To be effin’ Furious

[Jemima1967]

I have a friend and over the past year we’ve become really close... texting most days and sharing a lot of time together... her husband is terminally ill but in remission. Today she said, “of course, when the tumour starts to regrow you will have to accept I won’t be in touch at all for about three months and then once it’s all over I’m not sure when I’ll be back in touch”
I’m a bit gobsmacked because I had imagined that when the time came I would have been some help and support for her... even if it was a simple text message of encouragement every now and then... knowing that at some point in the future I’m going to be blanked (for good reasons in her mind, I know) for possibly 4-6 months possibly longer makes me want to give up on the friendship now...

I had a friend like you when my mum was dying. I spent every day at mums bedside for three months, when I wasn't with her I was driving to her, home from her or sleeping. I barely had time for DH and the DC. I only worked two hours a day.

My "friend" was apparently very disappointed that I wasn't up for her coming round to mine of an evening so I could cry on her shoulder. She very much saw herself as my rescuer. I didn't want recusing, I wanted to see my mum and sleep.

In the end she was so supportive that she didn't even bother coming to mums funeral and hasn't got in contact with me at all since mum died, nearly two years ago. Not once.

Advance Search is your friend...........

To say OP has form is an understatement.

Must add your forum title of "effing furious" is pretty crass considering what your friend is going through emotional upheaval wise. It does make you come across as very emotionally selfish and immature.

@Namechangeforthiscancershit Hey, your post stuck with me. Are you okay?

@bluebeck got it, ta

It's one of those times where I genuinely hope the OP is a troll and the whole posting history is entirely made up.

@jemima1967 - apologies for my last post. I did advanced search and saw some of your posting history. What I said then felt unkind given how you struggle in maintaining relationships which you have been open about.

If this woman you speak of is the same woman as the one who you say is diagnosed with cancer (perhaps you changed the story to her husband for anonymity) then i would say, sadly, she doesnt appear to want to be friends with you. And I know it's hard as it appears you used to be close and I expect you want closure or answers as to why she has suddenly chosen to detach herself from you - but you cant go and confront her because shes got terminal cancer. Its tricky. But if I were you, out of respect for the friendship you cherished before, I would leave her and give her the space she wishes. Maybe then she will return to you of her own accord and you can then say to her you felt she wanted space for you and maybe then finally be able to find out as to why. I feel bad for you OP. But dont let this experience dishearten you and try to find other friends.

Its already been said really. Imagine being consumed by the pain and strength she needs to carry through at possiblity of losing husband.
Maybe she's just trying to be clear and letting you know as like youve said, a lot of back and forth keeping in touch atm.
And maybe, shes also letting you know not so clearly, that shes scared and she knows shes not going to have time for herself and she is dreading it all.

I do think letting her know you'll be there by helping in xyz ways when she wants. And that you're here for her and care for her and you understand the different needs she'll have when time comes.

Isthisforrealwowzer
bit harsh!

You are factually correct, but you could be more diplomatic about it!

And you of course replied “however you need to deal with this is fine by me, but if and when you need me I’ll be here” which is, obviously, the only response needed

@Isthisforrealwowzer

Did you get a PM or a pop up? because the option to 'stop watching this thread' is an MN option after you've clicked 'watch this thread'. If it wasn't a PM that appeared in your messages with OP as the sender, it was simply a blip on the site, and not from the OP.

I totally agree with you both , sorry she sent me a nasty childish message to stop watching her thread and turn my notifications off . I’d never have wrote something like that otherwise . So clearly in books not a very nice person

*my

If it were me i would probably be the same. I have friends but only a couple i would want to be around at a difficult time. It's not personal in that I don't like all my friends it's just there's only a couple i would want around me

I think that's an odd thing to say and to present as a ready-made decision. I could understand her saying, "I'm not sure how I'll feel when my DH gets worse so just to let you know I might not be in touch as much as I have been" or something, but to more or less give the friendship a shelf life based on her husband's state of health does seem a bit weird. Maybe something's got lost in translation between her message and the OP.

Jemima1967
seriously, it's not on.

sorry she sent me a nasty childish message to stop watching her thread and turn my notifications off . I’d never have wrote something like that otherwise . So clearly in books not a very nice person

@Isthisforrealwowzer
That's not what you said on the toher thread, where you posted this:

This was the message bloody cheek 😂😂
Someone has posted on the following thread

Check it out here:

Parents gave my sister money for house deposit

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That message is a Mumsnet one, and wasn't from the OP of this thread.

YABU you're not a friend!

:54MrGsFancyNewVagina

Lipz There are no words that I can say to give you comfort. I’m just so sorry.

Thank you that means alot x

I’m hoping this is not a troll thread
When you are grieving ie having just lost someone or waiting for them to die you need all the genuine help you can get
And yes selfishly it’s all about you at that point
I’ve just lost my DDad and can’t tell you how much I’ve appreciated the support
I walked down the aisle at his funeral yesterday and saw (unexpectedly) 2 people I work with - one of whom had met my Dad once and the other hadn’t but had lost her DM recently - them attending n their care n love for me so so helped me through the day

I don't think she's being U or a bad friend at all. She is saying that at a certain point she is likely to need to concentrate solely on her sick husband and possibly on other bereaved family members (you don't say whether they have children, or whether her husband's parents are alive). And some people prefer privacy or being just with family when someone close to them dies: I know that in such circumstances I really wish to avoid condolences and well-intentioned support and social gatherings related to the death as much as possible, except from people who really knew the person who died, though I may be unusual. However close you are to this friend, you aren't a family member, and it doesn't sound as though you know her husband well. It sounds as though she was trying to warn you that she might not be available for a certain period, and that it didn't have anything to do with any negative feelings toward you. She could probably have expressed this more gently and tactfully, but her husband is dying, and she's probably almost out of her mind with anxiety and anticipatory grief. I don't think it would be fair to drop her as a friend, but just be sensitive to her cues.

When my friends partner passed away, she went off the radar for a couple of months. Every few weeks I just text her saying that I was there if she needed anything and that I hoped she was ok.
When she was ready she replied and said she was glad I had been thinking about her and it helped. She just wasn't ready to talk about it.

'I’ve just lost my DDad and can’t tell you how much I’ve appreciated the support
I walked down the aisle at his funeral yesterday and saw (unexpectedly) 2 people I work with - one of whom had met my Dad once and the other hadn’t but had lost her DM recently - them attending n their care n love for me so so helped me through the day'

I'm very sorry about your loss.

I know my reactions may be unusual but tbh, when my parents died (many years apart) I found it very hard to cope with expressions of sympathy from anyone who didn't know me AND them very well, and in fact very much appreciated the help of a relative in taking the sympathy messages and asking them nicely not to contact me directly about it for the time being., though I would always appreciate continuing with our friendships as normal. Perhaps because of my relative's help, I did not lose any friends as a result on either occasion.

I had completely forgotten I’d posted on here about my friend from two years ago... she did make it and is in remission... I will admit that I found it very hard when she shut me and everyone else out of her life..perhaps this is what has triggered such a strong response in me this time around...
There are a lot of people on here making assumptions about all sorts of things... most of which are not true.
I want to thank those who actually read what I wrote and realised that I was using this forum to vent my (very unreasonable) feelings precisely so this friend of mine would never have to deal with any of my shit.

Of course my friend has my support if or when she needs it..

and yes, I am fucking angry that it appears that cancer destroys not only the person who has it but the relationships of their loved ones and friends... I am fucking angry that it appears most people are ok with the concept that tragedy doesn’t draw people closer but pushes them apart.