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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be effin’ Furious

152 replies

Jemima1967 · 16/11/2019 17:54

I have a friend and over the past year we’ve become really close... texting most days and sharing a lot of time together... her husband is terminally ill but in remission. Today she said, “of course, when the tumour starts to regrow you will have to accept I won’t be in touch at all for about three months and then once it’s all over I’m not sure when I’ll be back in touch”
I’m a bit gobsmacked because I had imagined that when the time came I would have been some help and support for her... even if it was a simple text message of encouragement every now and then... knowing that at some point in the future I’m going to be blanked (for good reasons in her mind, I know) for possibly 4-6 months possibly longer makes me want to give up on the friendship now...

OP posts:
JusticeForSandra · 16/11/2019 18:46

because when I have had family die like this I’ve wanted my friends around

maybe so does she...

saraclara · 16/11/2019 18:47

I saw virtually no-one when my husband was in the terminal phase. I (and my daughters who lived at home) seemed to live in a parallel universe to everyone else's.

Why that would make anyone fucking furious, is beyond me.

geekone · 16/11/2019 18:48

I think you are probably an intense person who needs the friendship space to be primarily about you.

It would seem looking at your post history that you had the same issue with your friend 2 years ago who had cancer also. Maybe these people don’t have the headspace to accommodate your needyness as well as the important things in their life.

From this post alone you would be too needy for me and I have a pretty stable life.

staceyflack · 16/11/2019 18:48

You gave her the perfect response - well done. Especially, when her statement pressed your buttons emotionally. Is she the listener in your friendship? Do you lean on her, turn to her when you need support? I wonder, is she saying I won't be available /you'll need to get your support elsewhere? Hope you work things out.

saraclara · 16/11/2019 18:48

And yes, you're now posting as if you totally understand her, yet when you started out you were fucking furious.
Can you explain why you were SO angry?

bloodywhitecat · 16/11/2019 18:48

I have watched my dad die and I have sat with many parents as their child has died, in all of those cases no-one has wanted much to do with the outside world.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 16/11/2019 18:49

Some people deal with things in different ways. My closest friend knows that when things really get to me I go really quiet. She will text me once a week saying 'hiya, just checking in, no need to reply. Here when you are ready to scream'
I always appreciate that. We text daily usually.
When I was suspected to have lymphoma, she was the only person who understood that I wasn't going to reply to messages. When I finally, after 3 months got the all clear she text me with a 'yay, I am so glad, so tell your Mr we are off out on x date to see x show, tickets booked as I had faith you were ok. Will call tomorrow for a cry so our night is all about relaxing. Love you lots'

My own family were texting daily. It was a pressure I didn't need. I didn't want to be told I was going to be ok, I didn't want to hear about Joe Bloggs down the road had it and he is fine. I just wanted to go into my bubble. A bubble I have spent years building to be my 'safe' place!

I don't think you are selfish at all OP. We as humans tend to step up when things get so so bad for others. Just be aware that some people, like your friend may have a bubble she needs to go into.

I am glad you are venting on here though and not to her. Best way to be a friend is follow her lead.

RedPanda2 · 16/11/2019 18:49

When loved ones are seriously ill you find out who your friends are, she may have found this out before and is prewarning you. Just message back saying it's fine but you will be there for her whenever she needs it.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 16/11/2019 18:50

when she told me I just said “ok, if that’s what you want, but I will always be here for you if you change your mind at any point ..” That was the best thing to say OP so well done for that.

We are entitled to feel the feelings we do. But fury seems like a strange emotion to feel! When I had the toughest part of my life, I just found it too painful to speak to or see people. Family/friends etc I shut out. I can't help it, it's my natural state. Some people think it's unhealthy but I let people back in when I was ready. That's part of being human....we're all so different.

shiningstar2 · 16/11/2019 18:50

Give her space op. She needs to manage things as she feels at the time and that might well change from day to day. It is hard watching someone you love in these circumstances ...and then she will have her own grief and loss to deal with. It's not easy to get it right when we try to support people we love, I know that myself, but what she needs right now is for you to give her whatever she needs be it love and companionship or solitude.

GreyGardens88 · 16/11/2019 18:50

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itsgettingweird · 16/11/2019 18:51

It's not about you!

Perhaps try responding with "I get that you won't contact me as you'll have so much going on. But I will of course contact you and check in with you and you can reply when you're ready"

BMW6 · 16/11/2019 18:52

because when I have had family die like this I’ve wanted my friends around

But OP - everyone grieves and deals with their grief in many different ways! Your friend may be aware that she will want to isolate herself for a while - nothing at all wrong with that, and you have absolutely NO justification for feeling "furious" about her heads-up on this!

