Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most people would prefer a happy relationship

127 replies

gatheringstorms · 16/11/2019 06:18

Obviously I’m not talking to those who have chosen this for whatever reason, but whenever someone posts to say they are lonely and would like a family, posters insist that being single is great, kids aren’t all that and that they’d swap places with the OP.

To me, most people would prefer a happy relationship over being single.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 17:44

For me I just cannot see how a relationship would enhance my life in any way! Even with The Perfect Mate, what can they possibly give me that makes my life better than it is!

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 17:47

JacquesHammer

But you've obviously had a previous relationship. Would you feel that way if you'd never experienced one? Not implying it wasn't happy by the way. Just wondering if you hadn't, would you still be happy to be single or would you then be wondering what you'd missed out on or want to experience it?

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 17:49

Would you feel that way if you'd never experienced one?

I think so, looking back. Especially with the societal pressures put on women to be in a relationship.

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 16/11/2019 17:50

Yanbu.
Single life is great at 22, not so great at 42.

PumpkinP · 16/11/2019 17:53

I hate being a single mum I guess that’s it, I feel the judgement and stigma. Lots of people stay in relationships because they don’t want to be single/single mum so I don’t think it’s unusual

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 17:55

I hate being a single mum I guess that’s it, I feel the judgement and stigma

The stigma of being a single mother is absolutely nothing to do with the character of the mother and everything to do with the character (or lack thereof!) of the judging party.

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 17:57

they don’t want to be single/single mum so I don’t think it’s unusual

Yes I definitely think that's true.

I hope you meet someone lovely one day pumpkin.

Wowserme · 16/11/2019 18:01

There’s good and bad to being single and being in a relationship.
I’ve been married for over 35 years to a good man but there have been numerous times over the years that I’ve longed to be single.
I guess the grass is always greener......

Ted27 · 16/11/2019 18:09

I'm a 54 year single mum, on my own for about 12 years now.

I'm pretty happy with life, I'm not happy because I'm single, I'm just content with how things are. I've had relationships, mostly good ones.

I have two years left on my mortgage, my son is growing up and doing well. I have a decent job in the civil service, not very exciting, but it pays well, great TandCs, family friendly. It suits me.
I have great friends, all married but no one excludes me because I'm single. I've never had a problem doing stuff on my own, if I want to the cinema, theatre or a gig, I go, sometimes alone, sometimes with a friend.
I'm not sure what a relationship would add right now. I certainly wouldn't want to share my space again. I'm not closed to the idea of a relationship. but I'm not looking and I'm not pining away either. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't.

Personally I feel that if you are going to be truly happy, either in a relationship or as a single person, you have to like and value yourself.
I certainly wouldn't argue that its better to be single, just that it is possible to be happy and fufilled as a single person.

PookieDo · 16/11/2019 18:24

These threads are so annoying
I know plenty of people including myself who are not miserably single.

And the assumption that all single people are sad and lonely still seems to be going strong
Especially amongst those who claim to be ‘blissfully happy’ and met the perfect partner by accident and want to give everyone hope ‘it can happen to them too’

The fact is a lot of women do find being single much easier and less awful than dating and all this trying to meet someone, which is time consuming and can be quite demoralising and unpleasant

For women who are single mums the chances you will meet someone in passing are much lower than when you were single, free and out socialising a lot more. So your window has narrowed, and to meet someone it’s likely you end up away from your kids, don’t have childcare, much less free time on your hands. Does any of this actually sound appealing? How many of the people on this thread professing to know that deep down, most single people are unhappy have actually tried dating or you are going on what your friends say?

Single mums do feel a horrible amount of social pressure to be in a relationship whilst similtaneously being judged for even considering it.

You won’t be any happier in any relationship if you haven’t learnt how to be happy by yourself. People confuse this and think that other people are what make you feel happy and complete. Another human doesn’t do that for you, they are an addition to your life should not be filling a hole

GaraMedouar · 16/11/2019 18:31

I find a lot of middle aged,or older women say that if their OH died they wouldn't seek someone new. My mum definitely felt that, she was with my dad for 45 odd years until his death. It was quite a controlling marriage, he was a bully. Now she is on her seventies, loves being single, does holidays by herself each year all over the world. She's said she'd never want a partner again.

