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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How close are your parents and your in laws?

146 replies

Lak1115 · 17/11/2019 20:12

A bit random. Not really an aibu so I apologise. But I am interested to know how close are your own parents and your in laws?

Me and Oh been together 7 years, not married but live together, own a house, two DC etc.

Mother in law and my mum have only met a few times. Twice by chance when they bumped into each other, at DD’s christening and one or two other times but that’s about it I think.

They are both too alike to be honest and I Always sense a bit of competition and we tend to avoid them coming across each other for our own sanity. We don’t see either regularly despite they both only live a 15 minute drive from us). Mil isn’t really interested in knowing my mum and will not come over on birthdays etc if she knows my mum will be here but I think my mum would like to know her a bit more.. I don’t really blame mil for avoiding my mum. My mum can be hard work.

But my question is. How close are your parents and in laws? Is this a normal scenario?

OP posts:
unicorncupcake · 17/11/2019 22:31

We’ve been together 18 years and our parents get on well, we have a joint Whatsapp group and send each other stuff occasionally. Our parents met each other about 2 weeks after we got together (came to watch an event we were both participating in) and we were very young then (at uni) so it’s been normal to see parents from the start. They occasionally see each other independently, and send birthday and Christmas cards, and have invited each other to big birthday celebrations and spent Christmas together etc. They are very fond of each other and broadly similar in background etc although PIL are wealthier. I’m very lucky, they are all nice people.

autumnboys · 17/11/2019 22:32

We’ve been together for 25 years, they have met periodically over the years. They get on okay, but live 100s of miles apart, so it was never likely to be anything more than that. They are very different people, too. We have lived near my mum for the last 16 years and she will always try to pop in if she can to see them when they’re down to stay. She will be coming on Boxing Day to have lunch and see them.

PenCreed · 17/11/2019 22:36

They've met twice, but live at opposite ends of the country. We don't live near either of them.

My ILs live reasonably near SIL, and her husband's family also live quite nearby. I know my ILs like them, but think they're a bit OTT about some stuff. As SIL is pregnant, that's going to be interesting to watch - from our safe distance Grin

SweetAsSpice · 17/11/2019 22:38

Only a handful of times. But then they do live in different countries to one another.

However...perhaps this is my broken homeperspective, but I’m marrying DH, not his family.

But when you think about it, the only thing the two families realistically have in common is the fact that their children want to be together/married. It’s good to share in that joy, and wonderful if the relationship extends beyond that and blossoms into a true friendship.

But I think to expect anything other than pleasantries is ambitious!

SweetAsSpice · 17/11/2019 22:39

strikethrough fail Blush

feelingsinister · 17/11/2019 22:44

Ours met 3 times. Once before the wedding, the wedding and once afterwards.

We very deliberately kept them apart with good reason. We only have one loving parent between us now.

It's not that they wouldn't get on but they were very different and there were rifts in my family. My own grandparents knew each other better and met up some christmases or when visiting for holidays and got on ok I think.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 17/11/2019 22:45

ILs met my parents once before the wedding, at the wedding and possibly once after in a 10 year period. StepMIL is desperate to see my dad again. He is equally desperate to avoid this (he appreciates the goodwill but finds her socially demanding - as do I)! Grin

choirmumoftwo · 17/11/2019 22:47

Extremely close in our case as my sister and I are married to brothers so our family is tiny! Only my mum and DFIL left now but they meet every week, talk daily on the phone and of course see each other on family occasions throughout the year - birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc. There are pros and cons to being so close knit though!

Alte · 17/11/2019 22:49

They've met at our wedding and the DC christenings, but nothing other than that. They do basically live on opposite sides of the country though, so it's not too surprising. My mum and MIL often ask after eachother, but that's about it.

Lsquiggles · 17/11/2019 22:50

We've been together 3.5 years and have a 5 month old daughter, they've never met and probably won't until we decide to get married then never again hopefully Grin

Doobigetta · 17/11/2019 23:07

They’ve met twice, including at our wedding. We won’t be repeating the experience. My MiL was quite chippy and spiky with my mum. Mum didn’t notice because she’s a bit dim about that kind of thing, but my husband and I did and cringed. It’s funny because my MiL is normally lovely, but she clearly felt there was some kind of battle going on.

SarahAndQuack · 17/11/2019 23:13

My parents and my MIL have met once (FIL is 'too ill to travel,' though not too ill for all sorts of other things).