Original poster
Jemima1967 · 16/11/2019 18:52

Staceyflack. Thank you! No she’s been leaning on me quite a bit - it’s give and take mostly.. which is why I was so shocked that she was “planning” to react like that..it seemed so cut and dried.

OP posts:
Justasconfusedwithnumber2 · 16/11/2019 18:54

Wow. Not at all self centered. She's letting you know she can't maintain this level of texting because she will be putting herself first. And rightfully so. Give her a break OP, this is not about you...

BatEaredFox · 16/11/2019 18:59

You're over-reacting. Massively. You can't expect or decide what your friend will or won't need, it's not personal that she won't need you.

Sounds like she will need space from you and is kindly letting you know. Maybe you're a bit too intense/needy, in her view?

BraveGoldie · 16/11/2019 19:02

Op, I think she may feel she does a lot of supporting of you, so while she may well value your friendship, she also finds it draining. I think she is warning you that she will not be able to play that role while her husband is dying, and she does not want you to expect it or be shocked when she isn't there for you.

It does not mean that she doesn't value your friendship, but that your friendship will take energy she won't have - very understandably.

Your internal reaction to what she says does suggest that you need a lot of reassurance about your value, and when she is already caring for her dying husband and trying to grieve she will have no capacity to sustain you also. Please absorb her warning and be extremely careful not to rely on her or have expectations of her during that time. Even simple things like telling her you miss her, or phoning her often to 'check she is ok' and tell her you are worried about her, could feel like a burden - especially if your friendship has a history of needing support. The best friend you can be is to have no needs, no expectations of her, and assure her in advance you will be fine and that absolutely whatever she needs to do is totally fine and you support her.

If you don't already have it, I would start building a support system now, so you have other people you can turn to for help and friendship.

MsRomanoff · 16/11/2019 19:04

OP you have had 2 friends dealing with cancer, move away from you when struggling or when it gets bad.

I am guessing you arent as good with the support as you think.

Thisnamechanger · 16/11/2019 19:05

You're "fucking furious" that someone will be focussing on their terminally ill husband when the time comes? Really??

This. You sound mad.

Ferretyone · 16/11/2019 19:08

@Jemima1967

Please as others say and think of her. Be there for her if she needs you.

It's one of the things that I often wonder ... is it better to know of an approaching death? Or for it to be sudden?

And what would we give for 5 minutes more? Sad

1Morewineplease · 16/11/2019 19:10

Like others, I’m a bit stunned by your post. It sounds like your friend is asking you to back off while she goes through losing her partner and may want to have time ,afterwards, to come to terms with this, maybe on her own.

People react differently at such difficult times.
It sounds like you feel that you ought to be part of this time of your friend’s life as a well-meaning support and it may well be that you’re feeling a bit miffed that she doesn’t want you during this very sad journey.
I don’t think that your choice of words “effing furious,” is a good choice. It sounds like you’re the one who needs the drama.
Leave your friend be... she’ll come back to you when and if she’s ready. Be a true friend and accommodate her wishes.
Just hope she hasn’t read your post!

saraclara · 16/11/2019 19:11

You just seem put out that the role you seem to have wanted for yourself isn't going to exist. Which is selfishness of a quite stunning level.

Stupiddriver1 · 16/11/2019 19:14

She’s understandably thinking she will need to focus on her dh. Doesn’t mean you can’t send texts of support, but she’s letting you know she may not respond. A good friend would understand that, not be “furious “.

Josette77 · 16/11/2019 19:14

One of my close friends whom I've known since I was 12 just died after a brief struggle with cancer. Not only did her and her family (dh and 12 yo dd) isolate during her 6 month battle understandably. I can't imagine what they went through. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. I was very lucky she sent me an 'I love you message' a couple of weeks before she died. She only passed a week ago but I don't want to see anyone. I've been leaving early for school pick ups to avoid walking with friends. She wasn't my dh/dw but I am heartbroken and want to be alone. You need to give her whatever she needs. She is going through hell. Complete hell. Not everyone wants people around during grieving. We are all different.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 16/11/2019 19:16

Oh gosh, when I was slept on the chair, beside my dying husband for six weeks, I forgot to factor in other people. When I had to wait for a family member to come in, before I could go to the loo or shower, I should have been texting friends. When I had to call the staff every hour in the hour, when my crying husband’s bowels bled out, I should have taken the time to text my best mate. When I was lying curled up on the kitchen floor wondering what was making that wailing sound, only to realise it was me, I should have been checking if my chum was ok. When I was suicidal and got the nasty email from the woman who was dating one of his many friends because I hadn’t taken time out to tell them I had lost my husband and her boyfriend friend was upset, I should have hung my head in shame.

No, OP, you’ve absolutely no idea what this woman is going through, until you’re the one to physically nurse, wipe up the shit and blood from and emotionally support your dying husband/partner or child. Stop making it about you.