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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think most people would prefer a happy relationship

127 replies

gatheringstorms · 16/11/2019 06:18

Obviously I’m not talking to those who have chosen this for whatever reason, but whenever someone posts to say they are lonely and would like a family, posters insist that being single is great, kids aren’t all that and that they’d swap places with the OP.

To me, most people would prefer a happy relationship over being single.

OP posts:
DDIJ · 16/11/2019 11:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 16/11/2019 11:22

I am happy with myself

In a relationship I tend to lose myself i get those peak feelings of happiness being in the first throws of love feelings that match my deep insecurities and feeling trapped, it’s not about Mr Perfect coming along he doesn’t exist it’s about who I am attracted to and who is attracted to me

I am happier on my own I have accepted that. The only relationship I would like now is one where we have our own lives and time we have together - no plans to live together (the only reason I would do this is financial so is appealing at times) , that isn’t traditionally what is seen as a couple but that is what would suit me and I think more and more people are thinking the same way

So no not happier in a relationship in the traditional sense I need my space and I do not want to give so much of myself to a partner

FadingStar · 16/11/2019 11:25

I love being married with children and I loved being single. Both can be equally brilliant.

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 11:26

There isn’t such a thing as one size fits all with life.

For me it goes:-

Single > happy relationship.

I’ve done both so for me it’s a position of educated choice!

Posts like the OPs which feeds from further societal expectations are why people feel they’re at liberty to decide you’re not being truthful though.

GaraMedouar · 16/11/2019 11:34

I do miss having someone else there. Just having someone to chat to after a hard day at work. Everything is on my shoulders and as a single mum I have to work full time in a job I don’t want to be in to pay for the kids and mortgage and bills, plus it’s on my shoulders when something happens like the roof leaks, the car gets a flat tyre etc etc it’s tiring. I feel often like a hamster on a treadmill with no let up.

I think there are pluses and minuses to both sides. And it’s human nature to think the grass is greener.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 11:58

Obviously most people would prefer a perfect relationship over being single in absolute terms.

The problem is that society has socialised us (and women in particular) to believe that a relationship of whatever quality is always preferable to being single. Its an ingrained attitude that arises from the fact that for many years it was financially imperative for a woman to be dependent on a man. That's no longer automatically the case and in fact in many cases its financially better to be independent, but society hasn't caught up.

The reason why people are often stating the benefits of the single life is partly because there's still a PR job to be done for it. Many people would be happier in a relationship, but plenty would not but don't realise it.

For example:

For women who already have children from a prior relationship, being in a new relationship with someone else poses risks and necessitates compromises and often these compromises are not worth the sacrifice for the woman. Having been conditioned over centuries to believe that a relationship is always the ideal state, it takes a certain strength of mind to recognise that yours and your children's best interests are not necessarily served by being in another relationship. It's therefore good IMHO that people are shouting from the rooftops that one shouldn't automatically assume that coupled = better.

Also, there's lots of things you can do as a single person which its harder to do in a relationship: social, intellectual, sexual, etc. This bears repeating because so often women compromise themselves and their needs and goals to accommodate a man with whom they are in a relationship.

And finally there are some people for whom relationships don't really work -- they're not really cut out for them. And for those people its good that they are able to be optimistic about the single state.

I think everyone realises that its optimal to be in a fantastic relationship with someone who fulfils your every need, fits beautifully with your life, with whom you have the same goals and desperately good sex. The problem is that almost never happens. Sometimes the compromise is worth it, often it is not.

I don't see the propaganda in favour of being single as patronising or insensitive at all: I think its a long overdue attempt to get women to remove their blinkers about the centuries-long brainwashing to which they have been exposed and have an honest conversation with themselves about what really honestly suits them. It doesn't mean that everyone is expected to swear off relationships, it just conditions them to be more discerning about whom they choose.

The more we have this conversation with our daughters, the better.

redcarbluecar · 16/11/2019 12:08

@thepeopleversuswork - agree!

ShadowOnTheSun · 16/11/2019 12:11

Honestly? No. I'm introverted, fiercely independent and also very selfish/self-centred. I do have someone, and he's a brilliant man, I'm very much attracted to him. Once or twice every week/two weeks. I love going out with him, experiencing new things, our conversations. And sex is great. He's kind, has an excellent sense of humour and is very intelligent/broad-minded. Would I like to see him more often or live with him? Hell NO. Just no. It would be my nightmare. I really do like him VERY much, but I'd dump him before I live with him/date more regularly. And frankly, if he'd dump me first - I wouldn't be too much bothered, although he really is great. I'd just find another.