MIL rejected loads of invitations but suddenly decided to come visit while we were on holiday vaguely nearby with my parents. She turned up nearly 3 hours late, insisted we drive to her preferred place for lunch, then when we went back to the holiday house my parents had rented, she spent her time casually vandalising all the plants. I mean literally. She just wanted around breaking branches off everything and saying she planned to plant the 'cuttings'. We had to clear up as best we could afterwards and then to pay for the damage.

georgialondon · 17/11/2019 23:14

They've never met. No idea why they would.

AwkwardFucker · 17/11/2019 23:16

12 years here, also never met. Grin

WagtailRobin · 17/11/2019 23:19

My mum wouldn't be a fan of ANY of my siblings' in-laws, so no I definitely do not think it's unusual and like others my mum only crosses paths with the respective sets of PILs when there's an occasion for it, a grandchild's christening or birthday.

LemonPrism · 17/11/2019 23:42

Not married, together nearly 7 years. They've met twice, for about 10 mins each time. They are very different people and so it works for us. They live 300 miles apart and we alternative Xmas too so don't really see any issues arising

Purpleartichoke · 17/11/2019 23:46

We have been a couple for 15 years. We have known one another for 27 years. Our parents have been in the same place at the same time I think 3 times and one of those was our wedding. I’m not entirely sure they could pick each other out in a police line up.

CrumpetyTea · 17/11/2019 23:52

In 15 years mine have met twice I think - once at DS's christening ( at least they were both there for the event but I don't actually remember them talking) and once at a random theatre outing. We haven't deliberately set out to keep them apart but I do think its a good thing- they are very different- different generations really and totally different outlooks (DPs parents are daily mail reading home county tories with very sexist/oldfashioned views - mine are opposite) - I have enough trouble biting my tongue/behaving nicely with DP's parents- my mum wouldn't be able to hold back

dontcallmeduck · 18/11/2019 00:03

Been together 15 years. Can’t remember when they first met but we’ve been on holidays together, they’ve been to each others houses for weekends, meet up for a meal a couple of times a year and send the occasional text. That’s just normal for us as my Great Grandmas we’re best friends, my Grandmas are good friends and my parents get on with my in laws.

Linnet · 18/11/2019 00:30

Been together 25 years, married for 17 years and my parents and in laws have ever met. We got married abroad just the two of us and our daughter, so they weren’t there.

isthewinefinished · 18/11/2019 00:38

Mine meet up all the time. Come together for our DC's birthday / Christmas etc. My PiLs are great. They know the boundaries and after generations of only boys on their side I produced a girl. I'm golden Wink

littledrummergirl · 18/11/2019 00:44

My mil and sil live a couple of hours away. Fil sadly deceased. They visit us every few months and usually meet my parents for a cuppa at some point. We also invite all extended family to the dc birthdays for a meal. They were also invited to my sisters wedding which was lovely.

BeaLola · 18/11/2019 08:19

My DF and my MIL spend every Christmas with us and exchange gifts, my DF gets on with everyone and it's just his way - they chat away about news , life today etc, they exchange Christmas cards and birthday cards . They probably also see each other at our house at Easter snd in summer . They each went to respective funerals of my DM and FIL. They proudly chat about DS - only grandchild on both sides.

I am very grateful to my Dad - I find MIL hard work - he is more easygoing than me !

Rubyupbeat · 18/11/2019 08:26

We get on great with our dils parents. We do Christmas all together (saves my son and Dil having to worry about being fair)
We pop round each others for lunch , go for meals together and also all visit together kids together. This is not weekly or monthly events and all do our own thing with kids too, but we enjoy each others company.
It will work out well for the future, if any grandchildren come along, as it/they will be the only ones on both sides, dil is an only child and my elder son wont have children.

champagneandfromage50 · 18/11/2019 08:34

Linnet same here. My DM lives in another country and the in-laws live 3hrs away. We don’t have the space for a big get together. Never had an occasion where we would get together. We got married after 20yrs in August but that was a rushed 24 hr notice job because my OH is ill. So just us and two friends. The in-laws could have met my mum in September but chose not to. Doesn’t bother me and in truth I don’t want my DM feeling uncomfortable with the inlaws. She is on her own and the in-laws can be highly critical and judgemental. So if we were all to meet I would want my sisters etc to be there too