Aibu nightmare child in dd class

[mussymummy]

So will try to keep this brief, dd was at nursery for 3 years with child, let's call him Bob who physically hurt her and other kids from age 2 when he bit another boy in the face. Nursery did not do enough (they have admitted this since) and the mother keeps making excuses for her darling Bob.
So now they are both in P1 in same class, I did request a class change for my dd but did not happen. He is a nightmare, punching kids in face, at afterschool club he has bitten and kicked one of the workers, his mum still refuses to accept responsibility for him and makes excuses
So this week he told my 5yo dd he was goin to kill her mummy and daddy as we slept. Cue tears, my heart breaking as my dd made me lock every window and door in house as she followed me doing it. She woke 3 times.that night (always sleeps right through) convinced child of chucky was trying to break in.
Ladies what do I do? The mother (aged in 40's with 2 older teenage ds) refuses to do anything about his behaviour because she has already raised 2 sons and there is nowt wrong with them.
I am struggling to know how to handle this. I spoke to the school who told me they have a behaviour plan in place for Bob and the last time I contacted the mum directly it did not go well (when we thought dd had a broken nose after Bob smacked her in face with toy car, there was lots of blood)
Any advice on next steps / how I handle this would be much appreciated

the Bobs of the world get all the resources and attention

You’ve clearly never been that parent who’s had to spend hours on the phone in tears to services all round the place to try and get someone to help your child.

There are not enough resources to help children with additional needs which is essentially why we have kids like Bob. Their needs are not being met, it’s well documented and it’s shit. But if you think that kids with additional needs get all the resources and attention you are wrong.

Thanks @ChloeDecker, I didn’t know that.

By the way I have seen your name on here before and never understood but just binge watched all four series in a few weeks. Brilliant programme!

The right of one child to an education should not be placed above other children's right to be safe in school. Unfortunately, it regularly is. OP, I'd move schools. The current school clearly aren't willing / able to keep your daughter safe, and I wouldn't waste time battling them if I had any other option.

I’d be calling social services. I’d be concerned where this child is learning this kind of behaviour and language. I have a 5 year old and he would have no understanding of this.

I’d also be taking it as far up the school chain as possible.

The right of one child to an education should not be placed above other any children's right to be safe in school

You see, we don’t need to pit kids against each other, they both have needs to be safe and thrive. Clearly nobody’s needs are being met right now, it’s shit for everyone but piling on and writing off a child when no one knows anything about them is awful behaviour.

Not all ‘bobs’ have special needs, some are just little shits.

I’d speak to the mum and tell her the next time her son smacks my child il be smacking her back.
She will soon sort him out.

I’d also call her out in person about her sons shit behaviour, hopefully it will embarrass her enough to actually do something.

Contact the local authority who deal with schools and report this issue is the headteacher and class teacher fail to resolve the issue. I would look at other schools too

the next time her son smacks my child il be smacking her back.
Gosh because that will lead to everyone being perfectly behaved and not hitting anyone won't it!
Whatever is the reason for Bob being Bob, the parents aren't preventing this on their own so they need help.

Is there a local school you’d be happy to move to?

Maybe get GP to support a move to it for your daughter’s mental health.

Good luck

Honestly OP, I would move her. Either into another class, or failing that, another school.
I know a child like this who is now in p4, no diagnosed additional needs, and is extremely disruptive and generally speaking, a nightmare.
The mother can't do anything with his behaviour and has refused to pick him up from school before when called about his behaviour.
The school can only do so much with no diagnosis, and therefore no allocated hours for this child for additional support.

We had a Bob arive in my son's class - violent, abusive and hugely disruptive. The teachers had to regularly chase him around the grounds to try and prevent him escaping. He was in Y1.

Nothing was done, the other children were told to welcome him. When my Y4 daughter (again) told the playground supervisor that my son had been hurt by Bob, she was told "Go away, I don't want to hear tattle tales".

We moved school, - DS was one of 7 pupils who left the year group. Its a small village school with 30 pupils per class, made up of 2 year groups. Then and ONLY then was anything done, as the LA picked up on it and Bob was finally removed.
He went to another school for a taster day, and they flat-out refused to have him. I didn't think you could do that, but they did!

As others have said, I would be raising your documented concerns with the Head each and every time, and ask other parents to do the same. I would also be contacting the LA and SS for their advice, as making threats to kill another child's parents at FIVE is very extreme. I noticed he has 2 older teenage brothers/step-brothers - what are they doing to him, or showing him?

