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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How close are your parents and your in laws?

146 replies

Lak1115 · 17/11/2019 20:12

A bit random. Not really an aibu so I apologise. But I am interested to know how close are your own parents and your in laws?

Me and Oh been together 7 years, not married but live together, own a house, two DC etc.

Mother in law and my mum have only met a few times. Twice by chance when they bumped into each other, at DD’s christening and one or two other times but that’s about it I think.

They are both too alike to be honest and I Always sense a bit of competition and we tend to avoid them coming across each other for our own sanity. We don’t see either regularly despite they both only live a 15 minute drive from us). Mil isn’t really interested in knowing my mum and will not come over on birthdays etc if she knows my mum will be here but I think my mum would like to know her a bit more.. I don’t really blame mil for avoiding my mum. My mum can be hard work.

But my question is. How close are your parents and in laws? Is this a normal scenario?

OP posts:

Newbie1981 · 18/11/2019 08:38

My PILs look down their noses at my parents. They're so stuck up I can't stand them, but then my parents are a bit hillbilly like (but loveable) so...

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 18/11/2019 12:34

My dm doesn't live in same country as us and in laws but im not sure even if she did they would be that close. They do send Facebook messages to each other here and there.

If my dm lived here they would see each other a few times a year as I like to do 'girls days' with my dd and i include mil sometimes so if my dm was here i would include her as well.

Damntheman · 18/11/2019 14:11

My mum and MIL get along just fine, they exchange xmas cards. But they don't live in the same country so they've only met a few times, there's no competitive edge between them though, for which I am eternally grateful! That sounds annoying OP.

Chlosavxox · 18/11/2019 15:37

I've been with my boyfriend 4 years, live with him and I'm pregnant with his baby - mine have never even met! They're completely different and I know they wouldn't really get along so don't have any plans to meet either, probably will eventually when we get married

annabell22 · 18/11/2019 16:16

My parents and in laws have never met each other.

If they had, that would be odd, as I've never met my in laws either

Been with DH for 9 years and married for 3.5 years. He has met my parents countless times and we have them to stay and vice versa.

Paddingtonthebear · 18/11/2019 16:20

They’ve never met in the 10 years we’ve been together

headshoulderskneesandtoe · 18/11/2019 17:06

My parents and in-laws holiday together and our mums are close friends now. They live in different countries, otherwise I'm sure it would be a case of regular dinners and catchups. They try to catch up every 2 years and are already planning their next adventure.

My mother and MIL are two peas in a pod and I'm really glad they get along and that I've seemingly won the MIL lottery jackpot.

BlueJava · 18/11/2019 17:15

We have been together 23+ years they have met once. They live at different ends of the country though.

Topseyt · 18/11/2019 17:17

My parents and PIL hardly knew each other. They met maybe half a dozen times in something like 25 years. They were always polite and courteous to each other and did seem to enjoy each others company whenever they did bump into each other though.

Those occasions would have been at our wedding, at children's christenings etc.

bigbluebus · 18/11/2019 17:20

My ILaws and parents met for the first time a few weeks before or wedding. They then met at the wedding and a few years later at a signficant birthday party. Don't think ever met again after that - so probably didn't meet for 25 years and both my parents and my FIL are dead.

They lived in opposite directions to each other from where we lived but TBH even if they had lived near each other I don't think they'd have socialised with each other - they were very different people.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/11/2019 17:22

Mine spent quite a bit of time together when my parents were alive. Sunday lunches at ours, bbqs, xmas, they always got on despite being very different.

butmynameisveronica · 18/11/2019 17:23

My parents and my DH's parents get on fine, and that's it... My MIL tends to wind my Dad up, I think because of a simple personality clash (my Dad hates fuss but is quite stubborn and my MIL is very forthright, wants things done her way and if not demands to know why etc...) But then she winds my husband up sometimes for similar reasons!! They hardly see each other. My PIL live about 60 miles away and we don't have family get-togethers very often, which is a shame.

My brother and youngest BIL get on very well; they were quite good friends before my DH and I married.

Samsarina · 18/11/2019 18:15

my DM started talking about BDSM parties. My in laws are very conservative and religious so I think they were slightly thrown

Does your mother know they are religious @mynameiscalypso? If so did she start that conversation to deliberately make them feel uncomfortable? They might be tedious but that's deeply unpleasant.

bubs80 · 18/11/2019 18:18

They last saw each other feb and will see each other Christmas so not close

Talkthirtytome · 18/11/2019 18:19

My in laws live in Cyprus so they only come over a couple of times a year. Sometimes when they’re over my parents will invite them over for a Sunday lunch all together and his mum will send my mum the odd message or well wish on Facebook. We all had Christmas Day together last year. My dad think his dad irritating lol. I would say they are all as civil as they have to be as far as in laws go.

Fredy45 · 18/11/2019 18:24

We've been together 20 years and have met twice when we got married.

They live very far apart so meeting up only likely to be at major family things and we fight shy of those.

It does annoy me a bit - my parent did try to get on Christmas card terms but pil didn't reciprocate so they stopped. When my dad was terminal mil did regularly check in with dh and they made a donation when he died so not totally heartless, just disinterested.

They are the same with dhs brothers in laws too so it's not personal. What is bad though is that for sil and her husbands family they made a huge effort, jointed them for holidays, Christmas etc. When dh called them out in this it's because of 'the kids'. My 2 dds plus the other 4 grandkids of my bills apparently don't count.......

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 18/11/2019 18:48

My Parents and PIL aren't "close" at all. When they see each other everyone makes an effort to be friendly but that's just out of politeness really. They're very different, they'd never be friends if they met in any other context. PIL are very old fashioned, very conservative in their views. My DP aren't like that at all so they stay away from any potentially controversial subjects like politics and just stick to superficial chit chat...which I'm thankful for!

MsJuniper · 18/11/2019 23:08

We've been together 20 years and my PILs and DMum meet probably once a year on average, either family occasions or when visiting. They are always super nice to each other and always make sure to ask after each other but there is a tension. PILs think my family are a bit OTT and mine think PILs are ascetic (DH & I think there's some truth in both of these opinions and are trying to carve a middle way...)

I do actually love my DPILs but I wish they liked my family more and vice versa.

DubiousGoals · 18/11/2019 23:16

They're such good friends they go on holiday together at least once a year. DPILs are coming down for Christmas/NY (they live 400 miles from us) and staying with my DPs.

TeeniefaeTroon · 18/11/2019 23:51

My mum and MIL have been friends for over 30 years, they used to be next door neighbours too. We've all holidayed together many times. It's great that we don't have to spend alternate years with our parents at Christmas. This will be the 22nd christmas we've all spent together. It's great.

dramalamma · 19/11/2019 08:26

My mil sees my mum more than I do! They are great friends but recognise this is unusual - I think it is a spectrum tho and any point in it can be normal

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