To be effin’ Furious

[Jemima1967]

I have a friend and over the past year we’ve become really close... texting most days and sharing a lot of time together... her husband is terminally ill but in remission. Today she said, “of course, when the tumour starts to regrow you will have to accept I won’t be in touch at all for about three months and then once it’s all over I’m not sure when I’ll be back in touch”
I’m a bit gobsmacked because I had imagined that when the time came I would have been some help and support for her... even if it was a simple text message of encouragement every now and then... knowing that at some point in the future I’m going to be blanked (for good reasons in her mind, I know) for possibly 4-6 months possibly longer makes me want to give up on the friendship now...

I seem to be interpreting your post differently than others

I thought she was telling you "I'll take your help now, but when I don't need it, I'll be gone from your life and won't ever be helping you out."

in which case, I totally see why you'd be upset.

Op I suspect you don’t have many friends and this relationship meant a huge amount to you as one of your first proper friends

I also suspect she wasn’t actually particularly invested in the friendship at all and is just being honest with you

I wasn’t like that when my grandad died 2 years ago, I actually turned my phone off for near a week because I didn’t want to see or hear anyone. Everyone deals with grief differently, when your grieving (and she may have already started as she’s knows he’s going to die) you’re not thinking about other people’s feelings, I know I certainly wasn’t and that may have offended some people, but my real friends understood and allowed me to have that space without causing any drama, still to this day I have never talked to my friends about my grandad actually dying (yes I talk about him but only the good memories) and I don’t know if I ever will talk about it, maybe your friend is the same maybe she’ll change her mind, just give her the space she obviously needs and she’ll talk to you if she’s ready.

Its a tricky one. My DH has two cancers and we have had a terrible time since his diagnosis in July. With multiple investigations, operations, major surgery, complications. I had no time for anyone apart from him and my kids. I managed to see my friends at the end of August and even then I had a message from his hospital bed and felt guilty that i went out. The whole thing is all consuming. Your friend is having breathing space now he is in remission and is waiting for it to return. Imagine living knowing your DH is going to die of cancer and living for every moment that he is alive. Having now lived the cancer journey it truly is all consuming, it never leaves and is like a dark cloud over everything. Dont take it personally and if she says she is likely not to be in touch I totally understand what she means. Doesnt stop you sending her a message, I really appreciated getting messages from friends and family...

*was

I’m so sorry champagneandfromage50. Grab every moment, even the sad ones, because they all mean so much.

It means you are overstepping the mark now messaging her too much and sge is building up to making the break but giving you warning

I agree.

I'd completely back away OP.

The wording of her message comes across quite harsh, but it's no wonder considering what she's going through at the minute. I can't even imagine.

Don't make this about you. Accept that she probably didn't mean for it to come across 'badly' and was just letting you know she'd be off the grid when things get tough and she's grieving. Be polite and give her the space she's asked for. Let her know she's welcome to contact you at any time, but you'll give her space.

She might change her mind, but just let her cope with it how she sees fit. Don't make her life worse over it. You can easily get over your feelings on this within a day or two- there's no point upsetting her further when you're going to be giving her space anyway.

Sounds like she’s trying to take a step back now, for whatever reason. Give her space.

@MrGsFancyNewVagina I hope you’re doing OK now

I'd leave her to it OP and spend my time developing other friends and aquaintances.If she wants to get in touch later on then you can see how you feel then.
I think shes telling you now. I'd let her family support her.

My DF died when I was pregnant with DC3 and I and the children took a massive backseat with my own DM. Plus any other time he was ill and needed her.

That's normal. I think you're being incredibly selfish.

It must be hard thinking you’re going to lose a friend but I gave to say if that was my partner I’d probley want to shut myself away I think you need to just be there for her when she /if she asks for it . I don’t think anybody could imagine what she’s going through .

