AIBU to tell my lodger he needs to go home for Christmas?

[CupOfTeaAndSixBiscuits]

I have a lodger who has depression (recently started to receive care from the CMHT and GP) and he made a suicide attempt relatively recently. I have to encourage him to take his pills and not take his own life, in a nutshell. He's also got Asperger's, which can affect his understanding of some things, but he's still pretty social.

We actually get on quite well, and have become friends. It's just that I worry and have to keep an eye on him.

Since he moved out of the local family home in the spring, he literally hasn't visited once (though he has seen them, they come to us). They're not especially supportive with MH things, but they do care about him. He's talking about not going home for Christmas and just staying in the house by himself, which I don't think will be good for him. I'll be staying with my family in another city.

I've told him that he needs to go home for Christmas, essentially so that I don't have to worry that I'll come home to a corpse about him. He's resisting this. There's no written lodger agreement, and I have no actual way of ensuring he does go home.

Am I being unreasonable? Part of me says I am because he'll still be paying to be there just like I am, and part of me says I'm not because it's for his own good!

OP, I agree with PPs that you've assumed a lot of responsibility with this and could get into quite a pickle, especially without a formal agreement in place.

Obviously you can't insist your lodger leaves his home over Christmas. However, since it seems more that you're worried about him as a friend being alone, how about inviting him to your family home for Christmas if you don't want him to be alone?

Slightly different situation but I've had au pairs come to my parents' at Christmas (with parents' agreement of course) when the alternative would be staying at mine on their own. He might actually want to be alone, though, in which case there's really nothing you can do.

Practically, I think what I'd do is let him stay until early next year, so he's there over Christmas, without any looming 'about to evicted' fears, then start afresh in the New Year.

That gives you time to think, plan, then give him notice in January or Feb, if that's what you decide to do.

Remember, there will never be a 'good time' to give notice. Never.

OP don't, whatever you do, offer to take your lodger home to your family for Christmas. Why anyone thinks this is a good idea defeats me, it's just blurring the lines even further. It's not your responsibility to rescue him. He is your lodger. It's a business transaction.

He's done very well for himself, hasn't he – ditching his old-school mum and dad and finding a new mum/ friend/ landlady with a heart of gold to look after him.

Crikey, I hope some of you lot never need support from friends when your health is dodgy For all I know, I could break my leg tomorrow and need practical help from the lodger around the house. What goes around comes around...

I do wish people would stop suggesting I evict him - I don't actually want to. Then again, I don't really want to take him home for Christmas - it's not practical, there's no space, and my own family is a bit complicated. We've a history of having 'extras' for Christmas, but not ones who need overnight accommodation, and not ones with perfectly good alternatives.

My plan is to get him stabilised more, by getting him to engage with MH services (as he now is) and take his tablets (as MH services prescribed), and then return to a more average sort of flatmate relationship. I think that is slowly happening. I couldn't worry about him in this way in the long term, it's just about getting him through the short term. No chance of me going on holiday etc in the short term, I've no money!

I've never seen an AIBU poll so close to 50/50 either. Next time I see his family (most weeks), I'll try and make small talk about Christmas, as I doubt they know he's thinking of not going to them. I've also briefed a mutual friend to encourage him to go to his family for Christmas if the topic comes up. I can't force him, but...

You are being rather defensive OP!

There is a world of difference between friends helping another person out if they break their leg and what you are doing.

I am sure you know that - or are you not actually engaging with the replies here?

This lodger is not someone with a broken leg, they have a broken mind. You are not qualified to help them. It's not like getting their shopping in or giving them a lift.

It really is not your role to monitor their drugs regime or anything else medical. Can you not see that this is actually counter productive because it's taking away their personal responsibility?

You really do need to look at your own behaviour and stop seeing yourself as this good samaritan who is saving this person and work with the professionals. You risk doing more harm than good.

I think that you have no real idea of what's best for him because you are not a MH specialist, nor are you his mum. What I mean is that you have no responsbility for him beyond that of friend, not terribly close friend at that.

The more you try to help him, the more you will be expected to. It won't stop at tablet regime, it will go further and further until you find that you are doing a lot more than you are comfortable with. This is entirelybe cause of underfunding for the aervices which should be looking after him.

That also means that you have to let him not go to his family if that is what he wants. He may well have a very valid reason for that, which he hasn't told you of.

Your home is his home. If he wants to stay he can.

If he is that unwell, have a discrete word with his parents/family member the next time they visit. It's 6 weeks to Christmas.

You're not his friend though. You're his landlady. Unless he is a friend you have offered board and lodgings to, in which case- blurred lines bla bla.
Why do you see his family?
This is all kinds of weird.
You'd be better off without him, and he'd probably be better off without you. You speak about him like a mum about her recalcitrant grumpy teen.

He may have good reason to not want to spend Christmas with his family. My neighbour goes to a charity Christmas dinner for people that would otherwise be alone & others volunteer so are alternative activities.