I would like a partner but only see him once or twice a week and not live with him. But at 50 I'm realistic enough to think it may or may not happen. I'm not actively on OLD or anything, and to be honest barely talk to a man unless it's in the supermarket. I do socialise but it is with mum friends. As I'm 50, own (mortgage) my own house, have a decent job - I don't need a man financially. I have 3 kids so I'm not looking for a mate to have children with. So any man now has to add something positive to my life. ie be good company and not be a knob.

Bloodyinsomnia123 · 16/11/2019 18:48

I love being a mother but I don't have the slightest interest in having a romantic relationship. I look at the people I know who describe themselves as being in happy relationships and I'm glad for them, but I could never make the compromises and adjustments that most of them have made. I wouldn't call myself a selfish or inflexible person - I've happily made all the sacrifices that motherhood has required of me. But, to me, coupledom looks like an utterly grim loss of self and individuality. Luckily we're all different and want different things!!!!

formerbabe · 16/11/2019 18:57

I find a lot of middle aged,or older women say that if their OH died they wouldn't seek someone new

Yes I know some older divorced/widowed women who feel this way. I can understand it.

I find it really harsh to say to a younger woman who hasn't been married/lived with a man or hasn't had children yet that they should be happy being single regardless of her feelings, as if wanting a husband/family makes you a weaker person.

noodlenosefraggle · 16/11/2019 19:01

Sometimes I am amazed at people who come of of a divorce straight into the dating scene. I do think of th and I split Is be happy to be single. But I hated the dating scene first time round, I have my children. I just don't think I could be arsed to do it all again. But that's easy for me to say I suppose from a theoretical point of view.

PookieDo · 16/11/2019 19:03

It’s more common for women who have been divorced with children to stay single than it is for women who haven’t yet had a family. I don’t begrudge anyone the desire to marry/have a family - it is the comments that single people who say they are content and happy must secretly be lying Hmm

PookieDo · 16/11/2019 19:05

@noodlenosefraggle
I met a mum friend when I was single who then left her husband for another man, which didn’t work out and proceeded to have no less than 5 overlapping (cheating) relationships in a row. I had to stop being her friend after she married the last one having never met him in person. I’m not even kidding

PookieDo · 16/11/2019 19:05

2 of the men who overlapped had the same name 😂

JacquesHammer · 16/11/2019 19:08

it is the comments that single people who say they are content and happy must secretly be lying

Together with a full chorus of “never say never” when you say you won’t ever date.

IcedPurple · 16/11/2019 19:32

I don't really get this idea that women who say they are looking for a relationship are told that they should be happy single instead. Not saying it never happens, but in my experience the reverse - ie single women being asked why they're not all coupled up - is much more common. Coupledom is still seem very much as the default.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 16/11/2019 21:58

Single life is great at 22, not so great at 42

For myself it’s the opposite. I was never single for long and relationships overlapped I felt I needed to be in a relationship I would have been miserable at 22 and single

At 42 (not older than that now) I no longer feel that way I’m happy being single

caranconnor · 17/11/2019 14:51

Yes I observe far more women happy being single at 42, than 22.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 17/11/2019 15:18

To me, most people would prefer a happy relationship over being single.

What's the size of the sample that you've surveyed to arrive at that conclusion?

I can't speak for 'most people': only for me. I'm single and prefer being so to being in any form of relationship: absolutely, definitely, without any shadow of a doubt Smile

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 17/11/2019 15:21

I think everything is better in a team

Nope. Have to disagree Blush

sofato5miles · 17/11/2019 15:39

Nice legs, you are clearly I minority or single would be the norm

JacquesHammer · 17/11/2019 15:39

Nice legs, you are clearly I minority or single would be the norm

Single should NOT be abnormal

Swipe left for the next trending thread