To think most people would prefer a happy relationship

[gatheringstorms]

Obviously I’m not talking to those who have chosen this for whatever reason, but whenever someone posts to say they are lonely and would like a family, posters insist that being single is great, kids aren’t all that and that they’d swap places with the OP.

To me, most people would prefer a happy relationship over being single.

I'm happy single. I'm not a good partner, Im selfish enough to find dealing with someone else's needs stressful and lose myself in a relationship.
But I accept that many people prefer to be coupled up and are much happier with someone than alone.

There are lots of long term single women in my family, I've 3 aunts who never married and neither of my grandmothers had relationships after they were widowed. So how to be single and fulfilled has been modelled to me my whole life, as well as happy and unhappy relationships.

I would, but no not everyone would. Some people naturally are more solitary and will always be happier alone,
An ex who I was with very young is like this. His ideal relationship he says is a long distance one where you can only meet up one weekend a month. He loves being alone with a little bit of socialisation. He is also happy. I think in medieval times he would have been a hermit only seeing people when he went to church. No wonder our short relationship was doomed to failure.
People are different.

Society fetishises romance and coupling up at all costs, so I think it can be a reaction to that. Often from coupled up people who are bitterly disappointed that their own relationship has fallen short of the ideal. Or happily single people who are naturally sick and tired of being asked if they've met someone!

In general, though, yes I think most people would prefer a happy marriage. It's just that, for so many, they don't know if their marriage is truly happy or not until they're some years down the line, and even not then.

I've been single, in a bad relationship, and am now happily married, and for me personally this is the best it's been for me

I am happily married. I adore my husband and children and am SO happy. Before I met my husband, I loved being single - I was by no means isolated, always surrounded by friends and traveling or going on nights out and having an absolute blast. I was happy then and I am happy now. When I was single I would not have preferred to be in a relationship, I loved being single! But now I’m married and very happy I obviously also have no desire to be single either. Being single doesn’t mean being isolated! Similarly, for some people in the wrong relationship, being married can be more lonely than being single.

When I was young I always wanted to be married and have kids. My first marriage was very unhappy as I’d settled for someone who was totally wrong for me , as I was nearly 30 so thought my life was nearly over! Divorced and met exP , who was lovable and cuddly and laid back - seemed perfect. One DC later with him and it was apparent that although being a lovable character he was lazy as anything - contributed not one penny - I had found a cocklodger who refused to lift a finger or contribute any money. This eroded my self esteem so I asked him to leave. I have 3 kids though so I’m not lonely , but would still like a partner, although now as I’m 50 my ideal would be a partner who has his own house and we see each other once a week. That’d suit me fine at the mo (youngest DC is 8 so don’t want anyone moving in for the time being).
I do look at happy couples and feel envious, but as it turned out I wasn’t prepared long term to put up with a cocklodger in order to have just anyone. And he was a very pleasant person to be around - like a human Labrador. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing but my resentment was building up. It’s still there to be honest as he waltzes in and out , sees DD who adores him as lovely cuddly Daddy, but he pays not a penny maintenance and has no self pride to do so, I just don’t get it but have given up trying to analyse him.

I prefer being happily married to happily single and I've been both. I love the support and company DH and I give each other. I accept that other people feel differently and are perfectly happy being single but (although I was for a long time) it wasn't for me.

If DH and I weren't together any more, I would definitely hope that I could, at some point, have another good relationship, but no way would I put up with the shit I read about on here! If they didn't treat me well and our future goals weren't aligned, there would be no point to the relationship - I would rather be on my own.

Is it greedy to say that I like both? I'm currently single and I love it but I also loved being in a loved up relationship. But what I didn't love was when the polish came off and the boredom kicked in and I had make compromises over daft things like how to decorate or what to watch on telly.
I think what it boils down to is I only really like the romance, the wedding, the honeymoon but not the marriage iyswim.

Love being single. Love being alone. Having kids and a 'family life' would be a nightmare for me.

Am I unusual in that? Maybe, and that's fine. However, studies consistently show that while married men are happier than their single counterparts, the reverse is true for women. And yet it's women who are told that they need to find a man to avoid a life of misery.

These sorts of threads bemused me as they ignore basic human biology and evolution. We are animals, very social animals. We use isolation as one of our more severe punishments. Yet, in relationships, we advocate being happy alone.

You're making it sound as though the alternative to being all coupled up is solitary confinement in a dungeon!

Just because someone doesn't have a partner, it doesn't mean they're isolated. They could have very rewarding relationships with friends and family.

