Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non commital invitation responses. It’s rude right? AIBU

127 replies

Countryescape · 15/11/2019 06:53

I feel like this is a very common occurrence in the age of texting, messaging, Snapchat etc.

I personally HATE it when you extend an invite and the recipients replies “we are currently free that day at the moment, but can I let you know the day before/closer to the time in case something comes up?”

Isnt that just code for “I am free but I don’t want to commit yet in case something better comes up.”

AIBU?? Who can be arsed with that?! They’re basically assuming you are happy to keep that day in your diary free with the distinct possibility they might cancel.

Let me know your thoughts!

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 15/11/2019 06:56

That's a very cheeky response and I agree with your interpretation of it.

Finfintytint · 15/11/2019 06:56

Depends on how far in advance you are asking. If you invite me to something next July then I have no idea what work commitments I may have.

Cherrysoup · 15/11/2019 06:58

Honestly, I’d reply ‘OK, forget it as you don’t seem particularly interested’ but then nobody has ever done that to me and it would strike me the same way as the OP. Just rude.

Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 06:59

One week in advance so not unreasonable

OP posts:
8by8 · 15/11/2019 07:00

Yeah that would strike me as rude too. Only way it’s ok is if they mean they don’t know their work shifts yet? Otherwise they are basically saying they’ll come if they’ve nothing better on.
I’d reply saying “I’d rather get things sorted now - if you aren’t sure then I’ll make plans with somebody else. Hope to see you some other time!”. I think that’s reasonably polite but also makes clear that you’re not hanging around waiting for them.

Ginfordinner · 15/11/2019 07:01

Good answer Cherrysoup.
I agree OP. It is far too common these days.

happinessischocolate · 15/11/2019 07:09

I had one particular friend who did this, and I just made other arrangements instead and then closer to the time when this friend text to confirm that we were still on, I just replied oh no sorry I thought you weren't available so I made other better plans

She soon learnt 😁

AuntieStella · 15/11/2019 07:13

Yes, that's rude, unless there are unusual extenuating circumstances.

Either
a) - accept straightaway,
b) - decline straightaway, or
c) - say you need to check home diary (or some other holding response) so you can mull it over, and then do a) or b) within 24 hours (48 max)

If on receiving end of such rudeness, then I think best reponse is" It's not that sort of invitation, so I'll take that as a 'no' for this occasion. Would love to see you soon, please do let me know when things settle down for you so we can fix a day"

Clickncollect · 15/11/2019 07:14

Yep, I’ve had this before and it’s bloody rude!! ‘I’ll let you know nearer the time’ - errr no, you expect me to keep my precious time free just in case you fancy gracing me with your presence. Don’t think so!!
My response was ‘ok, I won’t keep it free but let me know nearer the time and I’ll let you know if it still suits’
I ended up getting a better offer elsewhere which I accepted, the person in question did message me nearer the time to ask if we were still on and I said no, sorry!

shambhala76 · 15/11/2019 07:15

Yes, it's very rude. I have so far done two all-class parties for my DD, and on both occasions had replies like this. There was one parent who even replied saying she would let me know the day before the actual party (her child was not ill or anything, so no reason for this). Really grinds my gears. Interestingly enough, this year we just did a small party for DD's close friends and everyone replied to the invite either the same day or within a day or two, well in advance of the actual party.

AuntieStella · 15/11/2019 07:17

"Yeah that would strike me as rude too. Only way it’s ok is if they mean they don’t know their work shifts yet"

In which case you say "I'd love to, and I think I'm free, but I haven't got my rota yet. It comes out on XXX, can I let you know then if I'm free, and if not then perhaps we can do something on one of the days I do have off"

Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 07:19

I haven't responded yet but I was going to go along the lines of " Hey lets just forget it as I'm pretty busy and would rather confirm something now." You let me know when you're free.

OP posts:
LannisterLion1 · 15/11/2019 07:19

Depends what they are referring too.

Work (especially shift worker), baby due date...not unreasonable.

Waiting for a better off...unreasonable and not worth bothering with again.

widgetbeana · 15/11/2019 07:20

Totally rude.
I work as a supply teacher and so often don't know until literally the morning of the day in question if I can can attend something. But if it is an important event or group event I will always either say yes (and decline any work offers that day) or no. It is just good manners.

If it is something organised by my closest friends they will often tell me to just turn up if I can, as they understand but that is something bred by familiarity and understanding, and it is not an expectation.

Totally rude.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 15/11/2019 07:22

Yes, I agree. If there's a valid reason such as waiting to hear about work shifts, the person should say so.

Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 07:23

Exactly @ Clickncollect! They are expecting me to keep my time free??!! Ummmm no! I have a lot of other options and really can't be arsed with this half in half out rubbish!

OP posts:
StrictlyNameChangin · 15/11/2019 07:25

This is becoming increasingly common as others have said. It's really shitty behaviour.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 15/11/2019 07:25

Yanbu. I was just getting to know someone who did this...the potential friendship has not progressed as I couldn't be bothered with that.

Now I'll tend to reply saying that I need to know by x date (say in a couple of days time) and if I don't hear from them by then I'll assume they're not available.

Original poster
Countryescape · 15/11/2019 07:25

There was no explanation at all. Just, "in case something comes up". I would completely understand if it was , not sure of shifts yet, family member might be having an operation, child is still sick but might be okay by then, calving season on the far etc etc, but with no explanation? No!

OP posts:
loseyourself · 15/11/2019 07:29

nobody normal does that, rescind the offer straightaway.

LannisterLion1 · 15/11/2019 07:29

In which case OP then make alternate plan and when they cancel/accept then tell them they didn't seem interested in meeting up and others did.

EvaHarknessRose · 15/11/2019 07:29

It might just be easier than typing out 'i don't yet know the time of dds away football match, whether dh mum needs us to go over etc etc. It depends whether it's a casual catch up that can fit round life or not - which is how I and my friends approach it.

mummmy2017 · 15/11/2019 07:29

Hi X.
Sorry but telling me the morning of is not going to work, need to know by this afternoon, if you can't do it don't worry, let me know when you are free and we can see if we can arrange something.
Xx

MrsEricBana · 15/11/2019 07:30

I'd go with "Let's leave it for now. Let me know when you're free. Looking forward to seeing you at some point"

muddledmidget · 15/11/2019 07:30

I admit I am guilty of this to a degree. In my case its usually when people are trying to arrange things more than a week in the future that are (to me at least) fairly inconsequential. Ie a coffee out, or they fancy a day shopping in the nearest city but want a driver to take them. These things are fun to do but don't need to be arranged too far in advance.

I am self employed and short notice bookings attract a higher rate of pay, so I'm not going to block out a whole day for meeting a local friend for a coffee. Alternatively I might have already offered a range of dates to an out of town friend to try and arrange a catch up, so again cannot commit to the date because I have unconfirmed arrangements already.