LittleTopic On the surface I’m a successful business owner and I am happy, but am wise enough to acknowledge that I will never be as happy as I was before. Thank you.

underneaththeash that mus5 have been incredibly difficult for you and you sound like a wonderful daughter.

@Lovemenorca Wow that's quite the leap you've made there...

She's only pre warning you incase you are wondering why she's not contacting you. She will be caught up with her dh and won't want the worry of people chasing her down to talk.

Of course she could change her mind and need you more.

When facing death, and speaking from 1st hand experience here as I'm dying, things are cut and dry you become very matter of fact. Of course those around you feel the sadness. Lots of people will tell others not to fuss but people do as it's human nature, we all want to be needed.

I've people coming out of the woodwork, ringing every day, making big plans for days out, wanting to come and stay. Texting, then phoning when I don't answer, I've a sister who phones, texts 5 mins later, phones again to ask if i got the text, then texts again. I've a sil who feels she should spend 4 days a month here for drinking sessions and making fucking bucket lists. You know, sometimes i just want to put my feet up and watch real housewives.

What I'd do if I were you is say, I'm always here for you ring, text when you need me, any time of the day. No matter what you want I'll wait for your lead and respect your wishes

Lipz There are no words that I can say to give you comfort. I’m just so sorry.

MrGsFancyNewVagina thank you for your kind words. Sorry about your DH too....I have already had the 'vampires' I call them demanding information, can they visit, how is he, getting annoyed when I dont immediately respond, there not even family or close friends. I have had people try and suggest they come round to give me a break. There not our friends or family either! brings out the worst and best in people. But we are trying to just live...at the minute getting my other half to take his tablets and his fortisips drinks is my daily battle never mind messaging anyone!

She'll be devestated by grief, there's no telling how she'll feel so she's just letting you know not to expect much. I was in shock for a year after my Dad passed OP. After diagnosis his terminal illness was 5months of no quality of life at all, then he passed. Its so annihilating. The whole year after , is a blur, A friend a year later mentioned a fairly huge news item & a massive popular film, both just after he died & I didn't know/hadn't registered either . Retreating, which I did, is a really common stage of grief.

I think she’s better off without you as “support”.

I haven’t gone through anything like your friend has but anytime I’m having a hard time I also want to just focus on my immediate family and shut myself off from the world including friends.

I just don’t feel like good company when it’s times like that

I feel like the way she worded it is a little brutal but she’s probably over whelmed and will need space. Just try and be there for her as much as possible, whether she asks for it or not x

Your reaction of fury is deeply concerning. It indicates this friendship is critical to you to an extent that sounds unhealthy, her words indicate she realises this and is trying to pre warn you that she intends to pull back so you can mentally prepare yourself to not have her there for you during this period for her.

I can't find your previous posts (can someone help me, I'm a nightmare )

But having read previous posts and that you've had a similar situation before..
And that you're not great with relationships. I would also hazard a guess that you're not very good at supporting. And maybe the other person feels like they would be supporting you or checking up on you.
I have a friend like this. Its draining and not fun and sometimes she is so much.. effort when I've got my own issues.
I would maybe use this time.. text her once in a blue moon, remind her you are there.. and work on your own issues.

Yea admittedly it's the kind of thing I'd have written to friends if my husband was dying. Its perhaps poorly phrased but shes in the thick of an emotionally difficult time and I think what shes trying to say is that she may end up walling herself off from everyone after her husband dies to give herself that space to grieve. I would want the same if my husband died. I would want to be completely left alone for as long as I needed and I wouldn't want to worry about my friends feeling suddenly cut off so I'd text them in advance to warn them that may happen and that I cant give them a timeline as to when I'll feel ready to rejoin normal life again. If I were you, your text response was perfectly fine and I'd leave it it at that and continue to support her as you have done. That would be what a true friend would do. You will find then when shes ready she will reach out to you again. Feeling put out that she needs that time when it's not your husband dying is definitely not being that true friend. And I think if you were to voice that to her, prepare for the friendship bridge to be burnt beyond repair.