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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think most people would prefer a happy relationship

127 replies

gatheringstorms · 16/11/2019 06:18

Obviously I’m not talking to those who have chosen this for whatever reason, but whenever someone posts to say they are lonely and would like a family, posters insist that being single is great, kids aren’t all that and that they’d swap places with the OP.

To me, most people would prefer a happy relationship over being single.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 12:52

That's just semantic

Words have meaning.

The desire to prefer to be alone, is different from the desire to be alone.

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 12:54

Yes I see the difference but it wasn't intentional...I'm cooking lunch at the same time so distracted. Yes, obviously the desire to be alone is valid.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 16/11/2019 12:59

I know I do and I guess the same for others us single people (and I really mean women) have to explain our feelings of being happy/ok/not desperately sad so often we get a little defensive

As others have said a man single is thought of as lucky, not been tied down and so on for women we just haven’t met Mr Right, still waiting for the right guy to come along and make us happy 🙄

I do recognize that as I have a child and not still wanting the family set up (I did when I was younger) makes a difference to how I feel. I’ve always been a single parent (was not be choice at first and since having ds have not craved a relationship in the same way)

To be honest often when I think about having some sort of relationship it’s for practical matters and sex not the emotional side or growing old together. When ds grows up I want a house full of cats

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 13:01

I suppose what's really shit for anyone is being in a situation they don't want to be in, and I think it's fine to try to find a way out of that rather than just accepting that you're stuck.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 13:02

Not trying to start a fight, but genuinely curious:

Can those people who feel their default state is to be in a relationship see that this may well be socially conditioned?

Maybe its not, maybe its something you instinctively feel deep down. But don't you think that a large part of this comes from the fact that women have been told for so long that they're not "really" happy if they're not coupled-off?

When I post about how its good being single I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I really love it. But I also want to get people to focus on how much of their desire to be in a relationship actually comes from themselves and how much comes from deep-rooted societal expectations? (probably with a fair bit of family/friend influence). It's a genuine question: I don't know the answer.

My guess is that there's a spectrum: some people instinctively prefer being one half of a couple. But I would hazard a guess that a fairly large chunk of people just feel its something they ought to do because that's just what you do.

I just want those people in the second category to think about this and to be aware that if that doesn't work for them, for whatever reason, its not a shortcoming in them. It's a societal problem that we're not really dealing with. I think we'd all be a lot happier- and have much better relationships when we do have them - if we got our heads around this.

bullyingadvice2017 · 16/11/2019 13:11

I'm happier single than I ever have been with someone. When I look around at all the people I know, on the surface things might seem rosey.

When you get to know people you realise that I can look round and think, he's a twat, she's a drinker, he's a gambler, they are a cheat, he speaks to her like shit, she's tight, etc,etc,etc.

Not saying they are all horrible, my parents have been married 35 years. They look at me with horror when I say that. But in truth I wouldn't want to be in a marriage like theirs either.

Honestly not one relationship I know of where I could say I want that.

I enjoy having the freedom being single gives me. I have great friends and a full life. Not saying never again but I can't imagine living with anyone and it would have to be something amazing to make me think different.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 16/11/2019 13:12

thepeopleversuswork no I don't think it's conditioning, but I do think you bring up an interesting angle, and I agree that people whose relationships break down for any reason shouldn't feel like it's a personal short coming.

I love being married, but I love the man I'm married to far more. I would much rather be single than be in a relationship with any man who didn't make me feel how he does. I've been single and happy too, so I don't think it's about wanting to be in a relationship, it's just I was lucky enough to meet someone I don't want to live without. If I hadn't, I would have just carried on being happy and single 😊

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 16/11/2019 13:24

Of course social conditioning plays a part

How many women stay with unfaithful men, men who treat them badly, men who are violent

We have been conditioned to be more understanding and caring than men have how many times do we hear comments like all women are selfish, most women would play away if the chance of not getting caught allowed them to we don’t those comments are for men and the message is the excuses are valid and accept this is what they are like

We know many women often also worn down by controlling partners but the fear of being alone can also play a huge part the fear of bringing up children alone for many women will trap them in an unhappy relationships where their needs are not met

We now can be alone (it isn't easy) we can make choices that benefit ourselves and put our children first but for so many women they will hold out with every excuse because that fear is too much to confront and much of that is to do with how we have been conditioned

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 14:21

Enthusiasm exactly.

If the absolute top priority is always to hold onto the relationship at any cost, then its much easier for a lot of poor behaviour to be normalised and tolerated. The tolerance of this behaviour is justified through soppy truisms about "fighting for love" "making it work for the children" and "working on your marriage", and its only when things are totally dire that people find the strength to leave.

I'm not suggesting all people whose default setting is to be in a relationship are setting themselves up for DV/abuse/control. But it certainly makes the ground more fertile for these conditions to occur.

sofato5miles · 16/11/2019 14:26

Is the holding down to bad relationships due to the isolation of family units. Not living as a tribe etc?

