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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my lodger he needs to go home for Christmas?

129 replies

CupOfTeaAndSixBiscuits · 15/11/2019 11:08

I have a lodger who has depression (recently started to receive care from the CMHT and GP) and he made a suicide attempt relatively recently. I have to encourage him to take his pills and not take his own life, in a nutshell. He's also got Asperger's, which can affect his understanding of some things, but he's still pretty social.

We actually get on quite well, and have become friends. It's just that I worry and have to keep an eye on him.

Since he moved out of the local family home in the spring, he literally hasn't visited once (though he has seen them, they come to us). They're not especially supportive with MH things, but they do care about him. He's talking about not going home for Christmas and just staying in the house by himself, which I don't think will be good for him. I'll be staying with my family in another city.

I've told him that he needs to go home for Christmas, essentially so that I don't have to worry that I'll come home to a corpse about him. He's resisting this. There's no written lodger agreement, and I have no actual way of ensuring he does go home.

Am I being unreasonable? Part of me says I am because he'll still be paying to be there just like I am, and part of me says I'm not because it's for his own good!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/11/2019 11:46

You don't get to tell him what to do, irrelevant of how good your intentions. You do not hold a position of power over him to this extent.

You can talk to him, as you have done. Past that it's his decision.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 15/11/2019 11:48

can his family come to him for Christmas - maybe say that they are welcome to come & stay for a couple of days over Christmas as you will be away?

HeyNotInMyName · 15/11/2019 11:50

If you look at him as a odger, you certainly cant impose on him to go home at christms, esp if you are not in.

If you look at him as a friend, you can advise him to do so but again you cant force him. And that is, if it is actually right for him to do so. I ould want to know why he prefers to be on his own (is that he has fallen out with them, things are really bad etc... or is it the depression or that being in a social environment when he is strugglig to cope will push him over the edge?)

I am lso picking up on the 'should I ALLOW him to take his own life'
Let's be clear there. The allow sound slike you are cating like a mother to him and are n the look out for him. THhs is good someone cares for him but the issue is, he is an adult. You cant treat him like a child!
It is also not YOUR responsibility to ensure he is not killing himself. By ensuring the seeing a HCP, that he is in contact with his family. Maybe by ensuring someone would go and see him, you are ensuring that has the support he needs if need be.
But you need to be honest. If he has decided to end his life, he will do it, regrdless of whether you 'send him back home' or not.

Everytimeiseeher · 15/11/2019 11:52

If you decide to end the lodger agreement is change the locks. He might go back in as he knows you’re going home for Christmas.

DishingOutDone · 15/11/2019 11:53

You've become his carer by default. If he were to need any extra support, you will be marked down as his carer:

It is also not YOUR responsibility to ensure he is not killing himself. By ensuring the seeing a HCP, that he is in contact with his family. Maybe by ensuring someone would go and see him, you are ensuring that has the support he needs if need be - that's being his carer, you will be expected to "ensure" these things.

sugarbum · 15/11/2019 11:55

Do his family know, OP, about the extent of his illness? That he tried to take his own life? I think the onus needs to be on them, not you. You are not responsible for his health. I totally understand why you are fretting about it. Have you any way of contacting his family and making it clear to them how worried you are about him being alone?

crosspelican · 15/11/2019 11:55

I think Christmas might be a slight red herring here. Should this man be your lodger at all? You are currently fulfilling the role of a carer and supervisor, and you are not qualified to do this (even if you are, you're not hired to do it!) and you shouldn't have to have "make sure I don't come home to a dead body in January" on your Christmas planning list.

I do realise that this is overwhelmingly difficult for him, and I have a friend from overseas who was recently in a very similar position of his landlord no longer wanting the responsibility of calling ambulances after suicide attempts in the bathroom, so I know how hard it is for the person with mental health problems too. Unlike my friend though, it seems like this guy has a support network available to him (family), and is registered with a GP and on the (labyrinthine) path to receiving help.

But I think that you are possibly taking on more than his rent is worth to you and more than you ever intended when he moved in with you. You're not a replacement Mum/free carer.

I would be inclined to have him move out completely by mid-December, and then start again with a new lodger in the new year.

Penners99 · 15/11/2019 11:55

Get him out and change the locks.

Broken11Girl · 15/11/2019 11:56

He's an adult, butt out fgs.
As others have pointed out, his family may be contributing to his mental health problems. Mine do. Definitely do not contact them, terrible idea. Not everyone has a lovely family and enjoys a naice cosy wosy Xxxxmas!!! with them.
Leave him to it or if you must, if you are really that concerned his mh is deteriorating, talk to him about it like an adult. Hyperbole about returning home to a corpse helps no-one. You are not responsible for him, you can be kind and helpful as a friend but have boundaries. If you are still that concerned after a conversation, Mind, Rethink etc have good info on what to do.
If you really must chuck him out don't tell him to go to family, he can go to a friend or even a hotel, whatever, at least don't charge him rent.

OneHanded · 15/11/2019 11:57

Gosh this could be me minus the Aspergers. His family are clearly a great trigger for him, why force him into that on the worst day of the year? Christmas expectations leave me feeling so flat and desperate I'm far happier alone.

Broken11Girl · 15/11/2019 11:57

Aaaaand the stigmatising um delightful people who advise not to have anything to do with people with ew omg mental health problems have come out.

Magpiefeather · 15/11/2019 11:59

His home (your house) might be his safe space and staying there might be much better for his mental health than being forced to go to his family for Christmas.