As he has trust in you maybe could encourage/help him to contact Mind or other organizations locally to source some support, shift the reliance off you & keep his independence.
It's not your responsibility as landlord so you could end lodging arrangement but its clear you care.

as someone who has had a lodger with severe mental health issues I would strongly urge you to help him move out. it nearly broke me.
you can be a supportive friend when he is living elsewhere .

I think you have become over invested here TBH .This young man needs professional help and support really .Even if he doesnt go home for Christmas ,what about Holidays and so on? You cant be there all the time!

It's his home too while he's staying with you, so no you can't just tell him to leave for Christmas.
However, it's your house and if he's adding stress to your life and bringing you down, you're not under any obligation to be dealing with this. If he's become a good friend, you can continue to care for him and give him support but that doesn't have to include living with you.

If that is your plan, yours, not his, then you will never return to a normal relationship with him. You are already stepping all over the boundaries of a grown man amd in turn he has put you in an awful position. Thats what suicidal people do. He is responsible for his own recovery, not you. Its nice to be nice, but this isn't ok.
FWIW my sister tried to kill her self, many times, all through our teens. We spent a decade never being able to leave her alone, controlling us all. I wish we'd left her alone more now, enjoyed our own lives. She's still threatening 20 years later.
I get that you want to help him, that you care, but its not appropriate to be managing his meds for him, reminding him, encouraging him to engage with services, he is an adult man. He has to do it himself.
Totally agree with the poster saying christmas is a red herring, if he's going to do it, he could do it any time, anywhere. Of course that would be traumatic for you, but youve got yourself in this situation and involving yourself more closely doesn't help you, protect your own boundaries first. Let him stay, go away for Christmas. Up to you if you want to live with him long term, but his recovery is not your responsibility. You're enabling his disfunction, sounds such a cliche, but you really are. I'm not being harsh, I've been on a locked ward myself and what you learn eventually is that no one is coming to rescue you, you have to do it yourself. In the kindest possible way, mind your own business. Lay off contacting his family, on his behalf, quietly. Maybe they fucked him up.

A quiet chat with his family is probably the way to go. They know him better than you and might be able to steer him out of his rigid decision, with some gentle back up from you.
I can see your dilemma OP. Dealing with someone with Asperger's and MH difficulties is a particular challenge and I'd be worried too.

Not everyone enjoys going to see their family for Christmas ... even if their family is nice and supportive.

I hated going “home” for Christmas. It was the few days of the year I dreaded the most.

Maybe he just genuinely doesn’t want to go back.

You sound lovely but I think you’re overstepping re Christmas. Leave him be. He might decide to pop over there for half a day, he may feel better on his own. It’s up to him.

Crikey, I hope some of you lot never need support from friends when your health is dodgy confused For all I know, I could break my leg tomorrow and need practical help from the lodger around the house. What goes around comes around.

We're just concerned about you, OP, because, as a PP said, MH problems are completely different to a broken leg, they can persist for years. Hopefully, the medical support he's now receiving will turn things around, but you must be aware that it may not and he might still need your support in a year, five years, decades - you just can't know. Please be careful not to turn yourself into his long-term carer unless that's what you want.

I think it's a bit unfair of some posters to suggest the lodger is being controlling and manipulative. On the face of it, he's not threatening suicide to get attention, or even asking for support. Quite the reverse- he's asking to be left on his own . The Op seems to be the controlling one and, quite seriously, I wonder if she herself has some issues around wanting to be needed and control other people? The way she has been so defensive about her behaviour rather than saying 'Hey guys, you're right, I need to step back and re-think.'

@JinglingHellsBells

I don't think he's being deliberately controlling at all, but his behaviour has caused the OP to worry about him and be concerned about leaving him alone- so he's inadvertently affecting her.

It's not his fault but an unfortunate consequence of his illness.

He's paying rent, so he has the right to stay there if he wants to.

The larger point is that you don't want him around, so you should put an end to your agreement with him and find another lodger. I wouldn't want to have a mentally unwell lodger - as much as I would feel for him, I wouldn't want the responsibility.

It’s clear from your update you have no grasp that this is all kinds of wrong.

You’re as dependent on rescuing him as he is dependent on your support. This is a codependent relationship with a mentally ill lodger not a ‘friendship’.

As yourself why you’ve got so involved - lack of friends of your own? Lack of relationship? Need to be needed?

For his sake as much as yours you need to distance yourself. Stay in touch by all means.

You are making yourself into a barrier to his recovery.

DP's grandparents had a lodger who killed himself over Christmas. I suspect that they wished he'd gone to visit family, rather than sit in there all alone at the darkest, most isolating time of the year.

There is a certain arrogance about assuming that you know better than this man what Christmas plans are best for him. Just because he has mental health problems doesn’t mean he is wrong to prefer to spend the day on his own. I’ve spent Christmas on my own before as I find my family wearing. I used to stock up on library books and nice food & wine, turn the heating up high and spend the holiday in front of the tv in blissful isolation. Luckily no well intentioned friend/colleague/landlord/ presumed to know what was best for me and tried to push me into making other plans.