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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be effin’ Furious

152 replies

Jemima1967 · 16/11/2019 17:54

I have a friend and over the past year we’ve become really close... texting most days and sharing a lot of time together... her husband is terminally ill but in remission. Today she said, “of course, when the tumour starts to regrow you will have to accept I won’t be in touch at all for about three months and then once it’s all over I’m not sure when I’ll be back in touch”
I’m a bit gobsmacked because I had imagined that when the time came I would have been some help and support for her... even if it was a simple text message of encouragement every now and then... knowing that at some point in the future I’m going to be blanked (for good reasons in her mind, I know) for possibly 4-6 months possibly longer makes me want to give up on the friendship now...

OP posts:

Besidesthepoint · 16/11/2019 22:05

But it’s shocked me because when I have had family die like this I’ve wanted my friends around, and up until now other people I know who have gone through the same thing have also wanted people around..

Other people might want other things. The best advice I got when my mum was dying from cancer was to turn off my phone and only call back who I wanted to speak to. Sometimes you want to speak to close friends, but sometimes it's easier to speak to people farther away because the conversation is less emotional and more factual and sometimes that is exactly what someone needs to make sense of it all.

JusticeForSandra · 16/11/2019 22:08

it appears most people are ok with the concept that tragedy doesn’t draw people closer but pushes them apart.

you got that completely wrong, most people appreciate that everybody needs to deal with grief in their own way. (and not just grief). If someone needs to be left alone, they should be given that right. Wanting to make it all about yourself is very unpleasant.

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 16/11/2019 22:10

Seems to me that she's trying to prepare you because she values your friendship xx

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 16/11/2019 22:14

I think I'm like your friend. Kids father passed away many years ago. I withdrew. Just how I am. Solitude gives me peace and strength.
Be there for her if and when she needs it and try to understand.

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 16/11/2019 22:23

I have also just lost someone and have valued the support but wanted to withdraw. I let my friends know that I just needed to be on my own for a bit and they have all understood.

I don't know how I feel so I prefer not to have to talk about it. Not just yet.

Original poster

Jemima1967 · 16/11/2019 22:24

Shooturlocalmethdealer
Did you return to those friendships later or just let them go?

OP posts:

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 16/11/2019 22:40

I am struggling to find the right way to put what I want to say. My DH had lung cancer and when he became very poorly again after being stable for a time I only had thoughts for him. I didn't waste any time that could be spent with him on anyone else. It didn't mean I didn't value my friends, just that I valued the limited time we had together more. When he died, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted him, and to make sure the boys were coping.

Be the friend that is just there for when she is ready. She will be at some point. Don't rush her, or force yourself on her. Don't be furious with her, it's really not about you, it's about her and the short time she will have left with the person she loves most. Being a widow is shit. Your whole life changes and to be honest if any of my friends had been pissy with me about not being in touch with them during DH's dying weeks, I would have been hurt but shrugged and let them get on with it, on their own. They would no longer be my friend, because I don't have the energy to expend on massaging anyone else's ego.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but until you are in this crap situation, you don't know how you would cope. Losing any other family member is bloody difficult but losing your spouse is the loss that redefines your whole lifestyle.

HiJenny35 · 16/11/2019 22:46

Yabvvvvvu. You say you understand it's not about you but let's be honest you don't. With what she is going through if she decides after she doesn't want any friends that she had before as this reminds her of her husband and wants a complete clean slate that's up to her. You have every right to feel sad that your relationship has changed but angry, no. Whatever she decides that's her choice.

saraclara · 16/11/2019 23:23

I am fucking angry that it appears that cancer destroys not only the person who has it but the relationships of their loved ones and friends... I am fucking angry that it appears most people are ok with the concept that tragedy doesn’t draw people closer but pushes them apart.

So it's still about you. Mean old cancer taking your friend away for a little while.

And no, relationships between friends aren't destroyed by it. There just might need to be a temporary hiatus during the terminal phase when pretty much everything stops outside the door of the dying person's home. Sensible friends wait patiently until the bereaved person is ready to take up their social life again.

1Morewineplease · 16/11/2019 23:26

How did you ‘forget’ that you’d posted before about a friend with cancer?

Original poster

Jemima1967 · 16/11/2019 23:34

1morewineplease
Because I hardly ever use Mumsnet..
I was pondering how I felt about my friend and an mumsnet email popped up and I decided to use this forum to get some perspective

OP posts:

GreenEyeBlueEye · 16/11/2019 23:35

I think she’s trying to tell you when that time comes she will need space, everybody grieves differently I am the same I grieve in private & put a brave face on in public.