You’ve asked him, he’s said he’d rather stay at home. You can’t insist. I really don’t think it would even help him.

I do understand the worry, but you have to let go of responsibility - it is not up to you to save him, only he can do that. You can support him and be a positive presence in his life but you’re not the gatekeeper of his life!

JacquesHammer · 15/11/2019 11:59

You have moved from the traditional lodger/landlord relationship into you being his carer.

Is that what you really want? It is absolutely 100% ok to not want to be in this situation; you can’t however force him to leave what is his home. I think your only recourse is to find a new lodger.

churchandstate · 15/11/2019 12:03

Again, MN wraps it’s warm, compassionate arms around the needy. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. Only not today, I have yoga.

Hmm
IncrediblySadToo · 15/11/2019 12:03

As your lodger- no you can’t ask/tell/demand he ‘goes home’ for Christmas

As a friend - you can suggest it.

As a friend/carer you could look at charities that might pop in to check up on him

As a good friend you could take him ‘home’ with you for Christmas.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/11/2019 12:08

You have taken in more than a lodger. Please make sure that you don't end up being his carer

This ^^

I've never had a lodger, but believe it's said they have far less security than a tenant and can easily be asked to leave. Maybe this would be a good time to give a month's notice (or whatever) to gently ease him out so you can get someone else?

Original poster
CupOfTeaAndSixBiscuits · 15/11/2019 12:13

I didn't sign up for this (I was unaware of his issues before he moved in), but I've no desire to chuck him out at all. We actually get on quite well, have mutual friends and have become friends ourselves. I've had much worse lodgers and flatmates in the past! I refer to him as my lodger to make our legal relationship clear; note that it's not illegal to have a lodger (or tenant) without paperwork, it just means we have the default legal status of an excluded occupier / live in landlord, no more and no less.

It's not a perfect situation, but kicking him out would be immoral, and finding a new lodger is a pain in the arse and a roll of the dice - the next one could be much worse! I'm sure he has a list of at least five things that make this a less than perfect flatshare too - I'm sure he regards himself as putting up with some stuff too!

I've ensured he receives appropriate care by making sure he saw his GP after his suicide attempt, which got him into the CMHT system. I'm not remotely qualified to be a carer, and I've made that very clear to MH services. I'm his flatmate / friend (just technically his landlord) and I have told medical professionals that they need to do their thing to stabilise him.

I'm not physically taking control of his medication, but encourage him to take it - he has a history of not taking meds as prescribed. We talk when he's feeling particularly low (and at other times!). I'm aware that if he decides to quietly walk out of the door and chuck himself under a train then there's nothing I can do about that (and I've made peace with that), but I'll do what I can.

His family aren't aware of his suicide attempt, and he doesn't want them to be (I've respected that - they're a bit old school).

OP posts:
Wingedharpy · 15/11/2019 12:15

"I have to encourage him to take his pills and not take his own life".
"I ...have to keep an eye on him".

Who says you have to do these thing OP?
Have you assumed responsibility for these things for his benefit or for your own? ie. to stop you worrying.

You need to respect his autonomy and discourage his dependence on you - though, to be fair to him, it does sound as if the dependence is being driven by you and not him.
If you are unable to do this, he may not be the best lodger for you anymore than you are the best landlady for him. The set up will be detrimental to the mental health of both of you.

beefthief · 15/11/2019 12:16

Yes, you should absolutely throw a mentally ill man out at Christmas. This is the best course of action, and one you should be proud to pursue.

SunshineCake · 15/11/2019 12:21

I voted YANBU as I couldn't bear the horror of you coming home to him dead.

SunshineCake · 15/11/2019 12:22

Don't be horrible beefthief.

LizzieMacQueen · 15/11/2019 12:24

@RedskyToNight said what I was going to say,

MH + Christmas + family could well be too much for him to cope with.

Talk frankly to him, say that you're worried about his suicide intentions and what does he suggest he could do to alleviate your concerns.

Isaididont · 15/11/2019 12:25

You sound like a lovely friend (and landlord), he is lucky to have you.
Could you get him to send you a text here and there over Christmas to let you know he’s ok?
Can you tell him you’d be worried about him being alone at Christmas and see what he says?
Like others have said, he may just prefer a quiet Christmas on his own which may feel far less lonely than a day spent with people who don’t understand him but are meant to be his family (or whatever the issues are).

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2019 12:28

You are assuming that visiting his family over Christmas will be beneficial for him. If family issues contribute to his MH issues that might actually be the exact opposite.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

It sounds like your relationship with your lodger has become quite unhealthy. You need to step back a bit and let him make his own decisions.

Seaweed42 · 15/11/2019 12:29

You sound like a good person doing your best. If this man was my brother I would be very grateful to you for the compassion you are showing him.
However, having had a brother with issues - you need Boundaries to keep your own health from being impacted. Looking into getting support for yourself with that might be very useful, so that you feel OK about taking less control, being more objective, and helping him help himself more.
Tell him the house might seem very different when it's empty and in light of that can he make a Plan for Christmas so that there is contact with someone for each part of the day.
Stop taking responsibility for the tablets. Don't ask about them or refer to them at all. By all means get him a plastic reminder box or help him set a timer on his phone. It's like waking a teenager rather than getting them to set a clock. It creates a dependency and makes them not trust themselves to be able to wake up, and involves their mother in a piece of their lives they can manage themselves.
If he doesn't take the tablets, then he has to be allowed to fail somewhat, in order to see what is able to manage on his own. Above all, do not go 'behind his back' to talk to family or the services as that would be very undermining.