To think most people would prefer a happy relationship

[gatheringstorms]

Obviously I’m not talking to those who have chosen this for whatever reason, but whenever someone posts to say they are lonely and would like a family, posters insist that being single is great, kids aren’t all that and that they’d swap places with the OP.

To me, most people would prefer a happy relationship over being single.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship though. No one is 100% happy in their relationship. It’s all about compromise and balance. I just can’t be bothered with it all. I’m happy in my own. Obviously if Mr Perfect appeared, I’d rethink. But I’m not doing it for Mr Mediocre.

I've been single for most of my life, certainly the past 5 years. I've done all of the cliche young, free and single things you are meant to; travelling, volunteering, hobbies, courses, career etc. I own my own home which is decorated to my taste and where I can do whatever the hell I want. I can be as selfish as I'd like.

I would 100% choose a happy relationship over this and feel horribly patronised when people try and tell me that I'm somehow better off being single.

Happy relationship > single = mediocre relationship > bad relationship where you've 'settled'

Just my opinion.

But you’re conflating having children/having a family with being in a happy relationship, when — as a glance at Mn testifies — they are not in fact necessarily related.

I can totally understand that, NameChange

Gallivie, that’s not really what I mean. Obviously being with an abusive partner is worse than being single, but if someone expresses distress and loneliness at being single / childless, they are often told that relationships aren’t all that, just as you have done there. It misses the point, no one posts saying that they want to be in an abusive marriage, but most people do want a good relationship.

@gatheringstorms I’ve been the happiest i’ve been in my life for the past 4.5 years since being with DH. I had an abusive first marriage so I definitely have seen both sides of the coin. I was also single for about 6 ish years before being with DH and it was lonely. Personally, I like being married.

I think people sometimes assume that, deep down, everyone wants a relationship of some sort and that a single person, even if apparently content, will be wishing they were with someone. Ergo single = essentially unhappy. Perhaps that’s why people sometimes jump to the defence of the single life.
In my experience I enjoy being single. It’s the life I’ve become accustomed to, I appreciate its simplicity and freedoms, and it suits me well. Would I prefer a ‘happy relationship’? Yeah maybe, I don’t know. Where do you get them?

I do also think a lot of people prefer a mediocre relationship to being single as that gives them a chance to have a family.

I don’t think single = unhappy, but I do think that being in a happy relationship is probably preferable to being happily single.

charles, I’d agree with that, it is sometimes no bad choice.

These sorts of threads bemused me as they ignore basic human biology and evolution. We are animals, very social animals. We use isolation as one of our more severe punishments. Yet, in relationships, we advocate being happy alone.

I agree OP. I was single for a long time and had friends, high disposable income, satisfying career etc. Have been married for 8 years with a dd now and am much happier despite being much busier, career stalled a bit and significantly less down time. Being part of a (happy) family / couple is just an easier, more pleasant life

But plenty of people ARE happy alone (which doesn’t mean the same as isolated). They may not have chosen that mode of life - sometimes things just happen, or don’t happen- but they’ve found a way to enjoy and make the most of the life they have.
I doubt that anyone would advocate that someone should leave a happy relationship because being single is better, but sometimes that ‘happy’ relationship isn’t just there to be plucked down.

@BlackCatSleeping
Nicely put. I think most humans are happier in a relationship than single - all else being roughly equal. But tens of millions, probably hundreds of millions, of people in the world are in terrible relationships - which are far worse than the single life and unhealthy for the ensuing children too.

I was in a relationship from when I was 18 years old until mid 20’s. It’s wasn’t bad, we just grew apart. After that I was single for 6 years until I met dh. First couple of years it was amazing. I travelled, I did temping jobs so I had more flexibility, I got a dog, I decorated my house to my liking. I entertained a lot. Then I started to get lonely. I dated on and off but nothing serious. I was at a point where I was starting to thing it would never happen for me when I met dh. 3 dc later, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Definitely happier than when I was single.

I think there is a separation between being in a relationship and having children. The first doesn't necessarily imply the second.

Like a number of previous posters I will not settle for mediocre. The relationships I have are with people who treat me respectfully. I don't tolerate a lot of things that are commonly posted here - passive aggressive BS, overt abuse including name calling, punching walls etc, expectation that I am the maid and do the majority of household chores, crap behaviour of being out all night (regularly) / prioritising their hobbies and desires etc

To me, relationships should be on equal footing. If I don't look forward to seeing them then I'm really not interested. Sometimes things start well but go downhill and if I am continually on edge, unsure, nervous, they're gone.

I don't need a man to support me. I have a good lifestyle, am independent, mortgage on my own home, good job. If a man is in my life, then they need to add to it. Most seem to think that's too much pressure as it's about them as a person, not what they can give me or do for me.

I’m much happier now I’m married than when I was single. I think everything is better in a team. Life throws a lot at us and we have to look after each other

But was in an abusive relationship before and being single was better than being in a bad relationship

You can’t generalise. Some people are happier being single and just having themselves to worry about. Men do not get made to feel bad for feeling like this. Women still do.

I think that, as animals, we are not meant to be solitary. But there can be a great deal more happiness in being single and independent than in a mediocre relationship, and it’s definitely better to be single than with the wrong person. So I can see why some of my long-term friends simply don’t want to start looking.

Plus, a “happy relationship” is a very subjective term. Even the longest and happiest relationships take a lot of work, once the initial gloss and novelty have worn off 😬.

So, I do think yanbu in general, but it’s not as simple as: choose between being single or blissfully happy with your personal Prince Charming forever. It’s perhaps more like: choose between being single and having the freedom to do and pursue whatever you like, or being in a couple where the great times come hand in hand with harder times. After all, as “Avenue Q” sang, “the more you love someone, the more you want to kill them!”

• long-term single friends, sorry (which included me for a long time. I don’t think I would ever have looked if DH hadn’t stumbled into me!)

I think the problem you're really highlighting is that people don't read and respond to the actual OP (eg their loneliness) and instead rush to give a defence of their choices or a rather dismissive 'huh, have my kids, you're lucky!'.

I am divorced but I live with my children so I don't live alone. I honestly love being single. I do think there are some of us introverts out there who prefer to be single than in a relationship. I just find it so wonderfully peaceful. I don't want another relationship. But I know I'm in the minority.

I also know I wouldn't be nearly as happy if I hadn't had my children though. They are a huge part of my happiness. So maybe my opinion doesn't quite equate to what you're talking about as I'm not quite "alone" and I do have happy family relationships in my life even though I have no partner.

BlackCatSleeping I don't think that's true. I can't say hand on heart that I am 100% happy in my marriage, more than happy, even. Whilst I think it is possible to be as happy single, that wasn't thecase for me, though I was shocked at just how happy DH made me when we met and continues to.

*can say hand on heart. Christ, I need typing lessons.

I think it's two different kinds of happy. I'm single, childless, introverted, and very happy - I don't feel there is anything missing from my life, things are pretty much perfect. At 47 I am incredibly content with my life. I've never lived with anyone either and I'm not actively looking to meet anyone. I have friends and hobbies and an allotment and travel a lot. If I met someone, I'd probably be happy too, just in a different way. A sex life would be nice - I miss the touch of another human sometimes, but I think If I were coupled up, I'd really miss being single. I'd never live with anyone - what I need is a single, rock climbing, bike riding, allotment owning introvert! :-) Until that happens, then I'm very happy with how things are.