To be effin’ Furious

[Jemima1967]

I have a friend and over the past year we’ve become really close... texting most days and sharing a lot of time together... her husband is terminally ill but in remission. Today she said, “of course, when the tumour starts to regrow you will have to accept I won’t be in touch at all for about three months and then once it’s all over I’m not sure when I’ll be back in touch”
I’m a bit gobsmacked because I had imagined that when the time came I would have been some help and support for her... even if it was a simple text message of encouragement every now and then... knowing that at some point in the future I’m going to be blanked (for good reasons in her mind, I know) for possibly 4-6 months possibly longer makes me want to give up on the friendship now...

pipandmum - thank you.. this is what I was thinking too..

You're "fucking furious" that someone will be focussing on their terminally ill husband when the time comes? Really??

Yuck.

Adjustment and grief affect people differently. She is simply preparing you that you will not be her no. 1 priority when/if her DH becomes more ill again. Sounds like a good friend.

Be a good friend back and say, I will always be here for you when you need me and I will send you supportive messages without a need for response. Just know I am here for you.

And then don't have any expectations. It is not about you, I'm afraid.

I’m fully aware that it’s not about me... that’s why I’m here rather than talking to her about it.. I want to get my feelings in order and react in the best was possible to her..

I think being furious over anything like that is frankly ridiculous! Added in that she is going through one of the worst times of her life, you sound incredibly petulant. Do you have few friends generally?

Have you watched a loved one die from cancer?

I’m fully aware that it’s not about me

Okaaaayyyy..

OP you seem to be slightly back-tracking from your post title which states that you are 'Fucking Furious'. You can be a bit hurt or baffled but how on earth are you fucking furious?

It's a strange response from her, it sounds almost like she is purposefully planning it rather than a warning- but she probably means it as a warning, so that you will understand and hopefully not lose the friendship with her. I imagine her head's all over the place.

But tbh the fact you have said you feel it's not maintaining the friendship with her now seems like you don't value her all that much. When her husband dies she will need friends more than ever when she is ready to talk.

I feel so sorry for that poor woman, who has to go through hell with a husband AND is being surrounded by drama "friends" like that. It's not fair.

It's normal to be self-centered, we are all human, but come OP, the man is dying. If you look for drama in your life, you need to find it somewhere else.

She wants to grieve privately. Give her space and let her know you are still there if she needs you.

Bloodywhitecat- yes.

Wow. YABVU and really selfish.

She's giving you a heads up that she's aware the death of her DH will be all consuming and you feel anger and make it about you? Really!

I do struggle with relationships

Surely not...

Justice for Sandra - she is not aware of any drama - I came on here so that I would have somewhere to express that without her knowledge.. all she’s had from me is what I wrote above ...

for good reasons in her mind, I know So losing her DH to cancer isn’t a good reason in YOUR mind? With friends like you, she doesn’t need enemies. Could you be anymore self centred or selfish?

AnneLovesGilbert - that’s why I wanted other people’s views...

I think you should give up on the friendship now. The last thing she needs when she is looking after her husband is a grief vampire making it all about them.

she is not aware of any drama

the thing is, you probably massively underestimate how you can come across- our first reactions tend to be a lot more obvious to outsiders than we think. So I wouldn't be very surprised if she had guessed a lot more than you realise.

Blame the shock of imagining the worst for her husband and move on.

Just try to picture YOUR reaction if someone was making a terminal disease scenario of one of your loved one about THEM. You'd think they 'd gone nuts!

What did I just read? How can you be 'fucking furious' that she is prioritising her terminally ill husband? Come on.

Maybe think about that one again and give her the space she needs. I'm thinking her saying it now is because you're being too intense at this point.

My view is if my beloved husband was dying anyone who felt they could be “furious” about how I planned to deal with such a life shattering event could fuck off and had no place in my life.

I’m sure you don’t mean what you said, that would make you appalling, but people are going to reply to what you said. They don’t know you other than what you’ve written.

Iamwaggingbrenda - what I meant was - in her mind isolating herself at a time like that is a good idea... I under that’s what she wants.
But it’s shocked me because when I have had family die like this I’ve wanted my friends around, and up until now other people I know who have gone through the same thing have also wanted people around..

Not about you ? Maybe you haven't actually been supportive . Likely talking about you . Like your post