Besides, if your'e going to use "human biology and evolution" as an argument, then the modern nuclear family set-up is an oddity, which is totally different from social and family arrangements for the vast bulk of human history.

Except there have always been some people who have chosen to be hermits with limited social contact.
Yes we are in general social animals, but that does not mean every single individual conforms to that broad picture.

I am single and love it, have been single for nearly 6 years. I do have a DS though so I'm not on my own as such.

I do better being single than I do in a relationship. I don't like to compromise on things. People will say "I'm in a happy relationship and I do everything that I want" but ALL relationships require a degree of compromise. You have to consider another person's feelings when you're making big decisions. I don't want to do that.

I'm also not a very touchy feely person, I dislike cuddles (apart from the ones from DS!) I dislike sharing my bed and my personal space.

I have plenty of friends and close relationships with family though so I'm always doing something on a weekend. Maybe I'd feel different if I had no one at all.

A post and run?

Well, it's true, if I could find the relationship that was absolutely perfect for me, then, the answer to your question is yes. I have kids though which makes it all more complicated. I'm seeing somebody now and we are happy. We trust and respect each other, but with winter coming, I wonder if I wouldn't rather be single through the winter. We don't live together.

Namechange: I would 100% choose a happy relationship over this and feel horribly patronised when people try and tell me that I'm somehow better off being single.

I understand that but I have seen very few relationships that could be described as truly happy.

The people telling you that you are better off single might sound patronising to you but they're also telling you to be careful for what you wish for. They may be stuck in very difficult relationships and from their perspective, your situation is enviable.

Also, being single doesn't equate to being lonely and solitary or not having a support network. Sometimes I think being long term single means you invest more in your relationships with extended family and friends. Certainly true of my single female friends (those that have never married).

I'd never say this out loud, but having got through those feelings of inadequacy for being Long Term Single (but with kids) in my 30s, now, I am beginning to feel a bit superior . I need to watch that!!

But now I'm feeling, ok I've become braver so I can go where I want and I won't miss out, proud too, I put the security of a home beneath my feet, cracked on with my job, got a pension, my cloth is cut to meet my income, so no fears that a dissolved relationship can reduce my circumstances. I pursued solitary interests or making art, designing, (not fake hobbies to meet men) in a very amateur way that makes me happy. I feel connected to the universe if that doesn't sound to wanky. Largely vegetarian so I can eat what I like at home. Rather than having to quieten small fears that things might change for the worse, I have optimism that I'll have more time and freedom in the future.

But obviously younger women are the ones whose voices are heard and they have a time frame within which to have children, and having young children is very isolating when you're single.

More networks for single women to meet each other and be a social life for each other would be good though because couples are the norm.

I'm dating somebody but we don't do that coupley stuff. We know different people. It wouldn't work.

@GaraMedouar that is so normal, post divorce, you want somebody who is nothing like your x but you overshoot! I think I've done the same, a few times. At least you had the good sense to end it. I can't ''put up with things'' either. If one thing feels wrong then knowingly putting up with that one thing erodes ME. Even if he is not the devil it's what it does to me that makes it undo-able. .

The people telling you that you are better off single might sound patronising to you but they're also telling you to be careful for what you wish for.

I wouldn't wish for an unhappy relationship though and I wouldn't stay in one... I've previously left abusive relationships. My parent's marriage was unhappy and my mother felt "stuck" as you described. Using this as a basis, I sorted my life out as an adult so I would have my own money and own career and be able to leave if I had to.

I know alot of people in happy long term relationships. More than those in unhappy relationships. My friends who have had unhappy or abusive relationships all got out and funnily enough, every single one of them are now in happy relationships or happy second marriages.

Funnily enough, very few people (usually much older women who had Shotgun type marriages) tell me I'm better off single. It's mainly mumsnetters.

Look I do get it. Take one person I knew from school. Very happily married, she has a good but stressful job (primary teacher), her husband has an excellent corporate career, lovely detached home, fancy cars, 5 star holidays etc etc. And, alongside working full time, she does most of the childcare for their just turned 4 year old and 1 year old twins, one of whom is disabled. She is obviously very stressed and has little time for herself or her interests that she had as a single person. She would love to swap lives with me, she says often.

But would she really? If she knew the gut wrenching pain of knowing time is running out and you might end up childless? When she had to come home to an empty house and an empty bed night after night, year after year? When she has to go on holiday alone or with strangers on singles holidays? When she is solely responsible for all of the finances and becomes long term sick or loses her job? When you are sick for a while and there isn't even anyone to check you are still alive? All that time for hobbies and interests is great until you realise how empty it all feels after a while.