Don’t take it too personally Op, I think she’s just trying to tell you she needs space to grieve alone

VisibleShantiLine · 17/11/2019 07:24

It’s strange how often people make another person’s grief about them. OP, have a read about circle of support. It’s not up to your friend to reassure you. It’s up to you to reassure her. When my partner passed away I was in my mid-20s. Most of my friends were older but they all disappeared. No one supported me. Neither did my family. It was too heavy for them. I often wonder if they ever considered how it must have been for me. I was destroyed. Utterly wrecked. So I could have done with knowing a friend was there if and when I could do with a chat.

If you really want to help her then let her know you’re there but respect her need for distance. It’s not about you.

Do a bit of self-reflection. If you can’t manage to feel any compassion for your friend and instead are “effin’ furious” about what her horrific, horrific nightmare means for you then do her a favour and stay the “eff” away.

VisibleShantiLine · 17/11/2019 07:35

And another thing. Your friend has likely put all her energy into caring for her husband and completely neglected herself for a long time. Do you really want to sap what little energy she can muster away from her? Really? I understand people who haven’t lived this experience can not possibly understand, but realise this. Your life continues more or less the same. Hers has been a rollercoaster. Completely emotionally and physically exhausting. And she can’t ever drop the ball or collapse in a heap because he needs her. Don’t add your need for attention to her burden.

RolytheRhino · 17/11/2019 07:50

yes, I am fucking angry that it appears that cancer destroys not only the person who has it but the relationships of their loved ones and friends...

So you're angry that other people are also affected by terminal illness, not just the ill person?

Isthisforrealwowzer · 17/11/2019 08:17

Yeah sorry never been on here before got a bit confused. Thanks .

MuchBetterNow · 17/11/2019 08:27

You did a deeper hole for yourself with every post op. If you're real, you're the most spectacularly self absorbed poster I've ever encountered on MN and that's quite a feat.

MuchBetterNow · 17/11/2019 08:28

*dig

Actionhasmagic · 17/11/2019 08:28

Yabu

SerenDippitty · 17/11/2019 09:01

Your poor friend. Just tell her you will be there for her if and when she needs you.

dottiedodah · 17/11/2019 09:10

I think she is probably wanting to concentrate on her DH if his illness returns .Grief takes people in different ways really .I dont think she is being unkind to you ,maybe she will want to withdraw as she will need time and space to grieve in private .Maybe you can leave it open ATM and let her come to you when shes ready .

SoupDragon · 17/11/2019 09:12

Except it does neither of those things. Unless you are horribly self centred. You are not important one in the scenario. Your "job" is to let your friend know you will be there if she wants you, not for her to be there for you to support.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 17/11/2019 09:27

You are absolutely unreasonable to be "effin' furious", yes.

I hope you're not actually effin' furious because if you are it's quite intense, and it's most likely an attitude your friend will have picked up from you. She is going to go through a very very tough time. Her energies are going to be needed for her husband and just making it through the say. She does not need the added stress of trying to keep a friend happy too.

My close friend's husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly. I sent her occasional texts letting her know I was thinking about her with no expectation of receiving a reply or acknowledgement. I never got one. But I wasn't texting her for acknowledgement, I was texting her to let her know in her deepest, darkest hour l, when she was completely alone and not wanting to see or speak to anyone, that people were just waiting. Waiting in the background. Ready to come out whenever we were called on.

I cannot even begin to imagine what she went through in those first few years (yes, it takes years to come to terms with it) and I wouldn't insult anyone who has been through it with trite clichés like "I can't imagine how you're feeling"... They don't care what we're imagining. They're living it. And we really are not important in those moments.

My friend, 8 years later, is now returning to herself. It took her moving away to a, remote location, 4 hours away from family and friends, where she could be alone of she needed to, and she could have people visit, or visit home herself if she needed to.

Grief is not the same for any two people. And it is certainly not about the needs or wants of those around the grieving person.

You can still be a support to her. You can send her the odd text letting her know you are thinking about her. But don't expect replies. And don't be effin' furious that you are not getting the communication from your friend that you think you should.

It really is not about you, good or bad.

Pcosmama · 17/11/2019 15:54

This might actually be the most selfish post I have ever seen on here.

Lovemenorca · 17/11/2019 16:06

my husband has terminal cancer and I am grief stricken. He is in remission but it is only a matter of time. I have a “friend” who is actually not a friend at all and I don’t enjoy her company. I suspect that once my husband dies, she will not leave me alone and it will make things so much worse for me. What shall I do?”

Mumsnet: “be straight with her now so that you don’t need to deal with her when times get really difficult. Tell her that you won’t be available when the time comes. If she’s a half decent person, she will understand”

This is how it would be from the perspective of this woman I suspect.

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