I absolutely do not want to discuss/agree/consult/compromise with anyone about ANYTHING in my life. I do/don't do whatever the hell I want. I don't want to care about anyone or anyone's needs. I don't want to be burdened by anyone's worries, I'm not a shoulder to lean on and I don't need one myself. I just do whatever I please - always - and I wouldn't give that up for anything or anybody, Mr. Perfect of not. Dinner, gig, good shag afterwards? Sure, that's great. And then I want to go back to my own home and be left alone.

People are replaceable, freedom is not.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 12:13

ShadowOnTheSun

Spot on. I could have written this myself.

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 12:20

I've always hated being single. I'd much rather be in a happy relationship. I'd definitely rather be single than in a bad relationship though.

I dislike the posts where people are criticised for saying they want a relationship. It's a very normal human need to not be alone.

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 12:22

I dislike the posts where people are criticised for saying they want a relationship. It's a very normal human need to not be alone

I imagine they’re as annoying as the ones who state that people can’t possibly want to be single and of course they all want a happy relationship!

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 12:23

I imagine they’re as annoying as the ones who state that people can’t possibly want to be single and of course they all want a happy relationship

That's fine too. Both are valid choices

Elodie2019 · 16/11/2019 12:26

I think people want the best of both worlds.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 12:30

I dislike the posts where people are criticised for saying they want a relationship. It's a very normal human need to not be alone.

I dislike the posts where people are criticised for saying they genuinely enjoy being single. Worse, the ones where people don't believe you or suspect you've just become embittered.

Some of us genuinely are happier being single. Not necessarily for ever, but feel that being single gives us more control and freedom than we had when we were in a committed relationship. And, critically, that its a better deal for our children.

And we feel frustrated when people pop up again to tell us again and again we are in denial.

Fine to be happier in a relationship if that's what suits you, but do people with opposing perspectives the decency of believing them.

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 12:33

Worse, the ones where people don't believe you or suspect you've just become embittered

Absolutely. The “I totally understand you feel that way if you’ve had a bad relationship” crowd.

I find it disappointing people don’t simply see single as a positive choice rather than simply a reactive choice.

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 12:38

I dislike the posts where people are criticised for saying they genuinely enjoy being single

I've never seen that on here

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 12:38

JacquesHammer exactly. Embracing the positives of being single in no way negates the fact that being in a good relationship can be great. It just teaches you to find value in you living your own best life rather than seeking validation through another person all the time.

It's a win-win: you feel better single and if/when you do come to meet someone who you like you're likely to enter into a relationship from a position of strength as opposed to trying to mould yourself into the needs of someone without considering how that could impact you.

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 12:39

I've never seen that on here

I’m sure you’re not suggesting it therefore doesn’t happen?

I’ve had it said to me. Including a side order of “you’re not modelling good life experience for your child”

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 12:40

It's definitely true though that a lot of people find it hard to understand others who genuine prefer to be single. I don't disbelieve them but I can't understand it.

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 12:42

I don't disbelieve them but I can't understand it

Why though? What is hard to understand that different people feel differently.

Unless you’re judging everyone by your desire to be in a relationship which is fairly arrogant. The right way for you isn’t the right way for everyone.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 12:44

formerbabe well the OP is saying that when someone posts about being lonely, posters "insist" that being single is great. I can't speak for the OP but the use of the word "insist" suggests that she thinks deep down its not true.

In fact most of the people who are posting that being single is great are people who have experience of both sides of the coin often having come out of unsatisfactory relationships or marriages and have realised that there's a lot to be said for being single.

They're trying to support posters who say they are lonely because they suspect that the "loneliness" comes from society's expectation that having a partner automatically removes that loneliness when they know from experience that it doesn't. You can't deal with loneliness just by shacking up with someone else -- you need to deal with yourself first. That's the message. No one is saying the single state is inherently preferable to being in any relationship, just trying to get the poster to recognise why it can be so great.

Sorry, I'm really passionate about this and it annoys me when it gets misunderstood.

Parttimers · 16/11/2019 12:46

@BlackCatSleeping really?? Are you so sure of that, you feel you can speak for everyone??!! I for one am 100% happy in my relationship. Hmm

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 12:46

Why though? What is hard to understand that different people feel differently

Stop trying to start an argument over everything I say. Of course, I understand they feel differently. That's a given. I'm just saying I can't understand their desire to prefer to be alone, not that its an issue. We all have different needs and wants.

Unless you’re judging everyone by your desire to be in a relationship which is fairly arrogant. The right way for you isn’t the right way for everyone

Well yes I acknowledged that when I said Both are valid choices

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 12:48

I'm just saying I can't understand their desire to prefer to be alone, not that its an issue

It isn’t a desire to prefer to be alone. It’s a desire to be alone.

It isn’t tricky, however hard you find it.

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 12:50

It isn’t a desire to prefer to be alone. It’s a desire to be alone.

That's just semantic

It isn’t tricky, however hard you find it

I don't find it tricky. I just can't imagine ever feeling that way. I'm not denying that others do.

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