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 14:50

sofato5miles not sure that tribes were particularly supportive of women either -- it was all pretty patriarchal. But I do think the nuclear family unit can be pretty isolating if you don't have access to a community.

Mummadeeze · 16/11/2019 15:07

I loved being single in my twenties. I found it hard to commit to anyone because I preferred doing my own thing and spending time with my groups of friends. I had a really full social life and was never lonely. I am now 45 and have been with my partner for 15 years. I would say 8 of those have been unhappy now and I yearn to be single. And aim to be soon. But I also imagine that being single in my 40s may be a lot more lonely than it was in my 20s because most of my friends are in family situations now? So when I finally extracte myself from my unhappy relationship, after maybe a year of healing, I hope to look for another healthier relationship. I really hope that this past decade of difficulties wasn’t my lot when it comes to being with someone ‘romantically’. I would love another chance at love, so yes - I suppose I would prefer a happy relationship than a single life at my age.

Fluffypudcats · 16/11/2019 15:08

Not me. I am very very happy single. Occasionally I wish someone would make me a cuppa every now and then or take the bins out but I'm sure I could employ someone to do that. I've lived alone too long now (well, other than being staff to cats) to not want to share my space with

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 15:19

But I also imagine that being single in my 40s may be a lot more lonely than it was in my 20s because most of my friends are in family situations now

Yes I imagine this keeps many people stuck in relationships.

Needhelp101 · 16/11/2019 15:34

Shadowonthesun's post is spot on.

I'm lucky enough to have 2 children, a fairly supportive ex-husband (so he bloody should be, seeing as it was his affair with a 'friend' that ended our marriage), incredibly close friends (basically chosen family). I like my own bed, my own space, my freedom. I can't think of anything a significant other could bring to my life, tbh.

Oh, and I spent last night having rampant sex with a gorgeous 27 year old who for some reason thinks I'm a goddess #clearlyblind #stealthboast

Needhelp101 · 16/11/2019 15:38

Would also like to applaud the peopleversuswork's post.

bluebeck · 16/11/2019 15:40

The really sad thing is that some people prefer being in a shit relationship to being single.

I am happier single than in any of the relationships I have had, some of which I have been extremely happy in. Now - mid fifties, I have several happy relationships with friends, and to a certain extent, a really brilliant relationship with myself, which I didn't have at all when I was younger.

I am able to understand that some people need to be in a relationship to be truly happy, but it seems some cannot understand those of us who need to be single in order to be truly happy....

IcedPurple · 16/11/2019 16:31

I am able to understand that some people need to be in a relationship to be truly happy, but it seems some cannot understand those of us who need to be single in order to be truly happy....

Thank you. I'm a committed singleton. I'm happier that way and really always have been. However, I can definitely understand how being in a good relationship is the best choice for many. I don't have a problem with that. The problem is that so many people refuse to believe that for some of us, being single is absolutely the best choice and that even 'good' relationships don't really suit us.

As a poster above has said, it's a failure to understand that for some of us, being single is a lifestyle we actively and freely choose. Not just something we grudgingly make the most of while looking for a man to complete us.

PumpkinP · 16/11/2019 16:36

I hate being single. I’ve pretty much been single my whole life, never lived with a man or had a serious relationship. Not through my choice. I see it on here a lot people saying how happy they are single but I don’t know anyone irl who is happy single, I would much rather a relationship than being single.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 17:03

PumpkinP I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if you've never lived with a man or had a serious relationship you're not really in a position to judge which is best.

It's totally understandable that having never had a serious relationship you would like to experience one, but you've never experienced the loss of freedom, the control, the boredom and the shrinking of horizons that can happen when people become over-dependent on one another in the worst way. It's obviously not all there is to relationships but because you feel excluded from this world you're overlooking a lot of very significant negatives.

If you've never had a serious relationship I really hope you will find a good one. But please don't accept anything offered to you on the grounds that it will automatically improve your life -- its a fast road to the worst sides of relationship.

PumpkinP · 16/11/2019 17:13

I have children but my ex never took the relationship serious and never committed, even then I would rather be back with him than alone.

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 17:14

I have children but my ex never took the relationship serious and never committed, even then I would rather be back with him than alone

That’s tragic. I can guarantee you’re worth way more than that.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 17:34

PumpkinP What has happened to you to make you feel that a relationship with someone who won't commit to you is better than being on your own? That's all kinds of wrong. And its also a terrible attitude to show your children.

You need for your children's sake to grow a sense of your own value. Have you had counselling?

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 17:36

but you've never experienced the loss of freedom, the control, the boredom and the shrinking of horizons

Gosh, that's a pessimistic way to view relationships. Mine benefits my life... someone to turn to, have fun with, confide in, laugh with.

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 17:38

but I don’t know anyone irl who is happy single

Same...they clearly exist as are on this thread but I don't know any irl either.

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