To do this when we go out for dinner

[octoberstorms]

Having a Christmas meal out with some really good friends. (We are all aged 20-22) Slightly complicated as we can only go to one location nearby a friends house as she's just had a baby and can't go far.

I have an eating disorder and am really really restricted on what I can eat because of it (currently in therapy) am also a vegetarian. Restaurant is a steakhouse which has no vegan options and only veggie options involve halloumi (which I hate!) and I don't like any of the accompanying foods.

I've mentioned this to my friends but as one person can only do this location due to baby they've said we can't go anywhere else unfortunately.

It's an early dinner due to the baby at 5pm so AIBU to go along and have a glass of wine/maybe a dessert then have something to eat when I get home or will I look silly?

Just meet with that person separately OP.

If you let yourself be treated as the odd one out it will start affecting your confidence and the way you are with other people.

Also, learn to drive and then don’t give them a lift!

@OMGshefoundmeout this is exactly correct.

I have a group of 6 very close friends. We have been friends for 15 years. One of the women has an ED. We love her, and we want her to be happy etc but we absolutely do not take her into account when booking restaurants, for all the reasons you’ve mentioned. It doesn’t mean we don’t care, or aren’t sympathetic, or think she’s fussy.

Thank you so much everyone for your opinions, advice and support. Here is my game plan:

I will be going to the meal as I've been looking forward to seeing everyone and I don't want to lose them all over this one thing (but I have been given some food for thought by some lovely posters about what being a good friend means!).

I will have a glass of wine and a dessert and happily engage in conversation and just mention if anyone asks that I didn't like the menu but I told everyone in the group chat.

Then have a nice dinner back at home and hopefully not lose my friends over this! Maybe next time they will consider my circumstances a little more?

For a group of 7 20-22 year olds, one with an ED, one with a new baby, and I am sure the others all with their own troubles, I think you have the potential for a very supportive lifelong friendship group. It would be impossible to please everyone perfectly with every activity that is arranged.

Don't overthink it. Go to the meal, have a wine, have a dessert, and enjoy talking and listening to each other.

I am 20 years older than you and have friends I made at your age... it is all about compromise, give and take. Your friends will grow over the years, you all have to be there for each other in different ways at different times.

Very sensible update OP. Hope you enjoy yourself

Just to clarify none of the friends (but one) actually even knew I had an ED before this came up. They just knew I was veggie. I have never made a fuss about a restaurant before and always eat in front of them so they had no reason to feel they 'always' accommodate my eating disorder.

OP, I wouldn’t let strangers on the internet wreck your friendships wih these people. It might be all about the new mum, which as a one off is fine.

I agree. And a bit of self-centeredness over a Christmas meal doesn’t mean they they don’t like you.

They will have noticed you have very restricted eating OP.

@Derbee Thank you! I hope so, at least I'll get to dress up and get a more expensive glass of wine than I usually do since I'm not having a meal 😂😃 every cloud!

Just to clarify none of the friends (but one) actually even knew I had an ED before this came up. They just knew I was veggie. I have never made a fuss about a restaurant before and always eat in front of them

Even more reason why this restaurant choice isn’t personal, and isn’t demonstrating they don’t like you or want you there!

@TatianaLarina Maybe but I wouldn't have thought so since I eat pretty normally and am not obviously underweight. When we go for coffee I have a cake sometimes like them and always have a two courses at a meal so I don't think it sticks out too much?

@GetUpAgain Thank you! Completely agree :)

I think you are reading way too much into this and in danger of turning it into a pity party. . It is 1 meal and they have picked a restaurant for this 1 meal. You probably don't know all the reasons for the decision but someone made it. Doubt it was to piss anybody off.
You can say can't make it this time and go another time (and you organise it and book a place a to eat).

My dearest friend had an eating disorder, in the early years of recovery eating out was a nightmare for her and a minefield for family/friends. Everytime the date of the celebration/meal got nearer she'd have panics and give reasons/excuses. Often the organiser took the brunt of why it wasn't acceptable and they could not go. It was heartbreaking.
Its not worth the mental anguishand all the deliberations to why they booked a certain place. Missing a meal out doesn't mean the friendship ends.
Take care of yourself.

OP - I think this is a sensible plan and I think you're handling this well.

That said, I've wondered a bit reading the thread why your ED is relevant to the situation? I don't mean that in an insensitive way, but it sounds like the situation would be the same if you ate normally but were a vegetarian with the same food dislikes you have now.

Unless your food dislikes aren't so much dislikes but 'bad foods' you feel you cannot eat due to your ED

I really hope one of these seven friends happens to read this thread and realised what dicks they're being. Of course you should go to the Italian if it means you can all eat whilst still accommodating the woman with a baby who should just drive 20mind to the bigger town anyway. I wouldn't write them off forever, they've been thoughtless and will hopefully be more accommodating in the future after realising you can't order a proper meal to eat. Go and have a lovely time.

@elessar you're right actually! The ED is not even relevant tbh as I don't like the foods just as a veggie!

Dinner at 5pm???

I can see why people would rather eat steak than pasta for Christmas.

I think they're being a bit thoughtless, op. Don't you? But aside from that, could you arrive a bit late, and perhaps join them after they've ordered main course, and just have drinks and pudding with them? You could let them know in advance, to make sure they don't wait for you before they order.

Your original plan is fine - it just might mean they ask a bunch of questions you'd rather avoid.

Your plan sounds great, OP. I really hope the afternoon goes well for you and that your friends will be sensitive and don't make a fuss. Your issues sound quite similar to mine and I hate it when people make an issue of it as it leaves me feeling humiliated and belittled.

Go, tell them before hand that there us nothing on the menu you like, but no problem you will come for wine and dessert and to catch up with you lovely ladies.....looking forward to seeing you all.
Go be charming, be happy ask after the baby, tell how fab your boyfriend is (as he sounds lush)....eat before you go.

I said it sounded like a grim place because it doesn’t seem to be interested in offering any flexibility at all. Not a very hospitable way to run a restaurant!

And i dont think your friends are particularly considerate.

I would just have a liquid dinner. Wine. A bottle. Maybe a pudding too

The foods you don't like are long. The foods you do like seem very very limited.
What foods do you like?