along to everything and the kid is 13!! Said child is constantly interrupting to ask for more details about whatever I’ve just said. Or make us listen to a poem she’s just made up, or argue with me about why her pet tv show is actually historically accurate (it’s not).

I really, really like kids, truly I do. And kids like me. But can’t their dads ever look after them for an hour or two?

OP posts:
LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 18/11/2019 06:18

I work full time over four days, and by my Fridays off DS is shattered from grandmas and nursery, so naps a lot. I'm out of the house by around seven and two days a week don't get home until between six and seven, so by the weekend I'm more interested in spending time with him than gossiping about other people's love lives. Maybe they bring their children so they've got an easy reason not to stay too long.

stayathomer · 18/11/2019 06:26

Maybe your friends just want their kids to know you because you're their friend?

SnuggyBuggy · 18/11/2019 06:33

The baby I get, the 13 year old is weird

sandgrown · 18/11/2019 06:37

I used to like a bit of adult time away from my children but I had a husband who was very capable of looking after his children (as he should be) I even went away for the occasional weekend !

FlapAttack23 · 18/11/2019 06:40

1yo fine
13yo I’d be sitting at a different table 😬😬😂

AwkwardFucker · 18/11/2019 06:42

I have a friend who brings her 15yo to every catch up. It makes it impossible to talk freely and actually just downright unenjoyable. I honestly actually have no idea why she does it, as the 15yo is more than capable of being alone. I think she just doesn’t see it as a problem, but on occasion I want to have discussions about raising teens etc without her own there (who knows mine!). She also tells her daughter everything I tell her in confidence. It drives me mental.

I very rarely caught up with my friends with my young kids around, and declined invitations if others had to bring their young kids. Catch ups were done at home where the kid could bugger off to their room or play independently and leave us to chat etc.

Pomley · 18/11/2019 06:45

I agree to be honest. I have fantastic friends (and appreciate how fortunate I am everyday!), and they are over the moon to do things with DS, sometimes. They will come over to see us, we will go out for lunch, to the garden centre etc which is lovely; but there are times when it's so nice just being us without the little one. I ask when we start planning something, and also sometimes I insist on going it alone. It's reasonable for them to not want to leave their children, also reasonable for you to not want to go.

Elderfloweririsrose · 18/11/2019 06:50

YANBU

Supersimkin2 · 18/11/2019 06:50

YANBU. Bores. The parents run the risk of losing their friends.

lioness88 · 18/11/2019 06:52

Tbh I would take my baby with me if I wanted an excuse to leave.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/11/2019 06:52

A 13 year old should be able to be left at home alone.

I have a friend like this, last Dec another mutual friend invited a few of us to theirs for xmas drinks, specifically said no kids as they knew what she was like .... still turned up with her 17 year old Shock

MsTSwift · 18/11/2019 06:57

God my 13 yr old would hate that. She would be with her own friends doing sport or homework. Do find teens that voluntarily hand around parents and their friends when they socialising abit creepy. My neighbours 13 year does when we having our ladies drinks. You can’t talk properly. Go away!

FizzyIce · 18/11/2019 06:59

Yabu, some people like spending time with their kids so wouldn’t think about leaving them at hole.
Your friend needs a new pal by the sounds of it , you’re rude

SerenDippitty · 18/11/2019 06:59

Surely most 13 year olds would rather pull their own fingernails out than socialise with thei

SerenDippitty · 18/11/2019 07:00

With their parents’ friends, that should have read. The

FridalovesDiego · 18/11/2019 07:03

It's because parents (especially older parents ime) think that their baby is just so amazing that everyone actually wants to see their baby. It's weird because you would think older people have experienced boring parents and don't want to replicate. I once had someone say "you haven't even had a cuddle yet" when I had my very own newborn. They weren't interested in mine surprisingly 😂

dudsville · 18/11/2019 07:03

I presume that my friends with children simply don't value that kind of meet up with me anymore. I have suggested meeting up without kids but the only offers were after bedtime which, with travel would then mean a 9pm start. Why is that the only option? Because seeing me isn't worth more. I can accept that.

Straycatstrut · 18/11/2019 07:04

With me I'm a SAHM, been doing it alone for over a year now. I used to have the mind-set that my kids came before my "everything" and used to keep them with me 24/7. If I went out I'd turn it into a treat for them, conversation "them" based. It not only really damaged my mental health being so secluded from the adult world, I'm now anxious and crap at socialising and probably seem either rude and anti-social with all other adults, or very over-bearing and excitable and gobbling up conversation! I also have no work experience or no money since Ex decided to leave us all to it.... and when that happened and I had no one, I spiralled into a very dark place very quickly which affected us all.

Now every 2nd weekend is child free, parents pay for a bit of extra childcare for 3yr old, and I've signed up for work experience & studying full time next year once they're both in school. Time without kids is extremely important, and whereas they do come before other people in my life, time to myself is as important as their time with me, otherwise I turn into a very bad mum.

On the flipside, once I'm at college full time I'll treasure my weekends with my kids soooo much more, but I'll still need weekends free for adult time outs.

AwkwardFucker · 18/11/2019 07:09

Yabu, some people like spending time with their kids so wouldn’t think about leaving them at hole.
Your friend needs a new pal by the sounds of it , you’re rude

This is so weird. Do you not like spending time with your friends? Do you spend 24/7 with your kids? Do you go along with your kids to their friends houses and hang out with them? Confused
Parents are people too. You can actually do both.

Elderfloweririsrose · 18/11/2019 07:09

I think the people exclaiming in wonder at the 13 year old probably don’t realise that it becomes a habit.

If you always take your baby with you then as she grows that’s what you and she are used to. Plus, the 13 year old may be under the impression that the friend adores her.

Ribbityrib · 18/11/2019 07:10

It is odd. I had a local dad out with his kids on a Saturday say 'ooh lucky you what have you done with the kids?' as I walked to the shops on my own. Um, they are 6 9 and 11, I'm hardly going to haul them out food shopping on a Saturday morning when they can stay at home with their dad. Confused

Pinot4me · 18/11/2019 07:14

It drives me mad too! I have a friend that goes everywhere with her 19 year old son!!!
4 of us (women) all met up for lunch recently and she arrived with him...I’m not sure why. We all find it weird. He doesn’t interact. Usually just sits there on his phone. Really makes things uncomfortable. She really doesn’t see it.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 18/11/2019 07:15

I could just b they are using their "get out of baby jail" cards with their partners for bigger events (nights out)

By taking the baby for the coffee meet up they have not used up their "credits" for that. And sometimes it works OK so worth a try

Annoying for you though!

DDIJ · 18/11/2019 07:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Spikeyball · 18/11/2019 07:20

Ds wouldn't cope with being out with me and I try to avoid leaving him just with dh because he is difficult to manage so mostly avoid outings completely.

Some teenagers can't be left alone at all or for long. With mine it is obvious but with others it is not.