And her problems will ease in time, this is the most difficult phase for her.

It's grass is greener syndrome. Yes, we might both suffer from it a bit. But it is patronising to constantly have the single life held up on a pedestal and to be told repeatedly we should be thankful for a life that feels pretty empty when you have to live it every day with no end in sight.

I find the implication that I may not know my own mind to be incredibly fucking insulting. Many people want to be in relationships: crack on. But do not think I get a warn glow or green eyes at your fabulous family set up - I would choose single every time. I would never post on here about "what kind of twat wants a relationship?" but for reasons unknown, it is always acceptable to assume that single=deluding myself.

But would she really? If she knew the gut wrenching pain of knowing time is running out and you might end up childless? When she had to come home to an empty house and an empty bed night after night, year after year? When she has to go on holiday alone or with strangers on singles holidays? When she is solely responsible for all of the finances and becomes long term sick or loses her job? When you are sick for a while and there isn't even anyone to check you are still alive? All that time for hobbies and interests is great until you realise how empty it all feels after a while.

Thing is, you're assuming that anyone who isn't coupled up is all alone and has no friends. Plus, you're looking at the negative aspects of your life and the positive side of hers. She is dealing with lots of things you are not. Personally, I don't find her life appealing at all, just as I'm sure she wouldn't find mine. But that doesn't mean either lifestyle is 'better'.

But it is patronising to constantly have the single life held up on a pedestal and to be told repeatedly we should be thankful for a life that feels pretty empty when you have to live it every day with no end in sight.

You are speaking for your own single life, not for anyone else's. I don't find my life 'empty'. I don't consider that I 'have' to live it either. It's not that hard to find a man, after all. But I chose to be single because I prefer it that way. Your post clearly indicates that you did not choose it, which I understand. However, claiming that that makes you typical of 'singletons' and that therefore being single is awful is a bit like saying that women stuck in miserable marriages - and there are many such women - are typical of all married women.

I find the implication that I may not know my own mind to be incredibly fucking insulting. Many people want to be in relationships: crack on. But do not think I get a warn glow or green eyes at your fabulous family set up - I would choose single every time. I would never post on here about "what kind of twat wants a relationship?" but for reasons unknown, it is always acceptable to assume that single=deluding myself.

It's the same with being childfree. People assume you secretly want their stress filled lives wiping noses and getting up for night feeds. No. I really don't. And I don't want a 'relationship' either because I LOVE being alone. Really love it. Which doesn't mean I'm 'alone' in the sense that I don't have friends or family, just that I don't have to compromise constantly to please a partner - and as a poster above said, all relationships require compromise - and can do my own thing as I please. It's great.

Are the 2 things comparable?

I think there's a big difference between :

Having been married, having had children, and then deciding to get divorced or deciding to stay single after being married.

compared to say a young 20-year-old who doesn't want to be single, who is desperate for a loving relationship, and maybe children.

you can't compare choosing to be single later in life, with not wanting to be single when you're younger.

if your finances are solid, have a child! That is the hardest part for single women without children, knowing that there is a time frame. Nothing stopping you having a child on your own though.

I believe from friends of mine who missed that boat (one is married, one is single) that that pain maxes at about 39-41 and then begins to go away again. Easy for me to say but I don't believe that it's normal for the gut wrenching pain to continue for decades.

I've never had anybody tell me to couple up. Never had anybody tell me that being single is marvellous either. People never tell me what I should be doing! I guess nobody is looking at me! My parents must just accept that it won't happen.

@Oblomov19 yes, apples and oranges, totally!

It makes me furious when people come on here saying they want to have kids at 35-40, say they have been single for 15 years, and then blame them being a size 16 for not being in a relationship. Er no love. You’re not in a relationship because you don’t want to be not because of your size!

@IcedPurple

You are right, I was indeed speaking for my own life and not every single person. I didn't intend to imply it was universal. And I have alot of friends, I'm a popular person but their families, understandably come first. I don't have much in the way of family excepting aging parents who are dependent on me for care so yes, it is pretty lonely for me.

I didn't ever claim that it was typical for all single people to feel this way, just as you I'm sure didn't claim that I am the only one who feels this way.

The OP asked for the opinions of individuals. I gave mine.

You can’t generalise. Some people are happier being single and just having themselves to worry about. Men do not get made to feel bad for feeling like this. Women still do.

^^Completely agree. No size fits all. Some people are happier in a relationship, some are happier single.

At this stage of my life, I'm happiest single.That may change, may not.