To feel angry when strangers touch my dd?

[IcingOnTheCake]

My dd is 10mths and it's lovely when people say how cute and pretty she is but why do they feel the need to touch her? People touch her hands, arms and face and i really don't like it. I just want to push them away and shout 'don't touch my baby!', i wouldn't do that of course, i just stand there and feel angry.

It always happens in supermarkets, especially at the checkout. Am i just a grump or is it ok for me to not want strangers touching my dd?

lucym a tattoo? bet that went down well in your house.

i fully understand why people dont feel the need to touch my dd1 and dd2 (18 and 16 years) i dont feel the need to touch them either

Kathy, im not sure what it is you do but surely for people to work with children where there is close enough contact for touching to be happening, these people must be closely screened as in enhanced CRB disclosure etc. I have always understood that unnecessary touching of children is frowned upon in a professional setting. Excluding nursery etc where all of these checks must be in place. I would certainly not be happy for students to be touching my child in anyway as part of their research. But then im not sure i would allow my child to be a guinea pig either.

i dont mind people touching my dd or ds (ds is 9mo and loves everyone) but dd can be shy and a lot of the time will shy away from people, so if shes like that i'll try and distance her a bit.

its the same with family, if she doesnt want to give them a kiss goodbye she doesnt have to, i dont want people to take this as an insult but if i didnt want to kiss someone i wouldnt want to be forced! we do make her say goodbye though, as this is just curtosy (sp??)

eles, she had been threatening to do it for a long time. I dont have a problem with tattoos per se (i have them myself) but i was upset that she didnt give it more thought, as i had asked, and that she didnt wait until she was older and that she had basically had it done for the sake of it It doesnt look terrible but i don't think it is particularly well done and it makes her look like part of the flock.

Lucyellensmum - it's education-related.

They would certainly not be touching children as part of their research. I am just thinking that if you're in any situation where there are children if you've been told not to touch them on any account, it puts you in a very odd situation, firstly because young children are likely to try to touch you, secondly because in any situation with any children, they will occasionally do things that are unsafe (eg tipping back on a chair) and it's weird to have to sit there and let them hurt themselves rather than prevent them.
Eg I had a job once doing educational activities on an archaeological site. If a child had run off towards a hole they might have fallen down (and with the best will in the world teachers do not always manage to control the group) it would have been weird if I was not allowed to stop them (supposing I happened to be the nearest). Equally, sometimes I had to show them where the loos were and the younger ones would naturally put their hand in mine. It would be really weird to draw it back and say 'no, I'm not allowed to touch you.'

I agree with Aloha.

I was in a department store on Friday morning with ds in his buggy (nearly 2). A man of around 50 with learning disabilities spotted that ds had thrown something on the floor, so he picked it up and handed it to ds, smiling shyly. Ds and I both gave him a friendly smile so he leaned forward and ruffled ds' hair, with the loveliest delighted smile on his own face. Ds promptly obliged by beaming back and pointing to random things and naming them, then giving up and resorting to baby babble, quite transparently enjoying this little moment of communication with this man.

I also agree with mp's position.

I just don't have a problem with people touching ds - whether they're homeless, dirty, smelly, have mental health issues blah blah. I don't want to raise my children to recoil from people who look less than perfect.

try living in asia - you'll get people taking photos of your lo as well

hana it is 18!

it is 18 hanflower, but i cannot comment on rights and wrongs of it...i was 16 when i had mine done

Kathy - I think you are right to say never touch a child is too strong. Caution is needed for cultural and safety reasons but to stop it completely is going to far.

Lucyellensmum has a point - if they are doing research on children, you and your colleagues must have been CRB checked so you should be trustworthy to work with children and therefore trustworthy enough to know what is appropriate in terms of touching. I was thinking of doing a child dev. course with a fair bit of research and it was a condition of the course that you had this. If you don't want your child to be touched then you don't volunteer your child for research purposes.

LL - the scenario you describe is extreme, therefore those of us saying we do not mind people touching our children may well, in that instance react in the same way.

Btw until your hissy fit i had not even noticed your first post, so why you are assuming tha anyone is talking about you specifically, i dont know.

I don't like strangers touching me (and had an excellent Killer Stare to deter would-be bump-touchers when PG) but on the whole don't mind people touching or interacting with DS. Unless he objects or draws away from them, in which case I'll Have a Word if they persevere.