Gosh because that will lead to everyone being perfectly behaved and not hitting anyone won't it!
Whatever is the reason for Bob being Bob, the parents aren't preventing this on their own so they need help

Maybe they will go and get it a bit quicker then and in ops case it’s been going on ages so the mum doesn’t care enough to go and seek the help.

And the reason bob is like he is isn’t my concern. My concern would be my daughter scared shitless because he’s told her he’s going to kill her parents in the night or smacking her hard enough in the face she gets a nose bleed.

I’d speak to the mum and tell her the next time her son smacks my child il be smacking her back.
She will soon sort him out.

Or she'll soon call the police on you.

That's not going to help anyone is it?

the reason bob is like he is isn’t my concern
Why, don't you want him to stop?
The only way to get a child like this to stop behaving like this is to work out why he's doing it. Just thumping him back will not change him and if you think that, I despair.

Dont approach child parents. Ever
I'm sure, despite what they say to you that famiky are very aware of the problems and that the school will be liaising closely.
By all means insist they protect your child. Request that she moved. Insist to the school that she leaves unharmed
But dont confront the parents
And for God sake don't keep calling him a chucky child. he is a little kid.

Poor DD. She has a right to feel safe at school!

I would tell the other parent & schóol i'm approaching the police for advice. And do it. I would make myself the noisy squeaky wheel because otherwise Bob will continue to cause massive safety problems. No child should suffer that!

I would pull my daughter out and consult a lawyer if it's not fully & totally resolved by a date. The extra costs & logistics of your daughter may be recoverable from the LEA or from the other parent . I'd honestly try and get the threat of a legal shitstorm on the parent & school heads. They clearly don't care about legal responsibility so court or legal threats (carried out on) may be the only viable action.

The only other way is to backtrack and handle this informally. Make sure there's no witness but basically calmly and firmly tell the mother that if this little shit touches your DD again you'll exact the same back on her tenfold. Not 1 hair is to be touched or else she gets it 10x. Sometimes dysfunction only responds to similar.

He is not my child. My concern is my child. His own parents should be sorting him out. His own parents can figure out why he’s like he is.

They can go ahead and call the police Aslong as it shocked her enough to take some action and sort him out.

I cannot believe the excuses for Bob on here.. "only a kid"/"Bob is a child just like your daughter".

Fuck off. The DD here has rights that trump bobs problems. This situation may negatively affect her for years! Bob's being failed by his parents and school but why should that override op's daughter being safe?

If he's not safe, he should not be allowed in school.

The only other way is to backtrack and handle this informally. Make sure there's no witness but basically calmly and firmly tell the mother that if this little shit touches your DD again you'll exact the same back on her tenfold. Not 1 hair is to be touched or else she gets it 10x. Sometimes dysfunction only responds to similar.

Jesus, there are some rough as fuck parents on here.

So the OP beats the mother up and what then?

Apart from getting herself and her child expelled from the school, how is that going to change Bob's behaviour?

*I am really too shocked to read about this. OK, I am an oldie,but never did these kind of issues arise in schools years ago, and certainly not with children at this young age, What is going on. Kids of 5,kicking and punching, and threatening to kill someone, omg,

Any kind of so called bullying,,as in a couple of boys fighting in the playground,was soon sorted out by a teacher,but this other extreme behaviour never happened.*

That's because back in the day, teachers didn't have to operate with one hand tied behind their backs. Pupils could be suspended or expelled much more easily. And parents would back the teachers up rather than refusing to admit that their little darlings could do anything wrong.

There also wasn't an automatic assumption that bad behaviour must mean that a child had SEN. I'm not saying that's never the case, obviously, as a lot of children with SEN have a hard time regulating their emotions (that's why my DD1 (10) lashes out at home), but there are clearly others who are bullies and need to be dealt with accordingly.

The extra costs & logistics of your daughter may be recoverable from the LEA or from the other parent
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha.
Ha ha.

They can go ahead and call the police Aslong as it shocked her enough to take some action and sort him out.

And do you really think you're 'ard enough to beat this woman up?

What makes you so sure you'd be able to 'shock her' into changing her child's behaviour at school and more importantly, how would she do that when she doesn't attend school with him?

Oh wait, maybe you could threaten to punch the teachers if they don't sort him out?...

@WorraLiberty - it’s not about being ‘ard’.

It’s about not letting a child beat mine up continuously for years.

I agree with @WombOfOnesOwn . we have a Bob. More than 20 kids have left in the last 2 years. My child is leaving primary this June. We stayed in the school, I think I regret it. We did all the letters to governor etc but it made little difference. I am so sad that the school didn't properly grapple with this problem and allowed it to cause such a mess.