But I don't get this idea that tactile people are somehow 'better' than those who prefer a bit of personal space. People who insist on being tactile with resistant others, please bear in mind: you're not putting this repressed person in touch with their emotions when you instis they 'need a hug', you are imposing your wanky opinions on them and should learn to keep your mucky paws to yourself.

hanaflower, it is illegal under 18, so i could cause a problem, but what would it acheive. Whats done is done etc etc.

Kathy, i agree with you re the touching actually. I am aware that this causes some problems for people. My DP used to be taught martial arts by a fransican monk (i know i know ) whom apparently was a really nice guy. He would not allow children to come to his lessons unless accompanied by parents and made parents supervise any contact etc etc for fear of being accused of inappropriate behaviour. A sad world in which we live

LL I wonder whether you are protesting too much

You have gone from people who "have dirty hands" and a woman who "isn't very clean" to a woman who "reeks of urine and shit" and I am having trouble understanding why she is allowed in a high-quality food purveyors such as Waitrose if she is in such a state?

Personally I would be far more worried about her coming near my fruit and veg.

No I wouldn't want particularly want a woman who reeks of shit touching my child but that isn't really what the argument is about, is it?

I have just read LittleLapins post and have to say i agree and wouldnt want someone with such hygiene issues touching my dc. Tbh i dont want any stranger touching my dc in a pinching cheek, oo's a cute boy sort of way.

I dont think it is a class thing, think that is a poor argument and so easily applied to so many differing opinions. I think it is personal choice really.

I also dont like strangers thinking it is ok to pat my pregnancy bump.

Regarding the lady LL is specifically mentioning, as a MH nurse I am aware that often MH issues are coupled with alcohol/drug issues especially in the Mentally ill homeless people. I certainly wouldnt want someone under the influence handling my child.

I've never had a problem with people touching my children - obviously you make a judgement based on lots of different factors and instinct comes into it.

There's only been one time i've objected and that was at a bbq when a drunk stranger asked to hold dd aged 6 weeks - and as she could barely stand up i said no, you're too pissed, you look like you're about to fall over.

The supermarket toe squeezing and hair ruffling is fine, i find it hard not to squeeze a fat baby toe, - but again, it's a judgement thing - a baby grinning and babbling at you is hard to resist. You can usually tell if a mother is not keen on a stranger engaging with her kids, and thats fine.

When dd1 was a newborn, my best friend was an advocate for a man with severe learning and physical difficulties. She introduced him to dd1 and said that he'd never touched a baby before. He went up to her and so gently stroked her from head to toe, then beamed at us.

I was pretty shocked in Turkey where men would come up to us in the street and just pick the girls up, bounce them around, give them gifts. By the time we left we were used to it, and people in this country seemed so distant. I do think if you feel instinctively that you don't want your child to be touched then that's fine - but i personally don't have a problem with it.

The people who prefer not to have their children touched by strangers are not saying they necessarily find the strangers disgusting, dirty, vile or anything like that. Nor are they saying they are wary or scared of the strangers being paedophiles or anything like that.

They're simply saying they prefer it if their children weren't touched by people they don't know. Why that is such a big deal and causes people like Morning Paper to get so very very het up, I don't know.

Your kid - it's up to you what you prefer. It's not up to anyone else, no not even you Morning Paper, believe it or not!

boco, what a good post, although i dont like strangers as a rule touching my dc (which isnt so much of an issue as he is now 7 I remember when he was a baby how i felt and how i feel about my bump being touched. Is personal choice and also dependent on situation.

well said, milkmonitor

Too many generalisations in this here thread methinks. I am definitely working class and am not keen on strangers touching my baby. Nor do I think all strangers are potential miscreants, nor do I plan to raise DD to be scared of everyone!

Mummymagic, to answer your question from before lunch yes, she's blond with a touch of red. Makes sense what you say, it really was done without conscious thought, they'd just wander past and trail a hand over her head.

Shopkeepers would find small gifts under the counter for her, a packet of postcards, a bouncy ball, that type of thing.

I was shocked in Spain with the number of men that just came up to the girls and picked them up or in restaurants brought them sweets or swung them around, plopped them in high chairs etc

we are repressed and obsessed by peederfiles I'm afraid - it's very sad

No Littlelapin I would not want a stranger who I didn't know who "reeked of shit" stroking my children although TBH I probably wouldn't stop them, I've worked with worse

Obviously people they know who stink of urine and shit are fine - otherwise they'd never be able to visit the great grandparents